Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

It's a Saturday night and the Emerald Eyed Girl is back.

The updates are going to keep coming I promise.
I even have some pics too.
But I wanted a real time post because I have some feelings to get out there and let go.

Yesterday Jane and her husband arrived from Kingston in time for dinner.
Eva made pizzas and other fun delishious stuff.
We had a good night of drinks and flatbread pizzas and packing for them.

Not sure if I told you but they are going on a combined honeymoon.
They started to plan this just over a year ago.
So Eva, Jane and their husbands are going to Italy and Greece for 2 weeks.

Today we all woke up.
Eva had to go into work this morning, so her husband, Jane and her husband and I went out for breakfast.
We went to this little diner.

It was great then we headed back so everyone could do last minute trip preparations.
Val came over too so soon we were all sitting on Eva's deck and just chatting and enjoying the afternoon.
Eva and Jane wanted to get pedicures so we went to a nail place.

I got a manicure instead because I just got a pedicure last week.
I got my favourite OPI colour of all time which is Italian Love Affair which is very appropriate for Jane and Eva's upcoming trip.
Val was also getting prepped for her three week trip to Hawaii and she leaves tomorrow.

I just realized I have been going into extreme detail about all these things because I'm avoiding writing about what I came onto here to specifically TO write.
Today was a rough day for me.
Because I am having severe attacks of the emerald eyed monster.

When we got home from getting our nails done we had about an hour.
So I decided to go for a run.
Because I was started to feel suffocated by the emerald eyed girl taking over.

I loaded up everyone in my car at 7pm to take two very excited newlywed couples to the airport.
And there was that feeling in the pit of my stomach.
The darn emerald eyed monster scratching a nice comfy spot to lay.

I had a lump in my throat the whole drive because I was jealous.
I have to admit it.
I'm seething with jealousy.

I want what they have.
I want someone to travel with.
I was so excited to come to Toronto.

The job is majorly stressing me out.
I am disappointed in the whole MM fiasco because we were doing so many fun things in Toronto.
And now I've dropped off my friends at the airport.

They all joked that I finally got to Toronto and they are all leaving.
Only I didn't find it so funny.
Because it is true.

It is going to be a long two weeks.
Along in a big beautiful house of Eva's.
In a house that is begging to be filled with children.

They have a partner for life and I'm alone...again.
And I didn't mean this to be a mopey woe is me thingy.
But it feels like a step back.

I've got a lump in my throat.
And I'm sitting here.
And I'm lonely.

It is sort of consuming.
I can't seem to get a foothold.
It seems always like one step forward two steps back.

I know I just need to let go of these feelings.
Of the bitterness of jealousy that leaves such an awful taste in the back of your throat.
I need to let go.

It comes down to the awful cold reality.
That I do not like to be alone, nor am I happy alone.
I can go through the motions and have a full life.
But I am so much happier as a part of a couple.
It makes me feel weak to say that.
Like I'm not "supposed" to say that.
But it is the truth.
And that sucks really bad.
So that is my admission. 

I wonder if there is such thing as a emerald eyed monster exterminator.
I would totally hire one right now.
*Sigh*

Last weekend update that I'm only getting to this weekend

This past week has been CRAZY!
Half moving to Toronto and starting the new job has been so super busy.
So last weekend I moved into Eva and her husbands place.

The same day as his birthday.
I wish I had taken way more pictures.
There was a BBQ and friends came over and it was so much fun.
Val, Quinn and her husband were there...as well as a bunch of Eva's husband's friends who we haven't seen since their wedding (here).
It was nice to catch up with them again.
AND...Eva's husband's brother was there...who happens to be like best friends with MM.
He was the one MM was playing tennis with last Sunday before he started to go MIA.
The girls were curious to see how he would act around me...but he seemed normal.
So maybe there is just no explanation about MM.
Eva's husband told me..."Teagan, you know what you do when someone doesn't like you anymore??? You don't like them back."
It is such a "boy" thing to say...as if it is that simple.
And as if I didn't read a million things into his comment...hmmm he said when someone doesn't like you anymore...does that mean he heard from his brother that MM doesn't like me anymore ...and all the other things that I read way too far into for my own good.
Sighhhh this post is not about MM (who I haven't heard from) so moving on...


