Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Chapter X-37: the TMI conversation

Tue, Jan 18, 2011 Part Two
* Warning in the interest of being totally open and honest this post may be TMI as in way wayyyy too much information but hey how can I figure stuff out without being totally open

Soooo same day just less than a half hour later our converation continued...

5:59 PM Jacob: zuzu
9 minutes
6:08 PM me: ?
25 minutes
6:33 PM Jacob: hey
30 minutes
7:04 PM me: Hey what's up?
  I'm cooking :)
7:07 PM Jacob: hi what did u tell her abt seeing me

He's refering to Taylor...again

7:08 PM me: Just that it had come up in conversation
7:09 PM And it kind of brought about syracuse etc
  Did you tell your friends about meeting up?
 Jacob: no
  why syracuse bc of last time
7:10 PM me: Yes
  Didn't you tell them
7:12 PM Jacob: i dont see them regularly everyone is in their own little world

Clearly he doesn't share everything with his best friends like I do haha.

7:13 PM me: Ohhh I see
 Jacob: what were u thinking abt meeting
 me: What were you
7:14 PM You kinda brought it up
 Jacob: just curious
 me: Me too
 Jacob: ?
7:15 PM me: I'm curious also
  So what were you thinking?
 Jacob: not sure thoughts?
 me: Not sure?
7:16 PM Jacob: u want to see me?
7:17 PM me: I said that before
  Do you want to see me?
 Jacob: i would like to
 me: Me too
7:18 PM Jacob: any ideas
7:19 PM me: What do you mean?
  Like when and where?
 Jacob: yeah
 me: Ummm well I'm in calgary and winnipeg in feb
7:20 PM Jacob: k
 me: What are you thinking?
7:21 PM Jacob: do u want to do a seminar or just hang out
7:22 PM me: I'm open for suggestions cal and winnipeg would be more hang out
 Jacob: i was thinking USA
7:24 PM me: hmmm we will have to see how to make it work but I have a hold on my passport right now bc of the fiance visa had been filed and then I pulled it so I cant travel to usa until I get the ok
  What about toronto?
  Or niagara?
7:28 PM Jacob: maybe
 me: ?
7:30 PM Jacob: maybe NY/Canada
 me: K sounds good

OMG are we actually talking of meeting up?!

7:33 PM Jacob: how would u feel seeing me in person
7:35 PM me: I'm not sure
  How about you?
7:36 PM Jacob: me either
 me: Hmmm
 Jacob: lol
  or good

so he would feel good...that is incouraging

 me: Haha
 Jacob: or great

now THAT is a boost to the ego...he would feel great about seeing me in person

7:37 PM me: I'm going to go with great haha
  May as well think positive
7:39 PM Jacob: lol
7:40 PM me: Seems like a long time and a short time ago u know
7:41 PM Jacob: yep, did u like seeing me in syracuse
 me: Of course I did
  Did you?
7:43 PM Jacob: yeah

*warning here is where it is about to get TMI
7:44 PM me: What did you like about it?
7:45 PM Jacob: what do u think

Did he just mean the fact that we were "intimate" and PS it was incredible

 me: Just that
7:46 PM ?
 Jacob: no
  the connection and feeling w it

wow so at least it was just about the physical I kind of just sat back for a second at my computer.  I was about to be WAY too honest with him.

7:48 PM me: Yes I loved the whole went way too fast...just to share a meal together and all the little things...the feelings etc...felt right felt like everything "fit"
7:49 PM Jacob: :)
7:51 PM Jacob: did u like being together
7:52 PM me: Yes
  Did you?
 Jacob: of course
7:53 PM me: Its like a connection that I can't explain

I am totally entering wrong bad territory with this conversation...

