Closing Doors to Open New Ones

Y'all a final update (I think) on MrRealtor.
So I told you here how I finally broke things off on that Sunday (read here)
(even though he didn't get that).

As evidence of the email the next day.
And then I told you all about these texts a few days later (read here if you missed it).
Well a few days later I got these texts...

Which drove me nuts to the point that I thought I better call him.
Which is why I agreed to call him.
So how frustrated was I when he tried to bully me into meeting up with him...because that's what HE would rather do.

I didn't I called him.
But the guy would NOT listen.
To the point where I was blunt and like "this is not going anywhere".
After I thought I was quite clear and finished the conversation....
I got this text from him.
Read the top box (the next one is clearly from the next day).

And then the next day this (all unanswered by the way).

Seriously WTF.
I hope you didn't mean what you said last night?
I mean WHAT?
So I think I won't reply.
I mean I know he asked me to but this is just getting ridiculous.

Being Bendy

Pic from here

Now I hope y'all weren't thinking dirty with the title of this post.
This is about plans and switching plans.
Not the late night antics of MrKent and myself.


Anywho.
One of the things I KNOW I need to learn about myself is to be more "bendy".
I suck at "bendy-ness".


My definition of "bendy"


-> being flexible with plans.


I am the total opposite of Bendy.
If I had it my way, my planner would be chiseled into stone.
I like plans and want everything to go exactly as planned.


Want to make me a super excited happy camper.
Send me an hour by hour itinerary. 
Yes I'm that much of a big dork.
I'm going to say this stems back to my high school competitive cheerleading days where the competition itinerary was given out and the hour by hour planning put my heart at ease.
Which is possibly why I also love school schedules etc so very very much.
If you didn't think I was a dork before now you know its irrefutable.  


BUT here's the thing I think I need to become more bendy.
Real life doesn't go by schedules set.
And I'm trying to be less rigid.
Because sometimes when you force plans through things actually break.


So most recently I'm trying to be more bendy.
I know when I talked about upcoming trips here I was so excited.
So obviously I was less excited when things seem to not be working out.


The July girl's trip to Chicago isn't going to happen.
When it came down to it we would basically be there for 2 nights getting in super duper late Friday to run around all Saturday just to leave early on a Sunday.
We probably wouldn't have enjoyed our trip at all.
So on the "bendy" side now cancelling Chicago will allow me take more time 
(and have more money) for my Labor Day trip to Dallas in the fall.


This weekend coming up is a long weekend in Canada.
We call it May Two Four 
(it generally falls around the 24th and usually involves a case (24) of beer).
I was supposed to be headed up to Ottawa.
Now Brooke and her daughter, and Jane are going to head to Toronto for one maybe two nights.
All in all this actually works better for me to allow me to get some work stuff done that I would have pushed to a later time.
Also it means I wouldn't be doing the 4 and a half hours long road trip alone up to Ottawa and then 4 and a half hours back...actually it would likely be a lot worse because it is a long weekend and the highway gets CRAZY because we essentially have one major highway here.
And not going to lie I'm excited because I may even get some time in with MrKent 
(they do have fireworks on Monday night and I'm a SUCKER for fireworks!)


So you see things can be great for bendy people.
I'm just trying to be one of them.

The New Place Official Tour

Sooo finally got around to organizing the place for it's first official tour.

Are you excited?

Here we go...

The grand entrance.

Mirror panelled closet...you know every girl needs a last quick check before stepping out the door.  And you better believe the MOMENT my dad entered the condo he installed an extra bolt thingy because then someone can't come in even if they have a key hahaha.

Safety first.

(Fingers crossed not to be charged for damaging the interior).

From further away you can see the bigmothermirror.

I know I keep meaning to tell you all about it.

Maybe this weekend k?

And no I'm not that narcissistic.

I just loved it the moment I saw it.

Okay since I'm accustomed to living in small spaces.

I think organization is key.

Especially for things you love.

Like shoes...

