Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Monday, February 28, 2011

Winterpeg Trip from Mid February Recap

So after feeling less than stellar in Calgary at least I was headed to Winnipeg.  For those of you who don't know where that is.It's here...

kind of in the middle of nowhere (which is why I'm the first of the girls to head there to visit Sophie in Winnipeg!).

Also it is of surprising note that I would head there seeing as it is regarded as "According to Environment Canada, Winnipeg is the coldest city in the world with a population of over 600,000 based on the average night-time temperature during December, January and February, inclusive.[5]" (Thank you Wikipedia).  I'm so not a cold weather person (I know kind of unfortunate living in Canada then eh?)  So I decided to brave the cold to see Sophie :)  and at least I was hoping to get my mind of everything like this or this.  Another cool Winnipeg fact...that is what Winnie the Pooh is named after!

So Monday (yup Valentines Monday thank goodness Sophie doesn't celebrate!)
It was a pretty pleasant flight (no random selection for searching/x-rays etc.) and I even made it to the airport without getting turned around (yea me!)  So I arrived into Winterpeg around 5:30pm-ish and I was greeted by Sophie at the baggage claim!  I haven't seen Sophie since Jane's wedding in October (with Spencer sigh).  So it was great to just be around her AND she was able to take off all three days I was going to be there :)

We headed straight to her house (yea!) I wish I had taken pictures of it to give a tour but I was so darn excited I totally didn't (she is also the first one of us girls to buy an actual house).  It is 100 years old (but updated) and has tons of character.  I love the wide baseboards and the hardwood floors and the vent thingys (I know they probably have a proper name).  And maybe Canadians were just with it because whenever I see closets in 100 year old homes on TV they are teeny but these ones were actually all pretty decent (granted likely they are from updates but don't seem that way).  Imagine a sweet house that has tons of potential. 

And she has a dog she rescued that we think is a cross between a rottweiler and a collie and just the sweetest thing ever.  We had a long discussion of wanting to do Doggie DNA tests on our dogs (both rescues from shelters) to find out exactly what they are haha.  I wonder how accurate they are and how expensive it is.  So we had a couple of glasses of wine and her husband cooked us dinner.  It was actually really nice to hang with her and her husband.  He is REALLY super shy and quiet which makes it hard with our core group because we have a TON of outspoken ones in the group so often he kind of hangs in the background.  So it was pretty cool to get to know him better too.  We just stayed up chatting until midnight or so before finally going to sleep.  She had the sweetest flannel sheets that were so snuggly I had the BEST sleep that night.

The next day we got up and made a huge breakfast of bacon and eggs etc.  Then we hung out in our PJs and drinking coffee until 4pm!  Seriously all we did was watch HGTV and look through decorating magazines and contemplated paint colours for her house.  She had painted 3 different colours on two walls in her main living area that we contemplated throughout the day.  It was perfect and relaxing and I was starting to feel a lot happier and like myself.  At 4pm we finally mustered up the energy to shower and change and take her dog for a "short" walk.  First thing we saw on the walk that I HAD to take a photo of to show Taylor was someone shoveling their roof with a special shovel! 

Ummm I didn't realize his "short" walks were an hour.  Granted my amazing sweet dog lasts only about 10 maybe 15 minutes maximum (he is also only 5lbs).  So I wasn't used to the cold weather (even though it was UNSEASONABLE warm in Winnipeg the entire time I was there).  On the walk I gave Sophie the low down on the whole Spencer story (it wasn't like I wanted to pick up the phone around Christmas and give her this horrible sad story).  She was floored and really didn't see it coming at all (none of the girls did).  She made me feel way better after talking to her even though I balled my eyes out (gosh when will THAT stop happening? its kind of annoying at this point).  We also had a really great talk about my grandpa and the immense guilt and sadness I was feeling.  I just am so heartbroken.  There are a lot of stories I need to blog about but not yet.  So it was great to actually talk about my grandpa with a friend.  That night we went and had sushi which was amazing!  It has been a long time since I've gotten to do that so it was awesome.

The next day we actually made it out of our pajamas before noon.  We headed to the Mint. 

And learned all about money.  We held up a gold bar which is valued at $500,000 and it was pretty darn heavy.  All those movies with people tossing gold bars into duffel WAY could that happen.  The Royal Canadian Mint makes something like 62 countries coins which was pretty cool to see.  We even got to see Medals from the most recent Olympics.  So gorgeous!

After we learned everything we could about money we headed to a cute market area in downtown Winnipeg called The Forks (which reminded me of my love for Twilight haha)  and even made it into an antique store.  Embarrassing enough I'm pretty sure that was my first time in an antique store and has now definitely peaked my interests.  (I may just be a person that starts to antique :) )

It was a great relaxing day.  I also found my Winnipeg Ornament.  So I do this weird thing.  Where I don't collect like spoons or magnets or mugs or t-shirts from places I visit, I collect Christmas ornaments.  Then when I decorate my tree (like this past year) it is like looking back (on usually) really fun times in my life.  It also keeps the cheezy touristy stuff away most of the year.  Sometimes they aren't actual Christmas ornaments but I fashion them into one.  Like a wooden gecko painted in Batik style from Indonesia etc.  Places like Thailand don't really have "Christmas stores" haha.  So I found a beautiful traditional painted glass ornament in Winnipeg with a teepee and buffalo and first nations on it. 

And will be a reminder of the great three days with Sophie in Winnipeg.  (We did happen across a HUGE teepee and went inside and have a picture taken outside one so it is really appropriate). 

That night we had tacos for dinner (yum!) and it was kind of funny because Sophie was never a meat eater but she is doing so in order to better support the possibility of starting a family :)  So excited for her!  So then we stayed up pretty late just chatting and drinking wine.

