Chapter X-48: A Continuing Nightmare and Moving On

I really really wish this wasn't continuing on like it is.

Especially with Spencer who was supposed to file on May 1st for the Divorce in Florida.

I have had zero information or contact from him.

 

I did send him an email (around the 15th) both pleading requesting an update and asking if I should proceed and file here (which again I don't want to do mainly because of the fact that it will cost ME $3600+ versus less than $500 for him to file there).

Nevermind all the money I lost with wedding deposits etc.

It is especially painful because of wanting to move to Toronto and just move ON with my life.

ANDDDDD nothing..no response whatsoever.

Really I should not be surprized.

 

This weekend with Jane and Brooke beside me I called him.

And it is like a fax tone or something when I call.

Like one long beep and then silence.

Maybe he has blocked my number???

I have no idea because I have never had a problem with someone blocking me.

Which I find both humiliating and frustrating.

 

So I sent him an email today ...

 

 

Spencer,

 

I've tried to get a hold of you numerous times to see what is going on.

I believe the phone number you most recently gave me has possibly changed.

You stated last that you had everything prepared and would file for divorce in Florida on the first of May.

Could you confirm this at all?

Please let me know a contact number or information for you.

I would like this to be finalized as soon as possible, as you wished.

I would appreciate it if we could finish this because ideally I would like to not have to keep reaching out to you.

I also would prefer not to have to contact your family for contact information.

 

Teagan

I wish this nightmare of Spencer would just end and be done with.
I have a feeling I'm still going to get stung a few more times before I can finally move on.
I would love nothing more then to never ever ever have to speak to him again.
I just don't understand if he wanted to not be married to me.
Why is he dragging his heels and making this impossible?
I have a feeling I may never understand.

Job Interview(s)

So I woke up bright and early Thursday morning to head to the TDot
for my first career job interview in Canada.
I dressed up all snazzy and professional and started driving.


About 20 minutes into my drive on the high way I notice a missed call.
It must have been the blaring Britney CD I had going to pump myself up.
And it was a second job interview for a different job in Toronto.
So I called back to schedule an interview for later that afternoon.


An hour or so into the drive I was sweating.
Okay obviously it was way too much hype from Britney and bobbing around in the car.
So I turned the AC on blast and held my elbows out
(I was totally sweating through my blue striped Banana button up dress shirt ~the new one I talked about here).


So I arrive at this job and it is totally in my dream location.
As I pulled up to the GORGEOUS building right smack downtown in the TDot.
I found myself quickly daydreaming of how cool it would be to take the subway to work.
Catch lunch downtown and live right near the dreamjob.
Then I forced myself to focus because I didn't land the job yet.


So as I walked into the lobby of the dreamjob... I fell in LOVE.
It was beautiful and modern and loft like and open and full of light.
I could totally see myself here.

I find it so surreal being on job interviews.
It is weird and awkward and uncomfortable.
The whole experience is weird to me.
The whole time trying to prove your awesomeness.

 I met with the two owners.

Is it weird that I sometimes still feel like I'm playing dress up?
Anywho...
And had a great vibe.
I kept telling myself to take a deep breath and calm down because the more I talked to them the more I realized I really wanted to work there.
And the more excited I got and I didn't want this to translate into desperation or immaturity.


So it was all going great.
Really the only crazy part is when the financial aspect came up.
It is super hard to explain but in my field sometimes they pay straight up commission...
as in commission only no guaranteed money at all.
Zip Zero Zilch.
At least waitresses get some sort of guaranteed money.
This is very VERY stressful.
Especially because I want to live in a very VERY expensive city.
The other option is basically to rent space (but I don't have any way to really do that).
It is definitely a conundrum because some people view it as amazing potential...whereas worryworts like me don't understand how you are supposed to live with 0 guaranteed income.
And if you are asking NO I didn't know this before pursuing my profession because it didn't used to be like this at all.  It used to be you had some sort of base to at least get you by.  This is a more recent thing (the last 3 year+ in Canada).
So ummmm how do you budget that??? In a very expensive city.
Stressed!


