Life Decisions

So I'm anxiously still awaiting the Provincial results.
I think they are mailed from what Shelby can remember and due to the fact that 3/4 correspondence with them in the past is via snail mail I think that is how it goes.
And remember what a nightmare that was for the provincial test?  (read here at the bottom!)
And was is so super duper annoying is that I cannot proceed at all in any fashion until I get that mail.
As in there are forms and numbers that I can't get online.
Which is driving me nuts!

Partially because I practically want to jump out of my skin.
I'm done waiting...I'm tired of being patient...I feel like I might just scream at someone at any moment because I'm tired of all of it and I just want to get the heck up out of here.
I feel like I've been standing on a ledge and the cramping in every part of my body is unbearable and I just want to jump.
Of course I want to jump and land gracefully and poised just like a superheroine.

So this morning my dad stops by my desk to let me know that there was still no mail because all my official/professional things currently go to their address.
Granted it apparently takes 6 weeks which is technically this Saturday coming up.
And my dad (ever the patient and ever the most relaxed person on this planet) says, "Teagan relax its not like you are going anywhere any time soon.  You have to just settle down and realize that you will likely be here until the end of the year."

My blood boiled instantly and I calmly (while wanting to scream and throw a huge hissy fit and flip my desk etc) said, "When I get those results I'm out of here.  This is hell for me and you should be happy I'm considering Canada and not a different country."
Dad says, "Well that hasn't really worked for you before now has it Teagan" ouch that felt like a cold hard smack to the face.
I defiantly stuck my chin up and said, "I'm leaving as soon as those result come in."

What I REALLY felt like yelling was...I get it...I get that EVERYtime you have told me not to do something and I did...you were "right"...I get that...I really do...but it's also easy to have the world's most negative outlook ever and then to say "I told you so"...but I can't just do what you want me to do because it makes me MISERABLE...I have hated these last few months here...it has sucked any happiness or Independence I once had out of me...and I hate myself here...I desperately want out of here and I will be leaving...also by doing the things and making the choices I have made I have had some amazing life experiences...these last two years if I had stayed in Canada maybe I would have a house and be more established in my career...but I wouldn't have hiked a volcano just to watch the sunrise in Bali...gotten a Thai massage in Thailand... ridden an elephant in  Thailand with my bestie Taylor while drinking Heinnikens (it was so hot that I actually drank beer!)... had drinks in a pool with new best friends in Bintan (Indonesia)...chartered a private boat just to go snorkeling in Malaysia...placed my painted handprint on a cement dam with hundreds of school kids in Korea...danced on a beach at 4am with thousands of other people in Singapore to world renowned DJs...my mistakes and "bad decisions" have lead to things that I cherish about my life...so I'm going to continue to screw up if it means all of that!!!!  Holy schmoly that was a vent and a half.

Unless the reason I haven't gotten anything in the mail is because I failed.
Ughh I refuse to fall back into a panic induced depression over the slim chance I failed the provincial part.
I'd rather make mistakes and make choices with my life that I can live with.
I guess what it comes down to is no rewards come without any risk.
I just have to be a little more careful with my heart.

PS the weather here sucks we got 15 cm of snow over night but the ice is what keeps knocking out the power and all I'm trying to do is post darnnit!