We ended the evening playing Croquenole (said like CROW-ka-no...the LE is silent).
This is a SUPER duper Canadian thing.
My friends grandparents played it when they were kids.
It is a typical game found in a Canadian cottage.
Eva and her husband have two boards (that is how hardcore they are about Croquenot)


It was my first time playing and it was super fun.
We all played for hours.
The game apparently was invented in the 1860's and in Canada you can buy a board at Toys 'R Us even.
Here is a sort of description of the board rules.


It reminded me kind of like curling but on a table.
Definitely Canadiana stuff.
I think I may have to buy a board in the future.


My attempt at an Artsy iPhone pic.
The rule board pic is from here and a full description too.
Eva got her husband an iPad and boy was he super excited and it came just in time to bring it with them on their honeymoon trip to Italy and Greece.

Anywho it was a great Saturday and it didn't even feel like I had moved here.
It still doesn't really feel like I have in a way.
Sort of like I'm visiting.
It probably will only hit me when I move into my own place.
5 weeks baby!

Anywho so that was Saturday's fun.
Next up Sunday...

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Pedicured Toes

Soooo I am super way behind in postings.
But I did manage to take some photos with my super snazzy new iPhone of things.
So there will be updates...slowly.

Remember when I said that things were weird how nice everyone was being to me here?
Well after I covered for my mum on Friday she snuck me into the schedule for a pedicure.
Seriously.
I know I had to pick my jaw up off the floor also.

Like I said pigs must be flying.
Anywho here is what it looked like during...

Oh yes there is my guilty pleasure of trashy magazines and featuring my favs...Kate Middleton or rather Princess Catherine and Kim Kardashian. 

And here is my "after"
Taken in the parking lot because I almost totally forgot of an after post.
Looks kind of red but is more of a Barbie Fuscia Pink.



Oh yea and if you are wondering it is from the Texas collection.
I was feeling a little nostalgic.
It is Too Hot Pink to Hold Em.
Which again looks more red in the pic then it does in real life.


I always feel so much better when my nails are newly done.
Friday turned out to be a good day.


Pic from here

Monday, July 25, 2011

Summing things up...Efficient

Okay here is just a quick summary of the last couple of days.

Moving day Saturday...excited.
Having to replace the back tires of my vehicle before leaving and it packed to the roof...frustrating.
Side trip to a tire place with my dad so an unexpected hang out time before my big move...nice.
Driving to my next "move" alone again...reflective.
Arriving at Eva's place...happy.
Unpacking a car in this heat...sweaty.
Texting MM my new "Toronto" area code number...nerveracking.
Getting ready for Eva's husbands birthday BBQ Saturday night...girly.
Seeing Eva's husband's brother who was the last one to hang out with MM before things got weird...awkward.

Waking up Sunday morning and heading to Kingston to surprize Sophie with a baby shower with all the Waterloo girls...heartwarming.
Watching Sophie open baby gifts...adorable.
Watching Quinn and Sophie take pictures with their preggo bellies touching...beautiful.
Eating way too much food that we had all potlucked...stuffed!
Going for a walk along the lake with all the girls to try and destuff...peaceful.
Laying out my clothes Sunday night for my first day of work...anxious.
Eva making me an AMAZING lunch for Monday...appreciation.

Heading into work today for my first day...intimidating.
Getting blown off in a meeting (not with people I work with in office more of like a colleague in the area...but still)...annoying.
Cute boy coming in to do training for the front staff at my office...curious.
Thai food for lunch with the staff...yummy.
Getting to save Eva's lunch for tomorrow...awesome.
Coming "home" to cupcakes (seriously Eva is amazing) and dinner being cooked...mouthwatering.
Watching Eva and her husband be newlyweds (not like THAT! just in cute interactions)...jealousy.
Watching their newly arrived DVD of the wedding...emeraldeyed.
Judging myself in the wedding video as fat...disappointing.
Going for a walk after dinner in their cute suburby town...calming.
Still not hearing from MM at all...frustrating.
Realizing that I will likely never hear from MM...unresolved.
Catching up on blogs...comforting.
Wrapping up everything...exhausted.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Pigs are flyin'

So today was a super weird day.
But I'm going to attribute that to the fact that things are starting to turn out my way.
Or it is the cosmic pull of me exiting suckholeness and entering my new fab life in Toronto.

