Awake

Pic from here.

At 3:23am.
I woke up.
All sweaty and stressed and anxiety ridden.
Ughh I hate nights like this.
My first thought.
MrKent.
The memories come flooding back of mere hours before.
"....I'm not being fair to you" he started with.
And that heavy knot returns to my stomach.
Then I think of Arlie who I usually turn to in heartbreak.
Right he is gone too.
Then I glance at my phone.
A message from Jacob "I miss you".
And I panic.
I try to force myself to sleep.
Knowing the exhaustion I will feel in a few hours.
Dreading the questions from my work colleagues 
who I had bragged about my weekend in wine country with MrKent.
And I'm not sure if I will actually get back to sleep.

The Sads

I'm sitting here on this lovely Saturday afternoon with the sads.
I'm bummed.
With a bajillion random ramblings in my head.


I just watched Being Elmo ...a happy documentary about the guy that is Elmo.
Well the guy that is the puppeteer of Elmo.
I figured I needed a little happy.

That didn't exactly work.
Don't get me wrong it is inspiring and joyous but I'm in a funk.
Ughh.


Yesterday I cried twice at work.
Don't worry in the privacy of my own office.
Because I kept panicking that I made too hasty of a decision giving my parents the okay to put Arlie down.
That is the first time I have ever used a real name in this blog.
He deserves to have his name for real remembered.


Oh my heart hurts.
And I was so looking forward to a weekend in wine country forgetting this past week.
But it didn't happen.


I left it up to MrKent to organize.
He couldn't get us a B&B in the area 
(granted this particular part of wine country is tiny doesn't have a ton of options).
Then we were just going to go for the day.
But it called for thunderstorms today.
And I was really getting irritated because we couldn't nail down concrete plans.


Last evening we finally decided to touch base in the morning.
He touched base at like 10:30.
And I was already cranky.
And finally after a lot of passiveness I just called him to be like ...
"ummm what are the plans".


I know I was snippy.
Finally I suggested if he wanted to go to this event we go tomorrow.
And then I mumbled something about "so I don't know what the rest of your weekend looks like or if you have things to do or what should be the alternative plan".


So he thought about it (ie. a lot of awkward silence on the phone).
Then I (in my full insecurity irritableness) said 
"ummm I feel like I'm putting you on the spot and it's making me feel bad".
He suggested he get some things done for work etc this afternoon and he would think about evening plans.
I just said "sure sound good talk to you later".
Even though I'm so thoroughly cranky and irritated.
And still kind of think maybe I'm sabotaging us.
If there is an us.


And now I'm proceeding to huff and pout in my current couch position.
Still in a robe but with my hair styled and dried.
Still without makeup or an outfit laid out 
(because I don't know what or if we are doing something tonight).
And I realize I'm just in a crazy funk.
This week has put me into a tailspin.


And then I sit here and my heart just aches for Arlie.
I don't know if someone held him during his last breathe.
Or if they handed him over to a vet tech.
And this fills me with grief.
I didn't want him to suffer but I just worry I made too hasty a decision.


I just miss him so much.
I miss him beside me.
And as the tears (currently) roll down my face.
I remember his too short life with me...

I remember driving two and a half hours to Brownsville Texas.
To a kill shelter.
And seeing his tiny face behind a chainlink fence.
His name there was Walter and that seemed like such an old man name for such a sweet little dog.


Learning about him and the sad news of his past.
He was abused and still had broken ribs when I got him.
Barely 5 pounds and fully grown he was 2 years old when I got him.
I remember going through his treatment of heartworm and how tough and long that seemed.


The first reason I got him was because I was lonely in Dallas.
I had only been living in Dallas for two and a half weeks when I brought Arlie home.
He made my one bedroom apartment feel much less lonely.
When I moved to Dallas I had always either lived with my family or the Waterloo Girls.
It was much too quiet there (much like it is today).
We learned to trust each other.
He learned not to take a single piece of kibble from the bowl and hide with it to eat it before retrieving another piece.
He also learned to play fetch.
It only took him about 6 months not to run and hide in the opposite direction of the stuffed toy I threw.


My parents who thought it was such a bad idea to get a dog.
Feel in love with him too.
No one could meet Arlie and not love him.
SO many people would tell me "usually I don't like little dogs but he's different".  
And they were right ...he was.

