Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Florida "the feelings" post

Pic from here

First to clarify.
I'm not a writer.
A rambler yes but not a writer.

So I need to sort out and try to describe the feelings I had while in Florida.
I don't think I can do these feelings justice but I need to get them out here because I can't carry them on me right now.

It's hard to describe everything I felt while I was there.
The nervousness I felt when the car service picked me up at 4:30am.
Heading through the Toronto airport.
The butterflies and heart racing as the plane touched down in Florida.

Part of the anxiety is that it seems like Spencer's state.
And I think of how he flew out of this airport multiple times to come visit me in Canada.
And for a second I worry that I'm going to run into him at the airport.
And really what I mean by that is that I'm actually worried I will run into him with a woman who is way more beautiful than myself.

Then the other things hit me.
I was supposed to be here.
This was supposed to be my state.

And the tightness I feel in my throat is a little overwhelming.
Matched with a weekend of my parents picking me up from the airport.
And I try to stay composed.

Then the feeling of walking outside.
And the sun on my face and on my skin.
And its like feeling warm and cozy.
In sharp contrast to the grey cool of Toronto.

And as we leave the airport and head to WholeFoods to pick up groceries.
Glancing at others in their doing their grocery shopping.
And the pang of jealousy.
I want to be you.  I want this to be MY grocery store.

Heading to my parent's home.
Driving into the gated community.
Perfectly manicured.
Tennis courts and a golf course.

Driving up to my parent's friend's (Lindsay and Jack) house (who live 8 doors down from my parents).
The same ones that I wrote about back here if you remember.
And I was hit with the realization.
THIS is the very house Spencer first my parents in April/May 2010 (wow it was that long ago).
He ended up spending the whole day with them and Lindsay and Jack.

I tried to shake that out of my head.
And the thoughts of what on earth happened???
And the "what if's" as if what if things had gone different.

The first night there I went for a run.
The warmth was there.
It's a comfort about Florida too.
Which is a strange juxtaposition to the Spencer anxiety that creeps in there.

But when I'm there it's a mix of extreme belonging.
I feel like I'm MEANT to be there.
It is me.
Versus how in Toronto I feel like a foreigner.
This is my home country but it doesn't feel like home.
I said I would give it at least a year.
And that is approaching at the end of July.
And then what?

The world is my option.
However, what I want I don't think is an option.
Or anywhere in the states because the complication of visas etc.
But I could look into more so.
Perhaps it is less of a hurdle then I freaked out about before.

One of the best things that we did was drive up to Orlando for a day/night.
My brother and I had suggested we go to Universal Studios (which growing up we went to 17 times!)
So we headed up there and spent the day on rides and laughing.
And it was the good family feeling I had growing up.
It was actually one of the best things I have done with my family in a very VERY long time.
We had so many laughs and just spent the whole day together.
Then we headed to Emeril's restaurant for dinner and Margaritaville afterwards.
And it was the family memories I remember that I loved.
And it was just such a great awesome feeling.

There was some rough times too while I was there.
Mainly when a few select people asked me about Spencer.
And about how I was supposed to be living there now and "how FUNNY that you are hear now " dripping with venomous sarcasm. 
It came from the same person who asked me for tips on planning her upcoming wedding in my hometown.
I totally wanted to punch her in the face.

Then at Easter brunch with Bella's mom and dad (my aunt and uncle) at Top of the Point.
And my other aunt and uncle (my uncle is a prominent politician in Canada).
All who have homes there.
My uncle the politician pulled me aside at brunch.
He said, "you know Teagan you really are a unique beautiful person.  I know this must be tough for you but you know what?  You have a sense of class and style and deserve the good things in life.  It's interesting to have watched you grown up.  You have an elegance and a class that people can see.  All these things that you want and enjoy in life will come.  Don't worry."
And I was stunned.

He got that.
I felt like he understood me.
No one understands me in my family.
But he did.
In a random little conversation between the carving station and salad station.
And I started to feel less guilty about the snobby feelings I've been having.
The feelings that I belong to a certain level of doing things.
And I feel like a total snob for liking these things.
But I like them.
I like manners and etiquette and all the things that seem very WASPey.

It's almost a guilt feeling or like a secret I'm carrying.
But every single cell in my body feels like it's screaming it!
I belong here (FL).
Which is just very hard to deal with when I clearly cannot embrace where I do currently live with even close to the same amount of enthusiasm.
It really isn't for a lack of trying.

But it doesn't feel the same and I don't know if it ever will.
And I'm left wondering if I will always be in constant wanting for the land of sunshine.

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