the next day we continued...with our usual banter...
5:37 PM Jacob: hi
5:40 PM me: Hi
Jacob: what are u up to
5:41 PM me: Hanging out deciding what to cook...I've been working out more so I'm always starving haha
5:43 PM Jacob: i know the feeling, im eating now
me: What are you eating I need inspiration haha
5:44 PM Jacob: pork chop, sweet potato, salad
me: Yummy
Jacob: i made your special chicken dish sunday
me: Of course you did haha
Jacob: i need to try samosas one day
me: I made those sat for Taylor :)
so now that we got our boring conversation out of the way...
5:49 PM Jacob: i have mixed thoughts about of meeting
me: K
5:50 PM Jacob: do u know why
...ummm could it be that it would be very VERY wrong to meet up
me: No why?
5:51 PM Jacob: if we to meet up as friends i dont know if i trust myself being alone with u
Cue the screeching breaks.
If we meet as "friends" that is total B*llsh*t first of all.
Really he doesn't trust being alone with me...umm hi all this discussion is equally inappropriate.
me: Why do you think that is?
5:52 PM Jacob: well if u still had feelings for me and i saw u it would be hard for something not to happen
This kind of made me angry because it is all about ME having feelings about HIM and not the other way around when
clearly he is the one who initiates everything and every discussion.
me: You make it sound one sided
wahoo for me speaking up!
5:53 PM Jacob: im saying i think if we met up something would happen, do u agree
me: I'm not sure
Jacob: k
5:54 PM me: Do you still think about me?
Jacob: i think if two people who were intimate w each other and didnt end on bad terms were together alone makes its easy for things to happen is all im saying
me: K
5:55 PM Jacob: do u agree
me: No
Jacob: haha
me: I'm allowed to disagree ;)
Jacob: why
me: ?
5:56 PM Jacob: lol jk
5:58 PM me: :P
5:59 PM Jacob: ?
me: Just sticking my tongue out at you haha
6:00 PM Jacob: k
me: I'm allowed
6:02 PM I decided on dinner :)
6:03 PM Jacob: k
so what are yr thoughts on meeting
I SHOULD say we shouldn't meet up ...heck matter of fact I should STOP talking to him completely but it is determined that I'm weak and continue.
me: I would still want to
because I'm selfish and I want a weekend to feel good
Jacob: ok
6:04 PM me: U don't?
Jacob: i do, but i have those concerns
me: K
6:05 PM So u r concerned
Jacob: abt what i said
me: K
Jacob: thoughts
?
6:06 PM me: Well what r u thinking?
Jacob: i told u
me: What do your friends think?
6:07 PM Jacob: i havent discussed it with anyone yet since it was just recently talked abt
me: K
6:08 PM Jacob: what do u think after all i said
me: I already told you
6:09 PM Jacob: i know u want to i meant abt what i said
6:10 PM me: I disagree
What happens if we see each other at a seminar etc
It is possible that due to our profession we run into each other at some point.
6:11 PM Jacob: how do i know u wouldnt try to do anything
THIS PISSED ME OFF.
I have NOT initiated anything EVER with us.
Crap I just refered to "us".
me: Seriously THAT is your concern?
Wow you really don't think much of me
6:12 PM Jacob: im afraid of too much chemistry and we both lose control
6:13 PM me: Well it isn't unlikely that at some point we may run into each other
Jacob: are u moving to PA lol
me: Seminars/professional development/conferences
Is what I meant
6:14 PM Jacob: i agree
me: ?
Jacob: that i would see u
me: And then what
Jacob: i meant if we met up at a destination just the two of us
6:15 PM me: Do you want to see me?
Jacob: yes
me: Well then...
6:16 PM Jacob: i will think abt it
me: K
Jacob: fair?
6:17 PM me: Do I have a choice haha
Jacob: haha
me: :P
6:23 PM Jacob: what are yr reasons for wanting to see me
Honestly, my reasons are 100%selfish. I want to feel good about myself again. I wanted to feel wanted. With Jacob everything was always easy like we instantly "fit". When we met up in Syracuse before I moved to Asia it was simply a wonderful weekend of lying in bed and just going out to eat meals together and cuddling and whispered I love yous...I feel like right now that is all I crave. Does it mean that it is right? No. Does it mean that anything will come of it? No. How could I even possibly explain THAT?
me: What are your reasons?
6:25 PM Jacob: i asked u then i will go
me: Well I'm not the unsure one so you should go first
What are your reasons my reasons are good and I'm ok with it
6:26 PM Jacob: if u are so sure tell me
me: I want to see you
6:27 PM Simple, uncomplicated
Jacob: why
me: What do I need to give you a perimeter or something?
6:28 PM Why do you?
Jacob: no i just want to know why u want to see me
me: I don't understand
6:29 PM Jacob: a reason
me: Why you hold back what you are thinking then
Every time
Bc I miss you and want to hang out
Simple
Uncomplicated
6:30 PM Now you try
Jacob: ok
me: So why do you want to see me?
6:31 PM Jacob: well u were a big part of my life when i had the most change and accomplishment with my life and getting my second degree and shared important things together
6:32 PM me: K so that is good
6:33 PM Jacob: i think of u alot
What.the.F?
me: How so?
6:35 PM Jacob: do u
me: Yes
How so?
6:36 PM Jacob: chemistry a connection
me: True
6:37 PM Jacob: k
6:38 PM me: How often is a lot?