The good news they have already called and I have a second interview scheduled for Monday.
This is great great news.
I'm nervous and definitely have to get prepared for it.
I'm trying NOT to focus on the financial aspect of it though it has me very very very stressed.
And I could totally tangent into the fact that I spent 6 figures on my education to come out to a job that is all commission...wtf!

Moving on...
So the great thing was I was able to meet Eva for lunch at Yorkdale
(the mall I went to with Taylor read here).
We had a wonderful lunch and got to shop around for a bit.
Eva was doing great with less than 10 days until her wedding.
She didn't seem very stressed at all!
I walked her to her car and gave her a big hug and told her this would be so great to be able to do on a regular basis.

Then I headed out to my second interview.
Which was a really cool and different focus job.
Nothing that I have ever seen before.
The president of the company loved me.
The head of what would be my department ...not so much.
Thought it is technically the same overall field ...he is not the same profession.
Honestly he had this kind of skeptical pursed lips/smirk across his face the entire time.
Kind of like this...

Annoying right???  And he wasn't as cute as the guy above.
So I just did my best.
I found out in the last year they have been through 8 of my profession!
Which is likely more of a testament to this guys ability to work with others.
He also asked me, "do you have any references that aren't from Asia."
Which I found rude actually.
But yet humorous because the guy was Asian in ethnicity!
I totally got a weird vibe from him the whole time.

Here is my super weirdo personality though.
I can totally work with jerks and egomaniacs...I'm so good at putting a smile on my face at the most ridiculous tasks and smoothing things over.
And am totally open to working with other professions in my field.
I actually do so quite well.
In fact I don't think there are many people (in my profession) who can suck back their ego for the good of the person you are providing services for.
In a sense I felt like "hey buddy I'm so your ideal candidate!"
Heck I've sucked up any professional ego I could have had and have been working as a receptionist for 6+months. (Obviously didn't tell him THAT).

However, after talking to theGirls about it they were like...yes Teagan you are great with working with people like that but it would totally SUCK...and would be draining on you and you don't need to constantly prove your profession to someone else.
So I tried not to be so bummed when yesterday I got the "we selected another candidate" email.

Plus the dreamjob (minus financial issues) second interview is Monday.
Now I have to just knock their socks off and figure out how I can swing it financially.
Because I need to move to Toronto and I need to do it soon.

Also random follow up my cousin Bella ...
(remember who was supposed to move with me to the TDot.)
MIGHT get a promotion in my hometown so she says she wants to "move in September" to the TDot now.  Ummm rightttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt (totally don't believe it).
Which just makes it a lot more difficult to figure out how to move without a roommate.

But maybe I should take a positive outlook.
Maybe having flatmates again can be fun.
It was great for me when I was in Singapore.

I'm trying not to let these hurdles get in the way of doing what I need to do.
The alternative is just too depressing.
I just have to stay focused and believe that things will work out.
They have to.




Images from here, here,

Back to the Blog

it's unusual for me to be away.
And to not have posts in advance.
But I slacked...oopsie.

So much to catch up on.
Including but not limited to (I'm such a dork)...

• Job Interviews (yup with an S)
• Ottawa Trip
• Toronto Trip (yes in the same weekend).
• A Lululemon Bridal Shower.
• Dress shopping (turns out that long dress here wasn't doing it for me).
• Lecture from the Fam (what long weekend would it be without one).
• Train rides from hell.
• Scoring a number or was it my number was scored?
• PeptoBismol Shots in a bar (not taken by me obviously).
• Chewing on contacts.
• Bridesmaids movie review.
• Books on tape.
• The 'brary Drama.
• Yesterday was the 24th...lots of significance will explain later.

Gosh so much has happened so I will work on updating it all.

