Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Chapter X-44: Your Cheatin' Heart*

So I know I just recently wrote of the horrid guilt I was feeling over communicating with Jacob (see here).
But for some reason I can't stop and it's getting worse.
We talk (via gmail chat which I get on my cell/computer).
One of my "excuses" is I'm bored at work and its nice to hear things like "you're incredible and beautiful and smart and sexy and" get the idea.
It's a total ego boost that I desperately need right now.
And now the talk is progressing though it follows our EXACT same pattern (see link above).
It is totally progressing to now include "I miss you"s and  "I love you"s (he said it first is my pathetic defense) and it is getting rather I find myself thinking... is he sexting?  Gross.  And you know what they say "if you have to already know." Double Ick!

So yesterday I began my Mission: Teagan's Jacob-ectomy...
which involves me asking Jacob such pain inducing real questions like...
Jacob when is your wedding? (no date set likely June-ish 2012).
Does your fiancee know we talk? (no)
Is her ring like the one we had picked out for me (solitaire princess cut plain band) or different?  (Jacob's fiance picked and designed her own).
After the onslaught of questions...Jacob requested that I don't ask any more questions along those lines.  "No more questions like that Teagan haha."  And instead of being like "why...because what we're doing is wrong?"  I simply complied (bad bad Teagan).

Then the conversation definitely took a bizarro left turn that still has my head spinning.
Well let me preface this with the fact that last week in not so many words Jacob let me know that he would really like to...kay wait Ughhhh I'm going to be totally  honest here though it is pretty mortifying.
Also disclaimer I got sick of pasting our conversations as I think most of them were pretty boring so I stopped doing that.  So instead I will just give you the rundown ...So Jacob last week let me know that he thinks we should have basically unprotected sex (I'm a huge proponent and always been "safe" ALWAYS) and  he wants to basically "let God decide" if we were to get pregnant.  YEP seriously he said that.  So this convo has totally gone from us flirting and him suggesting a racy weekend together to talk of pregnancy and babies and starting a family together.  I know it is ridiculous.  Maybe it is his passive non aggressive way to end his current relationship (weird but I can't come up with any other theory).  My response to the aforementioned suggestion was that I never really want to do the whole single parent thing thank you very much.  And his response would be I wouldn't have to.  (Hence my above theory).  So I basically brushed it off as we entered our usual pattern of conversation.

Then the conversation yesterday was even more bizarro then that!
He suggested we actively try to get pregnant.
He wants me to have his baby.
Maybe that is just some guys fantasy wanting to be dads etc...but isn't it totally weird right?
And asked if I would be willing to try to have his baby.
Seriously he said that.
How messed up is that?!
To which I passively said my only intention in starting a family or trying to start a family would be to start with a stable family framework already (as in not as an affair dude!)  To which he replied "it would be".  Which left me totally baffled.  Is he implying that if I was to get pregnant we would be together...that so does NOT sound like the start of a healthy relationship.

Finally late late last night... I get a message "hey that was crazy today I want to think about stuff and collect my thoughts for a little"  to which I was like "sounds like a good idea".

Of course by 10am today he had messaged me but we are in step one again of our communication and strictly talking about work/professional things.  He wanted my address to mail me a dvd of resources.  So so freaking weird.  And neither of us made any mention of yesterday's conversation.  My only conclusion is I have to write an email that ends this all because I know in my heart it is wrong.  Plus what if this is what happened with Spencer and me. As in what if Spencer was talking to an Ex or someone else and that is why he decided to just end our engagement/marriage suddenly.  What if I'm doing that to this girl?!  That thought makes me sick to my stomach.  I think my email needs to follow this format:

Dear Jacob,
I can't keep talking to you like this.  You have a fiancee.  I don't think you are ultimately happy or you wouldn't be talking to me and in the manner that you are.  Please sort your stuff out. 

I am sooooo wasting my time talking to Jacob.  It's not like I really think anything will happen out of this (probably would make more sense with my Jacob chapters in the ExBoyfriend project when I get there).  Do I think he has a habit of doing this? No not at all actually.  He doesn't talk to any of his Ex's except me.  (Which is actually the same for me).  It's easy because there is already a level of comfort and familiarity there.  When I talk to my friend Jane she says that I should totally call him out on this and be like "buddy I can't talk to you".  Interesting enough my friend Quinn thinks Jacob and I will end up together, she thinks this is his weird way of trying to sort everything out.  But it needs to stop...soon.  So why can't I just stop already?!  I'm frustrated at myself but obviously not enough to stop.   

1 comment:

  1. Wow, he seems like a piece of work. It seems like you already know what you want to do, it's just a matter of doing it.