And boots...

And the essentially sticky roller thing because the dog totally sheds.

And guests also appreciate it.

Hooks are a must for me.

Especially for two essentials like the leash and keys.

I detest having to look for keys because they have found their way to some tucked away extra fold in my purse.

Problem solved I never have to look for my keys.

And here is where I perform my culinary arts.

Also know as making cakes for cake class or salads for lunch.

I know I live at extremes people!

And I totally consider the dishwasher a luxury.

Have not lived somewhere with one for more then two years almost.

And yes you can see pretty much the whole apartment from the kitchen.

The L shaped kitchen from the main area. 

And you can see the gray chairs from this post.

And in case you are wondering no

I have not figured out how to reattach the bar support thingy.

Right beside the kitchen I have the standard Ikea big bookshelf.

Holding books, family pictures, liquor, my fav wine glasses and a wine decanter...you know the important things.

The couch and THE DESK!!!

Notice the coffee table.

My parents brought it with them when they immigrated from South Africa.

I used to get in trouble as a toddler for sitting on the glass.

I'm going to try and maybe dig up a photo of that from my parents place this weekend.

Spot the dog?

The TV...present from my parents.

Who basically couldn't fathom me lugging my huge box TV here

(it is a TV I've had since grade 4!)

And yes I had somehow convinced my parents in grade 4

I absolutely needed a TV in my room to do homework.
Wish I was still that great of a negotiator.

My Laundry "room".

I totally crammed everything I could in there!

The bathroom.

I find it kind of creepy that I can take a picture without catching myself in the mirror.

Well almost I think you can see my elbow.

It's the small details.

Like a daily reminder that I need to get to Paris at some point soon.

And Fleur de Lis on the towels.

That are totally crooked.

Should have fixed that haha.

And finally where the magic happens.

Errrr would happen.

If there was someone magical.

There is not...in case you are wondering.

Trying to stay organized.

The "good" purses are on the top shelf.

The others line the back of the door.

This is how I organize my jewellry.
I'm sort of obsessed with 3M hooks.

And I find if I have things easily accessible I actually rotate my jewellry.

I spy my Lilly Bag that Taylor brought from Dallas for me :)

And that's it folks.

Well in case you wondering if I am always so super neat and organized.

For the most part I am.

Minus the messy corner waiting to head back to my home town this weekend.

My little "corner of chaos".

Oh well no one's perfect.

And if I didn't show you it maybe you would think I was perfect.

haha

I have crooked towels and a corner of chaos.
I'm sooooooooooo not perfect.

And I'm trying to be getting better at being okay with that.

The Teagan Car Curse and fun with paint

Okay y'all I'm cursed.
You might be saying to yourself..."duh Teagan you are DEFINITELY cursed" re: my entire life...especially in the "boy" department.
Anywho it is about time you learned about my car curse.

Yes it is true I am cursed with cars.
Not accident wise (thank goodness).
But they seem to fall apart around me.

Case and point.

• Upon moving to Texas as soon as I crossed the border from Canada into the USA...I lost the entire electrical panel... no speedometer, no odometer, no gas indicator NADAH (and let me tell you that is a LONGGGGGGGGGGGG drive without those things).
• On the way back from Austin (for a wedding) the truck in which a group of us were traveling (including the FABULOUS Taylor) just stopped working halfway back to Dallas.  We literally pulled into a pizza store awaited a big tow flat bed and had to have a friend drive to pick us up.
• Flat tire on exam day...the DAY AFTER another flat tire (different tire) on exam day and I would have missed the exam if Will haden't hauled butt to come get me in the nick of time.

You get the idea...therefore it should really have come to no surprize that after a week of moving to Toronto the automatic transmission blew on my car.
So on Sunday my parents were sweet enough to exchange cars.
As I drove them around in their car that I was to borrow for the week...this happened...(reminder this is THEIR car not MINE that had similar light up panel issues)...

Yes I'm not kidding.
At least it happened in front of them.