But in fun distracting celebdramagossip KimK news (because she can make me feel better about so many things like my curvy figure and she had a failed first marriage).
She apparently got engaged! (curb the emerald eye girl action... and just be happy for her is what I'm going for... besides how can you be envious of someone you totally don't know? Bizarre right?)
Anywho...big congrats out to the BEAUTIFUL Kim Kardashian soon to be Humphries.
Because though my emerald eyes may shine... the truth of the matter she gives me hope for my (body/lovelife/success) future.

Off to blog some posts!



Pics from imnotobsessed.com

Oh Ott-aw-a!

So I know I have barely caught up with last weekend's update.
Thought it was hardly exciting by any means.
But I'm so super duper excited for this weekend coming up!
because last week I bit the bullet and bought a train ticket to see my friend Brooke in Ottawa.
(Train ticket because that is only $250 versus the ginormous airfare which is more than double that).

I've been meaning to go hang with Brooke (one of the Waterloo girls)
in Ottawa since she moved there last year.
It is going to be so much fun!
It will be a great adventure and time to catch up on my blog posts too
because they have free wireless on the trian.
I will be gone from Friday-Tuesday to take advantage of the long weekend in Canada (which I will post about soon.)

I'm so excited to hang out in our countries capital with one of my best friends from uni!
It will be nice to try and explore the city.
I've only really been there for one day so I have never really spent time exploring the city.
Yea for fun girly weekends.
I'm totally looking forward to getting away and having a vacation :)

Interview Thursday

So I called the potential new job this morning to schedule an interview.
It is Thursday at 11am in the TDot.
I don't know any specifics yet so I'm trying not to get too excited.
Now I just have to pick a killer outfit and be ready to go.
Nervous.
But a good nervous I think.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So remember when I talked about my dream job (read here).

They JUST called for an interview.
Of course I was way too freaked to actually answer the phone when they called!
So now I'm going to call them back first thing in the morning.
Mainly because I need to calm down and de-stress and
KNOW that I am absolutely the best person for this job.
It is PERFECT for me.  I am perfect for this job.

I just need to think out my strategy fully.
Think of how the whole interview thing goes again.
Have my plan of why I left my previous place and haven't been working in my field for about a year.
That is less along the lines of following my fiance/husband and more along the lines of wanting to be back in Canada and better my career etc.
Yipes I'm nervous.
But this could be perfect and just the window of opportunity I was looking for.
Fingers crossed.

Retail Therapy

So in a weird dejavu flash back moment.

It had been a rough week.

My mum had been in super dramamama form and I was feeling beat.

So my dad on Friday turned to me and handed over the credit card saying...

"Teagan why don't you go shopping...really treat yourself, get some new clothes".

And believe it or not I did take a second to think about it.

Then I thought about how EVERY time before my brother goes away on a trip or vacation (2-3 times per year)  he goes and gets "vacation clothes" on my parents dime.

While I scrimp and save for clothes and rarely shop (now).

And as I was thinking of this...I thought...why NOT.

Why do I keep punishing myself when it is being offered like this?

Well I know why I usually don't.

Because these things tend to come with heavy duty strings chains attached.

Except...

Except when my dad offers his specific credit card 

and I know it is because it is his way to try and give me some relief 

from being given such a hard time from my mum.

 

So Saturday morning I got up and put on a comfy shopping outfit...tights/tanks/grandpa cardigan/boots/and scarf and headed off to go shopping.

Here is my obligatory MODG toilet shot.

AND yes I do think everything is better with pockets!

Random blather-ey side note...I love bags from stores...especially stiff thick bags that make you feel important while carrying them.  I know this is a rather screwed up and materialistic way to look at things but I love the feeling of swinging an armful of beautiful shopping bags.  I wonder whose job it is to design shopping bags?  I wonder if there is a special school for that?  Anyway I LOVE the lobster on the Old Navy bag ...it makes me think of summer :)  SO moving right along...

The loot...here we go.