I remember for every single test him studying with me.
He insisting on curling up on my lap each time.
He was just the best dog ever.


He flew with me to Dallas, to Florida, to Canada and a few other places.
He was with me each time I found out I passed an exam.
We moved to Philadelphia to be with Jacob together.


He used to love Rittenhouse Square park and would strut like he owned it.
Arlie (not Jacob).
He loved going to the beach just not the water.
He hated swimming and tried to escape each time.
He knew how to pray...(I wish I had a pic to show you).


He would curl up in a little tiny ball.
It earned him the nickname Coyote.
Though I have no idea if Coyote's actually curl up in a ball.

He sat with me as I bawled my eyes out the day Jacob left me in Philadelphia.
He was as angry as I was when we briefly moved back to Canada.
We both hated the cold.
When I moved to Singapore I cried my eyes out leaving him...
he was the only thing that made me cry when I left Canada (sad but true).
He let me have it when I moved back to Canada 
(almost biting my hand off when I first came back with Spencer).


For some reason he seemed to love Spencer.
Weird because he never liked any male at first.
He was with me when I would just lie on the couch in the fall of 2010 when Spencer left me.

I was in a completely depressed state.
I would literally lie on the couch for 10 hours.
He wouldn't move either.


When I moved to Toronto he came with me.
But when he got sick I made the decision here to have him move back to my hometown 
because my parents don't leave the house for 10 hours a day.
That was one of the most difficult decisions I had to make up until this last one.


I loved Arlie so much.
And I miss him so much.
And he has been through so much with me.
He has been a constant.
And now he's gone.
I'm sorry for such a crappy bummy post but boy do I ever feel crappy and bummy.

Rest in Peace.

Arlie Walter.

February 1, 2002-June 7, 2012.

Bad News

I've had a rough week.
Things I haven't even told y'all about...


My crappy post this morning didn't even touch on it all.
Since Monday...
My car broke down 
Had to get a rental because of work
I got ripped off by said rental that had an Enterprise desk at the car dealership
Had to arrange the car to be towed to my hometown
My dad drove up one of his work vehicles for me to use for 2 weeks.
Today I scratched the CRAP out of on entire side of the truck in my parking garage 
(that I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell him that).
I woke up congested and coughy and sick 
(and all that without even making out with MrKent!)
I felt awful all day at work.
This work week was just awful.


I came home tonight and just went straight to bed.
Only to be woken up by my dad calling.
My parents decided to put down my dog tomorrow.
And my heart just broke.
I'm so so so sad.
He was the best dog we ever had.
Was what my dad just said.
And right now I just can't stop crying.

I took this picture when I was home over Mother's Day weekend.

Difficult Decisions

So tonight my parents came up to the TDot.
We had dinner and then the main reason they came up...
I've decided to temporarily give them my dog.

He is and has been really ill for awhile.
I think I alluded to this before.
There is something wrong with him.

We don't know what because he seems to just have an elevated white blood cell count specifically neutrophils which is basically only suggestive of infection.
The doctor's recommendation is to do surgical biopsy of intestines and the liver to see if anything comes up.

This surgery would involve putting him on general anaesthesia.
He is about 5lbs and tiny and this sort of nonspecific exploratory surgery does NOT sit well with me.  Plus it would be upwards of $3000.
So I've been struggling with this decision awhile.

Our current plan of action is a rather large dose of antibiotics with bloodwork on a monthly basis to monitor if anthing changes.
And of course I look out for other signs of him deteriorating.
Yesterday I was a wreck with worry because he just refused to eat.
And he typically seems to do better when I'm around.
ie. there is a noticible personality difference when I'm home (like weekend) versus a long day at work.

My parents are home a ton.
My mum's work is 5 minutes away.
She goes home for lunch.
My grandmother is at my parents home all day long two days a week.
So I made the decision to let them take him.
I think he would be happier.
But I'm heartbroken.

At least my parents basically took it as they will take him for a few weeks and "fatten him up" and then return him here.
Deep down in my gut I worry that I've sent him to my parents house to essentially die.
Part of me selfishly admits that that would be easier than doing that on my own here.
The thought of losing him crushes my heart.
I seriously have anxiety about finding him dead here and what would I do.
It freaks me right out actually.

I love my dog.
He has been with me since 3 weeks after I first moved to Texas.
He studied with me for every single test (and there were hundreds).
It's been me and him.