Before I knew it the trip was over :(  It went by fast and I found myself wishing I had planned to stay longer but I still had that last online essay to finish and submit (at 15, 000 words +) by Friday at midnight.  I was sad to leave Sophie but glad I made the trip out there.  Now I had basically 24 hours to finish the essay.  I guess I never really explained about that essay test.  But it pretty much was this huge essay that I was really tempted to just not do because of it occuring so close to provincial and national testing in Calgary.  However, after talking to some friends and colleagues I decided to just try and submit (a rather crappy and embarrassing acutal) version and see what happens.  So I did and hit submit at 11:31pm.  Those results come back in 30 days.  I feel like I have no hope for that one but at least I tried which at this point in my life is taking a substantial effort. So that is how I spent my week in western and central Canada.  I do have the BEST girlfriends in the entire world who have been such a huge support to me. (Blog followers this also means you too!) Now I just have to pick myself and put my life together.  It wouldn't be fair to disappoint them and you after all this support. 

Pictures from:,,,,,,,,

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Calgary Trip from Mid February Recap

So the week had started off incredibly terrible and I was still in a state of shock that my Grandfather had passed away on the Monday of that week.
But after careful consideration and support from my friends (including my blog friends that I heart).
I decided to go take the tests in Calgary.
So Friday morning a cab came to my place at 5:30am (way too early) and I headed to the small airport in my city.

I've never actually flown out of my home town.
Its a tiny airport with only 2 baggage claims carousels if that gives you a better idea of size.
It was weird to be flying because I officially haven't flown since I'd returned from Asia in May.
It brought back a flood of memories of Spencer but I tried to push it to the back of my mind.
Even in this tiny airport they have one of those x-ray things and of course I am "randomly selected" to that or a pat down (I've heard the horror stories of the pat downs) so I took some extra radiation instead.
It was pretty fast and before I knew it I was on my way.

I landed in Calgary and found my way to the car rental with my luggage.
The whole time grumbling to myself ...I miss travelling with my husband.
I just felt so gosh darn lonely.
But I tried to push that to the back of my mind after all I have HUGE scary tests to be focusing on.
So I got into my rental car and off I went.
I had packed my GPS (I'm completely USELESS with navigation) and it comes down to like Calgary or Calgary city.  I (mistakenly) assumed I wanted the city (to me this would be more downtown).  But I started driving...and driving...and driving...and finally noticed that I was driving right past the downtown looking aspect. 
This is what I saw that made me think I was NOT travelling in the right direction.

Yes there was definitely nothing around and I was by the D'Arcy Ranch Golf Club (see directly above).  So I pulled over and changed the settings to Calgary and soon found myself headed towards what looked a lot better as a "city".  Even from a distance when I started to turn off one of the main highways I could tell it was more of a "downtown".  And I had already driven past that  same highway and thought to myself ...hmmm I feel like I'm driving past the highway that would take me downtown but since I trusted the GPS I went right on past.  See these are the pics I snapped when I turned off to go down the main highway.

 And I'm actually not doing it real justice (its kind of from far away) but I was all excited that I was getting close to downtown instead of driving in the middle of nowhere.  Here are some pics off the net of the city skyline of Calgary (its not a tiny city but not super metropolitous either).

I know I know could I miss driving past that giant city?...but I did.  I chalk it up to nerves about the test and desparately trying not to think of my grandfather's funeral.  Also the flying put me in a total tailspin about Spencer.  So I headed to the Westin in Calgary thank goodness for having that comfort.  I like their beds there for sure.  I obviously did check if there was a W in Calgary but "settling" for the Westin is pretty good haha.  The hotel was beautiful and that night (for all you hockey fans) there was the visiting NHL team playing the Calgary Flames staying there so there was tons of fans outside the hotel the whole time but it was cute becuaes it was mainly kiddos.  Here are some pics from Westin Calgary's website.

Like the photos?  Good because besides the testing sites that is about all I saw of Calgary for 4 days.  It would be nice to go back for the Stampede one year.  So I kept on studying the rest of the day and night.  I was so full of jitters for the test and honestly I didn't feel focused. 

So Saturday I got up bright and early for the provincial test.  I got there and chatted up some other people taking the test probably about half of them were taking the national one the next day also.  SO I was used to American state tests where you cannot bring ANY things with you into the room (no purse, no phone, no notes etc) so like the American state exam I left my notes in the car.  So we settle in for the test (probably like 30 people) and the proctor starts to read out the instructions and says "okay so its open book so you can use your notes".  The blood drained from my face.  It was  open book?!  How did I miss that I had POURED over the entire 2" binder of notes they provided and their website.  Is it possible I missed that HUGE fact.  OMG what do I do.  So I raised my hand and in front of all 30 people meekly said "ummm I had no idea it was open book and my binder is in my car can I go get it?"  After the proctor okayed it with other test takers I ran to my car and back in.  My eyes were burning I was so completely embarrased.  How had I missed this huge fact.  So I breezed through the test now that it was open book (and I was kind of pissed because I would have spent way more time studying for Nationals versus the Provincials that I spent so much time on).  I was the first person done the test though.  And one of the proctors was like "guess you didn't need the binder so much after all."  But I was super embarrased because I felt like it made me look completely unprepared and that is so NOT me. 

So then I had the afternoon to sit through another portion that I could get out of the way that was part of the provincial mandatory training program.  Most of the people there that were taking Nationals the next day didn't stay they left to study.  So I was a little concerned that maybe I should be studying also but since I had signed up before hand I stuck it out.  Another girl (Canadian that was still in school in the US) came up to me and was like I bet I know why you didn't know it was open book.  I was like, please tell me because I'm mortified that I looked so unprepared.  She showed me a letter that she recieved on Tuesday (test was Saturday) that was the only place it says open book.  Well my mail for "official" stuff goes to my parents place who had left on Monday for Europe for my Grandpa's funeral.  (Sure enough when I got home I had recieved that letter (soooooooooooo frustrating but at least I know I didn't miss a HUGE glaring fact)).