At first I thought I needed to stock up on some basics. 
Like camisoles that I love to wear under dress shirts (especially because my brothers dryer had a penchant for chewing the straps on mine).

Then some bras...I buy the same kind because I sure do love them.

I think I most love the pretty patterns on the inside.

Really can it get better than animal print and polka dots?

The next basic I got was a black open cardigan. Made of a really soft thin cotton.

Then a thicker one that is basically the same as my gray one that I wore shopping that I practically live in because it is so darn comfortable...and it has pockets!

Then I knew I had to be semi responsible and pick up some things I could wear to work.

I am going to preface this with that I usually hate dress shirts.

I think they make me look like a boy.

I just don't think they are very flattering.

On a boy = super sexy.

On me= awkward!

But none the less I've been searching for some.

The criteria is that they couldn't be low cut (and I was surprised how many are...as in if you bend over you can see right down = not so good on the job!)

The other thing is I wanted a good quality one that would be of good enough quality that it wouldn't look worn out after three washes.

Enter the Banana Republic Monogram non-iron button up shirts.

And because they seemed decent I picked them up in black sateen.

Classic White Cotton.

And a blue striped.

Then a bright summery silk ruffled top. 

A silk top in blues and greens that felt really fresh.

A cardigan (I love cardigans!) that I could layer with the top above or...

This cute dress below...I'm totally blanking on what this pattern is called right now.

And yes I realize that brings the dress count up to 19 but I'm such a "dress" girl.

This long strapless dress I thought would be perfect for walking around paired with some fun jewelry.

This short dress could be paired with tights and my riding boots in the cooler months and super cute strapy sandles in the summer. (Yes I know nineteen and twenty!)

So really that was it.

I do have to say I'm super proud that I stuck with what I sort of needed (minus dresses oops!)

I didn't buy any new shoes/bags/accessories which I don't really need.

And I don't have the guilt of just getting whatever.

I really paired it down and edited and eliminated a ton out.

So that is how I spent part of my weekend...total retail therapy.

Thanks to my dad.

Blogger Blows but my Friends are Fabulous!!!

So I lost two blog posts after the whole "blogger down" issues.
After searching (and cursing my computer) and checking my drafts folder (gone still).
I was bummed.

Until one of my besties...was able to pull it off here newsfeed!
So they are saved and you can see them here and here.
I sometimes need to realize that all the drama and stress of things that get thrown at you in life...some people are not as lucky as me.
I have the most amazing and beautiful and supportive friends on this planet.
Seriously...I don't know how I got so lucky.

She is also one of my blog-spirations check her out here at AustinSunDrops especially if you love travel, off the map amazing places, beautiful photography, family values, gorgeous kiddos, and inspiration all around.

I'm one lucky duck.

Friday Night Fun

I'm still kind of mad at blogger right now for erasing yesterdays post....grrrrrrr...moving on.
Well my roots have been calling out desparately for some much needed highlights.
So after work today I headed in.


My fav hairdresser at my mum's spa was doing it (she has been doing my hair since I was 15).
She first chastised me for not colouring it since February (oops).
I didn't fil her in on the mamadrama of having to pay for it (can't and won't do at this point).

I love how she does my hair because let's face it...
my hair is black so it can look really skunky with highlights.
She does it subtle enough that I think it is a pretty caramely-brown.


So we start and I had a super weird reaction.
I'm not sure what it was but as she was combing through a toner on my hair.
I felt so upset and the swirl of thoughts in my head was all about Spencer.
Maybe it was because I tried to call him this morning (to no answer obviously).


It was like I all of a sudden got choked up...
like the tears were going to start to pour down my head.
And in my head I thought...quick Teagan think something else.
Think about the next two weekends, and moving to the TDot
and working in your career and all the good stuff.
So I managed to push them back somehow.