So first I had to do a bunch of things and realized.
I was out of contacts...crap crap crap those things are expensive and it looked like I would be in glasses for the next 4 months until my extended health care kicks in.
But what do you know daddy to the rescue with a quick lunch meetup and a quick slip of the credit card and a list of things he wanted me to take care of.

First was the contacts.
Then we went to switch my number to a TDot number and while there he upgraded my phone.
That's right I am the proud new owner of an iPhone 4.

Really weird though while at the store my dad had to go outside and take a phone call.
So I'm standing in the store and they were changing my contacts from my old Blackberry to my new iPhone and their company phone rings.
And it's...my mum.
She totally was tracking me down and since I wasn't answering my phone (the sim cards had JUST been switched and we were activating my new number) for all of 20 minutes.
She had called my dad (he was on a business call and didn't answer), then called his company who told him he was with me at the phone company so she literally tracked me down there.
It was sooooo embarrassing and the two young guys gave me a hard time for it.
So weird.
And she was finding out if I could work a shift for her tomorrow.
In exchange to get my hair done today.  So obviously I agreed.

Anywho my new phone is so pretty.
It is amazing and I'm learning how to use it...slowly of course the first thing I did was download the It's Britney app.  Here's all the features.  Every single one had me excited!

I think the best thing is shaking the phone she literally says, "it's Britney b*tch" and there are fun photo updates and messages from Britney and pretty much my personal heaven.
And I got a very Canadian cover for it too.

Its made by Roots.  And that right a maple leaf with a heart in the middle.
And it's a rubbery tough product which means it should keep my phone from getting too banged up if it has an occasional fall. 
Then he took me to the liquor store to buy Eva's husband and Jane's husband birthday gifts so I wouldn't have to take it out of my tiny funds.

Then I went to the bank and finally took the step of removing my parents off my account.
When I went to Asia I had given them power of attorney and they would remove money from my account as needed (a very very complicated story with that).
However, there were a couple of incidents (like the Mirror incident that I really need to write about) that also led me to this.
So I finally did that.
Which is a huge deal for me.

Then I went to my mum's spa to get my hair done.
Seriously here is my horrible before or during rather.


Is it a wonder I was quickly compared to Hermione in graduate school.
Well sitting between my very own Ron (my bestie Will) and Harry.
But nothing beats the after.
I love it when my hair is blown out straight.


And call me crazy but I'm convinced my straight hair makes me look skinnier.

And the weather here?!?!?! Seriously so amazing...pigs must be flying.
It was officially hotter here today then in Mumbai India!!!

And I am so freaking happy about it.
I love the heat and humidity...call me crazy but I had a smile plastered across myself feeling the warmth on my skin.

So that was my weird but somehow great day.
Hope if you had a weird day that it ended up being fabulous as well.

 

Pics from here, here, here, here,

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Tossing and Turning


I'm tossing and turning because I'm really bothered by the whole MM thing.
I was trying to fall asleep but really just trying to figure out what was it that changed.
It just was so weird.
Talking to him all last week and having him say things like...I hope you are the first person I see when I get back to Toronto and I miss you etc.


And I think I figured it out.
He played tennis on Sunday with Eva's husband's brother.
And maybe he told him about Spencer.
To be fair I don't even know if Eva's husband's brother knows.
I know the Waterloo girls know (and so maybe I should assume their husbands know then).
And maybe it is too much for him.
Considering dating someone like me...a previously pseudomarried almost divorcee with a messy past.


After all how do I expect someone to be okay with it.
When I'm not even okay with it.


Pic from here

Always the street student...


I think I'm always learning.
Though I would rather be book learning then street learning.
I am book smart and I rather agree with the fact that thing are fun when you are good at them.
I'm good at being a nerdy book student.
If I won the lottery tomorrow I would totally enrol in more school...like probably forever.

When it comes to the streets...I suck.
I can't seem to master things of street smarts.
I still hold to impossibly optimist hopefulness of every single person.
What do you mean everyone doesn't always do the right thing?
People aren't nice and the world should be fair right???

