|Pic from here.|
when I can't stop that endless stream of panic and worry through my head.
You know about everything and nothing.
Things that should be long forgotten about...
Like the feeling that once in awhile surprises me like remembering Spencer and wondering if that whole fiasco actually even happened.
Like wondering if Jacob should come to visit again (because of course I keep in touch that little bit like an awful security blanket I refuse to throw away).
Like Will. And how I purposely messaged him today in the buddy nonchalant way we usually do...carefully avoiding any mention of what happened in Michigan or his ex.
Trying to quiet that emerald eyed girl inside.
Trying to quiet the jealousy.
Of friends who are happy...whose lives just have love...a partner who loves them.
It seems to just make all the stress in the world worth it.
And I want that.
So darn badly.
Maybe THAT love isn't in the cards for me.
But I have the smallest flicker flame of hope.
It has to do with a content quiet smile on my besties face when she barely whispered something along the lines of..."you know when people tell you the butterflies in the beginning don't last...they lie...it does"
And the feeling of hope in the bottom of my heart is there...somewhere deep down.
And just like that my mind flips to the next stress.
The immense pressure I put on myself yet still feeling like a failure.
Do I switch careers?
Do I move to some other country?
Do I pursue something else?
Am I doomed to not succeed at this?
Trying to plan out Canadian Thanksgiving (its in October and usually much suckier than American Thanksgiving which I love).
And finding out from my parents that they will be in Florida.
The further irritation.
Texting my brother inviting him to Toronto for the weekend.
Haven't seen him since Mother's Day.
Having him text me back "Shouldn't be a problem. I'll check what my girl is saying tomorrow k".
He has a girlfriend?
Tried not to be bothered by it.
Heck maybe I'll be one of those kind people that volunteers at a soup kitchen that day so as not to be ungrateful for all that I do have.
The realization why I'm bothered.
As my future fear runs a movie through my head.
The pictures I stream for myself.
Being a part of a wedding party where everyone is silently remembering my failed engagement.
Having to walk in front of my family.
The humiliation of pretending that my heart wasn't breaking at my brother beating me yet at something else (so far he's ahead with house, car, vacation time, popularity, etc, why NOT true love).
The panic of the non existent yet entirely possible future.
I'm perplexed by things.
Things like what the heck I'm doing with all this dating with all these different guys.
As I sometimes find myself almost an onlooker on these dates.
Like I'm along for the ride but not really there.
Not sure whether I continue or just stop.
It's so weird because its not like I'm trying to "find" someone...but sometimes it does feel like I'm just going through the motions.
Sometimes the fear grips me.
Am I doomed to be like a certain female relative.
That is sort of hard and abrasive and alone.
I really don't want that.
Being bothered by things that are out of my hands.
Like my friend Shelby coming into town again.
Asking to stay at my place Thursday night.
And the feeling of trying NOT to feel like she is being opportunistic.
She had a tendency to only contact others when she needs a place to stay in Toronto.
ie. she hasn't come to visit me once yet since I moved to Toronto.
Sort of a sentiment shared by the Waterloo girls.
But of course no one actually says anything.
The feeling of sadness because she tells me how she is staying at Eva's Wednesday night and how excited she is to catch up with her.
And the wonder if Eva will tell her how she hasn't seen me since July long weekend in Kingston...and before that the awful St. Patrick's Day.
And really how we aren't friends anymore.
And yet I'm somehow co-hosting her and Jane's baby shower with Val in a few weeks.
So these thoughts just cycle through my head.
At quite a quick pace.
And I just quiet them or fall asleep.
The hardest part is the unsettled feeling.
Like I'm somehow making a mistake.
But I'm not exactly sure what.
Just when I feel like I get my feet underneath I'm still just running in circles.
Gosh I hate nights like this.
Here's what I'm listening to in case you were wondering...