The next day was Nationals.  It was terrifying for me...I don't know why I was so scared but I found it difficult becuase it was vague.  I was shaking so badly in the rooms (it takes place in multiple rooms).  I felt like I BOMBED the first two rooms I just couldn't settle down at all for some reason.  Those four hours were incredibly long and stressful.  I just did NOT feel good leaving that exam at all.  I was planning on getting a massage at the spa after the exam but I was so upset at myself that I totally didn't want to.  So I was just completely bummed and ordered in some room service.  It takes 6 weeks to get these result but I did not feel good about the National test.

However, the good news was that next up was Winterpeg! (What me and all the girls call Winnipeg because it is so freaking cold there).  But it would be my first time to see Sophie in her new house and her new puppy!  So I was excited and there is nothing better for me than hanging out with one of my girls.  Off to Winterpeg!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Chapter X-43: The tide that left and never came back*

I am trying to recall tonight to the best of my it goes.

I got the pep talk from Taylor.
Where I totally only talked about myself and didn't once ask about her at all (which I really REALLY should have...ughhhhhh).
The very good very needed pep talk was done and I held my breath as I dialed his number...andddddddddddddddddd got his voicemail.
So I texted him, "hey I tried to call.  Give me a call when you get the chance."
Less than 20 minutes later he texted me for my number (and yes its the same number he was texting).

Then he called.
I could hear my heart pounding in my ears.
He starts off with a hey how are you?
I am stunned but manage to stammer out "fine how are you."

Spencer: "well you won't believe this but I didn't answer your call for a crazy reason"
Me: "oh yea whats that?"
Spencer: "I got told that I was fired starting tomorrow and to pack up my stuff....hear this (tapping on a cardboard box)...I'm packing up my office"
Me: "oh I'm sorry"
Spencer: "its okay I think the company is going under"
Me: "oh oh my goodness"
So I don't really know what to say to this but I also could venture this story may be made up.
Next he goes, "So I got this form here IXXX that is talking about your immigration visa"
Me: "no you cancelled it"
Spencer: "well I guess but maybe I cancelled it too late...I don't know what it is but it's dated two months ago"
God I'm frustrated seriously TWO months old immigration paper.
Spencer: "I'll mail it to you"
Me:  "ummm can you scan it and email and then mail it"
Spencer: "I guess thats a good idea"
Me: "yea....thanks"

Spencer: "oh yea and I think I know where your iPod and speakers are (from that email I sent him) but I have to look, and for your other stuff but I can mail that out to you"
Me: "great, thanks"
Spencer: "uhhhhh lets see what else..."
Me: "I need your current address"
Spencer: "well I will give you my parents seeing as its a little more permanent"

Me: "kay"
Spencer: (teasing me) " you have a list?"
Me: (lying through my teeth) "no"
Spencer: "I totally thought you would have a list knowing you"
I totally did but did NOT want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he "knew me" like that.  But he did call it and I'm such a list girl.

Spencer: "so I guess with the divorce I heard from someone that you can go to the D.R. (his slang for the Dominican Republic) and its like 150bucks and they do it the same day...maybe we can turn it into a vacay (seriously he used the word vacay)
I sat there in stunned silence. 
He wanted to turn our divorce proceeding into a weekend getaway.
I didn't have any words.
Spencer: "Teagan what do you think, I bet the flights are pretty cheap and we could turn it into like a vacay, because we both have to be there to do this"
Me: "ummmm well I don't think it works that way and I mean we were married in Asia and you're American and I'm Canadian and I'm just not sure it would be that much cheaper or even legal"
Spencer: "hmmm I guess not, maybe I can file in Florida we'll see"
Me: "well honestly it is VERY expensive in Canada and if you can get it done there it would be easiest and I would cooperate fully"
What's weird is I really feel like maybe I was that stupid and dumb when it came to him.  And part of me thought if I did agree to this crazy idea that there is a probability that maybe it would be like a lifetime movie.  Girl meets her husband to get a quicky divorce in the Dominican and he returns home and she is never to be seen again.  Just given his background and training (more about that later) I probably would be chopped up and thrown into an ocean if he lost control.  This is how much I feel like I misjudged this guy.  I'm so angry at myself for being that stupid and creating the situation that I am currently in.

Spencer: "you know sweetheart you have been really great with all of this and handled it so well.  Honestly if there is anyway I could make it up to you I will."
I was FUMING! Is he serious he could have made it up to me by not completely abandoning me and leaving me to pick up all the pieces.  And the sweetheart...why was he doing the sweetheart.  It was like if he wasn't using my name repeatedly he was using pet names!  Super annoying.
Me: "Spencer I think we just need to make this as fast ast possible.  Do you have a timeframe you could do it in because I really need to move on."
Spencer: "well now it looks like I have all the free time in the world from being fired so like mid March maybe March 10th/11th?"
Me: "great I appreciate it"