He survived a crazy exboyfriend essentially attack us and chase us around our apartment one night.  It was like some bad episode of cops seriously ridiculous.
He was with me when I fell in love with Jacob.
He was with me when my heart was broken by Jacob in Philadelphia.
He refused to leave my side when Spencer absolutely destroyed my heart in Canada.
When all I would do was sleep and watch TV and cry...he was there curled up in a ball beside me following me from bed to couch to bed.
He has survived moves and flights internationally.
He is the sweetest most loyal dog ever.

And I can't help though but feel like one of those Teen Moms on MTV.
You know the irresponsible ones that continue to party and go out, leaving their parents to babysit/raise their child because they just want to be a normal teenager.
Part of me feels very very guilty about this situation.
I wonder if I made the right decision.
Tonight I have the sads :(

A Clean Slate...Welcome to my new place

I am in the midst's of moving.
But I did manage to snap a few pics of my new (small) place.
It might be a bit before I can blog because I don't have internet yet.
And will be busy unpacking and getting organized.

So without further ado...here are the "before" shots.

My first carload...is there anything as lonesome as packing up your car and moving by yourself.
Nevermind I just decided it isn't lonesome it is indepedant and freeing (and really all my friends are away for Labour Day weekend). 

When you walk into my apartment you see...well basically the entire thing. haha
Well at least the living room/dining room/office/den.
And yes that is a dishwasher you spy wahoo!

The entrance. 
Slidy mirror doors for last minute wardrobe and makeup checks = awesomeness.

The view from the living/dining room/office/den area into the kitchen.

From this area you see a "nook" with three doors.
Door #2 (the middle door)

  Door #2 Houses this...an ensuite washer and dryer...yup I'm living it up huge in the TDot!

Door #1 Leads into the Bedroom.
And you can see my sweet view from my 3rd floor apartment...repeat after me...keep your blinds closed when you change!

My closet door panels.
Plasticy and white...and I'm not loving looking at them.
I need some suggestions of what to do with them.
Keep in mind it is a rental (therefore has to be removeable and nondamaging).
And I want to shy away from putting photographs up there as it would remind me too much of a dorm room.

Closet storage.

And in case you were wondering from the top picture...that sure is PVC pipe as the closet hanger.
Classy.

The bathroom.

Another bathroom pic from the corner.

One of the best parts of this weekend?...
Finally living with my Texas native roommate.

Moving time!
Hope everyone has a fabulous long weekend.

Yesterdays packing break

So this whole weekend was spent packing.
For a place that I likely don't have.
The rental agent called this morning and said that someone had beaten my application in (I was waiting on my letter of employment from HR)  and they have 72 hours to sign back and if they do...I just lose the place :(
Boo because I planned on moving this weekend and clearly finding places over the internet is a bad idea.
Anywho that is a run on tangenty thing...

Yesterday with the nice weather I took a break with my dog to sit on the deck steps and read a few chapter so he could sunbath.
I can't let him sit in the backyard by himself because there are hawks or eagles or something and he kind of looks like a rabbit..
Small dogs in the area have been snatched so I don't let him there without me right beside him.
These simple moments make me smile.
Looking down at my loyal dog who has been through everything these last 7 years with me from Texas to Philadelphia to here.

It was a great afternoon break.
Now back to "work" and also fretting over a place to live...

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

I promise I don't regularly dress up my dog...only for a photo op or two. 

He is honestly the greatest dog on this planet! 

Did you know I looked for something in my city to do today for Cinco de Mayo

and there is literally NOTHING to do except on June 12th...

seriously on June 12th is the celebration in the afternoon at a Garden Market area. 

I'm kind of confused by this.

  Guess I will have to wait for my move to the TDot to be able to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in style (Mexico food and a daiquiri ...yummo!) would be great but I don't qualify Taco Bell as Mexican Food and that is the option in my city.  Next year is looking way way up!

Weekend Update #2 (of 2011)

So I had a good weekend here's the rundown.

Friday
Got home from work and my dog hadn't been sick so I thought I was in the clear.
Successfully took down all the holiday decor and Christmas tree.
I do have one special ornament that you can put a piece of paper in so I wrote down some wishes for next year so when I decorate my tree again I can see if they come true!
I spun!
I took down the Christmas tree while watching two movies.