I then headed home and still feeling on the verge of tears.
So weird.
I'm not sure why.
Things are coming together and I have my plan and I'm moving forward.
Maybe it's because of Friday the 13th haha...
but I had planned on pulling a little Taylor Swift action and tihnking that it is actually lucky.

Here is some pics of my hair and my comfy bum clothes at home.
Sorry for the rando blocked face but I'm just not there yet for sharing.
Maybe one day.
As I uploaded these pictures to this post...

I realized what I wanted to be able to think about myself and do I dare say it...
maybe I do think so a little bit...
Deep breath...

I'm too pretty and nice to be sitting at home on a friday night.

I deserve to be going out and enjoying life and laughing and flirting and being WHO I AM...
Which is not someone that sits at home by herself on a perfectly good Friday night.
I cannot let this ridiculousness continue.
I am making my moves and soon I won't be wasting my Friday nights.
I promise.


Oh yea and in case you're wondering...I didn't have to pay for it.

I think Blogger erased my last post on purpose because it was too much suckholeness for one post

Not going to try to repeat at this point.
Maybe later.

(This is where I would have put a screencapture pic
of when Carrie accidentally finds the box of her Wedding Dress
in the first Sex and the City Movie but I can't find it.)

And I'm just so frustrated and upset right now.
After spending 2 hours on Tuesday helping my mum on the computer.
She called yesterday night to have me switch things with a Kijiji ad (which is like Craigslist).

She literally wanted to READ me line by line on what to change.
Then she had me call them for a different ad she had tried to do and didn't seem to post...
so I spent another 2 hours last night doing those things.
So last night I told her it would be faster and easier if she just did them on her computer herself.
I do admit I was trying to get out of doing it.
I'm just annoyed that my parents can run companies but claim they can't email or post an ad on craigslist.
I feel like telling them ...look I never took a class on how to "learn how to use email" or "how to use craigslist" I just TRIED and it is self explanatory and therefore you teach yourself.
I never had a magical ability to understand computer things...I feel like I'm really not very technologically savvy myself.   

Anyway.. today she called me at work to b*tch me out tell me
I should just do the 4 other Kijiji ads (she needs done) based on what she can tell me over the phone.
And that I was being a brat for not being excited or wanting to do these things because they do so much for me (true but with chains attached *which is way stronger than strings in case you are wondering). 
AND she then dropped the bomb.
After all she " had to pick up YOUR useless wedding dress yesterday"
I don't know if it was the wedding dress or the useless part that hurt more.
I just know I'm blinking back tears that are poking my eyes like hot pokers right now.

Loose Ends and Tight Beginnings

Hmmm my title sounds kind of dirty but I'm going to roll with it.

Sometimes I don't want to devote things to long drawn out posts  (I said SOMETIMES).

Who know I could always change my mind.

So here goes the tying up loose ends...

• Finishing up the packing/organization/spring cleaning slotted for this weekend (doing a little bit every day but anticipate that this weekend I will finish it all...maybe a post for that).
• Mother's Day Dinner our on Monday (because my mum went away for the weekend with my dad)...and it went okay even though there was complaints about it.  Though I'm not sure how you can complain when my brother and I dropped $432 +15% tip on dinner...guess there will be complaints either way.
•  
• I will be attending Eva's wedding solo at the end of the month...my buddy Will can't come partly because of Memorial Day but I also think majorly because of his gf ~fair enough.
•  
• Eva wanted to introduce me to a friend of her fiance's at the wedding so she was happy that Will wasn't coming with me UNTIL this friend of her fiance's RSVP'ed with a wedding date...bummer!
•  
• Eva thinks there are 4 people going solo to this wedding our age...4 (me, Val, Shelby, and Brooke) therefore this girl won't be participating in any wedding make-out debauchery...double bummer!
•  
• 40 days of yoga pass ran out...I learned mommy and me activities are best left for others.  I only hit 18/40 days which is rather discouraging.  But I guess I could look at it that each hot yoga class only cost $2.22/class which is AMAZING and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself for not doing all 40 days.
•  
• To make things easier I have made a box for Spencer's stuff so I don't have to linger or keep bumping into it and it will be easy to burn return to him later.
•  
• I still haven't heard from Spencer but am stuck on what to do.  I still want him to do the divorce on his end just because it is cheaper and really he should do SOMETHING because he wanted to end it all.  Will thinks I should call him daily until I talk to him...I'm not so sure.
• Last night I spent two hours trying to help my mum put ads on kijiji and check her email...it was frustrating because my parents sometimes feign lack of understanding when they don't want to do things themselves...annoying.
• I am so ready to be done working at my dad's place...it is just boring and stagnant and not my passion BUT has enabled me to save some money (and be able to blog and basically do what I want) so I really can't complain I'm just ready to move on with my life.