Spencer: "so we done all the business talk?"
Me: "what do you mean"
Spencer: "Kiddo I haven't talked to you in two months....I want to know how you are?  What's going on in your life?  What's new with you?  Where are you living?  Where are you working?"  How are you doing?"
Me: "I'm baffled that you would want to know this."
I felt all the blood rush to my face.  First because of the "kiddo" it was the same pet name his grandpa calls his grandma and what he used to call me.  Second because what the f*ck?!
Spencer: "what do you mean?"
Me: "honestly Spencer given everything that happened the way that it did...why would you care"
Spencer: "Teagan it hasn't been easy for me"
Me: (totally breaking down and doing the girl thing) "Spencer seriously...I was devastated you left me and I was shocked I thought you were taking time to think about big life changes like the possibility of reenlisting and losing your friends and then it turns out you were really changing your mind about us.  I was devastated and humiliated and I've had to pick up the pieces all by myself"
Spencer: "Teagan it has been hard for me, I've had to call 800 numbers and talk to strangers because I was in such a dark place over this"
Me: (still embarrassingly being a dumb girl) "Spencer I was supposed to be the person that was there for you through your tough times.  I would have been there for you.  When I made those vows it was forever not only when times are good.  I'm so frustrated that you made judgements about me that weren't ME.  You knew me.  I am not my family and I think you were influenced by people when the only person you had to talk to was ME."
Spencer: "Teagan I didn't want this to turn into this"
Spencer: "I guess because this is the first time we have talked in two months it went like this"
Me: "yea I guess" (trying to hold back the tears because how did he get here and is okay with this and THEN try to say that it is tough for him?!  What part exactly was tough for him).
Spencer: "I guess I didn't do a good enough job voicing my concerns"
Me: "Spencer you never voiced concerns, if you did do you think I would have continued to book wedding things and proceeded the way that I did?  Does that seem logical to you at all?"
Spencer: "I guess not I'm sorry for not talking to you"
I am so so angry about this.  We are/were married and literally he decided he didn't want it without talking to me.  Now I'm not oblivious and we were by no means a perfect couple.  We had our own fights/disagreements/etc.  BUT I never ever EVER thought they were at a level that would end a marriage.  He should have talked to me.  You would think that people want to at least try but no he didn't.  I am so hurt and frustrated about this fact.

Spencer: "I wish I could give you glasses so you could see into my wouldn't want to be with me then"
Me: (still being a DUMB girl) "you know the sick thing Spencer is I probably would because I'm that loyal and that commited to the vows we had made" (tears streaming down my cheeks)
Spencer: "you don't understand Teagan I'm not a good guy, I'm messed up"
Me: "I guess I won't understand ever"
Spencer: "well my aunt and uncle won't even talk to me"
Me: "k well I damaged a lot of relationships with the decisions we made"
Spencer:  "Teagan my aunt and uncle wouldn't even talk to me at all in my parents house, everyone is pissed off at me and what I did"

Me: "well it has been very difficult for me Spencer I'm devastated. (trying to pull myself together) did you ever wonder why my mum called you that day (here) she picked up my stuff?"
Spencer: "I assumed it was for her to tell me off and I was in an airport so I hung up"
Me: "well it wasn't to tell you off.  In fact despite everything you have done they were trying to do right by you.  You had packed into my things your medal you gave me"
Spencer: "I did???" (totally sounding panicked)
Me: "yes"
Spencer: "did your mom destroy it"
Me: "no I have it.  I wouldn't do that to you.  I also don't want to keep it because of what it was supposed to mean" (there is a WHOLE big story behind it)
Spencer: "tell you what, you hang onto it and when I complete all my tasks to your satifaction then you can send it to me."
Me: "sure no problem"

Spencer: "well I guess I better keep packing up my office"
Me: "K" 
Spencer: "I will look at the deposit stuff for the wedding and see what I can do and look into either the D.R. or filing here for us"
Me: "K so when will I hear from you?"
Spencer: "well I think we should keep communication open"
Me: "you've said that before and haven't done it so let's say I will hear from you on March 10th or before?"
Spencer: "yea that sounds good."
Me: "K"
Spencer: "It's been really nice talking to you Teagan and honestly I wish all the best for you and only good things.  You're a great girl"
Me: "K bye Spencer"

And I hung up and bawled my eyes out.
It was almost worse that he said I was a great girl at the end.
It was so WEIRD talking to him.
Part of it was weird because he seemed like he was messed up in a bad place.
This had me worried (I know I shouldn't care about him but I'm actually concerned).
Part of it was weird because he sounded just like he used to sound.
Part of it was weird because he was calling me on stuff because he knows me (like the list stuff).
Part of what made it so difficult is I really just don't understand what happened (hopefully it will make WAY more sense when I rehash our entire relaionship over chapters in my Exboyfriend project).
All of it was incredibly heartbreaking.
I don't think I will ever understand happened.
I am so ready for this to start getting better and to start feeling like myself.
I don't want to learn a lesson from all of this.
All that stuff of things happening for a reason etc. I think is total B*LLSH*T right now.
If I could erase the last year and 5 months of my life I would.
And that makes me sick to my stomach.

Shaking...a preemptive Ex Chapter

I'm shaking.
Remember here when I wrote Spencer that email?

Well (NOT a big shocker at all) he hasn't responded its been four days.
For someone who carries a phone around with him EVERYwhere because he was so "important" he sure wasn't now.So I finally broke down and texted him this at 3:21pm...because this HAS to end at some point... "Hey I sent you an email.  Did you get it?"

1.5 hours later a response.
Spencer: "no...I didn't"
My heart was thudding already.
Seriously I haven't heard from him since December 26th with THIS conversation that was awful and just to arrange for my parents to pick up my things.
I responded "what is your current email address"

He give me two (one of them IS where I sent it but I'm not going to argue) and his new number though we are texting on his old number...weird or maybe it is more of a personal cell versus the office blackberry.

To which I don't respond but did immediately forward him the email I had sent.
He responds (via text):  "Call me tonight if you can...Anytime between 6-10..."

