With a bajillion random ramblings in my head.
I just watched Being Elmo ...a happy documentary about the guy that is Elmo.
Well the guy that is the puppeteer of Elmo.
I figured I needed a little happy.
That didn't exactly work.
Don't get me wrong it is inspiring and joyous but I'm in a funk.
Yesterday I cried twice at work.
Don't worry in the privacy of my own office.
Because I kept panicking that I made too hasty of a decision giving my parents the okay to put Arlie down.
That is the first time I have ever used a real name in this blog.
He deserves to have his name for real remembered.
Oh my heart hurts.
And I was so looking forward to a weekend in wine country forgetting this past week.
But it didn't happen.
I left it up to MrKent to organize.
He couldn't get us a B&B in the area
(granted this particular part of wine country is tiny doesn't have a ton of options).
Then we were just going to go for the day.
But it called for thunderstorms today.
And I was really getting irritated because we couldn't nail down concrete plans.
Last evening we finally decided to touch base in the morning.
He touched base at like 10:30.
And I was already cranky.
And finally after a lot of passiveness I just called him to be like ...
"ummm what are the plans".
I know I was snippy.
Finally I suggested if he wanted to go to this event we go tomorrow.
And then I mumbled something about "so I don't know what the rest of your weekend looks like or if you have things to do or what should be the alternative plan".
So he thought about it (ie. a lot of awkward silence on the phone).
Then I (in my full insecurity irritableness) said
"ummm I feel like I'm putting you on the spot and it's making me feel bad".
He suggested he get some things done for work etc this afternoon and he would think about evening plans.
I just said "sure sound good talk to you later".
Even though I'm so thoroughly cranky and irritated.
And still kind of think maybe I'm sabotaging us.
If there is an us.
And now I'm proceeding to huff and pout in my current couch position.
Still in a robe but with my hair styled and dried.
Still without makeup or an outfit laid out
(because I don't know what or if we are doing something tonight).
And I realize I'm just in a crazy funk.
This week has put me into a tailspin.
And then I sit here and my heart just aches for Arlie.
I don't know if someone held him during his last breathe.
Or if they handed him over to a vet tech.
And this fills me with grief.
I didn't want him to suffer but I just worry I made too hasty a decision.
I just miss him so much.
I miss him beside me.
And as the tears (currently) roll down my face.
I remember his too short life with me...
I remember driving two and a half hours to Brownsville Texas.
To a kill shelter.
And seeing his tiny face behind a chainlink fence.
His name there was Walter and that seemed like such an old man name for such a sweet little dog.
Learning about him and the sad news of his past.
He was abused and still had broken ribs when I got him.
Barely 5 pounds and fully grown he was 2 years old when I got him.
I remember going through his treatment of heartworm and how tough and long that seemed.
The first reason I got him was because I was lonely in Dallas.
I had only been living in Dallas for two and a half weeks when I brought Arlie home.
He made my one bedroom apartment feel much less lonely.
When I moved to Dallas I had always either lived with my family or the Waterloo Girls.
It was much too quiet there (much like it is today).
We learned to trust each other.
He learned not to take a single piece of kibble from the bowl and hide with it to eat it before retrieving another piece.
He also learned to play fetch.
It only took him about 6 months not to run and hide in the opposite direction of the stuffed toy I threw.
My parents who thought it was such a bad idea to get a dog.
Feel in love with him too.
No one could meet Arlie and not love him.
SO many people would tell me "usually I don't like little dogs but he's different".
And they were right ...he was.
I remember for every single test him studying with me.
He insisting on curling up on my lap each time.
He was just the best dog ever.
He flew with me to Dallas, to Florida, to Canada and a few other places.
He was with me each time I found out I passed an exam.
We moved to Philadelphia to be with Jacob together.
He used to love Rittenhouse Square park and would strut like he owned it.
Arlie (not Jacob).
He loved going to the beach just not the water.
He hated swimming and tried to escape each time.
He knew how to pray...(I wish I had a pic to show you).
He would curl up in a little tiny ball.
It earned him the nickname Coyote.
Though I have no idea if Coyote's actually curl up in a ball.
He sat with me as I bawled my eyes out the day Jacob left me in Philadelphia.
He was as angry as I was when we briefly moved back to Canada.
We both hated the cold.
When I moved to Singapore I cried my eyes out leaving him...
he was the only thing that made me cry when I left Canada (sad but true).
He let me have it when I moved back to Canada
(almost biting my hand off when I first came back with Spencer).
For some reason he seemed to love Spencer.
Weird because he never liked any male at first.
He was with me when I would just lie on the couch in the fall of 2010 when Spencer left me.
I was in a completely depressed state.
I would literally lie on the couch for 10 hours.
He wouldn't move either.
When I moved to Toronto he came with me.
But when he got sick I made the decision here to have him move back to my hometown
because my parents don't leave the house for 10 hours a day.
That was one of the most difficult decisions I had to make up until this last one.
I loved Arlie so much.
And I miss him so much.
And he has been through so much with me.
He has been a constant.
And now he's gone.
I'm sorry for such a crappy bummy post but boy do I ever feel crappy and bummy.