Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Chapter X-21: The Leavers Dance*

He called to confirm tomorrow ...again.
Again my heart was pounding...only I couldn't hold back anymore.
Here is how it kind of went...from what I remember.

Him:  Hi my flight just landed I just wanted to confirm tomorrow at 12pm.
Me:  Yup nothing changed.
Him: Okay well my dad will be there and everything is in the garage.
Me:  So...was it easy to pack up my stuff (referencing the earlier conversation when he told me he wanted to see how he "felt" packing my things up...that maybe he would "feel"something).
Him:  Yup it was easy everything was basically packed already. (Guess he didn't "feel" anything).
Me:  "Oh okay...ummm I was really hoping to have a conversation because I still feel really confused."
Him: "Teagan we will talk later not now."
Me:  "I uhhh just feel really tired of waiting and I don't understand."
Him:  "Oh can you NOT understand...things have been going...we have been having problems for the last 6 months"  (this I did NOT see).
Me:  "I guess I thought we had some minor disagreements but nothing to end "us" or else I wouldn't have moved back across the world and I wouldn't have paid deposits/planned for our wedding.
Him:  "I bet you are telling everyone you "didn't see this coming"".
Me:  "I really didn't"
Him:  "You are just being a victim...I didn't like being around you anymore" (that hurt).
Me:  "I really thought despite disagreements about certain things based on what you told me and what we were doing that in the end we were there for each other and "together" or I wish you had TALKED to me about things so we could have a chance to work on things"
Him:  "How could you think that?  It obviously was going down the drain"
Me: "That's what I want to try and understand"
Him:  "Teagan we came back to this side of the world and you were this depressed person that I didn't want to be around" (that hurt more)
Me: "It was a hard time for me and I thought you would be there"
Him: "Teagan, your mom hates my family (not true), nothing was working for us"
Me:  "I don't agree which is why we need to discuss this"
Him: "I'm not discussing this now...I just wanted to confirm the time tomorrow...I'm tired I've been travelling all day and the last thing I want to deal with is you (that hurt the most)
Me: "Okay but this isn't fair and it's not fair that I am having to deal with all this negative stuff by myself and it is rather easy with you because you have no negative effects from this at all...(referring to the fact that I have to face my family, and cancel the wedding, and deal with immigration issues, and I put my career on hold for him while his life carries on as normal etc.) "you didn't even have the respect to come talk to my face you are essentially ending a marriage over the phone" 
Him: (now raising his voice):  "you think this is "easy" for me?  I didn't have TIME to come talk to your face just to end it...whatever... this is why I didn't want to get into it with you"
Me:  "Okay fine...I just feel like we need to talk and I feel like there is tons of misunderstanding that can be cleared up"
Him:  "There is nothing that needs to be cleared up you wanted me to go to the grocery store and cook the same dinner and watch the same movie as you so we could be close...that is just stupid" (he was referring to some things I looked at on line of how to make a long distance relationship easier and that was an example...I only did this because I did feel a distance between us and I was willing to do anything to make it better)
Me:  "I didn't mean that literal I was trying to make things better and stay close despite the distance"
Him: (his voice getting louder as he got more aggitated)  "I didn't want to do that...I called you but that wasn't enough for you" (he would call once a day sometimes for 5 minutes and I DID want to talk more")
Him:  (shouting) "just so you know this won't ever be cleared up Teagan"
Me: "Okay"
Him:  (still yelling) "I'll talk to you later...this is ridiculous you are being ridiculous"

Then he hung up and I sat there stunned.
I tried to call Jane then Val and just burst into tears on the phone.
It seems to all have come to this...I ruined our relationship.  I wasn't enough...and I was an awful person to be around.  I left him no choice...maybe I was given all these "chances" and I drove the relationship striaght into the ditch...this hurt worse than anything I have ever felt.  Maybe it was all me.
I'm angry at myself ...maybe he is totally could I NOT have seen this coming.
Did I make it impossible for him to love me?
Was I too open in trying to lean on him for support?
Did I demand too much?
All I know is this makes me feel like I am not good enough...and it makes me not like myself very much.

He texted a few minutes later " is not right for me to raise my voice.  I hope you feel better."

Actually I don't I feel a million times worse.

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