The poor kid was a nervous wreck who drove us back.
We hopped into Nathan's car and drove home in the warm morning sun.
I remember driving with the windows down taking a deep breath in and trying to wrap my head around last nights drama.
How did I seriously end up causing the main source of drama at our prom...technically I wasn't "popular" (I so was just Teagan barely on the social radar!) enough to warrant the main drama at our prom?!
So weird...but I was too exhausted from not sleeping at all to contemplate it too much.
We pulled up to my house and I thanked Nathan for the fun time and let him know that I would call him later.
He let me know that we were officially a "couple" by not asking but telling me.
"Teagan now we're together officially" to which I half-jokingly responded, "Nathan aren't you going to at least ask to be my boyfriend?" to which he responded "why ask if I already know the answer". Oh Nathan to him everything came easy...handed over on the silver popularity platter.
I walked into the door and had both my parents waiting in the sitting room.
Uh-oh this was a bad sign.
Wait...I didn't do ANYthing wrong...surely I can't be in trouble.
So I trepidationly (I might have just made up that word) walking into the living room.
My mum said, "Teagan, what happened last night?"
Side Note: Do you ever get the feeling you are being tricked?
That's how I usually feel with conversations with my mom.
Very much like there is an alterior motive.
Have to keep my defenses up.
If I was into star wars or star trek or something like that...
it sound would be like "shield power on" or something.
Me: "Nothing it was prom it was good"Mum: "Is that ALL that happened"
She always gives me the option.
Me (lying through my teeth): yea
Mum: "That's not what I heard"
Then slams down her knowledge/judgement/information.
Me: "uhhhhhhh"
Mum: "were you or were you NOT in a car accident this morning"
how the HECK did she know? (to this day I STILL don't know how she knew)
Me: "ohhhhhhh that"
Mum: "yeeeeeeees that...Teagan how irresponsible can you be?"
Me: "mum it wasn't a big deal, the guy that drove us home backed up into a car a little and everyone was fine and I really had....
Mum (clearly interupting): "you know we gave you the freedom but we're not sure you can handle it"
That stung.
Me: "I'm actually really tired"
Mum: "I hope you aren't planning on sleeping before chores"
Me: "Mum its only Saturday and they're weekEND chores"
Mum: "regardless do them now...no arguing maybe you should have thought about that before staying up all night"
So I begrudginly dusted, vacuumed the house, wiped the baseboards, unloaded the dishwasher and cleaned the bathrooms...and finally 4 hours later crawled into bed and passed out.
I remember always feeling frustrated because I was a GOOD kid but never really felt like my parents saw that. Then again my parents never really were feelings/hugging/affectionate people...they showed they cared through gifts and money. This is not the forum for me to get into that but needless to say I think it has to do with my own complex of always giving and spoiling whoever I'm with (even when they don't deserve it).
So prom weekend was over. All we had left was final exams and the athletic banquet.
The exams went great as usual (not to brag...or maybe it had something to do with the $100 per "A" I got with my exams, see the whole money=affection thing?!)...in all reality I would have wanted the "A"'s without it but it was a nice perk for sure.
The athletic banquet was a dinner and awards presentation where you dressed up and each team awarded an MVP and an All-Star award. The MVP usually selected by the teammates and All-Star award usually selected by the coaches. But the coaches always had the final say.
I remember in the locker room after practice (now that I had grown into one of the leaders of the team) voicing very loudly that Cammy deserved the award this year. Her stunt group was always at the front and she was the top/flyer (depending on whether you use Canadian/American terminology). She was a natural at cheerleading. Everyone nodded in agreement.
So I picked up Cammy on the way to the athletic banquet.
I wasn't going to go with Nathan (though we were official and he was my boyfriend) because Dave and Cammy had broken up over some questionable behaviour over prom (that I completely missed).
Cammy didn't seem too heartbroken and was already making up with her ex from THIS Chapter.
I remember driving with the top down and I was teasing Cammy being like I have a good feeling about tonight (knowing I had ensured her victory).
So imagine my surprize when I had my camera in my hands and pointed at her when our coach starting describing the MVP...and then called out my name.
I was stunned I just sat there for a second.
Before Cammy grinning at me was like "nice try Teagan...like I could let you not get this after all your hard work this year...I talked to the girls wayyyyyyyy before hand".