I responded with this " Sure I can call you probably around 6.  I just want to get things wrapped up asap.
Spencer: "I understand"

And I'm shaking so bad.
I'm going to call Taylor for a quick pep talk before hand but I'm terrified for some reason.
Like shaking so incredibly ridiculously.
I definitely do not want to cry on the phone.
Oh god...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Chapter Seven: Summer Loving PG style

So we got driven back to Ashley's place in the suburban, which was in much better shape than the Mustang.
The poor kid was a nervous wreck who drove us back.
We hopped into Nathan's car and drove home in the warm morning sun.
I remember driving with the windows down taking a deep breath in and trying to wrap my head around last nights drama.
How did I seriously end up causing the main source of drama at our prom...technically I wasn't "popular" (I so was just Teagan barely on the social radar!) enough to warrant the main drama at our prom?!
So weird...but I was too exhausted from not sleeping at all to contemplate it too much. 

We pulled up to my house and I thanked Nathan for the fun time and let him know that I would call him later.
He let me know that we were officially a "couple" by  not asking but telling me
"Teagan now we're together officially" to which I half-jokingly responded, "Nathan aren't you going to at least ask to be my boyfriend?" to which he responded "why ask if I already know the answer".  Oh Nathan to him everything came easy...handed over on the silver popularity platter.

I walked into the door and had both my parents waiting in the sitting room.
Uh-oh this was a bad sign.
Wait...I didn't do ANYthing wrong...surely I can't be in trouble.
So I trepidationly (I might have just made up that word) walking into the living room.
My mum said, "Teagan, what happened last night?"
Side Note:  Do you ever get the feeling you are being tricked? 
That's how I usually feel with conversations with my mom.
Very much like there is an alterior motive. 
Have to keep my defenses up.
If I was into star wars or star trek or something like that...
it sound would be like "shield power on" or something.
Me: "Nothing it was prom it was good"
Mum: "Is that ALL that happened"
She always gives me the option.
Me (lying through my teeth): yea
Mum: "That's not what I heard"
Then slams down her knowledge/judgement/information.
Me: "uhhhhhhh"
Mum: "were you or were you NOT in a car accident this morning"
how the HECK did she know? (to this day I STILL don't know how she knew)
Me: "ohhhhhhh that"
Mum: "yeeeeeeees that...Teagan how irresponsible can you be?"
Me: "mum it wasn't a big deal, the guy that drove us home backed up into a car a little and everyone was fine and I really had....
Mum (clearly interupting): "you know we gave you the freedom but we're not sure you can handle it"
That stung.
Me: "I'm actually really tired"
Mum: "I hope you aren't planning on sleeping before chores"
Me: "Mum its only Saturday and they're weekEND chores"
Mum: "regardless do them arguing maybe you should have thought about that before staying up all night"
So I begrudginly dusted, vacuumed the house, wiped the baseboards, unloaded the dishwasher and cleaned the bathrooms...and finally 4 hours later crawled into bed and passed out.
I remember always feeling frustrated because I was a GOOD kid but never really felt like my parents saw that.  Then again my parents never really were feelings/hugging/affectionate people...they showed they cared through gifts and money.  This is not the forum for me to get into that but needless to say I think it has to do with my own complex of always giving and spoiling whoever I'm with (even when they don't deserve it).

So prom weekend was over.  All we had left was final exams and the athletic banquet. 
The exams went great as usual (not to brag...or maybe it had something to do with the $100 per "A" I got with my exams, see the whole money=affection thing?!) all reality I would have wanted the "A"'s without it but it was a nice perk for sure.
The athletic banquet was a dinner and awards presentation where you dressed up and each team awarded an MVP and an All-Star award.  The MVP usually selected by the teammates and All-Star award usually selected by the coaches.  But the coaches always had the final say.
I remember in the locker room after practice (now that I had grown into one of the leaders of the team) voicing very loudly that Cammy deserved the award this year.  Her stunt group was always at the front and she was the top/flyer (depending on whether you use Canadian/American terminology).  She was a natural at cheerleading.  Everyone nodded in agreement.

So I picked up Cammy on the way to the athletic banquet.
I wasn't going to go with Nathan (though we were official and he was my boyfriend) because Dave and Cammy had broken up over some questionable behaviour over prom (that I completely missed).
Cammy didn't seem too heartbroken and was already making up with her ex from THIS Chapter.
I remember driving with the top down and I was teasing Cammy being like I have a good feeling about tonight (knowing I had ensured her victory).
So imagine my surprize when I had my camera in my hands and pointed at her when our coach starting describing the MVP...and then called out my name.
I was stunned I just sat there for a second.
Before Cammy grinning at me was like "nice try I could let you not get this after all your hard work this year...I talked to the girls wayyyyyyyy before hand".
I was shaking and so darn happy.
The girls really thought I deserved it and so did my coach.
My life was FAB-U-LOUS!
(I still keep this plaque in a dresser drawer...its one of my prized possessions).

