Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Chapter X-43: The tide that left and never came back*

I am trying to recall tonight to the best of my it goes.

I got the pep talk from Taylor.
Where I totally only talked about myself and didn't once ask about her at all (which I really REALLY should have...ughhhhhh).
The very good very needed pep talk was done and I held my breath as I dialed his number...andddddddddddddddddd got his voicemail.
So I texted him, "hey I tried to call.  Give me a call when you get the chance."
Less than 20 minutes later he texted me for my number (and yes its the same number he was texting).

Then he called.
I could hear my heart pounding in my ears.
He starts off with a hey how are you?
I am stunned but manage to stammer out "fine how are you."

Spencer: "well you won't believe this but I didn't answer your call for a crazy reason"
Me: "oh yea whats that?"
Spencer: "I got told that I was fired starting tomorrow and to pack up my stuff....hear this (tapping on a cardboard box)...I'm packing up my office"
Me: "oh I'm sorry"
Spencer: "its okay I think the company is going under"
Me: "oh oh my goodness"
So I don't really know what to say to this but I also could venture this story may be made up.
Next he goes, "So I got this form here IXXX that is talking about your immigration visa"
Me: "no you cancelled it"
Spencer: "well I guess but maybe I cancelled it too late...I don't know what it is but it's dated two months ago"
God I'm frustrated seriously TWO months old immigration paper.
Spencer: "I'll mail it to you"
Me:  "ummm can you scan it and email and then mail it"
Spencer: "I guess thats a good idea"
Me: "yea....thanks"

Spencer: "oh yea and I think I know where your iPod and speakers are (from that email I sent him) but I have to look, and for your other stuff but I can mail that out to you"
Me: "great, thanks"
Spencer: "uhhhhh lets see what else..."
Me: "I need your current address"
Spencer: "well I will give you my parents seeing as its a little more permanent"

Me: "kay"
Spencer: (teasing me) " you have a list?"
Me: (lying through my teeth) "no"
Spencer: "I totally thought you would have a list knowing you"
I totally did but did NOT want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he "knew me" like that.  But he did call it and I'm such a list girl.

Spencer: "so I guess with the divorce I heard from someone that you can go to the D.R. (his slang for the Dominican Republic) and its like 150bucks and they do it the same day...maybe we can turn it into a vacay (seriously he used the word vacay)
I sat there in stunned silence. 
He wanted to turn our divorce proceeding into a weekend getaway.
I didn't have any words.
Spencer: "Teagan what do you think, I bet the flights are pretty cheap and we could turn it into like a vacay, because we both have to be there to do this"
Me: "ummmm well I don't think it works that way and I mean we were married in Asia and you're American and I'm Canadian and I'm just not sure it would be that much cheaper or even legal"
Spencer: "hmmm I guess not, maybe I can file in Florida we'll see"
Me: "well honestly it is VERY expensive in Canada and if you can get it done there it would be easiest and I would cooperate fully"
What's weird is I really feel like maybe I was that stupid and dumb when it came to him.  And part of me thought if I did agree to this crazy idea that there is a probability that maybe it would be like a lifetime movie.  Girl meets her husband to get a quicky divorce in the Dominican and he returns home and she is never to be seen again.  Just given his background and training (more about that later) I probably would be chopped up and thrown into an ocean if he lost control.  This is how much I feel like I misjudged this guy.  I'm so angry at myself for being that stupid and creating the situation that I am currently in.

Spencer: "you know sweetheart you have been really great with all of this and handled it so well.  Honestly if there is anyway I could make it up to you I will."
I was FUMING! Is he serious he could have made it up to me by not completely abandoning me and leaving me to pick up all the pieces.  And the sweetheart...why was he doing the sweetheart.  It was like if he wasn't using my name repeatedly he was using pet names!  Super annoying.
Me: "Spencer I think we just need to make this as fast ast possible.  Do you have a timeframe you could do it in because I really need to move on."
Spencer: "well now it looks like I have all the free time in the world from being fired so like mid March maybe March 10th/11th?"
Me: "great I appreciate it"

