How did I get to this place?
Why does this place feel like such a dark low bottom-of-a-pit kind of place.
So here it is...my project...cheaper than therapy (or at least a lot less of a wait).
I'm not going to pretend like I came up with this idea on my own.
I have to give credit to Taylor (who has been supportive of blogging, etc.)
I was searching the internet trying to waste some time when I came across a blog...where basically a guy documented everything about all his ex-girlfriends...to get him to a point of clairty.
And it is some kind of inspiration because now he is happily married (according to his blog).
I was addicted to his blog and read through the ENTIRE thing in like 3 days.
I loved how he had colour coded each of the ex-girlfriends (an idea I think I will borrow).
By working through it all he seemed to get to a good place.
So I will focus on that and build up to my current biggest mistake (ex).
Here was his idea...
"Alright...here's the idea. As much as it may seem like it, this isn't exactly supposed to be a regular daily weblog, or dating diary, or some personal pity party, this is an experiment I'm undertaking; that's right, this is science, so back off, dammit. Basically, I'm just an average guy (I'm going to do this from a chick's perspective) in his mid-30's (I'm in my late 20s) who has consitently made the most blatantly stupid mistakes in every single relationship I've ever been in with..."
I can identify with him when he says "...I have been wading through a sea of disfunctional, misguided, and unhealthy relationships, and I've emerged a bitter, damaged, and pretty lonely guy. I've wasted more years than I care to count in meaningless relationships with women that I didn't give a damn about...I've been thoughtless, I've been stupid...in other words, I've screwed up...over and over. The confusing part about it is that all along, I've seen myself doing it. I've always known that most of the decisions I'm making in my love life are the wrong things to do....but I keep on doing 'em anyway, and I honestly have no idea why. Sure, sometimes I can chalk things up to hormones or even baser instincts, and sometimes I've been a bad judge of character or been lacking in tact, but for the most part, and especially the older I get, I'm fully aware that I'm screwing up even as I do it....and I've still been powelerless to stop myself. I'm either with the wrong person and never try to make things right or I'm with the right person & I do things all wrong. And in the last few years, it's cost me dearly.....I made what was probably the worst series of decisions I've ever made...all the time knowing that I was doing something that would severely affect my life, but I just couldn't muster the emotion to do anything about it."
Especially when he says "And I'm tired of it. I've thought about it a lot, and the way I figure it, there has to be a reason for it all; somewhere, somehow, through everything that's happened to me over the past 30-some years...in the sum of all those experiences that make up the person I am today, there has to be an answer. Maybe not a clear-cut one I'll be able to point my finger at, but somewhere in there, there must have been things that happened in my life that I've never looked at with the right kind of hindsight; events that led to other events, different paths I took and the ways & reasons I took them...things that might begin to form a pattern. Maybe someone else will see something that I don't, and their insight will make something a little clearer. Even if I don't learn anything at all, at least I'll have an itemized list of what not to do ever again...so I figure it can't hurt. Anyway, it's a lot cheaper than real therapy."
I'm going to follow his rules which are below (PS if anyone can tell me how to properly sight someone on here...because I'm not trying to steal or take credit feel like I simply learned from him.) with some of my modifications...
I'm going to go back through and recount my entire romantic life, chronologically, starting with my first relationship at the age of sixteen. I'm going to write everything I can remember about anything that happened with, to, and because of every boy that I've ever been seriously involved with or seriously affected by. I'm going to be honest to a fault, no matter how much it makes me cringe. And I'm going to try to learn something. Also, I hope to recieve comments from readers who might be able to see things from a different perspective than myself, and hopefully help me to see some things that I might have missed.
I'm going to write in chronological order, so events and certain Ex's may overlap & flow in and out of the narrative. For the sake of simplicity, unless otherwise noted, I will only discuss boys that I was involved with for at least a few months...long enough to reasonably call them an ex-boyfriend (herafter referred to as an Ex).
Every Ex will be represented by a different color, to make events & references easier to follow. For example, if I we're to talk about a guy named John Paul (which I won't, because he doesn't exist), everything I ever write about John Paul would be in this colour. Get it?
The Ex's are, in alphabetical order and in their designated color:
PH/Spencer (depending on the day)
I also want to make of note that I realize there are 13 boys represented on this list ...I want to be very clear becuase as I am a chick people may look at 13 boys and think SLUT right away. The vast majority I never slept (in BOTH ways)...I may have shared a kiss or a slow dance with ...but hey people are going to judge anyway so have at it.
He finished with, "That's the long & short of it, as my grandpa would say. So, if you're not bored or depressed enough already, go ahead."
One other thing...because I didn't realize where this blog was going initially (part of it becoming My ExBoyfriend Project) So to keep it in nice chronological order I put it all to your right. Where things switched to "real time" their Chapters start with "X" like X-1 etc. It will probably be VERY confusing and a huge jump if you go from the "Past Chapters" to the "Real Time Chapter Xs" until I finish my project. Hope it isn't too confusing but I thought it was a way to keep it in order.
So here I go deep breath...and AWAY we go