Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Chapter X-38: the day after TMI...back to our "normal"

Date: Wed, Jan 19, 2011
the next day we continued...with our usual banter...

5:37 PM Jacob: hi
5:40 PM me: Hi
 Jacob: what are u up to
5:41 PM me: Hanging out deciding what to cook...I've been working out more so I'm always starving haha
5:43 PM Jacob: i know the feeling, im eating now
 me: What are you eating I need inspiration haha
5:44 PM Jacob: pork chop, sweet potato, salad
 me: Yummy
 Jacob: i made your special chicken dish sunday
 me: Of course you did haha
 Jacob: i need to try samosas one day
 me: I made those sat for Taylor :)

so now that we got our boring conversation out of the way...

5:49 PM Jacob: i have mixed thoughts about of meeting
 me: K
5:50 PM Jacob: do u know why

...ummm could it be that it would be very VERY wrong to meet up

 me: No why?
5:51 PM Jacob: if we to meet up as friends i dont know if i trust myself being alone with u

Cue the screeching breaks.
If we meet as "friends" that is total B*llsh*t first of all.
Really he doesn't trust being alone with me...umm hi all this discussion is equally inappropriate.

 me: Why do you think that is?
5:52 PM Jacob: well if u still had feelings for me and i saw u it would be hard for something not to happen

This kind of made me angry because it is all about ME having feelings about HIM and not the other way around when
clearly he is the one who initiates everything and every discussion.

 me: You make it sound one sided
wahoo for me speaking up!
5:53 PM Jacob: im saying i think if we met up something would happen, do u agree
 me: I'm not sure
 Jacob: k
5:54 PM me: Do you still think about me?
 Jacob: i think if two people who were intimate w each other and didnt end on bad terms were together alone makes its easy for things to happen is all im saying
 me: K
5:55 PM Jacob: do u agree
 me: No
 Jacob: haha
 me: I'm allowed to disagree ;)
 Jacob: why
 me: ?
5:56 PM Jacob: lol jk
5:58 PM me: :P
5:59 PM Jacob: ?
 me: Just sticking my tongue out at you haha
6:00 PM Jacob: k
 me: I'm allowed
6:02 PM I decided on dinner :)
6:03 PM Jacob: k
  so what are yr thoughts on meeting

I SHOULD say we shouldn't meet up ...heck matter of fact I should STOP talking to him completely but it is determined that I'm weak and continue.

me: I would still want to

because I'm selfish and I want a weekend to feel good

 Jacob: ok
6:04 PM me: U don't?
 Jacob: i do, but i have those concerns
 me: K
6:05 PM So u r concerned
 Jacob: abt what i said
 me: K
 Jacob: thoughts
6:06 PM me: Well what r u thinking?
 Jacob: i told u
 me: What do your friends think?
6:07 PM Jacob: i havent discussed it with anyone yet since it was just recently talked abt
 me: K
6:08 PM Jacob: what do u think after all i said
 me: I already told you
6:09 PM Jacob: i know u want to i meant abt what i said
6:10 PM me: I disagree
  What happens if we see each other at a seminar etc
It is possible that due to our profession we run into each other at some point.
6:11 PM Jacob: how do i know u wouldnt try to do anything

I have NOT initiated anything EVER with us. 
Crap I just refered to "us".

 me: Seriously THAT is your concern?
  Wow you really don't think much of me
6:12 PM Jacob: im afraid of too much chemistry and we both lose control
6:13 PM me: Well it isn't unlikely that at some point we may run into each other
 Jacob: are u moving to PA lol
 me: Seminars/professional development/conferences
  Is what I meant
6:14 PM Jacob: i agree
 me: ?
 Jacob: that i would see u
 me: And then what
 Jacob: i meant if we met up at a destination just the two of us
6:15 PM me: Do you want to see me?
 Jacob: yes
 me: Well then...
6:16 PM Jacob: i will think abt it
 me: K
 Jacob: fair?
6:17 PM me: Do I have a choice haha
 Jacob: haha
 me: :P
6:23 PM Jacob: what are yr reasons for wanting to see me

Honestly, my reasons are 100%selfish.  I want to feel good about myself again.  I wanted to feel wanted. With Jacob everything was always easy like we instantly "fit".  When we met up in Syracuse before I moved to Asia it was simply a wonderful weekend of lying in bed and just going out to eat meals together and cuddling and whispered I love yous...I feel like right now that is all I crave.  Does it mean that it is right? No.  Does it mean that anything will come of it? No.  How could I even possibly explain THAT?

 me: What are your reasons?
6:25 PM Jacob: i asked u then i will go
 me: Well I'm not the unsure one so you should go first
  What are your reasons my reasons are good and I'm ok with it
6:26 PM Jacob: if u are so sure tell me
 me: I want to see you
6:27 PM Simple, uncomplicated
 Jacob: why
 me: What do I need to give you a perimeter or something?
6:28 PM Why do you?
 Jacob: no i just want to know why u want to see me
 me: I don't understand
6:29 PM Jacob: a reason
 me: Why you hold back what you are thinking then
  Every time
  Bc I miss you and want to hang out
6:30 PM Now you try
 Jacob: ok
 me: So why do you want to see me?
6:31 PM Jacob: well u were a big part of my life when i had the most change and accomplishment with my life and getting my second degree and shared important things together
6:32 PM me: K so that is good
6:33 PM Jacob: i think of u alot
me: How so?
6:35 PM Jacob: do u
 me: Yes
  How so?
6:36 PM Jacob: chemistry a connection
 me: True
6:37 PM Jacob: k
6:38 PM me: How often is a lot?
6:39 PM Jacob: no more questions haha
6:40 PM me: Why?
  U usually ask a lot of questions
 Jacob: haha
6:41 PM me: Soooooooo
6:43 PM Jacob: ?
 me: How often is a lot haha
6:44 PM Jacob: it means what it mean
 me: Why do you think that is?
6:45 PM Jacob: what abt u
 me: I asked you first.
 Jacob: i told u
 me: Chemistry?
 Jacob: a lot
6:46 PM me: But you must have that now
  If not better

I'm trying to give him an out.  And hoping that he says something that makes me feel so rejected I run the other direction.