I was shaking and so darn happy.
The girls really thought I deserved it and so did my coach.
My life was FAB-U-LOUS!
(I still keep this plaque in a dresser drawer...its one of my prized possessions).
So Nathan was there that night and afterwards I remember him giving me a big hug and spinning me around and said "I KNEW you were talented" ummmmmm thanks? I remember thinking the remark was weird because it was like people had thought I wasn't or something. I definitely wasn't naturally gifted (I talked about that HERE) but I worked my butt off and ate/breathed/sleep cheerleading.
We went to one of the popular kids parties afterwards but I remember being kinda bored actually.
I wished all the athletes had gone there afterwards but only the select "chosen ones" attended.
I hung out for an hour before Cammy and I both looked at each other and said "kay lets go".
But not before a quick trip to the ladies room.
Where I promptly ran into Nikki (Nathan's most recent EX who was a sophmore (she had just turned 16 she was 15 when they started dating he was 18 now 19 and I was 17 going on 18)).
I totally felt intimidated. She was in a teeny tiny short dress expertly applying shiny pink lipgloss.
She slowly turned towards me smirked (must have been my not cool maxi sundress) and said "hey Teagan so you're dating Nathan now"
Me: "yea"
Nikki: "just be careful"
Me: "what do you mean?"
Nikki: "well lets just say Nathan doesn't like the feeling of protection so I HAD to be on the pill"
My mouth dropped open (I couldn't help it) and she just swished out of the bathroom walking expertly in high heels (a skill I still was nowhere near mastering).
Cammy burst into giggles "seriously I can't believe she said THAT!"
Me: "that was so weird and I wonder if its true....not that it matters anyway"
Cammy: "I did hear that he wasn't into condoms but most guys aren't"
This floored me.
Didn't they sit in the same health class where we learned about STDs and pregnancy etc?!
I turned to Cammy and said "well I am not even considering have S-E-X (yup I wasn't even comfortable SAYING it) anyway"
Cammy: "do you think he will be happy not doing that when EVERY other girlfriend did?"
I had NEVER thought about this before.
We were taking things slow...like we had just made out kissing and I would be pretty happy if it stayed at that level.
I glanced at Cammy, "I hope so."
Graduation came and went and I was pleasantly surprized that Nathan asked to come and sat with my parents for the whole thing.
In Canada at the time you "graduated" in Grade 12 and then if you wanted to go to College (for an associates type diploma) you went then. If you wanted a degree (like a bachelors etc) you went to University and that is the distinction in Canada. Those who did five years AND went to College anyway ...we said they did a "Victory Lap". Nathan did a Victory Lap. So when I was to return to school for my Grade 13 or "OACs" he was going to be in his first year of College (conveniently also in London).
The summer began pretty slow and steady.
I didn't answer the phone the two times Gavin called.
I was perfectly content working my summer job (at a gas station) and having a boyfriend over the summer.
We would go to movies and out for dinner and I would bring him coffee to his job as a security guard at a hotel.
He wasn't too pushy and when we would make out on a couch and his hands would attempt to wander I would just move them to my back or shoulders or wherever was not my breasts/crotch area for lack of better terminology. I just wasn't ready when it came down to it. But I was happy that I didn't get pressured into anything yet.
So one night we were driving home from a beach day and we got into a conversation.
Nathan, "so you're kinda shy"
Me: "ummm yea"
Nathan: "so have you ever done it?"
Hmmm do I tell him the truth?
Me: "ummmm no"
Nathan: "don't you want to do it?"
Me: "with you?"
Nathan: "yea"
Me: "no...I'm just not ready for that yet" and thinking to myself don't people like love each other or date longer than two months before this conversation?
Nathan: "when do you think you'll be ready?"
Me: "ummmmm I'm not sure"
Nathan: "well what about other stuff?"
Me: "like what?"
Nathan: "like touching, oral you know"
woah woah woah how did we end up talking like this
Me: "yea I'm not really ready for that"
Nathan: "common Teagan it isn't really that big of a deal you're already 18 which is like kinda old to haven't done it yet" (what can I say he sure wasn't the shy /sensitive type.
Me: "kay I'm just shy and honestly I'm not ready to do that stuff"
Nathan: "well I was going to wait to tell you this but next week I'm going to work security in North Bay for 5 weeks"
Me: "oh but thats like half the summer? and you leave next week?"
