I've been like that forever.
Since I was really little (like 7) and counted down on a calender when my parents took their first week long vacation without me and my brother (I know how dare they haha).
Then in high school with cheerleading competitions.
Then University with birthday parties etc.
Now mainly trips and other big events
It is officially 0 sleeps until Taylor gets here...she gets here today.
It feels surreal, I don't actually feel like she is coming here.
I am happy.
It does make me sad if I overanalyze it because this trip was booked because I
I know she is coming here to help get me back to the Teagan I used to be.
If I dwell on that too much I think I might cry.
So I'm trying to focus on it being just one of our "ruining a city" trips.
And it will be great...I have so much fun stuff planned.
Maybe if I have enough stuff planned we can spend 0 time talking/focusing on Spencer.
I think I've already spent too much wasted time on that.
So last night I couldn't sleep at all.
I think it MUST be my excitement for Taylor to get here.
But then I start to think.
I've been doing so good lately.
Then I was perturbed by a conversation with Ex-Jacob (these posts are coming soon).
Then I started to think about Ex-Spencer.
It has been almost 3 weeks since talking to him.
Glad I'm waiting on an update about the lawyer/divorce situation etc.
I've totally given up hope of ever having a conversation of just exactly what happened to us.
Here is the short version:
Yes he ended our marriage via a 8 minute phone call from another country. Seriously.
He doesn't think it would be actually important to meet face to face to end this relationship.
But first he just stopped talking to me for 3 weeks because he was contemplating re-enlisting (used to be in the military) and some of his friends passed away (who were currently serving in the military...3 within a week) and his job wasn't going as planned ~civilian job (we made the decision for him to take a pay cut to move us both from Asia back to North America) and he was frustrated at our situation (long-distance due to immigration issues) and I do recognize he was frustrated at me (I wanted him to put more effort in the long-distance relationship).
I thought I should respect his space he requested to sort things out.
I felt the stress and strain in his voice.
I thought it was more of life (I mean I know our situation didn't help but I thought he was dealing with all these other things).
I had NO idea he would come to the conclusion that he wanted out of our engagement/marriage.
I never thought anything could break the vows we made to each other.
Surely this was just the "worse" of for "better or worse".
I'm still stunned.
I likely will never get any closure.
I think this will make more sense when I fully explain things via ExBoyfriend Project when it comes to Spencer. (For example the reason I keep referring to it as an engagment/marriage is because most people thought we were engaged but we actually got married in a small civil way overseas to enable things to work better for employment/immigration/insurance issues. However we were planning the big traditional wedding for September 2011 for our families and friends and us to say our vows. We kept it a secret more because I didn't want judgment and I wanted to enjoy all the traditions for a wedding and I thought my parents would freak out and besides we were going to be together forever right?).
Anywho I sat awake last night staring at the ceiling going over and over our relationship.
What the hell had happened?!
And just like that all the progress that I thought I made...disappeared.
As the tears rolled down my face.
This is what I'm destined for I thought.
Alone in bed, in a cold room, staring at the ceiling, crying.
Great. (I am desperately in need of a sarcasm font).
Taylor would so NOT be impressed right now.
Not after she is busting her butt to get here (hello international travel (3+ hours of flying) is not what everyone does for a weekend!)
So I dried my tears and started planning things to wear for this weekend.
I know call me trivial and materialistic.
I'm just tired of crying (and I barely have cried at all in 2011).
And I was exausted but couldn't sleep.
I couldn't just lay there crying and going over and over this failed relationship/engagement/marriage.
I have to force myself to focus on my friends and all the fun we will have this weekend.
Don't think about him.
Don't think about him.
Don't think about what I could have done different.
Don't wonder what he is doing right now.
Don't wonder what his family thinks.
Don't wonder if I will always be alone.
Think about my girlfriends (they are awesome).
God they have their lives so "together".
How long can I be this flakely fall apart sad girlfriend before they are "over it".
Okay I can't think like that because then I would really be in a dark hole.
Taylor will surely put a smile on my face.
All the stuff I planned I think she will love and I will also love doing.
So much of this planned stuff will be my first experience too.
I usually go over the top when my significant other visits but it's about time I started to do that with the people that are good to me and stick by my side...like Taylor.
We will be spoiled this weekend with my activities and plans.
Some of these activities will give me confidence and being around Taylor does to.
Geez I really need to get back to my old "self".
Thank goodness Taylor is coming today.
|This is not us but just like us all at once. A blond and a brunette. Besties. That have been through triumphs, love, heart ache, betrayal, tears, and laughter. I really need this weekend more than anything.|
Here's a little Brooke Davis (from Season 2 Episode 22) wisdom that really applies today...