Today has been a rough day.
I got 4 Christmas card in the mail addressed to "Spencer and Teagan" (probably the LAST time you will see our two names together besides divorce papers...and ouch that sure does sting to write that).
Then one of the other employees at "work" who is being perfectly nice about things tried to strike up a conversation about where my fiance was from how things were going with immigration and instead of telling the truth and saying its off. I lied.
I felt the blood pooling in my chest and face and looking straight at the ground while I mumbled something incoherent like "yes its busy this time of year and we are figuring out what to do for the holidays" ...wtf that doesn't even make any sense.
But for some reason I. could. not. tell. the. truth.
Probably for a multitude of reasons...one very good one being that it is none of that persons business.
But I'm made that I didn't just say its over. I mean after that I'm sure whoever asked would change the subject immediately.
Also, Spencer asking "to give him until today" was yesterday.
And nothing so I texted him "Any idea yet if the 28th works?" and...no response.
Am I really surprised? Well, no but still it sucks.
This whole morning all I could think about is WHY?
I still haven't had an explanation?
They short brief conversations (which I will post about).
Where shallow statements like "we've both changed" and "I'm not happy".
Really nothing concrete to end a serious relationship.
I still don't know what the heck is going on and how this changed.
You will be just as flabbergasted I'm sure. (and I PROMISE I'm getting to those blogs).
So feeling really lost right now and just completely and utterly abandoned.
Something that has also bothered me is my MOH to be (cousin Bella) must be really busy because I haven't heard from her in like 4 weeks.
I've even texted her a few times and she lives here in the same city.
Oh well it's not like I want to get into the whole mess anyway.
I'm just a little hurt.
THEN my mom just called work.
She cancelled our venue/food/catering/bar...lost that deposit (which I figured).
Then she asked me to look up the phone number for the store where I got my dress.
Did I mention I LOVE my dress. It is perfect and I love it and I'm heartbroken about what to do with/about it. I'm thinking of keeping it.
Just because as you may learn I get attached to things and fall 100% in love with them.
So while I'm not sure how much hope I have to get married in the future...I would be heartbroken if I couldn't find a dress that I liked as much as this one.
So that needs to be figured out.
And then my mom asked me to email our photographer to cancel her (she prefers email to phone anyway).
I also LOVE her ...she is the most incredible photographer ever.
The reason we had planned such a long time before our big hoopla wedding was to ensure that we got our favourite and best vendors.
I put hours of countless preparation (don't get me wrong loved every minute of it).
And now it feels like ripping out stiches one at a time with cancelling everything.
Sometimes I feel okay and sometimes I feel flung right back down into a deep dark hole.
Today I'm back to counting the minutes left at work ...176minutes left.
Today is crawling by.
Today it hurts.
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