7:54 PM Jacob: zuzu
 me: ?
 Jacob: just wanted to say that ;)
 me: Oh I see ;)
7:56 PM Jacob: :)
 me: :D
7:57 PM Jacob: lol
 me: I'm so full now
  I made a great dinner
  Now I'm sleepy
7:59 PM Jacob: haha
8:00 PM me: Just snuggling with my dog
8:01 PM Jacob: did yr parents know we were together then
 me: When?
 Jacob: in syracuse
8:02 PM me: They knew we were talking a lot again but I didn't give them specifics about syracuse
  Did your parents know about syracuse?
 Jacob: did they know we met up then
8:03 PM me: Yes but like not specifically syracuse or dates etc
  Did yours?
8:04 PM Jacob: they knew we saw each other
 me: What did they think?
8:05 PM Jacob: they knew when met up over night in syracuse last april
 me: What did they think about that?
 Jacob: did they know, mine didnt

Huh I'm so confused? I thought he JUST said they knew we met up?

8:07 PM u had on yr gray dress with yr pink belt tie
 me: I did
  Good memory
  You wore your favourite sneakers haha

OMG he actually remembered what I wore and all I could come up with his sneakers (because I hated them from before haha they really were awful)

8:08 PM Your didn't know what?
8:09 PM Jacob: i went to see u for the night
 me: Oh they didn't know or they did know?
 Jacob: didnt
 me: Oh
  Did they know we were talking?
 Jacob: didnt u say u were w friends
8:10 PM me: Yup
8:12 PM Jacob: i wish i didnt sleep that night
8:13 PM me: Me too!
 Jacob: lol
8:15 PM me: You were sleepy that night :(
8:16 PM Jacob: i would of prefered to stay together for the whole time
 me: ?
8:17 PM Jacob: intimate
8:18 PM me: :B
  Tried to do a blushing face
 Jacob: why
 me: Cause that makes me blush
  Thinking about it
8:19 PM Its different with you
8:20 PM Jacob: the only thing that would or make it better is...(okay I can't be honest with this sorry folks I'm editing).
8:22 PM me: It was more than just physical for me
 Jacob: me too but that would have been more connecting
  dont u think
 me: we didnt
8:23 PM Jacob: i know i always wanted u to have me like that (so SO sorry for the TMI...really)
 me: Yes but I wanted it all
8:24 PM Jacob: i know i did too
 me: The relationship too
8:25 PM Jacob: i know i did too
 me: :(
8:26 PM Jacob: ?
 me: Just that it didn't happen that way
8:27 PM Jacob: i know
 me: Hmmmmm
8:28 PM Jacob: ?
8:31 PM me: Just thinking
 Jacob: k
11 minutes
8:43 PM me: Sooo
 Jacob: u were thinking?
8:44 PM me: Haha you're right
  Thinking/dreaming/fantasizing same difference
8:45 PM Jacob: abt what
8:46 PM me: Take a wild guess haha
 Jacob: ?
8:47 PM me: About us
 Jacob: what exactly
 me: I have to keep some secrets
 Jacob: >
8:48 PM ?
 me: Just thinking ;)
 Jacob: ?
8:49 PM me: If you hadn't have fallen asleep
 Jacob: ?
8:50 PM me: Hey you should have stayed awake and found out ;)
 Jacob: lol
  k getting ready for bed
 me: That sounds good haha
8:51 PM Jacob: bye
 me: Talk to ya later

It's settled I'm an awful awful person.
Who does this?!
I feel so unsettled.
When I was with Spencer I didn't even have an interest in talking to Jacob.
But now...I'm abadoned and alone and feel worthless.
Really nothing is resolved from Spencer (and it never will be)...he put me out like he did my things...just like yesterday's trash.
I'm clearly not "over" Spencer...I'm still quite devastated by the whole thing but what it comes down to is while I'm talking to Jacob it is a distraction. 
And for a few minutes I can forget about Spencer. 
I can feel like someone thinks I'm beautiful and loved our time together.
Clearly Spencer doesn't think these things :(
But really nothing will come of Jacob and I.
Let's face it Jacob has never really gone out of his way to make any kind of grand gesture.
Now our conversations go between flirting, boring conversation, inappropriate conversation, defensiveness, compliments and just plain wrong.
I wish I was strong enough at this point to just stop talking to him but I have nothing better right now.  That may be pathetic but I'm not sure I will be able to let him go (as in put my foot down and ignore him and not talk to him) until I am with someone else.
And THAT is very embarrasing to admit.

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