December 6th, 2010
Sooo I slept TERRIBLY last night. Absolutely horrible which is par for the course when I'm expecting a call/conversation with PH. We are supposed to talk today.
At least I didn't have any wacked out dreams...but woke up just exhausted.
I am clearly still on a roller coaster of emotions.
Yesterday I just holed myself up on the coach after wrapping Christmas gifts...and I thought I was doing okay until I talked to J and V...and proceeded to bawl my eyes out on the phone.
Which was a total surprise to me because I thought I was pulling it together.
I feel like I wish I could fast forward the next 6 months.
And can I just say that I think Christmas is like the most couple-y time of the year ever (well besides Valentine's Day!) I wish I could just skip it!
It is so weird talking to my girlfriends who understand (and are the best support I could ever imagine)...that it will take time for me to get past this.
That I should spend some time alone growing and healing...but here is the thing.
I LOVE being in a relationship I hate the "new" parts of relationships I don't like the butterflies and nervousness and first dates.
I don't like to be alone (granted I know that should tell me something)...but its NOT that I don't like myself/value myself/spend time with friends/my own interests. I just LOVE having someone else in my life.
I love intimacy (with a monogamous committed relationship).
I love cuddling.
I love doing things for the other person.
I want to be with someone... I like myself better when I'm with someone.
I really don't think it is a case where I need to love myself by myself first.
I just need to find someone who loves me and doesn't just run away...especially after making a commitment.
Probably what hurts so bad with PH is that THIS is the amount of work he was willing to put into a marriage...this is what he is content walking away from with this much effort (which feels like none at this point).
Talking to Taylor about it she (and I agree) thinks I should only talk to him about getting my things back...because he isn't able to handle accomplishing anything whatsoever at this point.
So I guess I should explain when I moved home from Asia we shipped all my things to his state.
So he has many things of mine there...including things like diplomas/reference textbooks that I need etc.
So I need him to ship them here because I can't currently travel there.
Not sure if he will agree to that (but there is no value in him keeping my things at all...he doesn't want to be with me so there is no benefit for him to keep things).
Also, not sure who will pay for it but I'm thousands of dollars in the hole due to paying off wedding deposits, returning engagment gifts, lawyers fees etc.
He should step up but right now I don't even know how he gets himself out the door in the morning.
I am so blatantly confused on what is going on.
Maybe it would be explained that there is someone else.
I don't understand how he can switch so easily in terms of how he has acted.
Maybe it was all lies and an act but to keep it up for 6 months...I just don't understand.
It is sickening.
I hope one day it gets easier/better.
So frustrated.
Teagan
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