My Pit

Canada is a good country to be from.

It has a gentler slower pace - it lends perspective.
Paul Anka

Apparently I didn't inherit this trait.  I feel like I have crap-ola perspective.

Okay so my PIT (my reference to the Kardashians who at dinner their late father used to ask them the PIT (worst) and PEAK (best) part of their day)...I will save my PEAK until the end of the day...another post.  Heck this post is negative/venting/and very sad.  Heck I just want to scream and pout (pic from 1)!

I certainly could use a change in perspective.  Warning this is a venting post...This morning I awoke to my brother pounding on my door.  Saying he needed a ride to work because my dad's small low to the ground car couldn't get through the snow...and I was like what?!?!?! It has been raining all week and with the warmER temperatures the snow was almost all gone and we could finally see grass poking through.  Well I guess we got a huge dumping of snow overnight. 


Now its like a blizzard in the middle of March.  So I get out of bed 2 hours earlier then usual to head into the office.  Power is out from the storm so it took much longer to get to work because people don't get how downed power intersections are to be treated like four way stops.  So my 30 minute commute turned into an hour commute.  And I just grumble to myself because last year at this time my decisions were basically whether to go to Indonesia or Malaysia for a weekend trip with friends.  Our biggest concern was whether we could get spiced rum versus regular rum.  Now I'm here.  And EVERYthing has fallen apart.  And I'm hating my life.  I couldn't even read the darn menu board at Tim Horton's because of the crappy snow.  Look at this pic I took with my cell phone!

And I had to get my brother coffee and breakfast from Tim Horton's too (which I don't have in my budget...grumble grumble).I was supposed to escape early from the Baby Shower this Sunday (which is my first time out with my whole entire large European family ~read here~ since the demise of my engagement/pseudo-marriage) to go to Eva's new house in the TDot and take Monday off so we could have some girly time and do yoga.  I can't do that now strictly because if I don't work I don't get paid.  I have a ridiculous amount of expenses from my ridiculous circumstances.  So I'm bailing on Eva while having to endure the sure-to-be-hellish-baby-shower on Sunday.  I'm super pissed about this.  

Spencer didn't call/email/text like I was waiting on yesterday (see here).  I ended up sending him a text that said "Hey, just wondering if you had a chance to do any of the things we talked about?  Its the 10th today.  Teagan"  and ...no response.  So tonight I will sent him an email with the same kind of thing.  But I think I will just have to proceed and file for separation then divorce etc. here in Canada.  Though he did say he would take care of everything (LIAR!)

So I was in full process of a crapass mood and then.  One of my Ex's Pete (haven't even gotten to him yet!) showed up at my work.  Boy was that awkward I have seen him in ohhhh 8 years.  I look like hell (thanks to the early morning wake up call).  He is newly married/has a new house/basically life is perfect, while it appears that I'm back in Canada working as a receptionist...basically "living the dream" (I couldn't be more sarcastic).  

(TANGENT/SIDE NOTE/FORESHADOW...

hmmm will definitely have to include in the future

how I basically saw his entire wedding album

while I was meeting with photographers for

my upcoming wedding and it was so weird voyeuristic

I was about 10 shades of red

but didn't want to explain to the photographer

this was basically my high school sweetheart.)

So after way to many minutes of awkward small talk he said..."hey did you hear the sad news?"

Me: "uhhh no (thinking do you mean my horrible life??? because Yes I'm THAT self-absorbed).

Pete:  "remember Nathan?"

Me: "of course"

Pete: "he died two weeks ago"

Me: "what?!?!?!"

Pete: "yea of cancer"

Me: "oh my god that's horrible...his poor family"

Pete: "weird how things happen"

Me: "yea"

Thank goodness he then had to leave and I just sat back in my chair stunned.  I couldn't believe this.  I was shocked.  Someone who was so full of life...gone.  I haven't talked to him or seen him even in passing since this day (read here).  I just can't wrap my head around it.  I don't even know how to feel about it.

I'm seriously sitting here complaining about my life?  And I'm alive and healthy.  Wow do I feel like a horrible whiny prat (it's a UK word which resonates way stronger to me than brat).  I'm complaining about the cold and the snow and I just saw images that left me trembling from the Earthquake in Japan and then the tsunami's.  Just looking at these images takes my breath away.  How horrible!  This is awful. (pics from here, here, here, and here.)

I can't believe all the devastation...my thoughts and prayers are definitely towards the people in Japan and that there isn't tsunami repercussions all over the world.  I totally feel like shaking myself and I'm already kicking myself in the butt for being such a prat. I need to get a way better perspective on my life ASAP.  So later today I will talk about...MY PEAK (aka the things I should be happy/grateful about in my life/day).   

Chapter X-8: Day 8 or 9 or whatever really...

