12:42am Release

It's 12:42 am and I can't sleep.
It's a Saturday night.
I'm just staring at the ceiling...
I can hear my brother and his frined rambling on after a night of beer and hockey for them.

Shelby invited me out tonight but I declined.
I just can't do it.
I don't want to go to the bars.
Get all dressed up to feel embarrased.

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing so well and moving on with my life.
And there are nights like tonight.
Where I feel like failure....where the tears just pour down my face and I think what the hell am I doing???

I could not feel more alone.

I don't have anyone to kiss me and tell me I"m pretty or smart or beautiful...and I get it that I'm supposed to tell myself that but really it's not the same at all.

My last hug was when Jane came to visit a few weekends ago.
Should a person really wait that long to have someone hug them and say love you???
I don't think so.

I'm angry and disappointed and frustrated.
I'm so so so angry at Spencer right now.
That he had the nerve to leave me and end a marriage with a phone call.
That he left ME to cancel the wedding contracts and footed me with the entire bill.
That he went to an immigration lawyer and cancelled our petition.
That I moved across the world for him...for us and he just dropped me and has had seemingly 0 consequenses. 
And maybe I'm just all messed up the head but I really REALLY thought he was it... my life partner.

I feel like everything I'm doing now is one big fat settle.
I am settling with my life.
I'm doing what I'm "supposed" to do.
Without passion or excitement or love.
I am going to "settle" here in Canada. 
Work in my career and just get by.
I know I'm supposed to be so excited to move to Toronto but why does it feel like a complete failure.
Like I'm settling because it is the only option right now and that is making me miserable.
It's like Toronto is the best of the worst.

Despite it all I wish things hadn't changed with Spencer.
Though I do get that it is "bettter" that it happened now.
I wish with all my heart I was still planing my dream wedding (which was 95% planned and booked).
I wish I was still moving to Florida (which happens to be one of my favourite places in the entire world).
I wish my phone would ring and have text messages and I would get cards with I love yous and you're beautiful and you're amazing and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I wish I had someone to go to bed with every night.
I wish I had someone to relie on.
I wish I had someone who meant what they said no matter what (because I always do).
I wish my heart wasn't still broken over all of this.

I wish my brother hadn't made the biggest jerk comment tonight to me in front of his friend.
Where he literally said "F*ck your b*llsh*t profession" and my response was just to say "I'm really upset that you would say that and my feelings are completely hurt" and THEN to have him blackberry message me to "not be angry because I speak my mind".  Are you kidding me?!
You totally just knocked me down in front of your friend.
I would never imagine putting him down like that in front of my friends or ripping into him or his career just as viscious as he did tonight.
And to just put down the one big accomplishment in my life.
It is humiliating. 
I'm embarrased and I'm hurt.
That's great really....because I don't already feel like a failure.

I wish I had a family that did the things that Spencer's family did.
Like the constant "I love you's", and phone calls to each other daily, and the hugs and encouragement.
I don't have a close family in that "North American" way.
They do love me and I get that it is just shown in different ways.
It's a lot more harsh and just not affectionate.
Which really blows for soemone like me who is basically affectionate-starving.
Which is why I was so so so so happy with Spencer.  He gave me the attention I craved.  He told me the things I wanted to and needed to hear.
Then it was all ripped away in an instant.
I was left to pick up the pieces and my consulation was a family who had enough "I told you so"'s and "we are always right" and "you never think things through"s to last a lifetime.

I feel like I'm settling into something I don't want.
I have messed up so completely.
Maybe I deserve this.
Maybe this is what "adult" life is like.
You are supposed to just accept stuff and just live each day.

I feel like all I want to do is run away to a different country again.
It was such a better life.
This is like the ultimate failure.
Being alone and here.

I'm trying to be positive and do all these things that are supposed to be all about "focusing on me" and getting back to myself but I couldn't feel more unlike myself if I tried.
I just feel like such a disappointment in every department phsyically, mentally, emotionally.
Heck no wonder I'm all alone.
And instead of feeling hope.
I feel like I'm just consedding.
This is what life is going to be like for me.
So I just better get used to it.
Toughen up get a thicker skin.
I never wanted to be super independant person I've always craved a partner.
I know people say it's wrong but I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of people always leaving.
I know you aren't supposed to depend on anyone to make you feel beautiful and special and loved but I'm not sure I'm one of those people that can give that to myself.
I can't seem to wrap my head around how you don't get that from someone else.

Eva says that I should try Toronto for a year because you can pretty much do anything for a year.
But by June I will have been in Canada for a year.
It feels like a year of hell.
It has been my worse year in a long long time.
I even get that people deal with a lot worse in the world compared  to me.
So why does it just hurt so darn bad.

I am a mess.
Who spends their Saturday evenings crying themselves to sleep  to blog.
I just want to scream.
This is not what I wanted.
This is not what I've worked so hard for.
This is not what I moved across the world for.
It's unfair...but I guess the saying is life is unfair.
I wish I could just fast forward until it wouldn't hurt so much.

I feel like there is just so much hurt and upheaval and I'm so uncomfortable.
I feel like THIS can't be right.
I'm not sure what to do.
I am a wreck.
I am just venting because I have to get this out.

It's now officially 1:24 am.
Time to try and sleep.
So that one more day can pass.
I feel like a kid on the longest car ride ever.
And I just want to ask God or the universe or mother earth or someone...anyone ...
"are we there yet?" 
Because I'm just about done with this car ride.