I suck at street smarts.
Which is why I think I suck so much with boys.
Which is why even though I don't want to be like this.
I have to be honest and say that my happiness is influenced by boys.
If I'm with one everything is better.
The sun is sunshinyer and everything.

I don't want to be like this.
And it is such a weird force for me.
Because its not like I don't have other things going on in my life.
I have a good career, amazing AMAZING girlfriends, and I do things to grow myself (like yoga etc).
I don't feel like I let a boy suck my life out of me and become dependent on him.
But if I'm being honest I kind of do.
I just think the world is better when you have someone to share it with.

Let's face it I feel better when I'm in a relationship (or on the way into it).
Why all this revelation?  I'm not quite sure.
I do know that today I was in Toronto doing orientation
(which was intimidating and awesome all at the same time).
And when it was done I hopefully looked at my phone to see if MM had messaged or anything (since he hadn't since we had that random messaging yesterday about talking on the phone but yea that did not happen).

So I broke down and messaged him something cool like "hey".
And we chatted a bit back and forth.
I mainly wanted to let him know I was in the area in case for some reason he may want to meet up.
He let me know he was on his way to the airport to go to NYC with a "buddy".
I mustered up my positive personality and said something like "cool that sounds like fun".
He let me know that we could talk when he got back...why does that sound so freaking ominous?
Then he let me know he would be getting back Friday.
So I'm going to be all flustered until then for a conversation that may or more likely may not happen.
For that gnawing feeling in my gutts to stop bothering me so much.
Feeling like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It is not an entirely unfamiliar feeling it also happened back in October/November last year.
The waiting.

And I can tell I'm bummed.
Which is weird because these last couple of weeks I've been happy and giddy and excited.
And it is because of MM.
Maybe I'm not ready to date.
I wish my happiness was not dependent on someone else.
And I don't know how to explain it because I recognize this but I don't know how not to be like this.
Maybe it's because I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing.


And in the spirit of being honest with myself.
Today for the first time in weeks...
I felt a twinge of pull to respond to Jacob's (still daily) message.
I didn't...yet.
Ughhh why am I adding a "yet".
And I'm so mad at myself that I feel that twinge.
Guess I have more life lessons to learn in the streets.
How annoying.
 
Pic from here

Awkward Texts

So anywho I haven't really written in a bit about MM 
(well except in brief reference here and here).
He had been away on business until this past Saturday.
But I felt so good about it because everyday he would message me and usually he would start off with "good morning gorgeous" which doesn't hurt.
I realized while he was away I missed him and I was excited to see him.

So he had been away but got home on Sat.  We tried to make it work and meet up but my appointment ran late and he had an engagement party to go to.
Also weird he had sort of invited me to the engagement party then didn't know if I would be comfortable (his words)...so I suggested we play it by ear but he NEVER brought it up again so I took it as he didn't want me there.
 
So then we were supposed to hang out Monday afternoon but that morning he sends me a text saying basically, sorry I have to rain check because my work colleagues want to have drinks after work.
I responded just "k" because I was PISSED.  I haven't seen him in two weeks and I felt bailed on.
 
Granted his last day of work is Wednesday at this office (he is switching companies)...so I'm trying to be understanding...but I'm super bothered.  
And then NO response or no effort to talk to me since.
I'm irritated.
I mean I shouldn't' be that bothered at this non serious point but I'm bothered.
As of Saturday he was suggesting I should stay with him for 6 weeks instead of commuting back and forth to Toronto (as the new place isn't ready until September)!  
I obviously have declined (4 times already) and Saturday was the last time I declined but I explained it was because I liked him and I thought it would be not quite right to do that.
 
Anywho it was all working out because I'm going to crash at Eva's place for the six weeks but still be moved to the Toronto area.
So yesterday (Tuesday) I messaged him my excitement about it.
And then maybe kind of sort of put him on the spot about if he was excited or if he still wanted to date (hey I was feeling miffed).
Before I knew it text messages were exchange with a lot of
"do you even know what we are" and "I'm confused" and me asking finally asking
Do you not want to date anymore? or am I way off? (bold or bitchy?)
And he then said, we can talk about it later on today.
Ummmm okay???