But now it is like a tease...
Initially the lights are off and then they come on with an annoying shrill beep.  And stay on.
When I looked into it...the drivers manual says THIS!!!

So then I followed instructions and refered to pages 72 and 73

Uh oh.
I seriously am car cursed.
How annoying.
But at least I had fun messing around in paint.

Loose Ends and Tight Beginnings

Hmmm my title sounds kind of dirty but I'm going to roll with it.

Sometimes I don't want to devote things to long drawn out posts  (I said SOMETIMES).

Who know I could always change my mind.

So here goes the tying up loose ends...

• Finishing up the packing/organization/spring cleaning slotted for this weekend (doing a little bit every day but anticipate that this weekend I will finish it all...maybe a post for that).
• Mother's Day Dinner our on Monday (because my mum went away for the weekend with my dad)...and it went okay even though there was complaints about it.  Though I'm not sure how you can complain when my brother and I dropped $432 +15% tip on dinner...guess there will be complaints either way.
•  
• I will be attending Eva's wedding solo at the end of the month...my buddy Will can't come partly because of Memorial Day but I also think majorly because of his gf ~fair enough.
•  
• Eva wanted to introduce me to a friend of her fiance's at the wedding so she was happy that Will wasn't coming with me UNTIL this friend of her fiance's RSVP'ed with a wedding date...bummer!
•  
• Eva thinks there are 4 people going solo to this wedding our age...4 (me, Val, Shelby, and Brooke) therefore this girl won't be participating in any wedding make-out debauchery...double bummer!
•  
• 40 days of yoga pass ran out...I learned mommy and me activities are best left for others.  I only hit 18/40 days which is rather discouraging.  But I guess I could look at it that each hot yoga class only cost $2.22/class which is AMAZING and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself for not doing all 40 days.
•  
• To make things easier I have made a box for Spencer's stuff so I don't have to linger or keep bumping into it and it will be easy to burn return to him later.
•  
• I still haven't heard from Spencer but am stuck on what to do.  I still want him to do the divorce on his end just because it is cheaper and really he should do SOMETHING because he wanted to end it all.  Will thinks I should call him daily until I talk to him...I'm not so sure.
• Last night I spent two hours trying to help my mum put ads on kijiji and check her email...it was frustrating because my parents sometimes feign lack of understanding when they don't want to do things themselves...annoying.
• I am so ready to be done working at my dad's place...it is just boring and stagnant and not my passion BUT has enabled me to save some money (and be able to blog and basically do what I want) so I really can't complain I'm just ready to move on with my life.

Tight (tight=awesome and new) beginnings

• Applied for 5 jobs in the TDot today (including a DREAM job)...fingers crossed.
• My mum called and LITERALLY wanted to read me changes so that I could change things on kijiji ad for her...I told my mum she needs to learn how to do kijiji ads and check her email (I have provided her HAND WRITTEN instructions)...she is pissed but this needs to happen.
• Talked to Will today on the phone for an hour and it was great to catch up with my best friend from graduate school.  He is planning on coming to visit (it is only about 2.5 hours from his city to mine though it does involve a border crossing).  However, he wants to bring the gf (and how could I say no right?)  Despite the fact he is ONLY a friend and there has never been anything between us I'm a little bummed that he is bringing her (can't pinpoint why I just am).
• Will almost kicked my butt for (still...well only until the 24th-read here about that) talking to Jacob...he said "Teagan you HAVE to stop talking to him he has been nothing but a liar and a scumbag with a FIANCEE and has never done anything right by you...go make-out with random chefs or something but really you are wasting your time and heart with this douchbag."  Now you know why Will was my best friend in school haha.
• I have phone interview tomorrow for some temp work (not having anything to do with the 5 jobs I applied for today) in my career...kind of nervous for it but excited.
• Hair highlighting Friday :)
• My brother is going to Vegas for 5 days on Friday...which means I will have the whole place to myself all weekend!  He isn't worried about me having a party or anything he was teasing me that maybe I would have a bookclub meeting or something haha.
• Might return to the library again this weekend and get some good books.
• I'm trying to figure out a better way to organize MyExBoyfriend Project.  Also am trying to figure out if I just pick a day a week to contribute because sometimes writing is sad and draining (obviously the Spencer chapters especially right now when they all the good times and the falling in love and it is still kind of recent)...maybe I will alternate Spencer chapters and older chapters...any suggestions are welcome.

