Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Chapter X-19: The trick is to keep breathing*

He just called.
The first time I didn't answer (I'm still at work).
Then I answered when he called again 30 minutes later.
Maybe its important.
Maybe (this teeny tiny part of me hoped...) he realized what an idiot he has been and now regrets his decision...yea right.

It is like someone taking a poker from a fire sticking it in my stomach and twisting.
It hurts so bad to talk to him
8 weeks ago he was here...dancing at one of my best friends weddings with me...saying I love you.
And now...he sounds like a total stranger.

I wonder, can he be this unaffected?
Does this not bother him in the least?
Does his heart not ache like mine when I talk to him (and the glaring truth is OBVIOUSLY not).
And it much that to the point where when I hang up I'm shaking and could burst into tears.
Maybe he is a sociopath...that's the conclusion some of my girlfriends have come to because his behaviour has done 180 degree flip...that or bi-polar.

The first message was awkward that he left.
He was just calling to firm up a time...then when he called for the second time in the hour I answered and our conversation kind of went like this.

Him: "so I uhhh just landed and wanted to firm up a time for your parents to get your stuff"
Me:  "does noon on the 28th still work?"  (this was the original time and day and this hasn't changed...what is he stupid?)
Him:  "ok...high noon it is... so I'm not sure if I will be there or my dad or maybe my friend"
Me: "ok"
Him:  "let me give you my dad's new phone number because you probably don't have it"
Me: "I guess not"
Him: " yea"
Me:  "I haven't heard from the lawyer yet"
Him:  "yea me either...maybe when I fly out Monday night or Tuesday morning I will stop by"  (so he won't be there on the 28th...why doesn't he just say beyond annoyed).
Me: "have you talked to your friend (who is a "family" lawyer)?"
Him:  "no I just landed so haven't had a chance to"
Me:  "well it just seems like this is getting dragged out and I would like to have it finished as soon as possible"
Him (in an annoyed voice):  "it will Teagan"
Me:  thinking to myself God he is so cold and doesn't care at all...he doesn't even ask how I am doing...doesn't he care it is Christmas and everything he told me was a big lie...what the hell is his problem with I that awful of a person...god it hurts to talk to him ...I just want to burst...finally I say
"this is awkward"
Him:  "I don't think the situation will ever get less awkward"
Me:  "ok"
Him: "okay well I will talk to you later"
Me: "ok"
Him: "bye"

I hang up the phone in a state of shock and anger and just like that the hurt is there.  Every time I talk to him I wish I hadn't.  It always makes me feel so much worse.  Part of me wishes we could actually "talk" instead of this horrible waste.  I guess I feel like I still don't understand what the heck happened.  I wish I could erase the last year of my life and wipe him completely from it. 

God this hurts...okay suck it up...grab a swig of water...and continue to work like everything is great. 
Fake smile...check
Fake cheerful voice...check
Hide shaky hands other the desk...check
Heart ache...check
I guess the trick is to keep breathing...sometimes it feels impossible.

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