Chapter X-8: Day 8 or 9 or whatever really...

December 8th, 2010

So I slept terribly last night (again).
Partly because the furnace turned off because the snow was blocking the vents (so out to clear that away).
Partly because my brother (who I live with) went out but couldn't remember if he had a key or not (turns out he did) came home at 1:30 am.
Then at 6:30am my brother's ride to work rang the doorbell (for my brother to inform him he would ride with me instead when I went to the office for 9am).
Then my alarm went off at 7:30am but I hadn't really slept well in between all of that.
I woke up and felt like I had a shot gun wound to the stomach.
I feel so awful and anxious.
Its like a cold bucket of water dumped on me 30-60seconds after I awake and oh yea my life has taken an awful turn.
(I guess I soon need to do a who new way of describing what has exactly happened).
Long story short I'm angry at PH who is screwing me in every possible way except the way that I want (sorry for the TMI).
I want my stuff back, I want it all to just be over...I don't want to be completely screwed from traveling...I want to erase it/anull it or whatever it is...I want it all to be over so I can try and pick up the pieces.  I'm just so angry right now.  The fact that he doesn't have the b*lls to actually have a conversation about it ...the fact that he doesn't even think it warranted a meeting face-to-face to end a pseudo-marriage.  The fact that likely I have to pick up all these pieces all by myself.
How did I end up in this nightmare?
I am finding it VERY hard to listen to my friends who say "thank god it happened now...before it got more complicated and painful with houses and kids etc..blah blah blah" but I ask myself how could it get more painful then this.  How can someone go from being my best friend, lover, confidant planning a huge fun wedding with me turn around less than 4 weeks later and change their mind completely...and to such totality that he says he has had second thoughts since April (really?!!!! how did I not see this at all)...and I quote "I don't love you...I don't want to be married to you."  How is that for direct?  Direct like slap in the face with a tire-iron direct?
I. do. not. know. how. to. get. past. this.
Teagan