December 8th, 2010

So I slept terribly last night (again).
Partly because the furnace turned off because the snow was blocking the vents (so out to clear that away).
Partly because my brother (who I live with) went out but couldn't remember if he had a key or not (turns out he did) came home at 1:30 am.
Then at 6:30am my brother's ride to work rang the doorbell (for my brother to inform him he would ride with me instead when I went to the office for 9am).
Then my alarm went off at 7:30am but I hadn't really slept well in between all of that.
I woke up and felt like I had a shot gun wound to the stomach.
I feel so awful and anxious.
Its like a cold bucket of water dumped on me 30-60seconds after I awake and oh yea my life has taken an awful turn.
(I guess I soon need to do a who new way of describing what has exactly happened).
Long story short I'm angry at PH who is screwing me in every possible way except the way that I want (sorry for the TMI).
I want my stuff back, I want it all to just be over...I don't want to be completely screwed from traveling...I want to erase it/anull it or whatever it is...I want it all to be over so I can try and pick up the pieces.  I'm just so angry right now.  The fact that he doesn't have the b*lls to actually have a conversation about it ...the fact that he doesn't even think it warranted a meeting face-to-face to end a pseudo-marriage.  The fact that likely I have to pick up all these pieces all by myself.
How did I end up in this nightmare?
I am finding it VERY hard to listen to my friends who say "thank god it happened now...before it got more complicated and painful with houses and kids etc..blah blah blah" but I ask myself how could it get more painful then this.  How can someone go from being my best friend, lover, confidant planning a huge fun wedding with me turn around less than 4 weeks later and change their mind completely...and to such totality that he says he has had second thoughts since April (really?!!!! how did I not see this at all)...and I quote "I don't love you...I don't want to be married to you."  How is that for direct?  Direct like slap in the face with a tire-iron direct?
I. do. not. know. how. to. get. past. this.
Teagan

Chapter X-6: Day 7

December 6th, 2010

Sooo I slept TERRIBLY last night.  Absolutely horrible which is par for the course when I'm expecting a call/conversation with PH.  We are supposed to talk today.
At least I didn't have any wacked out dreams...but woke up just exhausted.
I am clearly still on a roller coaster of emotions. 
Yesterday I just holed myself up on the coach after wrapping Christmas gifts...and I thought I was doing okay until I talked to J and V...and proceeded to bawl my eyes out on the phone.
Which was a total surprise to me because I thought I was pulling it together.
I feel like I wish I could fast forward the next 6 months.
And can I just say that I think Christmas is like the most couple-y time of the year ever (well besides Valentine's Day!)  I wish I could just skip it!


It is so weird talking to my girlfriends who understand (and are the best support I could ever imagine)...that it will take time for me to get past this. 
That I should spend some time alone growing and healing...but here is the thing.
I LOVE being in a relationship I hate the "new" parts of relationships I don't like the butterflies and nervousness and first dates.
I don't like to be alone (granted I know that should tell me something)...but its NOT that I don't like myself/value myself/spend time with friends/my own interests.  I just LOVE having someone else in my life.
I love intimacy (with a monogamous committed relationship).
I love cuddling.
I love doing things for the other person.
I want to be with someone... I like myself better when I'm with someone.
I really don't think it is a case where I need to love myself by myself first.
I just need to find someone who loves me and doesn't just run away...especially after making a commitment.
Probably what hurts so bad with PH is that THIS is the amount of work he was willing to put into a marriage...this is what he is content walking away from with this much effort (which feels like none at this point).


Talking to Taylor about it she (and I agree) thinks I should only talk to him about getting my things back...because he isn't able to handle accomplishing anything whatsoever at this point.
So I guess I should explain when I moved home from Asia we shipped all my things to his state.
So he has many things of mine there...including things like diplomas/reference textbooks that I need etc.
So I need him to ship them here because I can't currently travel there.
Not sure if he will agree to that (but there is no value in him keeping my things at all...he doesn't want to be with me so there is no benefit for him to keep things).
Also, not sure who will pay for it but I'm thousands of dollars in the hole due to paying off wedding deposits, returning engagment gifts, lawyers fees etc.
He should step up but right now I don't even know how he gets himself out the door in the morning.
I am so blatantly confused on what is going on. 
Maybe it would be explained that there is someone else.
I don't understand how he can switch so easily in terms of how he has acted.
Maybe it was all lies and an act but to keep it up for 6 months...I just don't understand.
It is sickening. 
I hope one day it gets easier/better.
So frustrated.
Teagan