Do you ever feel like you are teetering on the brink of change?...I'm right there I feel like these next couple of weeks are going to have some big huge changes...there is a charge or anticipation in the air...I'm ready to bust through the inertia of suckholeness and move on to getting back to myself.

Pic from here and here

The Master Plan...breaking out of the vortex of suckholeness

Okay I've been totally dragging ass my feet at making decisions
and actually DOING something.
I passed all the tests I was fretting about.
And instead of being all proactive and having everything organized so I could take a sprinting start... I dwelled...and I dawdled...and I've done NOTHING.

I mean I went to yoga and my temp work and continued with life but I put everything on hold.
I unpacked a bunch of boxes a few weekends ago and just left them.
Organized into groups but untouched and unpacked none the less.
Which is exactly how my life is was...a bunch of things sorted into piles but laying there unpacked...uncommited to a box if you will.

I few of my friend dropped hints lately like...soooo Teagan what's up now that you passed?
And I kind of brushed it off in that I was getting organized etc except really I wasn't.
You see I am was still stuck on how much my #1 goal was to be in my dream place (Florida) working (well frankly married but that is not happening obviously)
and it is impossible and I just need to admit defeat (for now).
I need to stop being sad over Spencer and being a (still cringe when I say it) divorcee
and I just need to do something really anything to break free of this suckhole that is my life.

I am currently stuck.
And someone told me that I just have to figure out a way to go against the inertia and just do SOMEthing.
So I am.
Val and I went to Tim Horton's to come up with the Master Plan...
and with minimal tears shed we came up with one.

First...where to go.
Since I had been looking at jobs basically overseas...and because I think I might be allergic to the cold (well I shouldn't joke around about that because Eva actually is allergic to the cold
but that is a story for another day.)
I love working overseas or being a foreigner (hence the last 8 + years of my life).

So Val tried to pinpoint why I love this and why I want to go away (again).
Here is what I came up with:

• It's fun discovering new food/culture/life/setting up.
• You tend to put yourself out there more and it seems like there are more activities to do.
• You automatically have a cute accent. (I don't care if this is shallow).
• You are different (therefore more attention..again I know this sounds horrid).
• I like the weather.
• Travel opportunities.
• I don't have the stress of my family.
• It's not the suckhole that is my home town.
• The taxes aren't outrageous (thank you Canada).
• I have more opportunities with work (in terms of what I can do outside of Canada~kind of complicated to explain this fully).

So Val and I talked it out...because in all reality my end goal is still to end up in the South
(what can I say I fell in love with the Southern USA years ago).
Val pointed out that I could still try to pursue this goal while working here and it is easier here with my support system.

Also, in reality when you go away it is very difficult to make a ton of money.
Well let me clarify...a lot of places that are ethical you are working in a foreign country for the "experience" (which actually translates to you won't make near the amount of money you would in North America).  There is an exception to that rule but it involves being unethical and really scamming people in a sense and all kinds of things that I refused to do during my time in Asia.  I will explain it all later but in essence you can make X and do this in North America...or you can earn 3X (literally TRIPLE salary) and you work things "our way"...which so would NOT fly in North America.  So it isn't like some careers where you are lured to a foreign country with house allowance, car allowance and all other kinds of perks (at least not in my field).