6:48 PM Jacob: /
6:49 PM me: But you must have that now. If not better chemistry with who you are with.
 Jacob: i do
And I suck because then I say...
6:50 PM me: Well then it isn't a big deal us hanging out
  You have that
 Jacob: we may too
Crap because in a way I want him to say "she is way better and the love of my life" but if that was true I don't think he would be talking to me like he is.
 me: It can't be the exact same
6:51 PM Jacob: its different
 me: Better
6:52 PM ?
 Jacob: ?
 me: It must be better?
 Jacob: i am happy with the person i am with
He didn't say it was better...gosh it totally sounds like he is settling doesn't it?
6:53 PM me: I would just hope it was better
  Improved etc
Can you see how I'm trying to get him to say it is BETTER with HER!
 Jacob: :)
 me: ?
6:54 PM Jacob: we were good but there was geography and the visa at a bad time
6:55 PM and u picked someone else
 me: I stopped
 Jacob: ?
6:56 PM me: whether right or wrong I stopped
6:57 PM Jacob: timing was off i guess
6:58 PM me: But you found better right?
6:59 PM Jacob: yes im happy
 me: I'm glad :)
  I never wanted you to settle
 Jacob: we all have many people we would work with and be happy
this really does sound like settling
7:00 PM Jacob: we could have been happy and that wouldnt have been settling either its timing
 me: K
7:01 PM Jacob: so what do u say abt thinking a lot too
7:02 PM me: Huh?
 Jacob: u said u thought of me alot too
 me: Yup
 Jacob: how so?
7:04 PM me: Why?
 Jacob: i asked u and i gave u answers
 me: Same then
  My answers are the same
7:05 PM Jacob: ?
 me: Same answers as you
  Compatibility etc
7:06 PM Jacob: do u have feelings u use to for me
7:07 PM me: I'm not sure
 Jacob: so u probably wouldn't want something even if i was single
WTF?!  Seriously is this how this is going?  Why talk about impossible things.
7:08 PM me: would it matter?
 Jacob: i guess we dont have to talk abt it
  i was asking to ask but we dont need to
7:09 PM me: Its like me asking if you would want something if you were single
7:10 PM Jacob: k
 me: Would you?
 Jacob: doesnt matter ;)
 me: Haha
7:11 PM But let's say hypothetical
 Jacob: why
 me: Why not?
  If you have an answer
 Jacob: u dont so
 me: But we established you are better than me sooooo....
7:12 PM Jacob: u dont tell me so
 me: Tell me pretty please
 Jacob: u dont share so no
 me: I totally share and I always go first
7:13 PM Jacob: not today
 me: Yea today!
 Jacob: u said it doesnt matter and u arent talking
 me: I don't know because it is all hypthetical
  I'm asking if you know
 Jacob: then i am the same
 me: Liar
7:14 PM Jacob: /
 me: :PP
 Jacob: why do u have a different answer
 me: Huh?
 Jacob: u would or dont know
 me: Maybe
 Jacob: maybe or yes
7:15 PM me: Now I'm confused haha
 Jacob: would want something
 me: If you were single?
 Jacob: yes
7:16 PM me: I wouldn't rule it out IF you were single
 Jacob: or would u want it and pursue it
 me: I think I prefer being pursued
 Jacob: haha
7:17 PM me: I like to feel like the girl
  Which is why it took forever for you to ask me out!
 Jacob: if i were single when i found out u were in canada i would have drove up the next day
7:18 PM me: Not true you didn't before
 Jacob: yep
 me: Yep what?
 Jacob: i would have
 me: But I tried to get you to come to Asia
7:19 PM Jacob: thats different a lot of time off from work a lot more money
  that was a roadblock
  i never have been overseas
7:20 PM me: It would have been fun
  Overseas is fun
 Jacob: yep
  im sure
  anyway its doesnt matter now
7:21 PM me: So why do you think of me. A lot now?
 Jacob: why do u
 me: Bc we talk
 Jacob: sam
 me: I like talking to you
And the following is why we are ridiculous...becuase we change the subject completely and ignore stuff.
7:22 PM Jacob: i videoed myself at la fitness doing a 515 deadlift on friday :)
 me: Awesome
 Jacob: it actually went up fast
 me: Wow that's great it sounds like your new training is working well
7:23 PM Jacob: yep
 me: Cool
7:27 PM Jacob: baby zuzu
 me: Hi
 Jacob: hi
 me: :)
 Jacob: /
7:28 PM me: I liked it better when we talked about syracuse haha
 Jacob: haha why
 me: It was funner
 Jacob: ?
 me: More fun = funner
 Jacob: yep
 me: Haha
7:30 PM See you shouldn't have fallen asleep that night ;)
 Jacob: it was a good night
 me: I thought it was betyter than good
 Jacob: haha
7:31 PM client coming in and its time to get ready to go
 me: K
 Jacob: bye
 me: Bye
7:32 PM Jacob: bye baby zuzu

I'm such a sucker for nicknames.

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