So I'm not sure how we got here and now it's just totally awkward.
And no we didn't talk about it later on yesterday.
Nor have I heard from him.
SO I"m probably wayyyyyyyy over thinking it.
Oh well but sometimes I feel like I would rather pull away now then get deeper.
Anywho we will see what happens.
 
I know I shouldn't really care.
It's not like we were super involved or have even had a first kiss.
So I will continue moving on with all the GREAT stuff that is happening in my life and pretending like it doesn't bother me at all.

But it totally does.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Peaks and Pits

Peak: Signed off on an apartment :)
Pit: It is available September 5th
Peak:  Eva is letting me crash at their place for 6 weeks.
Pit:  It's totally their newlywed home and I feel guilty.
Peak: They will be gone for 2.5 weeks on their honeymoon to Italy and Greece so maybe it won't be too much of an imposition.
Peak:  Start work on Monday.
Pit: Had a very VERY overwhelming meeting today and felt a little twinge of selfdoubt in my capabilities.
Peak:  Being closer to MM to have more time to hang out.
Pit:  He ditched me today to have drinks with his colleagues after work.  I haven't seen him in 2 weeks because he has been away in Cali for work.
Peak:  His last day at this office is Wednesday so maybe I should try to be more understanding.
Pit:  Something doesn't seem right with MM...I hope I'm not overreacting...but today he sent me a message to rain check and I just responded "K" because I was peeved.
Peak:  Maybe he is reacting to my less then enthusiastic response...why am I totally dwelling? This could be no big deal...I totally over think things and maybe should just relax.
Pit:  I have to get my butt in gear because my life is about to get started.
Peak: Got my iPod nano today in the mail and it is awesome.

Things going on today...

  • I can't figure out my annoying signature thing at the top on this specific computer and it is driving me nuts.
  • I'm clearly procrastinating from getting ready and hoping in the shower.
  • I have a meeting at noon today with the person I will officially be reporting to starting next Monday.
  • I am confirming a place to live (that isn't available until September 5th)
  • This leaves me with crashing at a friends place (optional but don't want to impose), staying with MM (I'm kidding...well he offered but that would be so awkward even if he is offering to sleep on the couch), or commuting 5 hours a day (obviously my least favourite option).
  • My new iPod comes in today woot woot!
  • I need to pack or rather unpack and repack for suitcase living for the next 7 weeks.
  • I have huge list of things to do.
  • I have a date with MM this afternoon...haven't seen him in about two weeks (he has been in Cali on business)...we chatted everyday via text...but I'm not sure if something is "off" or what or maybe it is just me reading wayyyyyyyyyyy too much into it and it's just we haven't seen each other in awhile.
  • I'm wondering if today is the day for a first kiss.
  • So much is happening all at once but at the same time not at all.
  • This limbo and waiting is about to fast forward into real life business.
  • I can't wait.




Friday, July 15, 2011

A little bit stronger...


It was a very nice surprise to end my last day of "official" work at my dad's place with flowers.
I think I am one of those people who NEVER EVER gets tired of getting flowers.
And I'm always secretly hoping to not see any carnations.
Okay I'm a total flower SNOB!
I admit it.
I loath carnations.
My fav are ranunculus and peonies...they also may be the same thing or a variety of the same thing haha.
They are the ones I got Eva (see here).
I used to love gerbera daisies but now they seem kind of juvenile now.
So I guess my effort there didn't go unnoticed.


I even managed a hug goodbye from the two receptionists.
I'm so ready to move on and do what my actual career is.
But you know what I did it.
I sucked it up for 8+ whole months.
I made it.

There were quite a few moments when I thought I couldn't.
Quite a few mornings of breaking down and bawling my eyes out in the shower wondering how I would make it through a whole day.
The huge ginormous rock I felt in my stomach.
The weight of heartbreak just felt too much to bare.
But I made it.

Not of my own accord.
I owe it to my friends and my family.
My girls dragged me through and out.
When I didn't want to keep going they wouldn't let me give up.
I have so many instances of where they probably have no idea...but they saved me.
I was in such a dark place that I really didn't think I would make it.
I used to joke around that it's too bad divorce or heartbreak didn't kill you because it would probably be easier if it did.