If I was to go away the likelihood of me being in this same EXACT position
(ie. finished with another foreign experience with not a bunch of money saved  and searching for some kind of root system) in 2-5 years is very very high.
And lets face it as much as I have fun memories and traveled places I'm whistfully lustful of what my friends have (love and family... which ultimately doesn't come from country hopping).
So it was time to maybe decide to stay here...or at least give it a fair try in my career for a year...if I hated it then I can up and move somewhere foreign.
As a very close friend of mine once said... "nothing's permanent." 

First plan of action:  Move to Toronto for a minimum of 1 year.
Timeframe: by the end of June.
Things essential for this: find a job in Toronto.

Second, part was to deal with Jacob.
As in I need to stop talking to him because it is wrong to talk to him.
So these daily conversations need to stop.

Even if he says things like...

you are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep (hmmmmmm I wonder if you do that while in bed with your fiancee?!?!?! but of course I don't have the guts to say that)...he says things like ...

"I love you ...you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with...I want us to be a family...I miss (fill in the blank with examples of our history together)...I can't wait to see you (because yes at this point we are still talking about meeting up though in my defense I don't think it would ever happen) and be able to hold you and kiss you...
I think about you EVERY SINGLE DAY...

This is all bad bad bad...even though in my vortex of suckholeness I am eating it up.
Just got to stop...cold turkey.

Second Plan of Action: No more talking to Jacob (who is engaged...bad stupid Teagan!!! and yes I totally just refered to myself in third person GROSS!)
Time Frame:  May 24th (Val made me pick a day but I guess that is a good idea).

So really I think I built this up a lot more then what it actually is.
Oops sorry.
So there it is ...I am implementing it already.
I packed and reorganized 20 boxes this weekend (post to come on that!).
I also revamped my CV/resume/work experience.
But I continuously talked to Jacob because I have until the 24th right?
(Val would totally KILL me for saying that haha).

So I apologize for the buildup for a master plan that is kind of lack luster at best.
But here it is anyway.
So I will keep you posted on the progress which has a much better focus now :)
Thanks to a kick in the butt (that I didn't want but desparately needed) from various friends this last week.

PS in case you are wondering I haven't talked/heard from/received Divorce papers from Spencer.  I'm going to have to reach out to him again (I'm just trying to avoid having to fork over the $3400+ that is would cost in this country to get a divorce).  I don't want to reach out to him but I think I will have to...what  a pain in the butt.  I wish I never met him.  I don't care about everything happening for a reason etc. and trusting in God's plan for you life etc.  Woah need to stop doing down that negatory path...  However, Val (who is the FOURTH person to tell me this kind of very specific thing) is glad things ended like this because she didn't want me chopped up and decomposing in a river because Spencer lost it...other friends have said that I don't need a Wikipedia page like Laci Peterson...I apparently didn't see this in him but I guess he really is a sociopath.  Probably will make more sense after I finish my whole exboygriend project.  One day I will never have to ever ever deal with him again.  Thank goodness.  I just wish that since he wanted it to be over he would take some action to finally finish things.  Because I am so ready to move on with my life as evident by my new master plan.

PPS totally using work to blog and job search...what?!?!?! I'm allowed!




Pics from here and here.

Crossroads...not just a Britney Spears movie title...

I'm having a bit of a freak out...panic attack...reached crossroads in my life
and it's kind of like "now what????".
Before I was waiting to see if I passed my tests and now I did.
I can work in my career in Canada.

Now I'm stuck.
Well I guess I mean that in two senses of the word "stuck".
I'm "stuck" here in Canada (insert sad face) almost feels like a jail sentance (okay I know I'm being a TAD melodramatic).
I'm "stuck" in the sense like my feet are glued to the ground and I can't quite seem to make that next step...ie. look for jobs that I would actually consider.

You would think I would have spent these last weeks revamping my CV/resume and being ready to go out the gate and I just didn't.
I guess my main problem is how to gloss over the fact that I haven't worked since May 2010 in my field.
Ummm I'm guessing most employers will not be super impressed by me cutting short a contract in Asia to follow my fiance/pseudo-husband back to this hemisphere of the world.
I never anticipated it would be THIS long before I would be able to work again.
I was already licensed in the USA so we thought it would only take a few weeks but with the immigration issues it ended up being much longer and well now of course it has turned out like this.

