then it all came crashing in as I remembered yesterdays conversation.
Looking back I should have been pretty happy.
I had a new outfit for the first day (though it was Catholic school they were trying out a new non-uniform policy). Had a fresh manicure and pedicure (pink polish of course). My new backpack was stocked with new school supplies (my fav thing to do was get all my supplies ready the night before).
I was Captain of the Varsity Cheerleading team and excited for tryouts that would be that week and our goals for my final year.
I was tougher and stronger and happier (before the breakup which had me bummed) then I really had ever been.
This year was all about possibilities.
This is the year I would apply to University and finally get going with my life plan.
I drove to pick up Cammy for that first day ...top down on my red Jeep, cute sunglasses on, listening to some great music (likely at that time Genie in a Bottle by Christina Aguillera).
We pulled up to the school and I should have felt good but I was upset.
Cammy was like "this is going to be a great year...who cares what he did. He so wasn't worth it."
I remember being slightly puzzled and was like "woa Cammy I didn't realize you hated him that much"
Cammy replied, "trust me he is a total asshole and you're better off without him."
That was a little harsh I thought but I shrugged it off hopped out of my Jeep and we headed up the stairs to the main entrance.
It was definitely a HUGE difference this year.
I wasn't popular or hung out in the rotunda with the cool kids.
But I had my little core group.
I was a leader on the Cheerleading team for sure and it was almost like a sisterhood in itself.
I was definitely the most secure I had ever been on a first day of school (minus the embarrassment of being dumped the day before).
Walking past Jaimilyn and her friends they were chatting and snickering about me as we walked by.
We could hear snippets of "nice outfit...guess Nathan finally got bored...what did he ever seen in her...I wonder if she knows...another year another girl" the usual mean girl stuff.
I turned a slight shade of red, Cammy glared at them as we quickly walked past them and to meet the rest of our girls.
Really other than that the day was pretty uneventful.
I remember talking to a couple of the girls from the team about it and they were like well if he wants to have coffee with you its a good sign. And some tried to be reassuring..."as soon as he sees how not that great the college girls are he will come running back" and just trying to be supportive.
We had tryouts that week and we got to help select the team with our coach Pete.
We had a strong team of 24 for Varsity and 22 for Junior Varsity.
It was set to be a great year.
That weekend I had already organized a sleepover bonding session at my place for the Varsity members.
Then Nathan called to organize a coffee date.
We made it for after my first official Varsity team practice.
I remember showering and talking to the girls as I was getting ready... after all I was prepared I had a letter.
Oh it was the quintessential high school move...write him a letter.
All the girls on the team read it and changes were made until it was met with majority approval.
The note in question went something like this,
I'm so sad without you.
Here are all the reasons we should be together.
So really I can't think of any reasons to not be together.
It is our differences in groups (ie. popular versus none) that made us special.
Lets try and make this work.
Please take me back.
your desperate high school girlfriend.
So I was all prepared I had the note in my purse and left to meet him.
I was shaking and could hear my heart pounding in my chest (generally a given for me).
He kissed me on the cheek, we grabbed coffees (or in my case a Vanilla Latte) and we started with plain idle chatter.
I remember thinking he looked so cute in a polo shirt and jeans.
I remember thinking he looked nice and tan.
But I also remember sort of tuning him out as he went on and on about how great college was and all I could think about was the note in my pocket.
After our idle chit chat he said "Teagan you are looking really great...no like really really good".
I remember looking at him as he said this and thinking ...he sounds... totally insincere.
He kept asking about the popular girls and I kept responding with "I don't really talk to them because those were really more your friends" but he kept asking about them...which was weird. Then I kept listening to what he was saying and it was coming across as shallow and insincere and arrogant.
And for the first time in my life (when it came to a boy) I thought...I don't want this...I don't want to be with him. I thought to myself if I give him this note he could totally show everyone just how badly I wanted to be with him (read hello desperate girl) and that thought also kept that note firmly in my purse. I could feel myself realizing all these things and a grin started to appear on my face. I remember starting to respond with a lot of dismissive "mmmhmmms" and bored sounding "cool"s and it was as if Nathan was skirting around different topics and waiting for me to
So after about a half hour...I interrupted him and shocked myself by saying, "Nathan its been super fun catching up but I have something to get to."
He looked at me stunned..."uhhh okay...let's stay in touch though"...I said "k" as I stood up from the table.
We hugged and I practically skipped to my car.
With the music blaring I drove straight to Cammy's house.
She came out her front door and was like "how did it go?"
I just triumphantly thrust the note in the air and said "Nathan totally doesn't deserve me or this note."
Cammy shrieked in delight clapped her hands together and ran over hopped in the car and we went to go get ice cream. I had no idea how MUCH he didn't deserve me. But I would find out eventually.
To be continued...