Chapter X-47: Ashes of Dreams You Let Die*

In line with my crap a** mode lately...I am just frustrated about Spencer.
He has been clouding my thoughts in yoga.
And I think I finally figured it out...what I am fearing about it and about the whole situation.

I fear that it was all me.
It was totally my fault.
I am really someone who will be alone forever because of who I am.
He will find someone else and be that perfect partner I thought he was.

He will find a woman to spoil with love and affection and raise the perfect family.
They will go sailing on the weekends on his boat.
Him in his Nautica Sailing Flag belt and Sperry's.
Her in a Lilly Pulitzer Dress (she will blond and perfect and petite).
Their family looks like this in my head (obviously from a Britney video Pic is from here)...

They will be living in Florida and just have the perfect life.
I will be his crazy 2nd ex-wife...that he narrowly escaped thanks to immigration issues.
He will be like that Army guy in the Hurt Locker with the box of things that "nearly killed him" and remember it included his wedding ring. (Pic from here)

He will tell stories of his "crazy ex's family".

This is my fear.
And why the heck would I even care???
I'm caring and stressing over a fictional scenario...because it will mean it is all me.
I really need to forgive myself over this whole fiasco.

So in the spirit of all that cr*pola ...I decided to call him.
Remember I haven't talked to him since February 24th and he was supposed to contact me March 10th (read here)...well it's a little later than that now.
So I called and it went to voicemail.
I didn't leave a message.

Instead I sent him an email that simply said...
Please send me an update. 
If you found my other things and if you had a chance to file yet for divorce.

He wrote back within minutes...
"I have the paperwork all ready...just need the money...I first paycheck at the new job will be on the first.  So I will file then.  Sorry..."

To which I replied with "Okay so you are able to file directly for divorce?  (I don't think there is separation in Floida)  Please make sure to include separation of all assets and liabilities.  Were you able to find my iPod and iPod speakers?  Thanks"

ANDDDDDD no response.

So that is where I'm at.
Feeling incredibly heartbroken.
Not really trusting him but hoping he does file so that I don't have to pay for it
(which would be $3600 I could use towards a TDot move!!!)
and hoping that it honestly isn't in public files in Canada.

I'm not sure if I will ever tell anyone this horrible story.
Except the blogger world, my parents and the Waterloo Girls no one else knows.
I do wish it had never happened.
I wish I had never married him (obviously because of how it turned out).
I would never have believed you if you had told me this is how it would work out.

Likely I will never see my iPod or iPod speakers and likely he won't give me anything for all the money I lost in terms of wedding deposits and immigration lawyer etc.
But if this divorce is fast and instant I will take that.
Chalk it up to a very expensive and costly lesson in life.

I cannot wait to close the Spencer chapters on my life...