I felt like I was constantly swallowing broken glass.
It was the little to big things...the emails, the surprise packages in the mail (read here).
At one point I seriously thought to myself...okay if you really can't go on that's fine but it will NOT be before Eva's wedding because then she would feel like she had to do some crappy tribute memorial thing and that would be unfair to her.
So I put my mind on that...and slowly every month I got a little bit stronger.
The girls dragged me through (because there was no way I helped with it...I was a total utter wreck).

There was the weekends like here, here and here.
New Years Eve was tough but again they helped me make it through (here).
There was a visit from a friend that I desperately needed just to feel a little bit like myself again  She probably has no idea that trip was a significant turning point and for the first time I was able to forget some of the pain and to have real hope again (here, here and here).
There was the heartbreak of losing my grandfather and the decision to take a test and not attend his funeral and the pain and loneliness at the airport that nearly swallowed me (here).
There was being at Sophie's place sitting with her on her kitchen floor with wine and just letting the tears fall (here).

I'm definitely not all the way there yet but "I don't cry ever time I think about it...and it doesn't hurt quite as much".
There is a song that Quinn told me to listen to in January but it was too soon for me.
So I just listened to again for the first time today.
I usually hate country but this one...I get why Quinn thought I should hear it.


I'm on the brink of change and I'm stepping in the right direction.
I have hope now for me.
It was kind of funny that I didn't notice until I got home today.
Hidden in the greenery of the arrangement...a butterfly.

How appropriate.







Thursday, July 14, 2011

What happens when you have ZERO concept of real life...

Okay so this is how I know my little brother has ZERO concept of real life.
Remember when I told you that he had returned Saturday from his trip to Vancouver? (read here)
He did.

And what does one do when they get home???
Unpack (though I know sometimes I wait to unpack over the next few days).
But he takes it to a whole new level.

Here are his suitcases...today.
In the middle of his front entrance.
Where they will remain until his maid comes.


Yes THAT maid (read here for my annoyed story about her).
Which is either this Friday or next Friday.
Where she will UNPACK his suitcases and do the laundry etc.

My brother has no concept of real life.
It can be so utterly frustrating sometimes.
Granted I can't complain because I live here rent free.
So maybe I'm the one without a concept of real life.

All I know if it frustrates me that he does this.
And I bet that if the house keeper doesn't come until next Friday those suitcases will not move.
And hello?! clearly he has gone into them to look for like a clean unused t-shirt.

I don't get it at all.
And I'm annoyed.
And I can't wait to get my own place.


grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
xoxo Teagan

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Chapter X-54: Youtube video

So this is random.
So random.
But y’all he sent me the youtube link to his powerlifting competition from this past Sunday.
And no I'm not going to link it up here.
Of course I viewed it…I was curious.

Plus you can see like the video in your gmail email instead of having to follow a link to youtube.
So I watched it and it is just a clip video of him doing powerlifting stuff.
And he is wearing like a wrestling unitard (that’s what I call them).
And he yells and huffs and puffs and I was just a fit of giggles.

I mean seriously???
The good news is I don’t seem to “miss him” or want to contact him.
I think it is more of an (evil?) ego boost to myself.
One day I should probably be mature and figure out how to block it all from incoming.
But I'm not there...yet


My Outfit from Eva's Wedding- Blurry Pic Update

I apologize for the ridiculous graininess/bluriness of this BB photo.
The actual dress colour is better from the accessory pic below.
I famously had the same dress as someone else at the wedding (read here).
But I had fun accessories.


Yup I totally wore a fascinator.
I got the most compliments ever at a wedding.
And even a comparison or two to the fabulous Kate Middleton
(even though I don't look at all like her...it must have been the fascinator).
Also keep in mind this was shot with my other outfit update.
Not the day of the wedding so I was actually showered and had my hair all blown out and pretty.

If I get a photo from the wedding I will post it for a better idea.

I'm already thinking of how to incorporate a fascinator for Quinn and Sophie's surprize baby shower on the 24th.  (Yes that is the day before my first official day at work too.) 
If you remember Sophie is one of the 7 Waterloo girls who I visited in Winterpeg (read here) back in February. 