So Nathan was there that night and afterwards I remember him giving me a big hug and spinning me around and said "I KNEW you were talented"  ummmmmm thanks?  I remember thinking the remark was weird because it was like people had thought I wasn't or something.  I definitely wasn't naturally gifted (I talked about that HERE) but I worked my butt off and ate/breathed/sleep cheerleading.
We went to one of the popular kids parties afterwards but I remember being kinda bored actually. 
I wished all the athletes had gone there afterwards but only the select "chosen ones" attended.
I hung out for an hour before Cammy and I both looked at each other and said "kay lets go".
But not before a quick trip to the ladies room.
Where I promptly ran into Nikki (Nathan's most recent EX who was  a sophmore (she had just turned 16 she was 15 when they started dating he was 18 now 19 and I was 17 going on 18)).
I totally felt intimidated.  She was in a teeny tiny short dress expertly applying shiny pink lipgloss.
She slowly turned towards me smirked (must have been my not cool maxi sundress) and said "hey Teagan so you're dating Nathan now"
Me:  "yea"
Nikki: "just be careful"
Me: "what do you mean?"
Nikki: "well lets just say Nathan doesn't like the feeling of protection so I HAD to be on the pill"
My mouth dropped open (I couldn't help it) and she just swished out of the bathroom walking expertly in high heels (a skill I still was nowhere near mastering).
Cammy burst into giggles "seriously I can't believe she said THAT!"
Me: "that was so weird and I wonder if its true....not that it matters anyway"
Cammy:  "I did hear that he wasn't into condoms but most guys aren't"
This floored me.
Didn't they sit in the same health class where we learned about STDs and pregnancy etc?!
I turned to Cammy and said "well I am not even considering have S-E-X (yup I wasn't even comfortable SAYING it) anyway"
Cammy: "do you think he will be happy not doing that when EVERY other girlfriend did?"
I had NEVER thought about this before.
We were taking things we had just made out kissing and I would be pretty happy if it stayed at that level.
I glanced at Cammy, "I hope so."
Graduation came and went and I was pleasantly surprized that Nathan asked to come and sat with my parents for the whole thing.
In Canada at the time you "graduated" in Grade 12 and then if you wanted to go to College (for an associates type diploma) you went then.  If you wanted a degree (like a bachelors etc) you went to University and that is the distinction in Canada.  Those who did five years AND went to College anyway ...we said they did a "Victory Lap".  Nathan did a Victory Lap.  So when I was to return to school for my Grade 13 or "OACs" he was going to be in his first year of College (conveniently also in London).

The summer began pretty slow and steady.
I didn't answer the phone the two times Gavin called.
I was perfectly content working my summer job (at a gas station) and having a boyfriend over the summer.
We would go to movies and out for dinner and I would bring him coffee to his job as a security guard at a hotel.
He wasn't too pushy and when we would make out on a couch and his hands would attempt to wander I would just move them to my back or shoulders or wherever was not my breasts/crotch area for lack of better terminology.  I just wasn't ready when it came down to it.  But I was happy that I didn't get pressured into anything yet.
So one night we were driving home from a beach day and we got into a conversation.
Nathan, "so you're kinda shy"
Me: "ummm yea"
Nathan: "so have you ever done it?"
Hmmm do I tell him the truth?
Me: "ummmm no"
Nathan:  "don't you want to do it?"
Me: "with you?"
Nathan: "yea"
Me: "no...I'm just not ready for that yet"  and thinking to myself don't people like love each other or date longer than two months before this conversation?
Nathan: "when do you think you'll be ready?"
Me: "ummmmm I'm not sure"
Nathan: "well what about other stuff?"
Me: "like what?"
Nathan: "like touching, oral you know"
woah woah woah how did we end up talking like this
Me: "yea I'm not really ready for that"
Nathan: "common Teagan it isn't really that big of a deal you're already 18 which is like kinda old to haven't done it yet" (what can I say he sure wasn't the shy /sensitive type.
Me: "kay I'm just shy and honestly I'm not ready to do that stuff"
Nathan: "well I was going to wait to tell you this but next week I'm going to work security in North Bay for 5 weeks"
Me: "oh but thats like half the summer?  and you leave next week?"
Nathan: "right babe so maybe we can do some more stuff"
I was so bummed.  Seriously that is how oblivious/insecure I was.  I was sad he was leaving not about the conversation.  He was going to be 8+ hours away and I wouldn't see him.  He was going to be gone basically for the whole seccond half of the summer and only getting back right before school.  I had my own insecurities he was going to be around COLLEGE girls and I was going back to high school.  Now this?  I should have been more mad that he was only telling me now.  But I was hurt.  I was also set to get my wisdom teeth taken out in two weeks and I was terrified.  Now he was all of a sudden pressuring me to do more.  I felt like I should do more.  I was going into Grade 13 and it did seem like EVERYone else was doing it.
But I was terrified hello remember Cammy?!

Later that week we were at his house and his parents weren't home.
So we were making out on the couch and he started trying to feel me up and feel me down if you catch my drift.  And I tried to calm the fast stream of thoughts in my head but I couldn't.
"Nathan stop...I'm sorry I just can't yet"
Nathan: "oh come ON Teagan I know you said you wanted to go slow but we've been dating for like 3 months!"
Me: "well I'm sorry I just can't" and I stormed out of his house and promptly sat on the porch ...oh yea then I remembered he had picked me up from my house.
After ages he finally came out "Teagan are you done being mad yet"
Me: "no"
Nathan: "well you need to do SOMEthing so I don't forget all about you in North Bay"
Me: "well l just can't Nathan"
Nathan: "geez Teagan I'm a guy I have needs"
Me: "I want to go home Nathan"
So that is how we ended it.

So I caved...sort of.  My compromise he wanted a pair of panties to take with him to North Bay.
So we didn't have to advance to 2nd base because the panties held him over.
He doesn't know that I went to the mall and bought the cutest pair of black thong lacy panty and sprayed it with my perfume (I don't think the pink cotton boy shorts would have been a hit).
When I think about it now I am upset at myself for feeling like I had to do "something" to "keep" him.
But being amongst so many insecure girls who did SO many things to "keep" their boyfriends at least it was just that.
So the night before he left (while trying to feel me up in the car...he tried I just wouldn't let him) I surprised him by pulling out his surprize present and he was so happy and said "wait until I show the guys your hot sexy panties" and my face dropped "Nathan I didn't get them to for you to show them to your friends."
He promised he wouldn't (I'm guessing he still did).
I invision the scene from 16 Candles where the guy triumphantly holds the panties up for everyone to see.  CRINGE.
I know some of you may be thinking with a guy that kept trying to go further then you wanted and with randome requests why stick around?  The truth was I like him a lot. The truth was I still was incredibly insecure at 18.  He really was the first one to pay attention and he was "cool" and it made me feel better about myself.   And I felt like he didn't push too much or force himself on me too much (though now looking back on it it kind of was).