Tight (tight=awesome and new) beginnings

• Applied for 5 jobs in the TDot today (including a DREAM job)...fingers crossed.
• My mum called and LITERALLY wanted to read me changes so that I could change things on kijiji ad for her...I told my mum she needs to learn how to do kijiji ads and check her email (I have provided her HAND WRITTEN instructions)...she is pissed but this needs to happen.
• Talked to Will today on the phone for an hour and it was great to catch up with my best friend from graduate school.  He is planning on coming to visit (it is only about 2.5 hours from his city to mine though it does involve a border crossing).  However, he wants to bring the gf (and how could I say no right?)  Despite the fact he is ONLY a friend and there has never been anything between us I'm a little bummed that he is bringing her (can't pinpoint why I just am).
• Will almost kicked my butt for (still...well only until the 24th-read here about that) talking to Jacob...he said "Teagan you HAVE to stop talking to him he has been nothing but a liar and a scumbag with a FIANCEE and has never done anything right by you...go make-out with random chefs or something but really you are wasting your time and heart with this douchbag."  Now you know why Will was my best friend in school haha.
• I have phone interview tomorrow for some temp work (not having anything to do with the 5 jobs I applied for today) in my career...kind of nervous for it but excited.
• Hair highlighting Friday :)
• My brother is going to Vegas for 5 days on Friday...which means I will have the whole place to myself all weekend!  He isn't worried about me having a party or anything he was teasing me that maybe I would have a bookclub meeting or something haha.
• Might return to the library again this weekend and get some good books.
• I'm trying to figure out a better way to organize MyExBoyfriend Project.  Also am trying to figure out if I just pick a day a week to contribute because sometimes writing is sad and draining (obviously the Spencer chapters especially right now when they all the good times and the falling in love and it is still kind of recent)...maybe I will alternate Spencer chapters and older chapters...any suggestions are welcome.

Do you ever feel like you are teetering on the brink of change?...I'm right there I feel like these next couple of weeks are going to have some big huge changes...there is a charge or anticipation in the air...I'm ready to bust through the inertia of suckholeness and move on to getting back to myself.

Pic from here and here

Possibly a window...

So you know the whole when one door closes a window is open or maybe it's another door opens or when God closes doors he opens windows or something like that.

Well I wasn't going to post about this BUT I'm so excited I'm practically jumping out of my chair and arm flapping around.

I wasn't going to but I am just way way too excited to not write this down.

There is a job posting that JUST came up
coincidentally as I posted my Master Plan post (see here).
Anywho without getting into too many specifics.

It is SMACK downtown TDot aka Toronto.
It is focusing on my specialty.
There one line posting says that my specialty is an asset :)
I've been told recently by a lot of people that I'm good at what I do (GREAT ego boost).
This opportunity could be really really great.
So I hunkered down fixed my resume and wrote an email and just hit send.
And I'm so excited at this possible amazingly perfect window of opportunity.
It is almost too good to be true.
I will keep you posted.

It is definitely a step in the direction against the inertia of suckholeness.
I could not be more excited though I keep TRYING not to get too excited.
Way totally too late for that.



