Chapter X-33 : The beat goes on

 Wed, Jan 12, 2011
So here we were he had told me less then a week before that we shouldn't talk.
But he was reaching out again.
I knew it was wrong to talk to him.
But I was/am so lost right now.
I am frustrated at myself for doing this but I guess I don't possess the self control.
It is much easier to spur the advance of male attention (especially someone you are comfortable with) when you have healthy and current attention.
I've never had this issue before.
I've never cheated.
I've also never been the "other women".
I would be so pissed if I was his fiancee and found out he was doing this.
I'm so hurt and scarred from what Spencer did that I'm driving myself straight into Jacob.
Likely part of it is Jacob and I had history ...a torn history but a great one none the less.
Our only issue was Geography which was heartbreaking.
I guess in a way it is similar to Spencer when I look back at our time in Asia and really up through October we had NO problems.
Jacob and I just had a way longer history than Spencer and I.
So what happened after my hi response back (I know I KNOW I suck I caved!)
It was weird that he was emailing me but then it turns out he was trying to gmail chat again but was using the wrong email account for me (I have multiple accounts but only one usually "open" in a chat function)  but don't worry he figured it out...
5:51 PM Jacob: hey i did the other email lol
 me: Ohhhhh
  I use this one :)
5:53 PM Jacob: i know now :)
5:54 PM hi
  did u get to yr other computer yet
  lol
Gosh he must really REALLY want that picture (it is a headshot not like some bikini pic or something)
 me: Hi
  No I'm bad haha
5:55 PM It is so cold here I just want to go straight home
 Jacob: haha
 me: And I would have to disassemble and reassemble so I'm procrastinating
 Jacob: its cold here too, in the 20s
5:56 PM me: Brrrrrrr I need a fire, some hot chocolate
5:57 PM Jacob: ok
 me: Haha send it right over k
 Jacob: haha
5:59 PM how r u
6:00 PM me: Good, this weekend have so much fun stuff planned Taylor is coming to visit :)
  How r u?
6:02 PM Jacob: good, that sounds like fun
  do u remember Sarah Smith in my class at school
6:04 PM me: Yup
6:05 PM Jacob: she is flying up from Arkansas next month for the Seminar in PA I referred her to it
 me: Nice :)
6:07 PM Jacob: i think she will join
 me: Its my favourite seminar program
6:08 PM Jacob: u can be a guest of mine sometime :)
6:09 PM me: Sounds good
6:10 PM I still have my notes from one of their seminars :)
(Seriously are we flirting talking about seminars and notes GOSH I'm such a nerd!)
6:13 PM Jacob: or any meeting
 me: ? Okay what does he mean by "or any meeting?"
6:14 PM Jacob: doesnt have to be that seminar
6:17 PM to meet up
6:18 PM me: Ok
6:19 PM Really?
Okay so what he was saying was we didn't need a reason to meet up...my heart was pounding...and he confirmed this
 Jacob: yep
 me: K
 Jacob: if u want
6:20 PM me: That's an easy answer
Of course I did...but for what reason I wasn't sure.
We were always I will say "extremely compatible" in the bedroom but I think it was because of the intense feeling rather than just the you-know-what.
So what was I thinking?
Did I think we would actually meet up?
What would happen if we did meet up?
Would this make me a horrible person?
Would he break it off with his fiancee?
I don't think I could meet him if he was still engaged because I don't know what would happen then.
You know what they say about putting yourself in certain "situations".
Better change the subject, better change it quickly.
  me: I'm nervous for my test in fe
  B
 Jacob: u will be ok, what is the answer (he is referring to meeting up...omg what do I say)
6:21 PM me: Haha what do you think?
 Jacob: idk
 me: I guess I'm always nervous for the test
  Of course
 Jacob: yeah me too
6:22 PM me: Are we talking the test or meeting up haha
 Jacob: the test
6:23 PM u didnt answer the other
 me: Yes I did
  I said
  Of course
6:24 PM Jacob: oh ok
  brb
 me: K
5 minutes
6:30 PM Jacob: i think i have conference in balt MD its a week long in sept
  and one in NY or PA this yr
 me: That is amazing
 Jacob: it is the gold standard
6:31 PM accredited too
 me: Yea I bet it is in the usa You see with my profession some things are validated internationally but most aren't
 me: I think it stinks
  I wish I was able to do more stuff in canada...hmmm maybe working in us is better
6:33 PM Jacob: yep
 me: Haha not helping
  My friends all want me to stay here
 Jacob: what do u want
6:34 PM me: Something tells me I'm destined for somewhere else
6:35 PM Jacob: ?
 me: I just feel like us (I meant US as in USA not "us") has more possibilities
6:36 PM it may afford me more opportunity
6:37 PM So you kind of mentioned in another convo that PA might not be the only place for you...h
  Where else would you consider?
6:38 PM Jacob: why
 me: Just asking?
6:39 PM Jacob: colorado
 me: Bc it was such a point of no compromise before
  I think you would do well there
6:41 PM Jacob: u were not compromising bf
  brb
6:42 PM me: K
19 minutes
7:01 PM Jacob: back
10 minutes
7:12 PM Jacob: ?
29 minutes
7:41 PM Jacob: zuzu
I had gotten distracted... I had no idea where this was going.
We were all of a sudden talking...again.
He is saying he would move now...which was literally our only issue (he wanted to live up north and I didn't).
I was totally willing to compromise...I wanted to live anywhere it didn't snow.
He (at the time) said he would ONLY live in ONE city in ONE state and now he is randomly thinking Colorado?!  This is INCREDIBLY frustrating.
And now he was talking about meeting up and I was agreeing?! What was I thinking?!
Here we were carrying on a conversation when a few days before he said we shouldn't be talking anymore.
What to do...I don't want to be the "other women".
I know what I should do.
It just isn't that easy right now.
sigh
Teagan