The hilarious (well we at least think so) is that we all told Quinn that it is Sophie's surprize baby shower since she is in Ontario for work and likely won't be around here before the baby is born.  ANDDDD we told Sophie that we are doing a surprize baby shower for Quinn so that Sophie could be around for it and played dumb like obviously she would be back again before the baby for work etc.

Will we pull off this surprize???
It has been 6 years since we had a Waterloo girls baby shower.
I'm excited...and hopefully we can pull off the surprize.
And we hope that they won't be disappointed with the double party but we didn't know how else to do it so that all 7 of us would be together.
Also knowing there personalities they will probably think its a brilliant idea.
They are not attention seekers like some of us in the group haha.

The most exciting thing is to have all 7 of us together.
That usually only happens at weddings (like Eva's in May, and Jane and Sophie's in 2010) or now for baby showers. 

We joked that we either need to keep having weddings or babies to keep us getting all together.  There is just something magical about having all 7 of us together.
For me over the last 8 years us all being together was what made me feel like I really was "home".

Now...how to incorporate a fascinator or fun hat...or should I attempt to craft one?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I believe in...Daddy's Girls

So not to be too excited because there are still too many things on edge.
Like I'm supposed to move to Toronto on Saturday but I don't have a place to move to...stress!

Then I got a bill for basically my association (which is mandatory to participate in)...after searching through my papers (didn't I just pay a couple of thousand to do this???).  I realized that the provincial one is from Aug 1-July 31st each year...therefore the scrimping and saving for a new place and other fees I was stumped how I would come up with ANOTHER ~$2200 by the 31st.

So I was upset and I told my dad...something along the lines of that I keep trying and things (well expenses) keep coming up and I'm homeless (I know I was being way over dramatic)  and I'm really really stressed.
My dad (who is my hero and does not give things with strings attached).
Said these magic words "I'll take care of it don't tell your mum."
These words have saved me in the past.
As a stronger, better independent person would refuse the gesture.
But I couldn't.
Not now...not on the brink of good things after such a crappy crappy year.

So I accepted gratefully.
Then randomly we were chatting and he said...how come you don't listen to that music player (dad talk for iPod) anymore you used to have that thing with you everywhere.
I admitted that it was one of the things Spencer had and didn't return and that it was okay I would save up for one in the future.
My dad then said...Teagan I think you've been punished enough...seriously you've been working so hard and you don't complain (clearly he doesn't read/know about the blog haha)...order one...consider it a new job gift.

And that my friends is how today I ordered a pink nano...the new kind.

How stellar are things starting to work out for this kid?
Now I just need good news on the apartment front.

I was stuck on the free engraving part of the order for awhile.
I finally decided on part of an Audrey Hepburn quote...I believe in pink (and then added my initials).
Ever see it?
I've seen it in two different parts...(from brainyquote.com)

I believe in manicures. I believe in overdressing. I believe in primping at leisure and wearing lipstick. I believe in pink. I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and... I believe in miracles.
Audrey Hepburn

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.
Audrey Hepburn

And thought that it would serve as a little inspiration when needed.
So that is how my Tuesday is totally looking up.



PS I may have called Spencer's mum last night to try and get his contact info and probably left the worst message where I sounded like I was totally going to cry ughhh...its a step though.  The bigger step will be to contact my lawyer but I thought I would try and call Spencer's parents first by phone (which I did last night).  Then Thursday by email and then just give up by then on that front.  It is terrifying though to deal with that whole issue.

PPS Jacob is still messaging me daily but don't worry I'm still ignoring it...daily :)

PPPS MM left for business trip to Cali this past Saturday so that is why you won't hear much or haven't heard much as of late but he messages me daily...and I totally respond :)  Oh yea and we are officially dating/seeing each other...whatever that means.
I love it.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Yesterdays packing break

So this whole weekend was spent packing.
For a place that I likely don't have.
The rental agent called this morning and said that someone had beaten my application in (I was waiting on my letter of employment from HR)  and they have 72 hours to sign back and if they do...I just lose the place :(
Boo because I planned on moving this weekend and clearly finding places over the internet is a bad idea.
Anywho that is a run on tangenty thing...

