the chapter that needs to be closed

I'm going to try and get this all out.
I'm feeling really wrung out right now.
The back and forth is enough to give a girl whiplash.

Of course I'm talking about Jacob.
He's a mess.
Which makes me a mess.

The last 4 weeks have been filled with emails and phone calls and I love yous.
It sort of all came to a head (AGAIN) when I talked to him on Thursday.
He called me to let me know that it was over.

He told her "this is not the way an engaged couple acts" (referencing the fact that they speak for about 2 minutes every 3 days and haven't been intimate for more than a month).
She told him "it's just a f*cking ring on my finger it doesn't mean anything"
So he said "okay well I will come get it then"
Then he did.

And he was so happy.
He told me that he couldn't wait to see me next weekend.
And to continue a relationship.

He talked about coming here every other weekend and continuing our phone conversations would be more than his most recent relationship ever was.
I know I know I didn't know what I wanted 100%.
But I felt myself relaxing into it.

Curiously day dreaming about... what ifs.
Then Saturday night I didn't hear from him.
And all day Sunday (which is weird we don't go for days without speaking).

So this morning I trepidaciously (is that a word?) emailed him a quick "good morning xoxo"
Which was met with this email...
Sorry for not getting back to you.  This weekend and today have been tough for me porcessing everything thats going on with the person I was engaged to.  I'm not engaged I am just now processing evrything and it has been tough.  I literally thought I was going to have a heart attack yesterday and saw a therapist this morning for an hour and a half.  I have a lot of stuff going on mentally that I"m trying to process.

To which I responded...
Ok
I don't want to make you feel pressured
I'm sorry
I hope everything gets easier for you
And you feel better
Best wishes

And with that I tried to step back.
To pretend that I wasn't hurting (again).

Thanks.  I need to get a clear head and process this.

Should we stop all communicating until you feel better?

I think that is a good idea. 
I need a clear head. 
Is that ok?  I'm sorry.

I guess it has to be (I was hurt and feeling angry...and I was frustrated...its always on HIS terms).

Thank you.

Now I was mad...so I tried a little anger honesty.
I'm hurting too you know
It's another weekend where you're not coming (again)
And the back and forth you've done to me isn't fair.

I am aware and your right I'm sorry thats all I can say.  I started feeling like this Saturday night,

What am I supposed to do?

I can't answer that for you I really can't

I don't understand how you can treat someone the way you have treated me.

I'm sorry I can't think clearly right now.

That last message was today at 10:41am.

I don't know what to do.
Maybe I should join a internet dating service.
I'm hurt and angry and just frustrated.
I'm TIRED of being alone.
I find myself withdrawing into myself...which is not being myself at all.
I think it is high time I force myself to move on.

Loose Ends and Tight Beginnings

Hmmm my title sounds kind of dirty but I'm going to roll with it.

Sometimes I don't want to devote things to long drawn out posts  (I said SOMETIMES).

Who know I could always change my mind.

So here goes the tying up loose ends...