Pic from here

Chapter X-48: Darkness on the edge of town*

So it was last left off that Spencer would file for the divorce
after he received his paycheck from his new job on the 1st (of this month) read here.
Since I haven't heard anything I knew I needed to message him.

You see I'm desperate to avoid paying the $3600 in divorce fees here.
Especially when it is less than $400 in his state to file (and apparently no need for separation).
This is also way WAY better then his stupid ridiculous idea to go to the Dominican Republic for the weekend for a quickie divorce...did you miss that (you can read about that here).

So I sent him this email today.

Did you have a chance to file yet?
I would appreciate it if it could be finalized as soon as possible or to at least know if I need to proceed here.
Thanks.

To the point and not bitchy (I don't think).
Part of me still want to ream him out and send a nasty email of "how could you's" and "I trusted you's" and "you didn't even try" and "you didn't even FACE me to end our marriage" and tell him he is "an awful jerk to do this" but I restrain myself...after all what would be the point.
The end goal is a fast and painlessaspossible divorce.
It would be the least he could do nice for him to pay half the expenses that occured because of things he had asked for and wanted.
Pretty sure I never proposed to myself...but I did control my own actions in saying yes.
It would be amazing and mature and the right thing to do for him to pay for those things.
But I won't hold my breath on any of that.
Like I said before chalk it up to a VERY expensive and painful lesson.

Now I nearly jump out of my skin everytime my phone buzzes.
I wonder if he will reply.
I hope he does.
I hope he has filed.
I hope I never ever see him or hear from him again after it is all finalized.
I hope this is all for a reason.
I hope I find love again.
I hope I can trust someone again.

I hope.

The Master Plan...breaking out of the vortex of suckholeness

Okay I've been totally dragging ass my feet at making decisions
and actually DOING something.
I passed all the tests I was fretting about.
And instead of being all proactive and having everything organized so I could take a sprinting start... I dwelled...and I dawdled...and I've done NOTHING.

I mean I went to yoga and my temp work and continued with life but I put everything on hold.
I unpacked a bunch of boxes a few weekends ago and just left them.
Organized into groups but untouched and unpacked none the less.
Which is exactly how my life is was...a bunch of things sorted into piles but laying there unpacked...uncommited to a box if you will.

I few of my friend dropped hints lately like...soooo Teagan what's up now that you passed?
And I kind of brushed it off in that I was getting organized etc except really I wasn't.
You see I am was still stuck on how much my #1 goal was to be in my dream place (Florida) working (well frankly married but that is not happening obviously)
and it is impossible and I just need to admit defeat (for now).
I need to stop being sad over Spencer and being a (still cringe when I say it) divorcee
and I just need to do something really anything to break free of this suckhole that is my life.

I am currently stuck.
And someone told me that I just have to figure out a way to go against the inertia and just do SOMEthing.
So I am.
Val and I went to Tim Horton's to come up with the Master Plan...
and with minimal tears shed we came up with one.

First...where to go.
Since I had been looking at jobs basically overseas...and because I think I might be allergic to the cold (well I shouldn't joke around about that because Eva actually is allergic to the cold
but that is a story for another day.)
I love working overseas or being a foreigner (hence the last 8 + years of my life).

So Val tried to pinpoint why I love this and why I want to go away (again).
Here is what I came up with:

• It's fun discovering new food/culture/life/setting up.
• You tend to put yourself out there more and it seems like there are more activities to do.
• You automatically have a cute accent. (I don't care if this is shallow).
• You are different (therefore more attention..again I know this sounds horrid).
• I like the weather.
• Travel opportunities.
• I don't have the stress of my family.
• It's not the suckhole that is my home town.
• The taxes aren't outrageous (thank you Canada).
• I have more opportunities with work (in terms of what I can do outside of Canada~kind of complicated to explain this fully).

So Val and I talked it out...because in all reality my end goal is still to end up in the South
(what can I say I fell in love with the Southern USA years ago).
Val pointed out that I could still try to pursue this goal while working here and it is easier here with my support system.