Nathan going away for 5 weeks was tough.
Teens in Canada just didn't have cell phones then was the summer of '99 (sing it like that Bryan Adams song I think).
So we would have to work with long distance phone cards and timing.
We didn't even have email accounts.
So it was rough.
I remember getting knocked out for my wisdom teeth removal and him calling while I was all drugged and mouth full of gauze.  It was sweet that he called to check on me.
But over the 5 weeks I felt like we were growing apart and found myself doing the girlfriend questioning if everything was okay etc and him saying things were fine. 
But I felt like we were growing apart.
Plus I didn't realize that the 5 weeks actually bought me some time for not moving to the next base.

I was so excited for the day he got back into town (Labour Day ...the day before the first day of school) I spent all day getting ready pretty much.
I even painted my toenails and picked a new outfit and washed my car.
Then the phone rang ...."Teagan we need to talk."
My heart dropped....this could NOT be good.
Me: "Hi I can't wait to see you."
Nathan: "look College starts next week and I just think this isn't working for us."
I was floored and heartbroken.
Me: "ummm okay"
Nathan: "look lets go out for coffee next week kay"
Me: "kay" trying to hold back the tears and as soon as he hung up they flowed down my face.
I was totally mortified.
Starting off my last year of high school single and since it had just happened the day before school everyone would be asking about Nathan.
This was going to be awful and embarrassing.
The first day of school is usually pretty fun and exciting but I was so NOT excited anymore.
My summer had ended off on a sour note.
Now I was dreading walking into school that first day.

to be continued...

Angry Girl

I'm fuming.
I'm so angry I don't know whether to burst into tears or punch something (and I'm so NOT a violent person).
Totally set off by the inevitable.
Remember when I said it can't get any worse here.
I was wrong.

So I contacted some lawyers that handles divorces in Canada.
Which in itself is humiliating and depressing.
I never wanted a divorce...he did.

So after contacting multiple lawyers and getting estimates etc.
The best "deal" I can get...
$350 per hour (which for a separation agreement they generally run $2000)
But if there are numerous negotiations and revisions to the agreement it can be more...not so awesome.
Then the divorce part would be $1400.
So I'm looking at a minimum of $3400+
I'm fuming.

How is this fair?!
I didn't even want the divorce.
Gosh I so wasn't even married how does this b*llsh*t even count.
It's so unfair.
So not counting the other expenses of me flying him here for visiting, the brand new washer and dryer my parents got "us" that we had delivered to his state directly, the AAA membership I added him on as my husband etc. (because If I thought of all those things that would make me violently ill.)
Between wedding deposits lost (that I paid for entirely) after all he was already my "husband" and I wasn't going to make him send money to Canada (stupid STUPID Teagan) that was ~$4500 remember here?
The immigration lawyer (that filed my immigration papers then pulled them at Spencer's request) $3600.
Now this $3400.
I'm so far out $11,500.
Yup that's what I get for following my heart.
That's what I got for trusting what someone told me.
It was SO not worth it.
I don't care what anyone says...if I could go back and change it I would.
Epic fail Teagan way to go! (see a sarcasm font is way necessary).
Now pay for it.
Lesson learned.

PS. Why don't I use my gorgeous sparkly engagement ring as payment (ie. sell it) for any of these things.  Because it was fake. I'm not even kidding.  Awesome.  That story will be covered later.  Promise.

Chapter X-42: Lists, plans*

Okay so I admit it this Jacob thing is getting a tad annoying.
I'm even bored/annoyed at reading the back and forth dialogue that occurs.
(Well when I'm not feeling lonely and eating up the attention faster than anything)

The whole dialogue itself is even developing a pattern.
It kind of goes like this...
1. We start to talk about work or something else innocuous.
2. The compliments start.
3. We confess we miss each other.
4. We start into WAYYYYY too much detail about what we want to do if we met up.
5. We continue talking multiple times a day.
6. We discuss meeting up.
7. Eventually one of us thinks we shouldn't talk anymore due to current relationships (on his part not mine) and we cut off communication.
8. We stop talking.
9. He contacts me again (the longest we have not talked is 5 days).
10. Rinse, wash, Repeat...over and over again.

It is just ridiculous.
This has never happened before (me talking to an Ex again or one that is so unavailable) what the H E double hockey stick is wrong with me...
I'm becoming that girlfriend that you hate talking to
because it is the same ridiculous thing about an Ex over and over again.
I'm annoyed at myself.
I've stopped (almost completely) talking about him to "the girls" because it's embarrasing what I'm doing.

And really I do start to feel awful when I think about this whole situation.  
Here is my "reality check".
1. He's engaged which mean he has a fiancee.
2. He totally therefore must have a wedding date (though I'm too chicken to ask about it).
3. We are actually talking about meeting up which would make me the "other woman" and I'm so NOT the "other woman" kind of woman.
4. I am still so messed up about Spencer I don't know how I'm even fathoming meeting up with Jacob.
5. Jacob has had how many opportunities (really 2) which I will cover in the ExBoyfriend Project obviously if he wanted something he would have acted on it by now.
6. I try to think of Jacob's reaction if he knew the whole story about Spencer...I'm not sure he would still talk to me at all.
7. I need a plan/program to stop talking to Jacob.
8. I need to move on with my life.
9. I need to stop being afraid to be alone forever.  I never wanted to be a strong independant person blazing my own path.  I always wanted (and still do) a partner but feel like I guess I should let that go.
10.  I will continue to feel like sh*t if I keep up these cycles...somethings gotta give...something has to change.
11.  This will not be resolved by moving to another country (even if I totally think it will).