I'm humiliated and embarrased.
Also cut to the fact that I don't have a letter of recommendation from my last two employers.
I did ask and they said they would do one but I guess I didn't pester enough to actually get them.

So I just feel stuck.
Then add to the mix that I'm just NOT excited to work here and that is sucking big time.
So then I start to look internationally...which will lead to all kind of death threats from the family and friends (I'm kidding...sort of).

So what do I do???
I feel like I'm standing at a fork in the road
and have absolutely no idea which direction to step in.
Well there is one road I want but it is not available to me.

I guess the first step is to organize my "bags" (resume/CV).
Grab a map and try to decipher what the available "roads" (places) for me are.
Just try to travel a road...and see how quickly a roadblock pops up.
Because YES I am anticipating some roadblocks.

If there were directions signs I feel like they would read like this...not entirely encouraging.

pics from here, here,

Just another manic Monday...

So how is your Monday going?
Mine?  Well it is snowing...and I'm really tempted to include a "when someone mentions Florida to me so it feels like salt in a wound" counter on my blog.

Today various comments include...
"Wow we should all move to Florida this weather is crazy"
"Is this the weather you missed about Canada?"
"Wow it has been 6 months of miserable weather here when I was in Florida it was so nice and warm"
"I can't wait to go to Florida next week because this weather is awful"
"I'm having a really hard time picking between these two homes in Florida...take a look tell me what you think"
These are from five different people...all before noon...seriously.

And I just plaster a fake smile on my face and nod in agreement all the while feeling like I've swallowed a spoonful of vinegar.
Clearly I'm not going to get a lot of "work" done today...

Seriously...could these people please fall in love with a state besides Florida?
This weather just makes me so freaking miserable.
I don't know what to do except look at international opportunities (besides the USA because that is proving to be impossible for me).

Here's what is available on my brief look this morning.

Dededo, Guam

~ looks interesting...tropical...it is a US territory not sure how that would work for visa's etc...hmmm major US military base...better NOT go there...Spencer turned out way more HurtLocker/StopLoss than DearJohn if you catch my drift (total movie references)...maybe I should stay away from military men.

Quito, Ecuador

~ hmmm doesn't seem quite the place to go for me.  I need more metropolitan...why did I leave Singapore again?

Rzeszow, Poland

~ hmmm I think it snows there too...and wait are they seriously offering that little money??? I make more at my piddly little reception job...good luck dude.

Trujillo, Peru

~ THAT could be cool and I always wanted to explore South America.  I know Taylor loved when she went there for a vacation...well I think it was Peru...better ask.

Madrid, Spain

~ hmmm I loved Barcelona last summer.  That could be a cool opportunity...explore Europe...hmmm going to star that one.

Singapore

...wait...this is my old employer...looking for someone...weird...probably burned that bridge though...darn Spencer...I'm missing Singapore more than ever now :(

Just for pure torture basis...how many postings for Florida...8 darn it...I would be a perfect fit for any of those ohhhh and 16 in Cali!!!! Oh my gosh talk about a dream life!  Sigh...I wish I had these options.

How can I try this?...I could try for the lottery for greencard...and maybe with enough positive thinking I will get chosen :)  I could try and find an employer that would want to hire me guaranteed 6 months in advance (not likely).  I need to figure something out.

I think people will freak out if I leave again or as my friends like to say "run away again".  So maybe I should just disappear (totally kidding...well not totally kidding exactly).  If I was the type ready to settle down etc.  then I "get" staying in Canada but as I glance outside at the snow coming down I think...this can't be "it".  So today's efficient work day has me at this "count"  ...
job postings examined outside of Canada 30...Job postings examined in Canada 0.

