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| I feel like this guy... |
So notice at the top explanation thingy for the blog that I would use this to journal to cover my STRUGGLES and other things…as I get to my Paris (which is a euphemism for me being successful and achieving what I want…though I trip to Paris wouldn’t hurt (and is on my top 10 list of places to go next).
The rest of this will very much read like a vent. I am mainly journaling/blogging this so I can look back and remind myself of these events so I can learn my lesson (because at 29 clearly I haven’t learned it yet).
Last night my parent came over to my brother’s house (and if you haven’t figured it out I have been living there since about October). They were coming over because they bought a new house within the last couple of months. It is one floor house that they rent to my Aunt and they converted the basement (fully finished into a 2 bedroom one bath rental unit). Anywho they wanted me to put it on Craigslist etc. to try and rent it out. Since my dad still types an entire email in the subject box they came for me to do it. I already have been feeling pretty sick and under the weather since last weekend and this weekends lack of sleep didn’t really help (oh yea I am working on a weekend update too)…wow I’m really dragging my heals on getting the point of this story out.
So I type it out and update pictures for them all the while they look over my shoulder because they have to have it a certain way which leaves me inside my head thinking…well why don’t you figure it out and do it yourselves because I know whats going to happen people are going to respond via email to your ad and you will have to have me log onto your email in order to respond. But since I carry the ulcer-inducing guilt around of being a total utter failure as their child I do it and keep my mouth shut. So after taking over an hour to complete a simple ad (seriously). I’m finally done…then comes the attacks…
I have some tax checks coming in for a HST (our 13% harmonized sales tax) refund because (shocker) I didn’t make enough money last year so the government feels kind of bad gouging me like that.
Anyway so my mum says, “I have this cheque for you and I think you should give it to me”
I inwardly sighed and readied for battle.
“I can’t afford to do that mum”
“You are being so selfish and you give us hardly anything I need our money”. Woah where did that come from…it certainly escalated a lot faster then I thought.
“Well I told you before that I can only afford to give you 20% of my income because of my lawyer expenses/moving expenses/test taking/professional expenses and you were okay with that before.”
“Well I don’t know where all your money goes…you make X dollars every week and I only get 20% you will never pay me back what you owe me and that is selfish and irresponsible”
Well without getting into ALL of it I will try and simplify…my parents offered to pay for my entire education. Then they changed their mind (after paying). So pretty much they let me know this past year by hauling out a black book they created (oh there will be a post about that!) and arbitrarily scrawling a dollar amount in it ($216,000 to be exact) they have now started “collecting their debt” because they want to retire soon. So fair… maybe I am just a spoiled brat. However, I honestly feel like they did something and then when I didn’t do what they wanted (move back to my hometown and open a business there and live there) they threw it in my face and started making demands. I admit it I have crumbled and starting doing it (contributing to them) as soon as I started working at my dad’s place and even going as far as letting them have power of attorney on my bank accounts to access money (I know it is stupid and I’m working on closing those accounts off). Sorry for the tangent-ey side story but trying to make it all make sense.
“Mum I can’t really talk to you about this because I don’t know how to keep explaining the same thing over and over again to you. Nothing has changed…here is what I spent my money on and I broke it down AGAIN for her (2009 taxes,2010 taxes, paying back ALL the wedding deposits (that my parents had previously paid), and divorce lawyer consultation). Nothing has changed and I’m sorry but honestly this is the most I can do.”
“You are ridiculous and we can’t even talk to you about anything because you just get upset. If I was any d*ck down the street you would l*ck my ass and hand over information on a silver platter. But to your own bloody parents you don’t give a shit”
Need a mum dictionary for that one???
Most of my North American friends don’t get her sayings so…
D*ck down the street = Joe Blow= any old stranger
L*ck their a$$= kiss a$$ but obviously way more intense than that
Okay at this point I’m crying. I don’t tell “any d*ck down the street”/people my “plan” I make up lies so that I gloss over my decisions. No one knows what I’m doing for my plan. But I have to make some kind of conversation when people ask (I work with like 20 family members). So I gloss over my opportunities and make it sound like I’m keeping it together when all I am doing is barely hanging on.
Every morning in the shower I honestly just sob about going into work again and putting a smile on my face. Pretending that everything hasn’t fallen apart. Pretending I’m not the hugest disappointment to my family. Just saying I only have to get through today and I will be one step closer to tomorrow. Every day here in my hometown is a struggle that I suffer through. (Again I realize everything is about “choices” and I’m choosing to stay here in a sense because I have a job and don’t pay rent).
