Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Friday, July 8, 2011

The Secrets and Lies of the Sawyer Family

Obviously I'm going to use a reality show reference...ever see High Society??? I LOVED it and it painted the exact picture of my relationship with my the T!

And in this case I would be her!

Okay I’m probably being a little over dramatic about things
(so sue me I have my period and yes I totally just used that over dramatic excuse).
So to say my fam isn’t the closest isn’t an exaggeration.

So here are the fun things that have happened lately.
I also need to do a post on the whole wedding mirror story…which will come out in a post with pictures I promise!

So remember the fun pick up from my Ottawa/Kingston/Toronto weekend trip when my parents picked me up from the train station (its here if you don’t remember).

Anywho so basically I don’t talk to my parents about stuff mainly because of the following:
#1: they have the most pessimistic negative outlook ever of any situation
#2: what they want me to do (live in my hometown) and what I want to do (live pretty much as far away from my hometown as possible given the circumstances) does not mesh at all
#3: my mum’s words cut like a Griffindor Sword (sorry my obsession of HP is leaking into posts)…the only way that could get nerdier would be if I referenced how its laced with Basilik venom or something like that
#4:  everything they do comes with strings attached
#5:  they like to rub salt in wounds…especially when things work out “just as they thought” and maybe I should listen to them for once so I wouldn’t “continuously fail

So…I avoid discussing things with them.
For example, I would NEVER ever tell them I’m dating again.
I would never talk about MM to them.
Because I have not suffered/been punished enough from the Spencer situation.
I need to learn my lesson and be by myself because “Teagan be by yourself because it will be very difficult for you to find someone to want to stay with you”…(told you those words cut deep).

So I keep to myself.
I steadily scrimp and save and make my plans slowly but surely to move away.
I have found a job (and hopefully a place to live) all on my own.
I’m leaving the toxic environment that is my hometown.

When I signed the contract two days ago I called my mum to tell her.
Her response “You didn’t tell us you got a job”
Me bitting my tongue… “that’s why I’m calling you mum to tell you that”
Her response “where?  In Toronto?”
Me “yes”
Her “well we’ll see what happens…” (she told me before she gives me 90 days before everything crumbling and my eventual return to my hometown).
“Okay I just thought I would tell you.”
You see the few times I try to reach out its like getting bit by a rattlesnack.
Remember the yoga classes fiasco (read here)???
So I will keep to myself but…

I wonder where I learned it from.

Yesterday one of my dad’s employees came to the front reception and said “your dad’s car is so cool”
This left me puzzled…you see I currently drive my dad’s car because my dad drives my brother’s (who can’t legally drive at the moment).
So I just kind of nodded.
Then it comes out 2 MONTHS ago my dad bought a vintage car to restore.
I heard it from a random employee…awesome.

Also this week…with the move upcoming I currently have a double size mattress.
I’ve been wanting to upgrade to a queen because all the linens I have are Queen sized from when I lived in the US.
My parent had a bed frame with no mattress that was double sized.
So I told my dad for the past two months…don’t buy a new mattress you can have this one and I will buy a Queen mattress...not going to lie I also secretly hoped they would contribute to the mattress purchase...seeing as they furnished my brothers ENTIRE three bedroom house!

Yesterday my dad left work to go pick up a new double size mattress from a store.
I was bewildered…seriously??? When I asked my dad he said he just forgot.
Then he said they were having people over so they needed the mattress.
Ummm I’m a week away from moving to Toronto…seriously I would have slept on my air mattress instead.  When I asked them who was coming over…he didn’t want to answer  (weirdness all around)…and if it’s a big party or something clearly I wasn’t invited…which wouldn’t be the first one I wasn’t invited to and then found out about later from my cousins etc.

He called my mum who then spoke to me and said “well Teagan if you insist on keeping secrets from me then I what do you expect.  If it has to do with the house then you should talk to me.”  Ummm okay I thought my parents communicated and I work with my dad daily which is why I told wasn't some conspiracy to keep her out of the loop.  And really I WAS NOT KEEPING SOME BIG MATTRESS SECRET!!!! I WAS TRYING TO BE HELPFUL!  I wanted to shout this but I’ve learned a long time ago that sometimes it’s easier to keep my mouth shut.

It makes me angry though.
That I’m accused of not talking to them (which I’ve tried to explain is because it is instantly met with puts downs and negatives…I have started conversations before with “please just let me tell you something and if you don’t have something nice to say just don’t say anything”…but it doesn’t work) is frustrating.
And they do the EXACT.SAME.THING. so why is it such a big deal.

The truth is I’m not happy with how things are with my family’s relationship but I’m not sure I can change that.
I feel more love and comfort from my girls as my “family”…I feel “good enough” around the girls.
I had hoped with Spencer that I had found my “family” too but I didn’t.
I hope to one day find that with someone…someone that will stick by me and be by my side..clearly with Jacob and Spencer I have abandonment issues.

This move to Toronto could not come soon enough.


  1. That sucks big balls. There's no other way to say it. When you're out of town it will be a lot better - you'll be away from all that craziness. So happy for you!!

  2. @PinkSunDrops- Thanks I'm happy too! Can't wait to get out of's been a long time coming that's for sure. xo