Day 5

I just woke up...yea for sleeping I can't remember the last time I slept until 9am!
I'm at Eva's place and she has already bustled off to work (told you she was a busy girl).
We had so much fun last night I met up with her and we went down to the "One of a Kind" show.
It is a mix of a very high end craft show and unique gifts.
We had a TON of fun looking at all the different vendors.
Of note was beautiful pottery, glasswear, metal works, spices, jams, woodwork and clothing. 
I think I need to figure out how to take pics myself of these places with my phone and then upload them to here so that I (and readers) have an idea of what its like to be in it all.
Eva and my mission was to find our girl B a birthday gift for her birthday next weekend.
We tried brainstorming ideas about decor and things like that but couldn't remember colours of B's place.
We found the most gorgeous metal works wall wine holder? (I am calling it that haha).
The vendor was a place called Practical Art which is from Stratford, Ontario...and for those of you who may not have heard that is where Justin Bieber is from.  It has much more notable traits about it but I'm guessing people are more familiar with that then their Stratford Festival (their famous Shakespearean run of plays at their very well known theatre), or their swans.
So we were successful!  We hope B likes it :)

Well at least I managed to start off a "day" without the focus on PH (well at least on a blog post).
Still nothing after my message to him about just wanting an update on ILawyer and wanting to get my things sent in a timely manner.

It was great to talk to Eva about it.  She has such a level head.  And one thing she said that brought me immense relief is that she has been struggling all week to wrap her head around it.  Like why?  She also said that she struggled with was how not one of the girls saw it.  You see my girls are so observant and they see things WAY before I do.  Eva said it wasn't even on the radar.  They are all baffled and annoyed and why go through all the things we went through like an Engagement party and Engagement photos and booking everything.  So at least I'm not the only one that is super confused.

So it's kind of like having a dull headache all the time.  Just kind of bothering you all day.  I would just like things to be over as soon as possible so I can move on....granted I didn't want things to be over but you really can't make someone want to be with you.  So I hope I can get my things back and I hope this isn't dragged out over many more weeks.  I'll keep you posted.
xoxo
Teagan

Chapter X-4: Day 4

December 3rd, 2010

Here is a big SHOCKER...I still feel terrible!
So no call/update from PH as of yet.
I tried to call him this morning to see if he had any news/course of action with regard to proceeding.
No answer...I did get a B*llsh*t text from him saying

"Sorry I'm stuck in a meeting at work and can't talk.  I may have an open afternoon/lunch and will check after my meeting".

I answered ...

"Just wanted an update/outcome with meeting you had yesterday.  Also wanted to know if you could ship my things as soon as possible.  Thanks"

I have a feeling this is going to open up a whole huge can of worms.
I think he will not be organized to ship my things.
Then there is the matter of the expense of shipping my things.
Which I think should be HIS expense because HE wants this.
And my expenses far far far outweigh his. 
I am the biggest loser in all of this.
I screwed my career, my options and my life to be with him.
Nevermind the things that really are mine...like the brandnew washer and dryer my parents bought for us.
Or the $300 worth of Target gift certificates to buy things like a vacuum and some dishes.
Nevermind that EVERYtime he came here to visit he left with more than $1000 in cash because of my guilt of not contributing.
Talked to Taylor yesterday and want to write a post all about that "guilt" and how it fits into life.
I have an awful awful feeling that this is going to become a huge mess.
I'm worried.
And I'm still reeling from the shock of it all.
I guess I should really provide some back story but its all just too much right now.

Chapter X-2: Day 3

December 2nd, 2010

It still hurts just as bad.
The worst right now is when I first wake up in the morning and then it all comes flooding into my mind.
My pseudo-husband has decided "I don't love you anymore and I don't want to be married to you."
Feels like the biggest slap in the face.
Feels like obviously the problem is ME.
I wish I could do anything to change that.
I feel like a failure.
Sometimes I wish I just didn't wake up...because it is like ice cold reality check every morning.
Then I get overwhelmed with all the things I have to do.
Figure out how to undo it all.
This is absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened in my life.
I feel like I have lost everything.
And it's making me doubt EVERYthing.
Like my career, myself, my worth, etc.
I feel like I can't take any steps by myself.
But I am carried through.
Kind of like that "Footsteps" poem.
When I look back there are only one set but it is because my friends are carrying me through on their backs.
Good thing they are the strongest, smartest and most beautiful people in the whole world.
They will definitely come up later (A., B., Eva, J., L., S., Taylor.,M., & India)
is all you need to know for now.
Thank god for them.
I go on because of them.
For now that is enough.
xoxo
Teagan B. Sawyer

Chapter X-1: Day 2

December 1st, 2010

So sue me I missed Day 1.
Day 1 of the "rest of my life".
Right now I'm not going to write about it.
Maybe later.
Safe to say I have had a life altering change occur.
It is heartbreaking and torturous.
Somehow I'm told I will make it through.
Right now my girls are my lifeline (more about that later).
So Day 2 and it sucks it hurts so bad.
So I'm going to do the ignoring thing and focus on frivolous materialistic things.
Creating a list of dream items and start to save my way there.
It take my mind of "him"...there is the first clue to my life altering change.
He will need a nickname soon.
That's all for this post.
xoxo
Teagan B. Sawyer