Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Monday, October 10, 2011

the chapter that needs to be closed

I'm going to try and get this all out.
I'm feeling really wrung out right now.
The back and forth is enough to give a girl whiplash.

Of course I'm talking about Jacob.
He's a mess.
Which makes me a mess.

The last 4 weeks have been filled with emails and phone calls and I love yous.
It sort of all came to a head (AGAIN) when I talked to him on Thursday.
He called me to let me know that it was over.

He told her "this is not the way an engaged couple acts" (referencing the fact that they speak for about 2 minutes every 3 days and haven't been intimate for more than a month).
She told him "it's just a f*cking ring on my finger it doesn't mean anything"
So he said "okay well I will come get it then"
Then he did.

And he was so happy.
He told me that he couldn't wait to see me next weekend.
And to continue a relationship.

He talked about coming here every other weekend and continuing our phone conversations would be more than his most recent relationship ever was.
I know I know I didn't know what I wanted 100%.
But I felt myself relaxing into it.

Curiously day dreaming about... what ifs.
Then Saturday night I didn't hear from him.
And all day Sunday (which is weird we don't go for days without speaking).

So this morning I trepidaciously (is that a word?) emailed him a quick "good morning xoxo"
Which was met with this email...
Sorry for not getting back to you.  This weekend and today have been tough for me porcessing everything thats going on with the person I was engaged to.  I'm not engaged I am just now processing evrything and it has been tough.  I literally thought I was going to have a heart attack yesterday and saw a therapist this morning for an hour and a half.  I have a lot of stuff going on mentally that I"m trying to process.

To which I responded...
I don't want to make you feel pressured
I'm sorry
I hope everything gets easier for you
And you feel better
Best wishes

And with that I tried to step back.
To pretend that I wasn't hurting (again).

Thanks.  I need to get a clear head and process this.

Should we stop all communicating until you feel better?

I think that is a good idea. 
I need a clear head. 
Is that ok?  I'm sorry.

I guess it has to be (I was hurt and feeling angry...and I was frustrated...its always on HIS terms).

Thank you.

Now I was I tried a little anger honesty.
I'm hurting too you know
It's another weekend where you're not coming (again)
And the back and forth you've done to me isn't fair.

I am aware and your right I'm sorry thats all I can say.  I started feeling like this Saturday night,

What am I supposed to do?

I can't answer that for you I really can't

I don't understand how you can treat someone the way you have treated me.

I'm sorry I can't think clearly right now.

That last message was today at 10:41am.

I don't know what to do.
Maybe I should join a internet dating service.
I'm hurt and angry and just frustrated.
I'm TIRED of being alone.
I find myself withdrawing into myself...which is not being myself at all.
I think it is high time I force myself to move on.

1 comment:

  1. Forcing yourself to move on is so, so hard. But I think you hit a wall eventually. The on and the off just gets exhausting and then you're just, like, done. Totally done. I hope that time comes soon for you, kiddo. xoxox