And it's totally embarrassing to actually admit right now.
But I'm so completely green with envy everywhere I look.
I know that is certainly not becoming of a lady.
I don't want to be that way.
I want to be gracious and lovely and be thankful for what I have except right now I'm not any of those things.
This month I have a bridal shower and baby shower to attend.
Next month it is two bachelorette parties (one is Eva's) and in May it is Eva's wedding (which I still have no idea how I'm going to get through). You see Eva and I are two peas in a pod...therefore of all the girls our weddings were set to be practically identical.
Don't get me wrong...I LOVE my friends...and I want them to have what they have and I genuinely am happy for them.
But I'm also so super jealous I can practically taste the green.
It doesn't stop me from pouring over my fav blogs that have (coincidentally quite a few with wedding ticker counter down thingys) people like me except they are still counting down until their wedding.
I'm jealous of what they have and what they are getting to experience.
Especially when it comes to the wedding stuff because (insert a super whiny voice) that was supposed to be ME! I can't get rid of the feeling of wanting to stomp on the floor and have a complete temper tantrum.
No this is NOT how it was supposed to go.
I'm supposed to get these things.
I'm supposed to be the one still excited and happy and in love with my fiance/husband.
But I'm not and it makes me angry and bitter and awful.
I'm totally bummed.
Today I got in this huge panic and thought maybe I should just not go to any of these events.
Which is sort of plausible for the first bridal shower and baby shower...but not really plausible for Eva's stuff (her bachelorette party and wedding). I practically feel my chest tighten up and tears come to my eyes when I think of sitting through these events. It seems like it will be total torture. It's already torture getting cute invitations in the mail, evites, wedding websites with these great stories of how we met and how he proposed and how I knew he was the one and life leads you exactly where you are supposed to be...over and over again like smack down smack down smack down. I will think of Spencer and me and what we were supposed to have. I want to completely throw up. I want to be in their shoes desparately with someone who will be by my side forever and not just abandon me (which has now happened twice). It is like every.single.thing is a slap in the face mocking me...and a voice taunting me...look what you ALMOST had Teagan...this f*ckign sucks so bad.
I love how honest you are girl. I get the emerald eyed look every once in awhile, too. The only thing that keeps me from it is being SO happy for THEM and looking around and, this is really sad but it does help, thinking how others would want MY life. Seriously, you might not think you do, but you are GORGEOUS, you are a DOCTOR, you live in beautiful CANADA, and you have AMAZING girlfriends. A lot of girls would be emerald eyed girl over YOU. Not sure if that helps or not, but I hear you.
ReplyDeletePS Love the new moniker of emerald eyed girl instead of green-eyed.
@pinksundrops...it does TOTALLY help. I think sometimes I'm really like "good" (ie. when I got Eva's wedding invite in the mail this week I sent her an email about how great they look and how I'm excited for her special day) about things but sometimes I totally want to have a terrible tantrum. I do think I need to do a lot more work in appreciating what I do have but sometimes I just give up!
ReplyDeletestay strong!! You're going to have everything you deserve and more when the time is right. The climb out of this craptastic hole is going to be a tough one, but you're going to look back soon enough and realize how far you come and be blogging about how happy you are!!! Nobody gets ultimate happiness without having some terrible times. Whenever I'm in a rough place and I look at how happy my friends are- I def get jealous, but it helps to think that they (most of them) worked through those crappy flavored life instances to get there too!
ReplyDeleteI read www.holliesquotes.com 's quote of the day everyday and today's seems to be written for you!
ReplyDeleteQuote of the Day
March 2, 2011
Success is not final, failure is not fatal. It is the courage to continue that counts.
-Winston Churchill
ghha, ok after this one I'm done- but this one's for you too!
ReplyDeleteDont throw yourself out on another’s whim. People change, as do intentions and as a result, consequences. Live for yourself - Love those around you, but realize that they’ve got their own agendas. -Alex Gaskart
@Thisisme-everything you said is PERFECT and so so darn helpful! I love quotes (I've never read those ones before...so good!) and those certainly hit the nail on the head. I have to have faith in just continuing on...all of you tell me it gets better haha so I'm trying to believe y'all.
ReplyDelete