Spencer: "so we done all the business talk?"
Me: "what do you mean"
Spencer: "Kiddo I haven't talked to you in two months....I want to know how you are?  What's going on in your life?  What's new with you?  Where are you living?  Where are you working?"  How are you doing?"
Me: "I'm baffled that you would want to know this."
I felt all the blood rush to my face.  First because of the "kiddo" it was the same pet name his grandpa calls his grandma and what he used to call me.  Second because what the f*ck?!
Spencer: "what do you mean?"
Me: "honestly Spencer given everything that happened the way that it did...why would you care"
Spencer: "Teagan it hasn't been easy for me"
Me: (totally breaking down and doing the girl thing) "Spencer seriously...I was devastated you left me and I was shocked I thought you were taking time to think about big life changes like the possibility of reenlisting and losing your friends and then it turns out you were really changing your mind about us.  I was devastated and humiliated and I've had to pick up the pieces all by myself"
Spencer: "Teagan it has been hard for me, I've had to call 800 numbers and talk to strangers because I was in such a dark place over this"
Me: (still embarrassingly being a dumb girl) "Spencer I was supposed to be the person that was there for you through your tough times.  I would have been there for you.  When I made those vows it was forever not only when times are good.  I'm so frustrated that you made judgements about me that weren't ME.  You knew me.  I am not my family and I think you were influenced by people when the only person you had to talk to was ME."
Spencer: "Teagan I didn't want this to turn into this"
Spencer: "I guess because this is the first time we have talked in two months it went like this"
Me: "yea I guess" (trying to hold back the tears because how did he get here and is okay with this and THEN try to say that it is tough for him?!  What part exactly was tough for him).
Spencer: "I guess I didn't do a good enough job voicing my concerns"
Me: "Spencer you never voiced concerns, if you did do you think I would have continued to book wedding things and proceeded the way that I did?  Does that seem logical to you at all?"
Spencer: "I guess not I'm sorry for not talking to you"
I am so so angry about this.  We are/were married and literally he decided he didn't want it without talking to me.  Now I'm not oblivious and we were by no means a perfect couple.  We had our own fights/disagreements/etc.  BUT I never ever EVER thought they were at a level that would end a marriage.  He should have talked to me.  You would think that people want to at least try but no he didn't.  I am so hurt and frustrated about this fact.

Spencer: "I wish I could give you glasses so you could see into my wouldn't want to be with me then"
Me: (still being a DUMB girl) "you know the sick thing Spencer is I probably would because I'm that loyal and that commited to the vows we had made" (tears streaming down my cheeks)
Spencer: "you don't understand Teagan I'm not a good guy, I'm messed up"
Me: "I guess I won't understand ever"
Spencer: "well my aunt and uncle won't even talk to me"
Me: "k well I damaged a lot of relationships with the decisions we made"
Spencer:  "Teagan my aunt and uncle wouldn't even talk to me at all in my parents house, everyone is pissed off at me and what I did"

Me: "well it has been very difficult for me Spencer I'm devastated. (trying to pull myself together) did you ever wonder why my mum called you that day (here) she picked up my stuff?"
Spencer: "I assumed it was for her to tell me off and I was in an airport so I hung up"
Me: "well it wasn't to tell you off.  In fact despite everything you have done they were trying to do right by you.  You had packed into my things your medal you gave me"
Spencer: "I did???" (totally sounding panicked)
Me: "yes"
Spencer: "did your mom destroy it"
Me: "no I have it.  I wouldn't do that to you.  I also don't want to keep it because of what it was supposed to mean" (there is a WHOLE big story behind it)
Spencer: "tell you what, you hang onto it and when I complete all my tasks to your satifaction then you can send it to me."
Me: "sure no problem"

Spencer: "well I guess I better keep packing up my office"
Me: "K" 
Spencer: "I will look at the deposit stuff for the wedding and see what I can do and look into either the D.R. or filing here for us"
Me: "K so when will I hear from you?"
Spencer: "well I think we should keep communication open"
Me: "you've said that before and haven't done it so let's say I will hear from you on March 10th or before?"
Spencer: "yea that sounds good."
Me: "K"
Spencer: "It's been really nice talking to you Teagan and honestly I wish all the best for you and only good things.  You're a great girl"
Me: "K bye Spencer"

And I hung up and bawled my eyes out.
It was almost worse that he said I was a great girl at the end.
It was so WEIRD talking to him.
Part of it was weird because he seemed like he was messed up in a bad place.
This had me worried (I know I shouldn't care about him but I'm actually concerned).
Part of it was weird because he sounded just like he used to sound.
Part of it was weird because he was calling me on stuff because he knows me (like the list stuff).
Part of what made it so difficult is I really just don't understand what happened (hopefully it will make WAY more sense when I rehash our entire relaionship over chapters in my Exboyfriend project).
All of it was incredibly heartbreaking.
I don't think I will ever understand happened.
I am so ready for this to start getting better and to start feeling like myself.
I don't want to learn a lesson from all of this.
All that stuff of things happening for a reason etc. I think is total B*LLSH*T right now.
If I could erase the last year and 5 months of my life I would.
And that makes me sick to my stomach.


  1. Don't waste your time with his feelings. Work on your own; he doesn't deserve your energy.

    postive vibes and warm thoughts!

  2. Oh my goodness. What a difficult conversation. You totally held yourself together - and even though you say you were doing the dumb girl thing you were being straightforward and honest about how you felt and not caving in to his pet names and "normal" tone. Crazy to think he could treat you that way and then almost act as if nothing had happened.

    So glad you had Taylor to vent to. I hear what you mean when you say I don't want to learn anything from this, I've been there before, and it's such a hopeless spot to be in. But there is hope, there always is, even when we don't want to see it.


  3. You know the saying, it's not you, it's me. I would say that is definitely the case here. It's him. All him. Obviously. He really does seem to have something odd going on with him. What he did/ how he handled it all is not your normal break up. Even in a dating relationship. And you were married. Maybe he had a psychological breakdown or something. There is more going on here than he just changed his mind.

    It sucks that you are going through this, but stay strong. You will come out of this!

  4. Thank you thank you thank you for all your support everyone! I get strength from your positive thoughts and compliments :)