Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The Spencer Chapters...
I think I'm going to start the Spencer chapters tonight.
I feel like because it is the most painful and most recent and they need to be written sooner so that I can move past it all.
Right now I feel like I just want to forget.
If I never met him that night...where would I be now?
I can't help but feel like I would be in a better place.
When I think about what all went wrong I think I know.
I was too open and too honest with him.
I thought him being my husband he was my partner for life.
Through the bad times and the good.
Guess I was wrong.
I honestly feel like if I had kept things to myself.
And learned how to walk on the eggshells correctly I might also be in a different position (ie. we would still be together and planning the wedding).
I think a huge key to it all is my family.
I mean I'm not an awful person and I love my family.
However, I am very different from them and I think seriously sometimes that I must be adopted.
I think that Spencer hated my family and it was a huge influence on how things went.
Again in the future I feel like if I'm good enough, perfect enough and walk properly (ie. learn how to walk on eggshells) then I won't be abadoned.
I feel like in the future I will not share everything with my partner.
I will keep WAY more things to myself.
I will try and keep up the "Teagan" people initially fall in love with.
And I will keep visits to the family at a minimum.
I don't even know how I will date again.
I just feel like maybe I need to not be so open (not keep secrets or be dishonest but definitely not be as open).
My number one goal in life is to be with someone who won't up and leave me (which you will see becomes a repeating trend).
I don't mean to sound desperate but I can deal with not having a lot of things in my life if I have someone in it if that makes any sense at all.
I don't mean that my partner becomes my whole life.
I think I keep a healthy balance of girlfriend time, personal time, keeping myself healthy time etc.
I'm totally social and love doing group activities too.
What it really ccomes down to it that I'm terrified of being alone forever and I'm afraid that is my fate.
Why I love One Tree Hill so much? Because I feel like they are talking directly about me sometimes. Check this out.
See what I mean. They spell out what I'm thinking about myself.
So with that...off I go to work on the Spencer Chapters.