Easy A- which was AWESOME!  It was so good and funny and interesting.  Totally has made me a fan of Emma Stone.  I've always enjoyed Amanda Bynes movies (I'm a perpetual teenager) so she had a fun role too. Here's the New York Times Review of it.  It had 80s movie references (LOVE!) and had the feeling of how 80s movies used to be think Pretty in Pink, Breakfast Club, Say Anything etc.

Check out the trailer!

Twelve- worst movie I have seen in a long long time.  There was a narrator that was super duper annoying throughout.  I thought it would be similar to Gossip Girl (which I love!) since it has Chace Crawford and Emma Roberts and follows some rich kids in New York but it was terrible! Random cut-aways of contents of one of the characters pockets (yes I'm serious!).  And a drug hallucination scene where a girls teddy bears talk to her.  I thought it was not good.  Here's the New York Times review of Twelve. Waste of time...oh well.

Don't be fooled...this trailer makes it look way better than what it was.  The narrator at the beginning of the trailer is in the WHOLE darn movie!

Saturday
I got up and spun again (yippee me!)
Then I got ready and headed to Quinn's house for her 30th Birthday celebrations.
On my way I dropped off my dog at my parents place because they have been complaining that they haven't seen him in awhile and wouldn't mind looking after him.  He is basically the grandchild my parents never had and they looked after him while I was living away in Asia.
Who was there: Quinn, Quinn's husband, Jane, Jane's husband, Eva, Eva's Fiance, Val, and Quinn's friend Collette
We had been planning on curling (I know how Canadian of us) but we couldn't get any good ice times (seriously who knew curling was so popular?) so we will just save it for another time because we are all pretty excited to try it.
So instead Quinn's husband did a super amazing job planning ...a "Minute to Win It" challenge.
I didn't even know it was a TV show ...which interesting enough is hosted by Guy Fieri (who I love his Food Network shows Diner's,Drive-In's and Dive's.

Anywho basically our "challenge" was 60 second games that he got off the Minute to Win It website.
Can you tell as group we are a little competitive, and we aren't exactly a group that sits around and watches TV haha.
I will do my best to describe them all were played in a living room and Quinn's husband spent around $18 on all the games but we only got through half of them (due to much laughter and fun) before going to our dinner reservations.  If I get pictures from Quinn I will add them in later.  All games had a time limit of...you guessed it one minute.

Game One:  Tapemeasure Luge
Take one tape measure starting at 3 feet and take a ping pong ball and let it "luge" down the tape measure and try and get it on a cup (think Solo plastic cup) sitting on the coffee table.  Only rule is you couldn't touch tape measure to actual cup.  If you got one in then you had to add another "foot" to the luge/tape measure.  I think Jane did the best at 6 feet (which is pretty hard to do with a tape measure).

Game Two:  Apple Stacking
Literally on the coffee table stack apples on top of one another.
The max someone got was 5 apples (this was actually pretty tough!)

Game Three:  Peanut Butter Target
Picture a towel on the floor with a piece of bread with a thick layer of peanut butter.  Then you threw ping pong balls (by bouncing them off the coffee table) to try and land on the piece of peanut butter bread.  This actually worked (someone got 5 ping pong balls to stick!)

Game 4:  Key Fishing.
Quinn's husband made a fishing rod out of 12 inches of dowel, floss and an open paper clip (so it looked like a hook).  6 keys were laying on the coffee table with the round end overhanging the edge.  Using the dowel fishing rod with no hands (ie. in your mouth) try to "catch" the keys by hooking them.

Game 5: Tongue Depressor Dice
This challenge involved using a tongue depressor (the wood large popsicle stick doctors use when they tell you to say "ah".  Tongue Depressor is held in your mouth and then you stack dice one on top of the other on the tongue depressor.  Six was the max amount of dice.

Game 6: Final time breaker challenge
Two tables about 3 metres apart with a beer bottle on each table.
Player had a piece of string tied in a circle that they had to use to transfer an egg (hardboiled for safe use on a carpeted living room) from one area to the other.

The champion was Eva! Followed in second place by Jane's husband...I totally came in last as I usually do in these super competitive games because I'm too busy giggling and having fun. 

Then we went to dinner at this super cool place called Vicar's Vice.  It is 150 year old stone church that is now a restaurant and pub.  There was pretty good live music and we just had a great time eating and drinking and chatting up a storm. 

