Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Master Plan...breaking out of the vortex of suckholeness

Okay I've been totally dragging ass my feet at making decisions
and actually DOING something.
I passed all the tests I was fretting about.
And instead of being all proactive and having everything organized so I could take a sprinting start... I dwelled...and I dawdled...and I've done NOTHING.

I mean I went to yoga and my temp work and continued with life but I put everything on hold.
I unpacked a bunch of boxes a few weekends ago and just left them.
Organized into groups but untouched and unpacked none the less.
Which is exactly how my life is was...a bunch of things sorted into piles but laying there unpacked...uncommited to a box if you will.

I few of my friend dropped hints lately like...soooo Teagan what's up now that you passed?
And I kind of brushed it off in that I was getting organized etc except really I wasn't.
You see I am was still stuck on how much my #1 goal was to be in my dream place (Florida) working (well frankly married but that is not happening obviously)
and it is impossible and I just need to admit defeat (for now).
I need to stop being sad over Spencer and being a (still cringe when I say it) divorcee
and I just need to do something really anything to break free of this suckhole that is my life.

I am currently stuck.
And someone told me that I just have to figure out a way to go against the inertia and just do SOMEthing.
So I am.
Val and I went to Tim Horton's to come up with the Master Plan...
and with minimal tears shed we came up with one.

First...where to go.
Since I had been looking at jobs basically overseas...and because I think I might be allergic to the cold (well I shouldn't joke around about that because Eva actually is allergic to the cold
but that is a story for another day.)
I love working overseas or being a foreigner (hence the last 8 + years of my life).

So Val tried to pinpoint why I love this and why I want to go away (again).
Here is what I came up with:
  • It's fun discovering new food/culture/life/setting up.
  • You tend to put yourself out there more and it seems like there are more activities to do.
  • You automatically have a cute accent. (I don't care if this is shallow).
  • You are different (therefore more attention..again I know this sounds horrid).
  • I like the weather.
  • Travel opportunities.
  • I don't have the stress of my family.
  • It's not the suckhole that is my home town.
  • The taxes aren't outrageous (thank you Canada).
  • I have more opportunities with work (in terms of what I can do outside of Canada~kind of complicated to explain this fully).
So Val and I talked it out...because in all reality my end goal is still to end up in the South
(what can I say I fell in love with the Southern USA years ago).
Val pointed out that I could still try to pursue this goal while working here and it is easier here with my support system.

Also, in reality when you go away it is very difficult to make a ton of money.
Well let me clarify...a lot of places that are ethical you are working in a foreign country for the "experience" (which actually translates to you won't make near the amount of money you would in North America).  There is an exception to that rule but it involves being unethical and really scamming people in a sense and all kinds of things that I refused to do during my time in Asia.  I will explain it all later but in essence you can make X and do this in North America...or you can earn 3X (literally TRIPLE salary) and you work things "our way"...which so would NOT fly in North America.  So it isn't like some careers where you are lured to a foreign country with house allowance, car allowance and all other kinds of perks (at least not in my field).

If I was to go away the likelihood of me being in this same EXACT position
(ie. finished with another foreign experience with not a bunch of money saved  and searching for some kind of root system) in 2-5 years is very very high.
And lets face it as much as I have fun memories and traveled places I'm whistfully lustful of what my friends have (love and family... which ultimately doesn't come from country hopping).
So it was time to maybe decide to stay here...or at least give it a fair try in my career for a year...if I hated it then I can up and move somewhere foreign.
As a very close friend of mine once said... "nothing's permanent." 

First plan of action:  Move to Toronto for a minimum of 1 year.
Timeframe: by the end of June.
Things essential for this: find a job in Toronto.

Second, part was to deal with Jacob.
As in I need to stop talking to him because it is wrong to talk to him.
So these daily conversations need to stop.

Even if he says things like...
you are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep (hmmmmmm I wonder if you do that while in bed with your fiancee?!?!?! but of course I don't have the guts to say that)...he says things like ...
"I love you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with...I want us to be a family...I miss (fill in the blank with examples of our history together)...I can't wait to see you (because yes at this point we are still talking about meeting up though in my defense I don't think it would ever happen) and be able to hold you and kiss you...
I think about you EVERY SINGLE DAY...

This is all bad bad bad...even though in my vortex of suckholeness I am eating it up.
Just got to stop...cold turkey.

Second Plan of Action: No more talking to Jacob (who is engaged...bad stupid Teagan!!! and yes I totally just refered to myself in third person GROSS!)
Time Frame:  May 24th (Val made me pick a day but I guess that is a good idea).

So really I think I built this up a lot more then what it actually is.
Oops sorry.
So there it is ...I am implementing it already.
I packed and reorganized 20 boxes this weekend (post to come on that!).
I also revamped my CV/resume/work experience.
But I continuously talked to Jacob because I have until the 24th right?
(Val would totally KILL me for saying that haha).

So I apologize for the buildup for a master plan that is kind of lack luster at best.
But here it is anyway.
So I will keep you posted on the progress which has a much better focus now :)
Thanks to a kick in the butt (that I didn't want but desparately needed) from various friends this last week.

PS in case you are wondering I haven't talked/heard from/received Divorce papers from Spencer.  I'm going to have to reach out to him again (I'm just trying to avoid having to fork over the $3400+ that is would cost in this country to get a divorce).  I don't want to reach out to him but I think I will have to...what  a pain in the butt.  I wish I never met him.  I don't care about everything happening for a reason etc. and trusting in God's plan for you life etc.  Woah need to stop doing down that negatory path...  However, Val (who is the FOURTH person to tell me this kind of very specific thing) is glad things ended like this because she didn't want me chopped up and decomposing in a river because Spencer lost it...other friends have said that I don't need a Wikipedia page like Laci Peterson...I apparently didn't see this in him but I guess he really is a sociopath.  Probably will make more sense after I finish my whole exboygriend project.  One day I will never have to ever ever deal with him again.  Thank goodness.  I just wish that since he wanted it to be over he would take some action to finally finish things.  Because I am so ready to move on with my life as evident by my new master plan.

PPS totally using work to blog and job search...what?!?!?! I'm allowed!

Pics from here and here.


  1. I love it. It's so helpful to write things out and get them down on paper rather than thoughts swimming around.

    Hey, have you heard of the Power of Positive Thinking? I'm reading it right now since there are some goals I'm working towards and REALLY want the power to think positively about the outcome, therefore projecting it onto the outcome. I've slowly been reading this book over the last month and a half. It refocuses me in a positive mindset each time. Taking it with a grain of salt, as I take everything, but loving what I am taking from it!

  2. It is super helpful to talk to great friends and to write things down total win win.

    I haven't heard of that book...but it seems like a book I should put on my list because being a negativenancy is not very me but I can sort of veer that way by accident. Thanks for the recommendation :)

  3. If it makes you feel better, I totally blog and look for jobs from work! ;) I'm glad you took the time to set some goals and are working towards them. Keep on hoping for the best and you will get there!

  4. @AnEarly30 - That does make me feel better :) Thanks for the encouragement. xo