• Finishing up the packing/organization/spring cleaning slotted for this weekend (doing a little bit every day but anticipate that this weekend I will finish it all...maybe a post for that).
• Mother's Day Dinner our on Monday (because my mum went away for the weekend with my dad)...and it went okay even though there was complaints about it.  Though I'm not sure how you can complain when my brother and I dropped $432 +15% tip on dinner...guess there will be complaints either way.
•  
• I will be attending Eva's wedding solo at the end of the month...my buddy Will can't come partly because of Memorial Day but I also think majorly because of his gf ~fair enough.
•  
• Eva wanted to introduce me to a friend of her fiance's at the wedding so she was happy that Will wasn't coming with me UNTIL this friend of her fiance's RSVP'ed with a wedding date...bummer!
•  
• Eva thinks there are 4 people going solo to this wedding our age...4 (me, Val, Shelby, and Brooke) therefore this girl won't be participating in any wedding make-out debauchery...double bummer!
•  
• 40 days of yoga pass ran out...I learned mommy and me activities are best left for others.  I only hit 18/40 days which is rather discouraging.  But I guess I could look at it that each hot yoga class only cost $2.22/class which is AMAZING and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself for not doing all 40 days.
•  
• To make things easier I have made a box for Spencer's stuff so I don't have to linger or keep bumping into it and it will be easy to burn return to him later.
•  
• I still haven't heard from Spencer but am stuck on what to do.  I still want him to do the divorce on his end just because it is cheaper and really he should do SOMETHING because he wanted to end it all.  Will thinks I should call him daily until I talk to him...I'm not so sure.
• Last night I spent two hours trying to help my mum put ads on kijiji and check her email...it was frustrating because my parents sometimes feign lack of understanding when they don't want to do things themselves...annoying.
• I am so ready to be done working at my dad's place...it is just boring and stagnant and not my passion BUT has enabled me to save some money (and be able to blog and basically do what I want) so I really can't complain I'm just ready to move on with my life.

Tight (tight=awesome and new) beginnings

• Applied for 5 jobs in the TDot today (including a DREAM job)...fingers crossed.
• My mum called and LITERALLY wanted to read me changes so that I could change things on kijiji ad for her...I told my mum she needs to learn how to do kijiji ads and check her email (I have provided her HAND WRITTEN instructions)...she is pissed but this needs to happen.
• Talked to Will today on the phone for an hour and it was great to catch up with my best friend from graduate school.  He is planning on coming to visit (it is only about 2.5 hours from his city to mine though it does involve a border crossing).  However, he wants to bring the gf (and how could I say no right?)  Despite the fact he is ONLY a friend and there has never been anything between us I'm a little bummed that he is bringing her (can't pinpoint why I just am).
• Will almost kicked my butt for (still...well only until the 24th-read here about that) talking to Jacob...he said "Teagan you HAVE to stop talking to him he has been nothing but a liar and a scumbag with a FIANCEE and has never done anything right by you...go make-out with random chefs or something but really you are wasting your time and heart with this douchbag."  Now you know why Will was my best friend in school haha.
• I have phone interview tomorrow for some temp work (not having anything to do with the 5 jobs I applied for today) in my career...kind of nervous for it but excited.
• Hair highlighting Friday :)
• My brother is going to Vegas for 5 days on Friday...which means I will have the whole place to myself all weekend!  He isn't worried about me having a party or anything he was teasing me that maybe I would have a bookclub meeting or something haha.
• Might return to the library again this weekend and get some good books.
• I'm trying to figure out a better way to organize MyExBoyfriend Project.  Also am trying to figure out if I just pick a day a week to contribute because sometimes writing is sad and draining (obviously the Spencer chapters especially right now when they all the good times and the falling in love and it is still kind of recent)...maybe I will alternate Spencer chapters and older chapters...any suggestions are welcome.

Do you ever feel like you are teetering on the brink of change?...I'm right there I feel like these next couple of weeks are going to have some big huge changes...there is a charge or anticipation in the air...I'm ready to bust through the inertia of suckholeness and move on to getting back to myself.

Pic from here and here

Life Decisions

So I'm anxiously still awaiting the Provincial results.
I think they are mailed from what Shelby can remember and due to the fact that 3/4 correspondence with them in the past is via snail mail I think that is how it goes.
And remember what a nightmare that was for the provincial test?  (read here at the bottom!)
And was is so super duper annoying is that I cannot proceed at all in any fashion until I get that mail.
As in there are forms and numbers that I can't get online.
Which is driving me nuts!

Partially because I practically want to jump out of my skin.
I'm done waiting...I'm tired of being patient...I feel like I might just scream at someone at any moment because I'm tired of all of it and I just want to get the heck up out of here.
I feel like I've been standing on a ledge and the cramping in every part of my body is unbearable and I just want to jump.
Of course I want to jump and land gracefully and poised just like a superheroine.