This is where we sat on the balcony section (which at one time I like to imagined housed a choir and church organ.)  It gave us the perfect view of the band which played on the second story directly opposite of us over the bar.

Side note:  I hate it when someone orders the

"what I should have ordered" meal

when I'm left going "darn it I should have ordered that!"

  I should have known in a pub to order fish and chips...

but was lucky enough to steal a bite from Jane's husband's plate!

Then we headed back to Quinn's place where we all hung out and had a couple of drinks before all crashing. 

Sunday
We woke up in the morning to a great breakfast before everyone started to head home around noon.  I made the drive home.  Then cleaned up the house (for Taylor's impending visit YIPPEE!!!) and spun (again I'm keeping my 2011 Goals so far!) 

Then I got a phone call from my mom...(they were dog sitting my dog but since they had complained about missing him so much I didn't rush to pick him up).  I barely got out "hi mom" before she lay into me...awesome.  Here's how it went down.  Remember my dog had been sick with vomitting/diarrhea that cleared up later in the week?  Turns out he had a relapse...turns out that relapse happened in the 1 hour he was alone at my parents house when I dropped him off on Saturday.  However this is the typical conversation with my parents (which is why I sometimes cringe when I look at my phone and see that it is them calling).
Me: "Hi mom"
Mom: "your dog is sick" (I guess we usually skip the usual pleasantries of hello etc.)
Me: "darnnit I thought he was feeling better"
Mom: "well he isn't. He vomitted all over my house and sh*t all over my carpets.  I don't know why you wouldn't think to lock him up if he was sick"
Me: "mom I didn't drop off a dog at your house thinking that he was still sick"
Mom:  "well I'm not sure if you were thinking at all...and now this bloody dog (not really bloody but my parents use these kinds of expressions...I think it's a British expression) is sick and he looks like he has lost way too much weight!  Has he even been eating?  It looks like he isn't eating!  And his eyes look funny...this dog is very very sick."
Me: "mom I told you last week he was sick earlier in the week but then was playing and eating fine and not sick during the end of the week so I didn't realize he was sick when I dropped him off"
Mom: "well I don't know how you didn't have a clue he was sick because clearly he is very sick so I should take him to the vet tomorrow."
Me:  "I can take him to the vet it's okay"
Mom: "well I have the day off and its better if I take him because I know what happened"
Me:  "is he still eating and drinking?"
Mom: "yes but not enough...maybe I should make him rice"
Me: "did he eat any human food this weekend?"
Mom: "no...I didn't make him sick he was sick when you dropped him off...and rice stops diarrhea"
Me: "well maybe you should take him to the vet before giving him human food"  (the only thing I know of that is a natural anti-diarrhea food is bananas).
Mom:  "well he looks like he is in bad shape"
Me: "do I need to take him to the hospital?"
Mom: "no he isn't that bad"  seriously if he isn't that bad then why are you making it seem like he is
Me: "okay well if you are taking him to the vet tomorrow I'm guessing you want me to leave him there for the night"
Mom: "well yea"
Me: "okay thanks for doing that"
Mom: "bye"
Soooo this is how it goes...imagine if it was an actual grandchild and not a dog?!  I'm so frustrated about these conversations.  Then I sat there debating on if I should just go pick up my dog anyway. 

Then I called this morning to see how he was doing...
Me: "Hi"
Mom: "hi" (wahoo she said hi...but I think I woke her up)
Me:  "how is the dog?"
Mom: "I think he is fine now"
Me: "oh thats good"
Mom: "yea last night after I got off the phone he was playing and running around and drinking lots of water"
Me: "oh okay well I may still take him to the vet because it is twice for a few days that he was sick in the last week or so and I just want to make sure everything is okay" (thinking in my head...especially if you think he drastically lost a lot of weight etc).
Mom: "I will take him then"
Me: "okay thanks"
Mom:  "I will call you and let you know how it goes"
Me: "okay well I can pick him up right after I'm done work today too"
Mom: "okay"
So that conversation was okay...it depends usually when she calls me she has a mission (usually one involving negative yelling) so maybe I should call her more often.
And that was the end of my good weekend (I don't think I cried even once!) and the start of my week that will be incredibly long because Taylor gets here Friday!
I cannot wait.
xoxo
Teagan