6:39 PM Jacob: no more questions haha
6:40 PM me: Why?
U usually ask a lot of questions
Jacob: haha
6:41 PM me: Soooooooo
6:43 PM Jacob: ?
me: How often is a lot haha
6:44 PM Jacob: it means what it mean
s
me: Why do you think that is?
6:45 PM Jacob: what abt u
me: I asked you first.
Jacob: i told u
me: Chemistry?
Jacob: a lot
6:46 PM me: But you must have that now
If not better
Chemistry
I'm trying to give him an out. And hoping that he says something that makes me feel so rejected I run the other direction.
6:48 PM Jacob: /
?
6:49 PM me: But you must have that now. If not better chemistry with who you are with.
Jacob: i do
And I suck because then I say...
6:50 PM me: Well then it isn't a big deal us hanging out
You have that
Jacob: we may too
Crap because in a way I want him to say "she is way better and the love of my life" but if that was true I don't think he would be talking to me like he is.
me: It can't be the exact same
6:51 PM Jacob: its different
me: Better
6:52 PM ?
Jacob: ?
me: It must be better?
Jacob: i am happy with the person i am with
He didn't say it was better...gosh it totally sounds like he is settling doesn't it?
6:53 PM me: I would just hope it was better
Improved etc
Can you see how I'm trying to get him to say it is BETTER with HER!
Jacob: :)
me: ?
6:54 PM Jacob: we were good but there was geography and the visa at a bad time
6:55 PM and u picked someone else
me: I stopped
Jacob: ?
6:56 PM me: whether right or wrong I stopped
6:57 PM Jacob: timing was off i guess
6:58 PM me: But you found better right?
6:59 PM Jacob: yes im happy
me: I'm glad :)
I never wanted you to settle
Jacob: we all have many people we would work with and be happy
this really does sound like settling
7:00 PM Jacob: we could have been happy and that wouldnt have been settling either its timing
me: K
7:01 PM Jacob: so what do u say abt thinking a lot too
7:02 PM me: Huh?
Jacob: u said u thought of me alot too
me: Yup
Jacob: how so?
7:04 PM me: Why?
Jacob: i asked u and i gave u answers
me: Same then
My answers are the same
7:05 PM Jacob: ?
me: Same answers as you
Compatibility etc
Chemistry
7:06 PM Jacob: do u have feelings u use to for me
7:07 PM me: I'm not sure
Jacob: so u probably wouldn't want something even if i was single
WTF?! Seriously is this how this is going? Why talk about impossible things.
7:08 PM me: would it matter?
Jacob: i guess we dont have to talk abt it
i was asking to ask but we dont need to
7:09 PM me: Its like me asking if you would want something if you were single
7:10 PM Jacob: k
me: Would you?
Jacob: doesnt matter ;)
me: Haha
7:11 PM But let's say hypothetical
Jacob: why
me: Why not?
If you have an answer
Jacob: u dont so
me: But we established you are better than me sooooo....
Hypothetically
7:12 PM Jacob: u dont tell me so
me: Tell me pretty please
Jacob: u dont share so no
me: I totally share and I always go first
7:13 PM Jacob: not today
me: Yea today!
Jacob: u said it doesnt matter and u arent talking
me: I don't know because it is all hypthetical
I'm asking if you know
Jacob: then i am the same
me: Liar
7:14 PM Jacob: /
?
me: :PP
Jacob: why do u have a different answer
me: Huh?
Jacob: u would or dont know
me: Maybe
Jacob: maybe or yes
7:15 PM me: Now I'm confused haha
Jacob: would want something
me: If you were single?
Jacob: yes
7:16 PM me: I wouldn't rule it out IF you were single
Jacob: or would u want it and pursue it
me: I think I prefer being pursued
Honestly
Jacob: haha
7:17 PM me: I like to feel like the girl
Which is why it took forever for you to ask me out!
Jacob: if i were single when i found out u were in canada i would have drove up the next day
THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY
7:18 PM me: Not true you didn't before
Jacob: yep
me: Yep what?
Jacob: i would have
me: But I tried to get you to come to Asia
7:19 PM Jacob: thats different a lot of time off from work a lot more money
that was a roadblock
i never have been overseas
7:20 PM me: It would have been fun
:)
Overseas is fun
Jacob: yep
im sure
anyway its doesnt matter now
7:21 PM me: So why do you think of me. A lot now?
Jacob: why do u
me: Bc we talk
Jacob: sam
e
me: I like talking to you
And the following is why we are ridiculous...becuase we change the subject completely and ignore stuff.
7:22 PM Jacob: i videoed myself at la fitness doing a 515 deadlift on friday :)
me: Awesome
Jacob: it actually went up fast
me: Wow that's great it sounds like your new training is working well
7:23 PM Jacob: yep
me: Cool
7:27 PM Jacob: baby zuzu
me: Hi
Jacob: hi
me: :)
Jacob: /
?
7:28 PM me: I liked it better when we talked about syracuse haha
Jacob: haha why
me: It was funner
Ha
Jacob: ?
me: More fun = funner
Jacob: yep
me: Haha
7:30 PM See you shouldn't have fallen asleep that night ;)
Jacob: it was a good night
me: I thought it was betyter than good
Jacob: haha
7:31 PM client coming in and its time to get ready to go
me: K
Later
Jacob: bye
me: Bye
7:32 PM Jacob: bye baby zuzu
I'm such a sucker for nicknames.
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