Friday, July 15, 2011
A little bit stronger...
It was a very nice surprise to end my last day of "official" work at my dad's place with flowers.
I think I am one of those people who NEVER EVER gets tired of getting flowers.
And I'm always secretly hoping to not see any carnations.
Okay I'm a total flower SNOB!
I admit it.
I loath carnations.
My fav are ranunculus and peonies...they also may be the same thing or a variety of the same thing haha.
They are the ones I got Eva (see here).
I used to love gerbera daisies but now they seem kind of juvenile now.
So I guess my effort there didn't go unnoticed.
I even managed a hug goodbye from the two receptionists.
I'm so ready to move on and do what my actual career is.
But you know what I did it.
I sucked it up for 8+ whole months.
I made it.
There were quite a few moments when I thought I couldn't.
Quite a few mornings of breaking down and bawling my eyes out in the shower wondering how I would make it through a whole day.
The huge ginormous rock I felt in my stomach.
The weight of heartbreak just felt too much to bare.
But I made it.
Not of my own accord.
I owe it to my friends and my family.
My girls dragged me through and out.
When I didn't want to keep going they wouldn't let me give up.
I have so many instances of where they probably have no idea...but they saved me.
I was in such a dark place that I really didn't think I would make it.
I used to joke around that it's too bad divorce or heartbreak didn't kill you because it would probably be easier if it did.
I felt like I was constantly swallowing broken glass.
It was the little to big things...the emails, the surprise packages in the mail (read here).
At one point I seriously thought to myself...okay if you really can't go on that's fine but it will NOT be before Eva's wedding because then she would feel like she had to do some crappy tribute memorial thing and that would be unfair to her.
So I put my mind on that...and slowly every month I got a little bit stronger.
The girls dragged me through (because there was no way I helped with it...I was a total utter wreck).
New Years Eve was tough but again they helped me make it through (here).
There was a visit from a friend that I desperately needed just to feel a little bit like myself again She probably has no idea that trip was a significant turning point and for the first time I was able to forget some of the pain and to have real hope again (here, here and here).
There was the heartbreak of losing my grandfather and the decision to take a test and not attend his funeral and the pain and loneliness at the airport that nearly swallowed me (here).
There was being at Sophie's place sitting with her on her kitchen floor with wine and just letting the tears fall (here).
I'm definitely not all the way there yet but "I don't cry ever time I think about it...and it doesn't hurt quite as much".
There is a song that Quinn told me to listen to in January but it was too soon for me.
So I just listened to again for the first time today.
I usually hate country but this one...I get why Quinn thought I should hear it.
I'm on the brink of change and I'm stepping in the right direction.
I have hope now for me.
It was kind of funny that I didn't notice until I got home today.
Hidden in the greenery of the arrangement...a butterfly.