Yesterday with the nice weather I took a break with my dog to sit on the deck steps and read a few chapter so he could sunbath.
I can't let him sit in the backyard by himself because there are hawks or eagles or something and he kind of looks like a rabbit..
Small dogs in the area have been snatched so I don't let him there without me right beside him.
These simple moments make me smile.
Looking down at my loyal dog who has been through everything these last 7 years with me from Texas to Philadelphia to here.

It was a great afternoon break.
Now back to "work" and also fretting over a place to live...


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Realizations...

Change can be a scary thing.
This weekend I have spent time packing up my things for yet another move.
And it got me thinking...
I have moved 22 times in the last 10 years.
2 of those times were to different countries.
I have made the moves 20 of the times on my own.
As I reuse the boxes and cross out the 7th+ line of labeling I have a moment of panic.
I'm making a move again.
This time feels more grown up and less exciting.
No new country to experience, no new cultures to embrace, and an actual career type move that I would consider for longer than 1 or 2 years (which again is a new experience for me).

I have a slight feeling of apprehension...like the next step (though not seeming big) feels enormous on my heart.
I still have so much "unfinished business" like finding where the heck Spencer is to get a divorce, to continuing to ignore Jacob's persistent messages (which I'm still going strong since May 24th yea me), and to finding out where I fit/don't fit when it comes to my family.

I have a lot of fears too.
I fear the emotional and financial complexity of international divorce.
I fear the new big boys club job I've accepted...what if they don't think I'm good enough once I start.
I fear loneliness in a new city where old friends have their own lives and how will I fit it to all of that.
I fear being unhappy in Canada and the strong desire to leave the country (again).

There are also so many things to look forward to...
My own place that is just mine that I picked out on my own.
Embracing a new city.
Finding new friends and spending time with old friends.
Exploring what lays ahead for MM and me (albeit extremely slowly and cautiously and just so terrified to tell him about Spencer).
Doing it on my own and making it past my mum's 90 day expiration date of me surviving in the TDot.
Kicking butt at the career job and blowing everyone away at how my experiences all over the world make me unique and special and successful.
Finding my home.

My home isn't here in my hometown...I'm not sure it ever was.
Last night my brother came home from being away on a 10 day vacation to the west coast.
He asked me to drop him off at my parents (he can't drive...long story).
I had no plans (don't mock my Saturday day/night of packing haha) so I agreed.
TOTALLY blanking about this story HERE from the co-worker.
As I pulled up to my parents in sweats, a sports bra and a ratty t-shirt from my high school cheerleading days.
I saw all the cars outside my parents place.
My brother exclaimed..."nice! a party...I though mum and dad only had one couple over"
It was clear by the cars all up and down the circle and street there was WAYYYY more than one couple over. 
To show ya I even snapped the cell phone pic...though you can't see all the cars wrapped all the way around the rest of the street you get the idea.

I guess he maybe didn't know about it...I just shrugged and made the excuse that I was in way too awful of clothes to make an appearance.
My brother hopped out and made his way in.
And it bothered me.
It bothered me that no phone call or anything from my parents.
The fact that at work on Monday people will comment or ask me about it and I will try not to look surprised or silly for not being there.
I hate the drama of it and the fakeness that occurs with these gatherings.
The fact that my parents can be so angry at me for not sharing every little detail in my life when this is what happens.
I guess that is why a part of me is so confused.
How are people so happy that you aren't living across the world but then act like this.

I am trying to figure out a path of my life.
I had a long talk with Val about this as we drove back to Kingston.
And she, at the end of it said...Teagan, your friends are your family.  We love you so much.  We are behind you no matter what.  You can do this.  I think you will be really happy here.
I'm lucky to have my girls.
I'm lucky to have my family too...I think a lot of things just don't translate sometimes with an immigrant family...the expectations and things I learned growing up about family just isn't what my family is or ever will be.

Finally, I don't want to be alone...though I know I can survive on my own and have a good life...I just don't want to.
I want to be with someone that has the fierce loyalty, understanding of who I am and the unconditional love that my friends have for me.
I want a husband that I can trust and love with all my heart.
And most of all, I hope that one day the nagging fear of being abandoned again is silenced forever.