|Pic from here|
Because I get worried about what people will think a lot.
I want everyone to like me and think I'm great
(total flaw that I'm slowly trying to work on)...
hence I thought I would at least post it for a little while.
My biggest fears include me not being able to sustain a relationship because of my feelings...the feeling that maybe I am a little "crazy" as Spencer said near the end.
I know I over think and analyze things...I'm hoping that is not impossible for someone to deal with.
So deep breath...here it goes...
I need to write about Seventeen.
But there was a dreaded feeling on seventeen.
Is there any worse a feeling?
Also let me preface this with an it's my fault/I'm probably exaggerating
(I mean helLO this is me we are talking about).
Last night the first bits of doubt.
Him arriving late.
Not one compliment the whole night.
Which leads me to the conclusion that OBVIOUSLY he doesn't find me attractive.
And makes me mad at myself for wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
Sitting in a dark movie theatre...
hoping for a hand on the knee...
arm over the shoulder...
any kind of touch really.
Myself anxiety ridden about this weekend that we are supposed to go to wine country.
Only the plans aren't finalized at all
(ie. we don't exactly have confirmation of a place to stay).
No confirmed plans seems like not a big deal to him.
He's pretty easy breezy that way.
But the lack of plans has me practically hyperventilating on the inside.
No walking me up to my apartment just a quick drop off in front.
No post date text message for the first time.
And I was full on freaking out.
And feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
I can't help but feel like he isn't interested.
Or perhaps for the first time a little bit of doubt.
Can he give me enough attention?
Should he have to?
Or is it my own insecurities I need to sort out to not need that kind of attention?
I hate to use the word fault because it isn't what I really mean.
But I think the above is sort of getting to...
Is it his fault?
Is it my fault?
(Let's be clear and please know I usually come to the conclusion that it is my fault).
Now before we actually jump to these fast moving conclusions.
I should give you a few final details.
MrKent and I have had this conversation before.
He is hard to read...which I'm interpreting as his relationships usually end because women do not think he is interested.
Sort of like how I'm starting to feel.
But where is the line...where is disinterested?
Should every man when he meets the woman of his dreams instantly be infatuated and perfect and verbalizing so?
Are some men different?
Or does it just take the RIGHT woman to bring that infatuated side out?
This was part of the reason I fell so hard for Spencer.
I thought THIS is what is is like when you meet TheOne.
This is how he is supposed to treat you.
Tons of compliments, and wanting to spend every second with each other, and have you hands all over each other...makes moving across the world less scary
(or at least seem so at the time).
BUT that turned out to not be the case ...so I'm left confused.
So something else that I didn't really mention...
MrKent was pretty sick yesterday.
He didn't go to work on Tuesday and pretty much slept the entire day.
When he picked me up for our date in my northeast end of the city I went in to kiss him.
He was like...I'm really gross and I don't want to get you sick.
And he was all coughey and congested and didn't sound great at all.
We went for dinner and then headed to the movies
(you know the good stuff that I will write about in Seventeen).
I noticed he needed a ton of boy Kleenex (ie. napkins from concession).
In the movie he had a coughing/sneezing attack.
He sounded miserable.
When he dropped me off he said...yea I just don't like to get people sick.
When I joked about having a strong immune system.
He laughed and said...still I don't want to get you sick.
So maybe sometimes I need to stop thinking about ...ME.
And be a little bit more considerate.
Oh yea and also not go all crazygirl.