So this morning my dad stops by my desk to let me know that there was still no mail because all my official/professional things currently go to their address.
Granted it apparently takes 6 weeks which is technically this Saturday coming up.
And my dad (ever the patient and ever the most relaxed person on this planet) says, "Teagan relax its not like you are going anywhere any time soon.  You have to just settle down and realize that you will likely be here until the end of the year."

My blood boiled instantly and I calmly (while wanting to scream and throw a huge hissy fit and flip my desk etc) said, "When I get those results I'm out of here.  This is hell for me and you should be happy I'm considering Canada and not a different country."
Dad says, "Well that hasn't really worked for you before now has it Teagan" ouch that felt like a cold hard smack to the face.
I defiantly stuck my chin up and said, "I'm leaving as soon as those result come in."

What I REALLY felt like yelling was...I get it...I get that EVERYtime you have told me not to do something and I did...you were "right"...I get that...I really do...but it's also easy to have the world's most negative outlook ever and then to say "I told you so"...but I can't just do what you want me to do because it makes me MISERABLE...I have hated these last few months here...it has sucked any happiness or Independence I once had out of me...and I hate myself here...I desperately want out of here and I will be leaving...also by doing the things and making the choices I have made I have had some amazing life experiences...these last two years if I had stayed in Canada maybe I would have a house and be more established in my career...but I wouldn't have hiked a volcano just to watch the sunrise in Bali...gotten a Thai massage in Thailand... ridden an elephant in  Thailand with my bestie Taylor while drinking Heinnikens (it was so hot that I actually drank beer!)... had drinks in a pool with new best friends in Bintan (Indonesia)...chartered a private boat just to go snorkeling in Malaysia...placed my painted handprint on a cement dam with hundreds of school kids in Korea...danced on a beach at 4am with thousands of other people in Singapore to world renowned DJs...my mistakes and "bad decisions" have lead to things that I cherish about my life...so I'm going to continue to screw up if it means all of that!!!!  Holy schmoly that was a vent and a half.

Unless the reason I haven't gotten anything in the mail is because I failed.
Ughh I refuse to fall back into a panic induced depression over the slim chance I failed the provincial part.
I'd rather make mistakes and make choices with my life that I can live with.
I guess what it comes down to is no rewards come without any risk.
I just have to be a little more careful with my heart.

PS the weather here sucks we got 15 cm of snow over night but the ice is what keeps knocking out the power and all I'm trying to do is post darnnit!

Angry Girl

I'm fuming.
I'm so angry I don't know whether to burst into tears or punch something (and I'm so NOT a violent person).
Totally set off by the inevitable.
Remember when I said it can't get any worse here.
I was wrong.

So I contacted some lawyers that handles divorces in Canada.
Which in itself is humiliating and depressing.
I never wanted a divorce...he did.
So after contacting multiple lawyers and getting estimates etc.
The best "deal" I can get...
$350 per hour (which for a separation agreement they generally run $2000)
But if there are numerous negotiations and revisions to the agreement it can be more...not so awesome.
Then the divorce part would be $1400.
So I'm looking at a minimum of $3400+
I'm fuming.

How is this fair?!
I didn't even want the divorce.
Gosh I so wasn't even married how does this b*llsh*t even count.
It's so unfair.
So not counting the other expenses of me flying him here for visiting, the brand new washer and dryer my parents got "us" that we had delivered to his state directly, the AAA membership I added him on as my husband etc. (because If I thought of all those things that would make me violently ill.)
Between wedding deposits lost (that I paid for entirely) after all he was already my "husband" and I wasn't going to make him send money to Canada (stupid STUPID Teagan) that was ~$4500 remember here?
The immigration lawyer (that filed my immigration papers then pulled them at Spencer's request) $3600.
Now this $3400.
I'm so far out $11,500.
Yup that's what I get for following my heart.
That's what I got for trusting what someone told me.
It was SO not worth it.
I don't care what anyone says...if I could go back and change it I would.
Single.most.massive.failure.in.my.entire.life.
Epic fail Teagan way to go! (see a sarcasm font is way necessary).
Now pay for it.
Lesson learned.


