Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Chapter X-18: Working on Chapter 6...

So I'm working on Chapter 6 and its coming along but it is longer than I thought and it is taking me a second to get it down...also my focus has been off lately...
Partially because it is almost Christmas and I am sad and annoyed and frustrated.
It is one of those situations where maybe time heals all wounds but I'm kind of over waiting for it to pass.

It is for sure like one step forward two steps back.
So here was my one step forward:  one of my co-workers asked me if my fiance was coming up for Christmas and I say "no" she says "why not" and I say "its just not working out" YEA for me for at least kind of saying something.

Then later two steps back...on one of the big bosses in front of me starts telling 2 suppliers all about my life I'm actually not just a secretary but tells them my profession and then tells them about me waiting for my Visa to go through because my future husband resides in another country etc etc etc....I had no choice...but to be like "yes doesn't my life sound good and perfect and my only issue is to wait for this time to pass" ughhhhhhh it is so darn frustrating. 

Part of me wants to just throw my work stuff in the air and be like "look my life sucks right now...I just got completely abandoned after giving up my entire life and moving half way across the world for the person I thought I would grow old with...and now I have to suck it up everyday and put a smile on my face and try to make it to the end of the day, while coming up with an alternative plan that would never have been a plan of mine in the first place and I'm exhausted and miserable"

Such is life and I hope it gets better.  Funny when the heart breaks it doesn't break "even"...someone has it better.  In this case it is Spencer.  I'm pretty sure he is having ZERO negative effects...I'm pretty sure this isn't even bothering him and this is killing me.  I said this to Taylor who of course has tons of wisdom and says "he might not be hurting he is a cold hearted snake and dismissed it all so fast that honestly, he probably isn't which says a lot about his character..." as usual she is completely right and though it dulls the pain it doesn't make it go away.  It is the most heartbroken I have ever felt.  How could I have gotten it so WRONG.  I feel like a complete failure, my life feels like I have no direction and I'm scrambling just to get my feet underneath me.  I am trying and things help like New Years, and Taylor's visit and Winterpeg trip.  That is what I need to focus on, but sometimes I find myself in this dark spiral which makes me feel like I accomplish nothing of value.  I feel like this was a total waste of a chapter with nothing learned...ugh I suck.  I wonder if some of the chapters are horrible and I just delete them later because they are boring and repetitive and whiny and fact I don't feel any better after writing this and that is a first.
what. a. waste.


  1. Okay, not even sure if you are getting all my comments since they are on older post, but I am totally obsessed with reading all of this... so please don't stop!

    Also, I don't think you took a step back by not telling the suppliers. I think that this type of news should 1)only be told when you are ready to tell it 2) doesn't need to be told to complete strangers who will never know anything. Sure, you'll have to tell your boss at some point, but he/she will understand when you do tell.

    And honestly, I am just floored by what Spencer has put you through. I could not imagine if my husband had just dumped me out of the blue when we were engaged (let alone already married!). I know that I would eventually have had to realize that I didn't know him at all & he wasn't the person that I thought he was. That is bound to be so difficult to work through. It's completely okay & normal to feel EVERYTHING you've been feeling.

  2. Hi Liz,
    I am getting your comments (so thank you thank you thank you!) I'm SO glad you are liking reading it sometimes I feel like I just write and write and when I read it I'm like oops so many typos/grammatical errors etc haha. Hopefully it will become easier to understand as it progresses.