I wish I won the lottery so that I could return to school (and obviously I would return to school in a Southern State)...I've already looked into it but I wouldn't qualify for student loans except if my parents co-signed and let's just say they won't (for the second time).  Or had the 100K to invest in a business (which basically also gets you a visa in the US).  Ultimately I would like to teach (in a graduate school of my profession) but I'm not sure how the schools feel about hiring a foreign teacher (too much of a pain in the butt versus non-foreign is my guess).  Sigh...it feels like the odds are against me.  I know EXACTLY what I want but I feel like there are too many barriers.  I think I will have to write a post about exactly what I want like my girl Taylor who did that and not that far down the road can now check off her complete list (yea!)...maybe that is what I need to do...

The Yoga Diaries~Day Four and Day Five

I wish I looked this great doing yoga...but I'm a hot sweaty mess and my hair is definitely up!

~Day Four~
You can read here...I didn't go I think I had a good reason (family time).

~Day Five~ aka Mommy and Me Yoga aka The Most Stressful Yoga EVER
So it was a pretty busy Monday at work and then I had to rush home, change, take out the pup and go pick my mum up to drive to Yoga.
Okay I pick her up and the entire time we drove to Yoga (about 20-25 minutes).
Here is the conversation (noticibly one sided as per usual).
"I bought two dresses in Florida (she was there last week) for the wedding in May" (the bridal shower I went to that I talked about in this post).
"So I have one to wear to the church and one to wear in the evening" (nice but not necessary)
"So many great weddings coming up" (that kind of felt like a dig)
"Bella has been dating her boyfriend for awhile I bet she gets engaged soon" (I don't think so because she actually wants to break up with him but I keep my mouth shut).
"And your other cousin basically lives with her boyfriend now and he moved to our city just to be with her...he must really love her... and her mom was talking about how she will have two weddings to pay for in the near future (her and her sister)"
"All of your cousins found really good guys to be with who actually do a lot for them and then it's worth it to pay for a fun wedding things" (ummm okay seriously did she really say it would be worth it... do we HAVE to talk about this??? and for the record I've paid for EVERYTHING that was lost in the wedding deposits as my parents are pretty pissed when they found out I was pseudo-married...then the kicker)
"Everyone is SO happy and planning weddings and really starting their lives" (ouch).

I felt like crying.  I'm still pretty heartbroken over Spencer.  For the record I'm NOT happy with how my life unfolded these last couple of months.  I was planning a wedding/pseudo-married and everytime I hear about someone elses plans I immediately think of what our plans were.  I literally had everything planned...everything.  (By the way this will make way more sense when I finish the Spencer chapters in MyExboyfriendProject). 
I struggle every day with the fact that I am alone and will likely be alone forever.
I feel like my friends having amazing fiance's and husband's and it's just "not in the cards" for me.
It's not that I don't want them to have this.  I am genuinely happy for them. 
I am absolutely sad at the future of being alone for the rest of my life.
I can do it though. 
It's not like I can't survive and support myself but I didn't want that. 
I didn't want a future alone.  However, it seems like the inevitable future. 

So I'm thinking all these things as my mum goes on and on and on about everyone and their new engagements and weddings.  Does she not understand that this just is crushing me?  I do see how every single person around me is happy and in love and seemingly with men who would go to the end of the world for them and I just seem to really mess up relationships.  Like not just sad or bad breakup but like have to relocate countries/lose a substancial amount of money/hire lawyers...etc.  I am failing at life in the love department.  So this conversation just seemed to go on and on.

Thank goodness it was pouring and I was able to drop off my mum at the entrance so I could park down the street and just try to collect myself.
I just rested my head against the steering wheel took a deep breath and tried not to cry.
I bit my bottom lip and thought to myself...it's okay just get through this class.
And as I walked up to the Yoga studio I was giving myself a pep talk...Reese Witherspoon just got married (for the second time) and lots of people find love after their first marriage. 
I have to have hope...life seems sort of useless without love in it. 
And I get that there is love of your friends blah blah blah but I think people are happier when they have a partner (I don't care if this is an ignorant statement).
So my  head was SWIRLING with thoughts walking into yoga.