Nathan: "right babe so maybe we can do some more stuff"
I was so bummed. Seriously that is how oblivious/insecure I was. I was sad he was leaving not about the conversation. He was going to be 8+ hours away and I wouldn't see him. He was going to be gone basically for the whole seccond half of the summer and only getting back right before school. I had my own insecurities he was going to be around COLLEGE girls and I was going back to high school. Now this? I should have been more mad that he was only telling me now. But I was hurt. I was also set to get my wisdom teeth taken out in two weeks and I was terrified. Now he was all of a sudden pressuring me to do more. I felt like I should do more. I was going into Grade 13 and it did seem like EVERYone else was doing it.
But I was terrified hello remember Cammy?!
Later that week we were at his house and his parents weren't home.
So we were making out on the couch and he started trying to feel me up and feel me down if you catch my drift. And I tried to calm the fast stream of thoughts in my head but I couldn't.
"Nathan stop...I'm sorry I just can't yet"
Nathan: "oh come ON Teagan I know you said you wanted to go slow but we've been dating for like 3 months!"
Me: "well I'm sorry I just can't" and I stormed out of his house and promptly sat on the porch ...oh yea then I remembered he had picked me up from my house.
After ages he finally came out "Teagan are you done being mad yet"
Me: "no"
Nathan: "well you need to do SOMEthing so I don't forget all about you in North Bay"
Me: "well l just can't Nathan"
Nathan: "geez Teagan I'm a guy I have needs"
Me: "I want to go home Nathan"
So that is how we ended it.
So I caved...sort of. My compromise he wanted a pair of panties to take with him to North Bay.
So we didn't have to advance to 2nd base because the panties held him over.
He doesn't know that I went to the mall and bought the cutest pair of black thong lacy panty and sprayed it with my perfume (I don't think the pink cotton boy shorts would have been a hit).
When I think about it now I am upset at myself for feeling like I had to do "something" to "keep" him.
But being amongst so many insecure girls who did SO many things to "keep" their boyfriends at least it was just that.
So the night before he left (while trying to feel me up in the car...he tried I just wouldn't let him) I surprised him by pulling out his surprize present and he was so happy and said "wait until I show the guys your hot sexy panties" and my face dropped "Nathan I didn't get them to for you to show them to your friends."
He promised he wouldn't (I'm guessing he still did).
I invision the scene from 16 Candles where the guy triumphantly holds the panties up for everyone to see. CRINGE.
I know some of you may be thinking with a guy that kept trying to go further then you wanted and with randome requests why stick around? The truth was I like him a lot. The truth was I still was incredibly insecure at 18. He really was the first one to pay attention and he was "cool" and it made me feel better about myself. And I felt like he didn't push too much or force himself on me too much (though now looking back on it it kind of was).
Nathan going away for 5 weeks was tough.
Teens in Canada just didn't have cell phones then ...it was the summer of '99 (sing it like that Bryan Adams song I think).
So we would have to work with long distance phone cards and timing.
We didn't even have email accounts.
So it was rough.
I remember getting knocked out for my wisdom teeth removal and him calling while I was all drugged and mouth full of gauze. It was sweet that he called to check on me.
But over the 5 weeks I felt like we were growing apart and found myself doing the girlfriend questioning if everything was okay etc and him saying things were fine.
But I felt like we were growing apart.
Plus I didn't realize that the 5 weeks actually bought me some time for not moving to the next base.
I was so excited for the day he got back into town (Labour Day ...the day before the first day of school) I spent all day getting ready pretty much.
I even painted my toenails and picked a new outfit and washed my car.
Then the phone rang ...."Teagan we need to talk."
My heart dropped....this could NOT be good.
Me: "Hi I can't wait to see you."
Nathan: "look College starts next week and I just think this isn't working for us."
I was floored and heartbroken.
Me: "ummm okay"
Nathan: "look lets go out for coffee next week kay"
Me: "kay" trying to hold back the tears and as soon as he hung up they flowed down my face.
I was totally mortified.
Starting off my last year of high school single and since it had just happened the day before school everyone would be asking about Nathan.
This was going to be awful and embarrassing.
The first day of school is usually pretty fun and exciting but I was so NOT excited anymore.
My summer had ended off on a sour note.
Now I was dreading walking into school that first day.
to be continued...
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