Chapter X-41: Nothing like a little bit of ice cold reality

So as much as its nice to revel in the attention that is Jacob.
I needed to handle some things that have been put off.
First and foremost to finish things off with Spencer.

So I sat down today to write him an email.
I haven't heard from him since December 27thth which I wrote about here.
So I guess I wasn't expected to feel to bad about it...WRONG.
My heart was pounding and I totally had a lump in my throat.

So here is what I managed to write...

I was just wondering if you could check on a few things for me please. I haven't heard from you since December 26th and wanted to know about how your meeting with the immigration lawyer was etc. if there was any information I needed to know.

I seem to be missing the following items from the things returned to me December 27th, 2010.
I'm missing my iPOD and my iPOD traveling speakers (incidentally I have the charger just no speaker).
I didn't come across the receipt for the $700 that you were to pay the Bank of America credit card from the cash I gave you.

I need to confirm your current address please.
Also we need to file for separation and divorce.
It is my understanding that it is a lot faster and cheaper to do it in the USA.
I would prefer if you filed and took care of everything since I've had to take care of everything here on this end.
I have also attached the wedding deposits that you said you would share the costs in ($4600.00)

Please update me as soon as possible.
Thank you

As soon as I wrote it and sent it I burst into tears.
I was not expecting it to be so hard.
I really really feel like he has had no consequences at all because of this.
It literally was as easy as putting my suitcases in his garage for my parents to come pick up.
I am heartbroken.
I didn't think someone would just leave me (especially a husband) especially given the circumstances.  We didn't even try to "make it work".
It literally is like one day he woke up and changed his mind.
And now I have to pick up the pieces.
Guess I'm not exactly over it.
I better take care of this before there are anymore horrible consequences.
It really can't get much worse at all.

Chapter X-40: Pieces of a conversation

January 30th, 2011

10:56 AM Jacob: zuzu
me: Hi
10:57 AM Jacob: hi
me: sent you the pics

I finally sent him the pictures he kept asking about...they are like upclose beauty shots not anything pornographic or anything dirty etc.
Jacob: nothing came yet
me: patience
it is in the internet zone
10:58 AM I did send them though
10:59 AM Jacob: came
me: I didn't know if it would work because some of the files are big
Jacob: it did
11:00 AM u look amazing
me: awww thanks
Jacob: u are so beautiful
11:01 AM me: thanks Jacob

Here's me trying to get him to push me away
me: now to find someone who thinks that too haha
Jacob: i do
11:02 AM me: well that is great :)
but sort of unattainable
Jacob: i want to see u
11:03 AM me: okay I do too
Jacob: u are on my mind
me: a lot eh?
Jacob: u drive me crazy zuzu
11:04 AM me: you too!
11:08 AM Jacob: my internet closed
11:10 AM Teagan?
11:13 AM me: hi
had to take my dog out
Jacob: k
u drive me crazy zuzu
me: you too
Jacob: i cant stop thinking abt u
11:15 AM me: me too
it is frustrating haha
11:16 AM Jacob: i want to see u, i want u Teagan
me: I kind of wish you wanted all of me
Jacob: i do
11:17 AM me: you know what I mean
Jacob: i do i wish our timing was diff and u didnt say u were happily engaged when u did

woah...woah what the heck did that mean?
11:18 AM me: but I did :(
Jacob: i know
11:19 AM me: so now I just have to move on
it is annoying
Jacob: k
me: ?
I meant I have to get past that
11:20 AM Jacob: i said ok
me: sometimes I really wish things had been different
11:21 AM Jacob: i know me too
me: so you still want to see me?
11:24 AM Jacob: i do but with all u say i dont see why u want to
me: what do you mean?
Jacob: u have to move on
so u prob dont want to see me
me: I meant from dwelling on stuff that I wished was different
11:25 AM its not different
it happened that way
Jacob: k
me: it is just I don't know how to explain it with you
do you not what to see me?
Jacob: i do
me: will it happen?
Jacob: seeing each other
11:26 AM me: yes?
Jacob: it can
me: will it though?
Jacob: yes
me: k
Jacob: me too
me: lets plan it then :)

For the record...I'm even getting sick of some of these conversations haha...but then he says stuff like...
Jacob: sorry
i cant get u off my mind Teagan

Then I asked him if he thought there was something special about us
11:35 AM Jacob: yes, i think how we are passionate abt same things, yr profession, the lake, hanging w girls in canada
11:36 AM me: haha funny how you mention the girls from canada
11:39 AM do you think of anyone else with the frequency you think of me?
11:41 AM Jacob: how beautiful, sexy u are and smart u are
me: thanks I think the same things about you
11:42 AM I think our compatibility is beyond anything
Jacob: i want u Teagan

So our conversation is kind of annoying and some details that I really can't bear to share so then...
12:14 PM me: kay
Jacob: i didnt think u would have ever been single and we started talking
me: things happen
12:15 PM I tried to do the right thing

what did he mean he didn't think I ever would have been single etc. (well truth be told NEITHER DID I!)...however I was left dropped and put out like yesterdays trash and now trying to find comfort in someone that is not available (which is wrong but I just can't seem to make a clean break from it).
Jacob: u wouldnt talk to me when u were engaged
me: I know

I didn't talk to him for the period I was "engaged" because I was happy and that would have been wrong of me to do so.  When I was with Spencer I didn't want anyone else.  I wanted nothing but Spencer forever and ever so I refused to talk to Jacob...but something happens when you get ruthlessly left.  My heart is in a million pieces and here is someone who I had been close to before telling me things like I'm beautiful and smart and I'm such a sucker!
12:16 PM but you were the one who deleted me off facebook
Jacob: so what am i suppose to do
me: huh?
12:17 PM Jacob: idk
what to do
me: I'm sorry