It was new instructor.
So I tried to set an intention for yoga.

I thought...its okay to not do this for me...its okay to do this for my friends who I want to set good intentions for.  I can focus for them and sending them positive thoughts. 

I'm not even going to think about myself because honestly I think that my life is too sad when I think about it.  So my intention for yoga was send positive thoughts out to my girls and my breathing and movements would be for them.

I know it's that weird yoga/meditation/talk but I had to try something or else I just would find myself cyclically going over and over all the bad of the last year. 

We began class.
The instructor was awful.
By the halfway point of class 80% of the class wasn't doing the flows because they were disjointed and it seemed like she was pushing just for the sake of pushing or making it a "hard" class.
I found myself getting frustrated at not being able to keep up.
I kept up okay in Eva's 90 minute class and this was a regular (ie. not advanced) 60 minute class.
Then I looked around and realized that only 3 out of 30 people weren't just resting and lying down.
Then people started to leave the class.
That is how bad it was.
After about 5 people left the instructor started saying "this is when you dig deep and complete your practice...it's also too shocking on your body to go from hot to cold so just rest in child's pose and bring your heart rate down and rejoin us when you can."
It got to the point that literally there was 1 person able to do the flows and postures etc.
I definitely will not go back to her class again because I felt like she was doing it for herself (though again the class was so full that she just instructed and walked around and made corrections) and she did not pay attention to or read the class.
My mum also thought that the class was awful and preferred our first instructor.
So after we went past my cousin Bella's house because it was close by.

On the way there she asked where I was yesterday.
I told her at Bella's for a jewellry party which really got her going...
"You can't afford to buy jewellry right now"
Me: "I know which is why I didn't buy anything"
"Well that is rude of you" (wtf)
"I don't think so I explained before I went that I couldn't afford to purchase those things which is why I went over early and stayed late to help her set up and clean up" (go me!)
"Was the jewellry nice or was it just junk jewellry?"
"I thought it was nice"...(ughh seriously could it be any more negative...does she even realize how things sound when they come out of her mouth?)

My mum hasn't been there in awhile.
So she hadn't seen Bella's dog in awhile.
As soon as she saw her she went on and on and on about how overweight the dog was.
Too the point where it was embarrasing.
She asked my aunt and my cousin "What are you doing to the dog?  She is so so fat!! Shame!"
I guess it really bothered her that the dog appeared overweight.
Then she told my aunt she should try hot yoga (so maybe that is a postive sign that she likes it?)  We spent about an hour there.  Then it was time to head home so we left.  I  dropped my mum off first and then headed home myself.

These few weeks of yoga are proving to be a challenge...maybe I just need some legwarmers...

Pics from: http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://elsieyogakula.files.wordpress.com/2007/02/downward-facing-dog.jpg&imgrefurl=http://elsieyogakula.wordpress.com/category/yoga-podcast-episodes/episodes-41-50/&usg=__D8F_zD7_TGqOnVi1MY8uCIzwP5Y=&h=435&w=622&sz=319&hl=en&start=23&sig2=MJJO3HxnUeQXXODugaW-QQ&zoom=1&tbnid=HY3RS9WJvW2lIM:&tbnh=141&tbnw=174&ei=0DKbTe33Dc2ugQeP4JCeBw&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dhot%2Byoga%2Bdownward%2Bdog%26hl%3Den%26biw%3D1276%26bih%3D795%26gbv%3D2%26tbm%3Disch0%2C596&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=821&vpy=496&dur=2968&hovh=188&hovw=269&tx=182&ty=121&oei=vTKbTcfDIcmjtgeS_-jCBw&page=2&ndsp=24&ved=1t:429,r:16,s:23&biw=1276&bih=795, http://www.yogadork.com/news/kim-kardashian-bares-her-yoga-for-the-camera/,