* Warning in the interest of being totally open and honest this post may be TMI as in way wayyyy too much information but hey how can I figure stuff out without being totally open
Soooo same day just less than a half hour later our converation continued...
5:59 PM Jacob: zuzu
9 minutes
6:08 PM me: ?
25 minutes
6:33 PM Jacob: hey
30 minutes
7:04 PM me: Hey what's up?
I'm cooking :)
7:07 PM Jacob: hi what did u tell her abt seeing me
He's refering to Taylor...again
7:08 PM me: Just that it had come up in conversation
7:09 PM And it kind of brought about syracuse etc
Did you tell your friends about meeting up?
Jacob: no
why syracuse bc of last time
7:10 PM me: Yes
Why?
Didn't you tell them
7:12 PM Jacob: i dont see them regularly everyone is in their own little world
Clearly he doesn't share everything with his best friends like I do haha.
7:13 PM me: Ohhh I see
Jacob: what were u thinking abt meeting
me: What were you
7:14 PM You kinda brought it up
Jacob: just curious
me: Me too
Jacob: ?
7:15 PM me: I'm curious also
So what were you thinking?
Jacob: not sure thoughts?
me: Not sure?
7:16 PM Jacob: u want to see me?
7:17 PM me: I said that before
Do you want to see me?
Jacob: i would like to
me: Me too
7:18 PM Jacob: any ideas
7:19 PM me: What do you mean?
Like when and where?
Jacob: yeah
me: Ummm well I'm in calgary and winnipeg in feb
7:20 PM Jacob: k
me: What are you thinking?
7:21 PM Jacob: do u want to do a seminar or just hang out
7:22 PM me: I'm open for suggestions cal and winnipeg would be more hang out
Jacob: i was thinking USA
7:24 PM me: hmmm we will have to see how to make it work but I have a hold on my passport right now bc of the fiance visa had been filed and then I pulled it so I cant travel to usa until I get the ok
What about toronto?
Or niagara?
7:28 PM Jacob: maybe
me: ?
7:30 PM Jacob: maybe NY/Canada
border
me: K sounds good
OMG are we actually talking of meeting up?!
7:33 PM Jacob: how would u feel seeing me in person
7:35 PM me: I'm not sure
How about you?
7:36 PM Jacob: me either
me: Hmmm
Jacob: lol
or good
so he would feel good...that is incouraging
me: Haha
Jacob: or great
now THAT is a boost to the ego...he would feel great about seeing me in person
7:37 PM me: I'm going to go with great haha
May as well think positive
7:39 PM Jacob: lol
7:40 PM me: Seems like a long time and a short time ago u know
7:41 PM Jacob: yep, did u like seeing me in syracuse
me: Of course I did
Did you?
7:43 PM Jacob: yeah
*warning here is where it is about to get TMI
7:44 PM me: What did you like about it?
7:45 PM Jacob: what do u think
Did he just mean the fact that we were "intimate" and PS it was incredible
me: Just that
7:46 PM ?
Jacob: no
the connection and feeling w it
u?
wow so at least it was just about the physical stuff...wow I kind of just sat back for a second at my computer. I was about to be WAY too honest with him.
7:48 PM me: Yes I loved the whole thing...it went way too fast...just to share a meal together and all the little things...the feelings etc...felt right felt like everything "fit"
7:49 PM Jacob: :)
7:51 PM Jacob: did u like being together
7:52 PM me: Yes
Did you?
Jacob: of course
7:53 PM me: Its like a connection that I can't explain
I am totally entering wrong bad territory with this conversation...
7:54 PM Jacob: zuzu
me: ?
Jacob: just wanted to say that ;)
me: Oh I see ;)
7:56 PM Jacob: :)
me: :D
7:57 PM Jacob: lol
me: I'm so full now
I made a great dinner
Now I'm sleepy
7:59 PM Jacob: haha
8:00 PM me: Just snuggling with my dog
8:01 PM Jacob: did yr parents know we were together then
me: When?
