Subconscious conscious conversation with Jane

So last night I was talking to Jane and giving her the run down of what it was like to unpack the things from Spencer returning all my stuff from my life in Asia.
Of course we kind of do the whole loop conversation of everything that has happened from these last 2-3 months and then she said, "you know this is all so weird that I think at some point we may look back on this time in your life and wonder if it ever really happened."  I know it is definitely surreal and complicated and unlike anything I have ever heard about which leaves me so darn frustrated!

Jane tried to reason with me that I've had a rough last 2-3 months and a crazy last 5 years really.  I mean I have lived in 3 different countries, graduated from an undergraduate and doctorate degree, started a career, got engaged/married, and many many more crazy things.  Jane assured me that really maybe THIS is the bottom of the barrel THIS is the worst the lowest of the low and it is all up from here.  2011 is the start of my upswing in life.

So in a burst of caffeine and giddy girl chat-induced-non-thinking-stupor I blurted out "well if this is NOT the bottom and 2011 doesn't end up better maybe I will just disappear, change my name, move to a different country, dye my hair blond, choose a new career, and start all over."

Then Jane said the most profound thing ever..."Teagan didn't you already try that."

I sat in stunned silence thinking about it because it really felt like a stream of subconscious and a blurting out of words without a cortical drive behind it (which I KNOW is impossible).

She is right in a sense...I have "disappeared" in a sense from my Canadian girls' lives, and moved/travelled to multiple different countries.
In 2004 I moved to Texas.
In 2008 I moved to Pennsylvania.
In 2009 I moved to Asia.
In 2010 I moved from Asia thinking it would be to the South USA but ran into complications that I thought was a temporary (now not so temporarily hold) in Canada.
Each move in a sense was "starting over".

Between 2004-now I have travelled to Australia, Fiji, New Zealand, Portugal, Spain, USA, Canada, Dominican Republic, Singapore, Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia and South Korea.  I totally have the travel bug and I love it and realize I'm pretty lucky to have been where I have.

My hair has been blond...really blond think like Kendra Wilkinson/Holly Madison blond which is a big shift considering I have the natural hair colour of Kim Kardashian.

I have in a sense chosen a new career because I didn't finish with just my undergraduate degree.

The only things I really haven't done is change my name ...wait a second if you count getting married then I HAVE freaking changed my name (not officially/legally)...oh my god I'm a mess!  Either that or my subconscious is playing a big fat joke on me.

Jane then as gently as possible when she gave me a moment to process said, "why don't you give being Teagan a chance...in the country she is from...with her really good friends."

That is where I'm torn.  I never wanted to live in Canada (let me explain!) part of me cried for more adventure, a break from the mundane, was so worried about getting stuck behind, more so getting stuck in my city where I grew up.  I always said I didn't know why people would purposely choose to live where it is cold and miserable 3-5 months of the year.  I want to live where I love and I want to love where I live.  I don't want to be one of those people that lives for their vacation to a warmer climate.  I wanted to grab life by the reigns and live my dream life.  Safe to say I've hit a few barriers on that road of life.  Also safe to say at this point I have no choice.  I can't run away in the immediate future to a different country (plus I think my parents and friends might disown me if I did this AGAIN).  So Canada it is...for now.  However, I need to start consciously liking it more (tough to do with this sh*tty January weather).  I need to look at the things I do love about Canada...I mean it could be way WAY worse.  I think part of it is it felt like I was getting my DREAM PERFECT LIFE and then it was all taken away in an instant (thank you d*psh*t Spencer).  So I guess I will try Jane's suggestion (not that I have a choice really...it is the only logical and smart decision at the moment).  So I will force myself to like it...fake it 'till you feel it or what not.

Despite what is written above.
I really am very proud and grateful to be Canadian.
xoxo
Teagan