So I reply “I guess I can’t talk with you…there is no secret plan. If I had all this money to give you I would or I would have used it to move to Toronto
“You are disgusting and selfish…I can’t believe you act this way to your parents…you never listen to us and this is how your life turns out. Go to Toronto you will never survive and you will be cut off…permanently and when you fail and have to come back here we won’t help you AGAIN because you are the one that doesn’t listen and you just f*ck up every time”
This felt like having an ice cold bucket of water dumped over my head…and I couldn’t breathe for a moment and I blinked back the hot tears thinking keep them in Teagan. And all I could muster in my defence was “I’m really trying my best and I’m sorry you think it is a mistake after mistake…”
With that they stood up to leave "I can’t believe you…you know when people ask me at work what your plan is…I have to tell them I don’t know because my own daughter doesn’t talk to me. You know Bella tells her mom everything and does everything with her and you are a spoiled brat who keeps secrets”
I felt my heart sink…didn’t she see that with the Yoga classes that I was trying to bond with her? Every time she talks to me she is the most negative person in the world. She obsessively criticizes everything… why would I talk to her about my plans when she just tells me that my plans are stupid and wrong and I will fail. So then they gather their things and leave and her final words “good luck with life you will need it.”
Oh yea and if you’re curious of what my dad does during this he stands silently and observes.
Which is what I'm learnign to do...just absorb it ...don't bother to defend just take it.
I sat in my room with my dog on my lap and sobbed.
I can’t do it and what is the point.
I’m getting whiplash from the back and forth’s of my mum.
Only to have it turn around this morning to have her call and move my hair appointment (where I talked about that here) non-challantely from this Thursday to next Friday (I know I KNOW I should just cancel it). And then ask me to respond to the three emails inquiring about the rental unit. So what do I do? I agree to it because I suck and this is the pattern (that I allow to happen). So you see I am actually the problem not my mum because I let this go on...how about that for a revelation?!
So I'm officially insane...and that quote about "doing the same things and expecting different results= insanity" is what I'm doing. Which is why this past Sunday Val and I came up with a Teagan year/life plan. Seriously it is a huge plan and I’ve been working on a HUGE BIG EXCITING NEWS blog post all about it. Which was completely overshadowed by my dramamama, yet at the same time, confirmed the reason to do this plan.
This morning I feel like I got run over by a mac truck. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and call in sick today at work (but then I won’t earn any money (I don’t get sick days) and that is very counterproductive). So I need to just thicken my skin a little more …suck it up a little more…keep my head down and keep going.
I don’t want to ruin my exciting plan by delving into right now…
I’m just going to try and stick to it and keep trudging (and blog about it another day).
Hang in there lady! I know all too well what it's like to have mamadrama. My mother was a very negative person to me for a long period of my life and we definitely have not always seen eye to eye and still don't. It took me a very long time to figure it out but finally I got some counseling and learned to let the little stuff go and to deal with the big stuff once and for all. It took several conversations with her to make her understand my side of the story and what I felt I had been through and why I was angry and upset with her, and I think that while we are far from a perfect relationship, we have learned to coexist. She baited me a bit the other day when we were on the way to the airport about my hair and I tried to push back on her on it but she let it go and so did I. Mother-daughter relationships are quite tricky - part of the reason I'm thankful to have a son! :) Hang in there lady, things will get better for you soon - I just know it! And please please please don't let her ever make you feel like you are not a good person. Try to let some of that guilt go and try to gain confidence in yourself even though I know it's hard!
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to hear your plan! Sounds like your Mom is emotionally abusive. Have you researched how to deal with emotionally abusive people? I'm sure there's no easy way to deal with it, but the abuse is not right. It's something I've researched over and over and am continuously learning to break the cycle of. I grew up with it, and fortunately my parents have changed, but it's still something I struggle to break the cycle with.
ReplyDeleteHere's an article on it: http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168 . The first and second paragraph are particularly intriguing.
@AnEarly30- Thanks for sharing that. It helps :)
ReplyDelete@PinkSunDrops- I have not looked into that at all and honestly never considered it but reading the link you shared gave me goosebumps and just somehow all fits together and makes sense. It is scary that it is cyclical too. i will definitely have to look into it further. Thank you.