Jacob: in syracuse
8:02 PM me: They knew we were talking a lot again but I didn't give them specifics about syracuse
Did your parents know about syracuse?
Jacob: did they know we met up then
8:03 PM me: Yes but like not specifically syracuse or dates etc
Did yours?
8:04 PM Jacob: they knew we saw each other
me: What did they think?
8:05 PM Jacob: they knew when met up over night in syracuse last april
me: What did they think about that?
Jacob: did they know, mine didnt
Huh I'm so confused? I thought he JUST said they knew we met up?
8:07 PM u had on yr gray dress with yr pink belt tie
me: I did
Good memory
You wore your favourite sneakers haha
OMG he actually remembered what I wore and all I could come up with his sneakers (because I hated them from before haha they really were awful)
8:08 PM Your didn't know what?
8:09 PM Jacob: i went to see u for the night
me: Oh they didn't know or they did know?
Jacob: didnt
me: Oh
Did they know we were talking?
Jacob: didnt u say u were w friends
yeah
8:10 PM me: Yup
8:12 PM Jacob: i wish i didnt sleep that night
8:13 PM me: Me too!
Haha
Jacob: lol
8:15 PM me: You were sleepy that night :(
8:16 PM Jacob: i would of prefered to stay together for the whole time
me: ?
8:17 PM Jacob: intimate
8:18 PM me: :B
Tried to do a blushing face
Jacob: why
me: Cause that makes me blush
Thinking about it
8:19 PM Its different with you
8:20 PM Jacob: the only thing that would or make it better is...(okay I can't be honest with this sorry folks I'm editing).
8:22 PM me: It was more than just physical for me
Jacob: me too but that would have been more connecting
dont u think
me: we didnt
8:23 PM Jacob: i know i always wanted u to have me like that (so SO sorry for the TMI...really)
me: Yes but I wanted it all
8:24 PM Jacob: i know i did too
me: The relationship too
8:25 PM Jacob: i know i did too
me: :(
8:26 PM Jacob: ?
me: Just that it didn't happen that way
8:27 PM Jacob: i know
me: Hmmmmm
8:28 PM Jacob: ?
8:31 PM me: Just thinking
Jacob: k
11 minutes
8:43 PM me: Sooo
Jacob: u were thinking?
8:44 PM me: Haha you're right
Thinking/dreaming/fantasizing same difference
8:45 PM Jacob: abt what
8:46 PM me: Take a wild guess haha
Jacob: ?
8:47 PM me: About us
Jacob: what exactly
me: I have to keep some secrets
Haha
Jacob: >
8:48 PM ?
me: Just thinking ;)
Jacob: ?
8:49 PM me: If you hadn't have fallen asleep
Jacob: ?
8:50 PM me: Hey you should have stayed awake and found out ;)
Jacob: lol
k getting ready for bed
me: That sounds good haha
8:51 PM Jacob: bye
me: Talk to ya later
It's settled I'm an awful awful person.
Who does this?!
I feel so unsettled.
When I was with Spencer I didn't even have an interest in talking to Jacob.
But now...I'm abadoned and alone and feel worthless.
Really nothing is resolved from Spencer (and it never will be)...he put me out like he did my things...just like yesterday's trash.
I'm clearly not "over" Spencer...I'm still quite devastated by the whole thing but what it comes down to is while I'm talking to Jacob it is a distraction.
And for a few minutes I can forget about Spencer.
I can feel like someone thinks I'm beautiful and loved our time together.
Clearly Spencer doesn't think these things :(
But really nothing will come of Jacob and I.
Let's face it Jacob has never really gone out of his way to make any kind of grand gesture.
Now our conversations go between flirting, boring conversation, inappropriate conversation, defensiveness, compliments and just plain wrong.
I wish I was strong enough at this point to just stop talking to him but I have nothing better right now. That may be pathetic but I'm not sure I will be able to let him go (as in put my foot down and ignore him and not talk to him) until I am with someone else.
And THAT is very embarrasing to admit.
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