PS. Why don't I use my gorgeous sparkly engagement ring as payment (ie. sell it) for any of these things.  Because it was fake. I'm not even kidding.  Awesome.  That story will be covered later.  Promise.

Am I Bleating/Chlogging?

Okay real quick.
I may be bleating/chlogging (blog cheating/cheating at bloggin).
In the midst of buckling down the next few weeks (until the 17th of Feb).
I have blogged "ahead" so the posts might seem disjointed (MORE than usual) or off topic.
So I apologize if this is "wrong" in blogging but I wanted to have something for people to read that is new (kind of) especially to my three followers (yea!!!) because I know I like to check blogs daily :)

So I have a 3 tests in and around the 17th to allow me to work my profession in Canada.
I have to pass or I have to wait until June for retakes.
I'm nervous.
I didn't think this would be happening weeks ago and now it is.
I feel kind of bummed because in a  huge way it feels like settling.
Like taking a bad deal.
Like working the circumstances you are dealt instead of reaching for your dreams blah blah blah.
It feels more like I "have" to rather than "want" to.
I'm not complaining (really) I'm taking these things and running with them.
Like one of my bestie's Eva says "try it for a year.  You can do almost anything for a year." 
So this is me putting in my year haha.

I'm buckling down and becoming a hermit until after the 17th!
And then I will celebrate and reach for my dreams.
And figure it all out and really get back to myexboyfriend project.
And deal with Spencer (who I haven't spoken to since the 15 minute argument conversation HERE).
It has been more than 4 weeks but whatever.
He is something I will have to wait for time to pass so it doesn't cut so deep/hurt so bad.
And I always have Jacob to keep me on my toes... more to come on that.
Back to preparing for these yucko tests.



PS I still will check and reply to comments of course...I can't really really stay away for that long!
PPS I totally just realized the 17th is would have been my one year engagement/wedding anniversary isn't THAT ironic.  My my how things can totally suck...your life can fall apart...suck you into a hole of depression    change in just a year.  Which means my life could be amazing in just one short year.  Taylor gives me hope.  Hmm lets check back in 2012 and see.  I'm crossing all my toes and fingers.

Chapter X-13: We Might As Well Be Strangers (part 2)

Since part of this is "real time".  It will get confusing so for all intents and purposes...I will put date-ish at the top of posts and label current ones as Chapter "X" until they get an actual number and I can rename them.

So today if you recall is the day PH and I were going to touch base.

Oops thats right he has a colour.

REAL TIME...so Wednesday December 15th, 2010


So he texted.
Thats right ladies and gentlemen the big strong courageous jerkface didn't even call he texted.
For those of you who thought it didn't get much lower than ending a marriage via a phone call ...it does.


So we are currently in arrangements to get all my things back because (as it will get eventually covered).
I moved all my things from Asia to his state.
I have been trying to arrange for the last month to get my things back.
On Monday he said he would be able to afford shipping things back in 50lb increments.
My parents are actually going to be on vacation in his state (about 2 hours away). 
So both they and I want to get my things back as soon as possible.
Here is how our "conversation" went via text this morning.


PH: "Hey, did you get dates when your parents are coming down" (Me: partially confused because I already gave him days).
Me: "How about the 28th at noon?  They actually aren't there for very long...or you could do the drop off on the 27th."
PH: "I will not be here, but that does not have to stop anything...Samantha could be here I guess?  What do you think.  I will be in another state from 27th-6th of Jan..."
Me: "Sure just please have everything ready and like by the door.  They kind of want to come load up and leave and they don't want to be walking around your place...finding stuff etc."
PH:  "Okay I will let you know...Give me until today..."
Me: "No problem."


It is so weird.
It really makes no sense at all.
sigh
At least things are moving in some kind of direction.
Like I said before we may as well be strangers at this point.