The Holidays

I wonder if anyone feels the way I do about the Holidays.
This year I hate them.  This is usually NOT like me at all.
I usually love Christmas.  I have 4 big bins of Christmas decorations and holiday decor.  (and I've always lived in tiny one bedroom apartments :)
I make a habit of collecting Christmas ornaments when I travel so that when I decorate the Christmas tree I have tons of memories of my life (which sometimes I wonder if it is the wiseness of this decision).

I guess I have good Christmas's when I'm in a relationship and bad Christmas's when I'm not in one.
I guess this isn't really a huge revelation. 
I just feel like the holidays are a time when it is a couply time.
I guess what it comes down to is that part of me really wants a relationship that is strong and unbreakable and a start of a family my own family.
Where you compliment each other and kiss and hug each other often.
To have someone that you wake up beside everyday.
Someone who works just as hard as I do to make the day good.
What I mean by that is I consciously think to myself okay what can I do to make their day better?
I one day hope that someone wants to be the same towards me.
Maybe its because I don't feel really close to my actual family ...that I've been dying for a relationship to involve these things.
Its not that my family is awful or doesn't "love" me when it comes down to it. 
It is just different.
I guess I could blame culture as a part of it.
I see all the "American" ways of how things are and my family doesn't fit that.
We aren't a "huggy" family or a family that says I love you on the phone or in person really.
I remember when I moved away (like thousands of miles away) I went out on a limb and started saying "I love you" on the phone and kept at it until it became something that once in awhile they would say it too.
It doesn't mean that they don't love me it is just how they have learned how to do things.
My family just takes a very negative approach to everything and being as sensitive as I am it just is draining and depressing to be around that for an extended period of time.

It is kind of ironic that last year I was homesick at Christmas (because I was with someone).
This year I wish I was away for Christmas.
Funny how it all works out.
Is it a wonder that around the Holidays the suicide rate goes up.
Maybe it is all just marketing on TV all the happy families, all the jewellery commercials.
Is it an unrealistic expectation of it all?
The heartbreak sure does NOT help at this time of the year.

I've been reading a new blog lately of someone who seems to have an interesting outlook it seems very "sex and the city" to me (which I can appreciate).    My favourite line from this was..." I just wanted to point out that not every single person was doing the rah rah, it’s awesome to be single during the holidays dance, and that I am willing to accept loneliness for what it is.  Normal. Temporary. Nonfatal." 
So that is where I'm going to glean some type of hope for the awful painful feeling I have inside...it's temporary...and it too shall pass.

I still have decided if I'm going to my cousin's holiday party tonight....I'm just not sure maybe I will talk to one of the girls and see what they think.  I go back and forth...part of me thinks it would be good and part of me thinks it would hurt too much to explain to people even something as short as "now I'm single and I don't want to talk about it".  It is also difficult because these are all fringe people as in I see them like every 2-3 years for an evening usually (beside the fact that I now work with my cousin Richard).  So is it better or worse to be around people who you aren't as close to.  I don't want to make them feel awkward about my own terrible situation.   As far as they know I'm happily engaged with a huge wedding in 9 months.  Maybe I should just hunker down here on the couch...not sure yet.

sigh
Teagan