Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Yoga Diaries~Day Four and Day Five

I wish I looked this great doing yoga...but I'm a hot sweaty mess and my hair is definitely up!

~Day Four~
You can read here...I didn't go I think I had a good reason (family time).

~Day Five~ aka Mommy and Me Yoga aka The Most Stressful Yoga EVER
So it was a pretty busy Monday at work and then I had to rush home, change, take out the pup and go pick my mum up to drive to Yoga.
Okay I pick her up and the entire time we drove to Yoga (about 20-25 minutes).
Here is the conversation (noticibly one sided as per usual).
"I bought two dresses in Florida (she was there last week) for the wedding in May" (the bridal shower I went to that I talked about in this post).
"So I have one to wear to the church and one to wear in the evening" (nice but not necessary)
"So many great weddings coming up" (that kind of felt like a dig)
"Bella has been dating her boyfriend for awhile I bet she gets engaged soon" (I don't think so because she actually wants to break up with him but I keep my mouth shut).
"And your other cousin basically lives with her boyfriend now and he moved to our city just to be with her...he must really love her... and her mom was talking about how she will have two weddings to pay for in the near future (her and her sister)"
"All of your cousins found really good guys to be with who actually do a lot for them and then it's worth it to pay for a fun wedding things" (ummm okay seriously did she really say it would be worth it... do we HAVE to talk about this??? and for the record I've paid for EVERYTHING that was lost in the wedding deposits as my parents are pretty pissed when they found out I was pseudo-married...then the kicker)
"Everyone is SO happy and planning weddings and really starting their lives" (ouch).

I felt like crying.  I'm still pretty heartbroken over Spencer.  For the record I'm NOT happy with how my life unfolded these last couple of months.  I was planning a wedding/pseudo-married and everytime I hear about someone elses plans I immediately think of what our plans were.  I literally had everything planned...everything.  (By the way this will make way more sense when I finish the Spencer chapters in MyExboyfriendProject). 
I struggle every day with the fact that I am alone and will likely be alone forever.
I feel like my friends having amazing fiance's and husband's and it's just "not in the cards" for me.
It's not that I don't want them to have this.  I am genuinely happy for them. 
I am absolutely sad at the future of being alone for the rest of my life.
I can do it though. 
It's not like I can't survive and support myself but I didn't want that. 

I didn't want a future alone.  However, it seems like the inevitable future. 

So I'm thinking all these things as my mum goes on and on and on about everyone and their new engagements and weddings.  Does she not understand that this just is crushing me?  I do see how every single person around me is happy and in love and seemingly with men who would go to the end of the world for them and I just seem to really mess up relationships.  Like not just sad or bad breakup but like have to relocate countries/lose a substancial amount of money/hire lawyers...etc.  I am failing at life in the love department.  So this conversation just seemed to go on and on.

Thank goodness it was pouring and I was able to drop off my mum at the entrance so I could park down the street and just try to collect myself.
I just rested my head against the steering wheel took a deep breath and tried not to cry.
I bit my bottom lip and thought to's okay just get through this class.
And as I walked up to the Yoga studio I was giving myself a pep talk...Reese Witherspoon just got married (for the second time) and lots of people find love after their first marriage. 
I have to have seems sort of useless without love in it. 
And I get that there is love of your friends blah blah blah but I think people are happier when they have a partner (I don't care if this is an ignorant statement).
So my  head was SWIRLING with thoughts walking into yoga.

It was new instructor.
So I tried to set an intention for yoga.
I thought...its okay to not do this for me...its okay to do this for my friends who I want to set good intentions for.  I can focus for them and sending them positive thoughts. 
I'm not even going to think about myself because honestly I think that my life is too sad when I think about it.  So my intention for yoga was send positive thoughts out to my girls and my breathing and movements would be for them.
I know it's that weird yoga/meditation/talk but I had to try something or else I just would find myself cyclically going over and over all the bad of the last year. 

We began class.
The instructor was awful.
By the halfway point of class 80% of the class wasn't doing the flows because they were disjointed and it seemed like she was pushing just for the sake of pushing or making it a "hard" class.
I found myself getting frustrated at not being able to keep up.
I kept up okay in Eva's 90 minute class and this was a regular (ie. not advanced) 60 minute class.
Then I looked around and realized that only 3 out of 30 people weren't just resting and lying down.
Then people started to leave the class.
That is how bad it was.
After about 5 people left the instructor started saying "this is when you dig deep and complete your's also too shocking on your body to go from hot to cold so just rest in child's pose and bring your heart rate down and rejoin us when you can."
It got to the point that literally there was 1 person able to do the flows and postures etc.
I definitely will not go back to her class again because I felt like she was doing it for herself (though again the class was so full that she just instructed and walked around and made corrections) and she did not pay attention to or read the class.
My mum also thought that the class was awful and preferred our first instructor.
So after we went past my cousin Bella's house because it was close by.

On the way there she asked where I was yesterday.
I told her at Bella's for a jewellry party which really got her going...
"You can't afford to buy jewellry right now"

Me: "I know which is why I didn't buy anything"
"Well that is rude of you" (wtf)
"I don't think so I explained before I went that I couldn't afford to purchase those things which is why I went over early and stayed late to help her set up and clean up" (go me!)
"Was the jewellry nice or was it just junk jewellry?"
"I thought it was nice"...(ughh seriously could it be any more negative...does she even realize how things sound when they come out of her mouth?)

My mum hasn't been there in awhile.
So she hadn't seen Bella's dog in awhile.
As soon as she saw her she went on and on and on about how overweight the dog was.
Too the point where it was embarrasing.
She asked my aunt and my cousin "What are you doing to the dog?  She is so so fat!! Shame!"
I guess it really bothered her that the dog appeared overweight.
Then she told my aunt she should try hot yoga (so maybe that is a postive sign that she likes it?)  We spent about an hour there.  Then it was time to head home so we left.  I  dropped my mum off first and then headed home myself.

These few weeks of yoga are proving to be a challenge...maybe I just need some legwarmers...


  1. I am so so sorry! I can't believe your mom is being so negative especially when it's still a sensitive topic in your life. I understand where you are coming from though because my mom has done things like that to me before and it hurts so much because you expect your family to be the ones that are the most supportive of you, not the ones that are helping to tear you down. Sounds like that was a bad instructor and you need to try to go more often without your mom! ;) Or there's always the chance to practice it at home! Hang in there - it will get better and you will find someone great some day soon! :)

  2. You might want to sit down to hear this. Bethany Joy Galeotti has a blog: .

    Check out this guest post on her blog from one of the producers of One Tree Hill, Beth Crookham:

    Came across her blog randomly and, as I've never seen One Tree Hill, I immediately thought of you. Also, I was stunned to read this post and am glad I can leave something cheerful as a comment.

  3. Do not give up on love! Remember where Taylor was 2 years ago? And look at her now. Life changes ALL THE TIME. And I am confident that a beautiful, intelligent, and confident woman like you will find an equally amazing man to spend her life with.

    Hope your mom backs off soon. I can't believe she says things like that to you!