Between Order & Randomness*

I woke up all kinds of restless today.
Hmmm maybe because as of today we have been engaged/pseudo-married for 10 months
And our now-cancelled wedding is/was 9 months from now.
Still no response on whether my parents picking up my things from him works on the day I suggested.
Really he is making this the worst most painful ever.

Can I mention that I think Christmas is one of the most romantic holidays of the year?
When I drive downtown I see couples arm-in-arm, sharing coffee, holding hands and snuggling from the cold, parties and events where having a date is simply lovely (I'm obviously such a date person).
I love having someone to shop for and plan out a great gift.
I love the tree decorating, the family visits, the hand holding...
That's when the loneliness hits homes.  I have no one.
Which is not true I have wonderful friends and a family that does care (even if we can't function normally together or without being completely abrasive). 
But I'm still up in this weird kind of limbo because things aren't resolved etc.

The other thing is I go back and forth about the holidays.
So yesterday my cousin Richard (Bella's older brother) invited me to their holiday party on Saturday.
I was like yea that sounds great (because initially he asked if I had plans this Saturday and I was like no not really).
So do I go?
In one way it gets me out of the house (which I suppose is a good thing).
In the other I know someone WILL ask about Spencer...it is inevitable.
I could have a plan of what to say.
The other thing is ...it is going to come up eventually at some point...someone will ask and I can't keep lying about it.
The things is I know at Richard's party it will be all couples.
Really great sweet couples but all couples none the less.
His wife Elli is my age...and 5 months pregnant.
Their wedding was the only wedding I have ever been in (bridesmaid) besides my one stint as a ring bearer (yes you read that right in my godfather's wedding I was a ringbearer - but totally in like flower girl attire...weird I know but my family doesn't really do normal).
So do I go to this holiday party?

In other random news...I work with Elli's brother (who was the groomsman who was my escort in their wedding).  And I have talked to him a few times since starting to work here.
Only I totally did NOT put two and two together.
Didn't realize it was the same person.
I am totally dense.
The dude has really distinctive Justin Guarini hair (like the guy from first American Idol).
I have no idea how I didn't put this together...the wedding was only 5 years ago.
Part of me wonders if I'm that self-absorbed in my own life?...

Granted the wedding was a crazy weekend...I was in graduate school and flew into Canada Thursday evening.
Friday I went for my one and only dress fitting, got my hair coloured and done just in time for the rehearsal.
Friday night rehearsal and dinner and over night in hotel.
Saturday wedding...then Sunday morning at 3:30am a shuttle picked me up to take me to the airport where I flew back to Texas and was back at school Sunday (we had reviews for National testing like Bar Exam for Law school the following week)  at like 11:30 in jeans, Sweatshirt and wedding hair....fabulous right?
So it was a whirlwind weekend.

So literally as I was writing this post my mom called to talk about cancelling all the wedding vendors...again.
Every time my voices catches and feel tears coming to my eyes.
I must be really nice for Spencer to NOT have to deal with any of this.
It is extremely painful for me.
Every part of this sucks in every way possible.
I feel like I will never get married and will be alone forever.
And I'm one of those girls that fantasized about her wedding since I was a little kid.
I want the whole big thing...part of the reason we had basically an 18 month pseudo-engagment period was to be able to get all the amazing vendors and to be able to pay for the wedding.
Now to undo is so much worse...I wish we had never even gone there and I wonder what he was possibly thinking as we picked out venue, and cakes, and tuxedos and talked about first dances etc.
I just don't understand.

So I officially have 0 focus.
I can't decide anything for the life of me.
I feel like I'm in limbo.
BUT I plaster a smile on my face and sit at work and try to get everything done.
Make idol chitchat and pretend that everything is going great.
When I wish that Spencer hadn't changed his mind and was flying up here for Christmas.
That I still had a beautiful wonderful wedding to look forward to.
That my life was still in the direction that I thought...and my life unfolding perfectly in front of me.
Well no...I don't wish that exactly ...
I "get" that everyone thinks it is better to have found out now than down the road with kids and houses and more of a mess.
I understand that BUT it doesn't make the hurt go away.
I guess I wish more to be with someone that loved me and wouldn't leave.
To be with someone who thought I was the most important person in their life (and they mine).
I want my own family unit...I want someone to spend the holidays with...every year.
I am tired of being alone.
I am tired of getting screwed over.
I am tired of always being the one to give more.
Am I destined to always be alone and always be the one to give more?
That is why I started my exboyfriend project...maybe I will understand why this happens...maybe someone will tell me what I'm doing wrong (God know I need to listen to someone's advice).
Why do I feel like I can't even make a single good decision lately.
I feel incredibly lost and am just trying to find some kind of semblance of a normal life...which makes me wonder about if I should be going to that holiday party or do I need more hermit alone time?
Sigh
It is supposed to get easier at some point right????
Teagan