Also, in reality when you go away it is very difficult to make a ton of money.
Well let me clarify...a lot of places that are ethical you are working in a foreign country for the "experience" (which actually translates to you won't make near the amount of money you would in North America).  There is an exception to that rule but it involves being unethical and really scamming people in a sense and all kinds of things that I refused to do during my time in Asia.  I will explain it all later but in essence you can make X and do this in North America...or you can earn 3X (literally TRIPLE salary) and you work things "our way"...which so would NOT fly in North America.  So it isn't like some careers where you are lured to a foreign country with house allowance, car allowance and all other kinds of perks (at least not in my field).

If I was to go away the likelihood of me being in this same EXACT position
(ie. finished with another foreign experience with not a bunch of money saved  and searching for some kind of root system) in 2-5 years is very very high.
And lets face it as much as I have fun memories and traveled places I'm whistfully lustful of what my friends have (love and family... which ultimately doesn't come from country hopping).
So it was time to maybe decide to stay here...or at least give it a fair try in my career for a year...if I hated it then I can up and move somewhere foreign.
As a very close friend of mine once said... "nothing's permanent." 

First plan of action:  Move to Toronto for a minimum of 1 year.
Timeframe: by the end of June.
Things essential for this: find a job in Toronto.

Second, part was to deal with Jacob.
As in I need to stop talking to him because it is wrong to talk to him.
So these daily conversations need to stop.

Even if he says things like...

you are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep (hmmmmmm I wonder if you do that while in bed with your fiancee?!?!?! but of course I don't have the guts to say that)...he says things like ...

"I love you ...you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with...I want us to be a family...I miss (fill in the blank with examples of our history together)...I can't wait to see you (because yes at this point we are still talking about meeting up though in my defense I don't think it would ever happen) and be able to hold you and kiss you...
I think about you EVERY SINGLE DAY...

This is all bad bad bad...even though in my vortex of suckholeness I am eating it up.
Just got to stop...cold turkey.

Second Plan of Action: No more talking to Jacob (who is engaged...bad stupid Teagan!!! and yes I totally just refered to myself in third person GROSS!)
Time Frame:  May 24th (Val made me pick a day but I guess that is a good idea).

So really I think I built this up a lot more then what it actually is.
Oops sorry.
So there it is ...I am implementing it already.
I packed and reorganized 20 boxes this weekend (post to come on that!).
I also revamped my CV/resume/work experience.
But I continuously talked to Jacob because I have until the 24th right?
(Val would totally KILL me for saying that haha).

So I apologize for the buildup for a master plan that is kind of lack luster at best.
But here it is anyway.
So I will keep you posted on the progress which has a much better focus now :)
Thanks to a kick in the butt (that I didn't want but desparately needed) from various friends this last week.

PS in case you are wondering I haven't talked/heard from/received Divorce papers from Spencer.  I'm going to have to reach out to him again (I'm just trying to avoid having to fork over the $3400+ that is would cost in this country to get a divorce).  I don't want to reach out to him but I think I will have to...what  a pain in the butt.  I wish I never met him.  I don't care about everything happening for a reason etc. and trusting in God's plan for you life etc.  Woah need to stop doing down that negatory path...  However, Val (who is the FOURTH person to tell me this kind of very specific thing) is glad things ended like this because she didn't want me chopped up and decomposing in a river because Spencer lost it...other friends have said that I don't need a Wikipedia page like Laci Peterson...I apparently didn't see this in him but I guess he really is a sociopath.  Probably will make more sense after I finish my whole exboygriend project.  One day I will never have to ever ever deal with him again.  Thank goodness.  I just wish that since he wanted it to be over he would take some action to finally finish things.  Because I am so ready to move on with my life as evident by my new master plan.

PPS totally using work to blog and job search...what?!?!?! I'm allowed!




Pics from here and here.