Trip to see Taylor!!!!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Dwell Dwell Dwell fattyfattyboombatty

Okay I hope this is my last dwell.
I am for some reason SUPREMELY bothered by MM and his "abrupt disapperence".
(see previous post)
I don't get it.

How do you go from asking for someone to move in with you (albeit only for 6 weeks...and this totally had me FREAKED out...and that is why I declined in the nicest way possible 4 times!  Well and I was way more comfortable moving in with Eva and her husband...but really that is really here nor there).
How do you go from straight up ignoring a gmail chat rejection?!?!?!
I am so annoyed.

I am so annoyed because I don't understand people.
Maybe I do wear my heart on my sleeve.
But in general I say what I mean and I mean what I say.
And I hold probably too fiercely to it.

I have since I was little.
Call it fear of abadonement etc.
But I remember being 6 and asking my dad repeatadly if he said something...if he PROMISED something.
And I would hold him to it because I remembered everytime.

I understand people are entitled to change and grow but seriously have some compassion for me (someone who doesn't flip flop or change their mind about many things).
It has just seemed to happen a lot for me...abadonment.
And really the common
It is so darn frustrating.

I am so perturbed.
And you know what...running does not help.
I just started running again.

I was keeping it a secret in case I failed at that too...grrr.
It has been a long time since I've run.
Main motivation...

Watching Eva's wedding video and I think I look massive.
I don't think I've ever been this big.
I know what it is lack of activity and being a big stressball.

I hate the way I looked there and in pictures lately I find myself trying to find the right angle and sucking in with all my might.
My own issues.
But I also do bad mentally without exercise.

It all adds up to one big negative experience.
So run I must.
I thought I needed a new strategy.
Because I detest running.
It is not fun and maybe it is because I find it hard.
And really do you want to know when something is fun?
When you are good at it.

So I'm going to try and become good at running because it has always been a struggle for me.
So I did some searching and have read on other people's blogs about the Couch to 5K.
I started and today was Week 2 Day 2.

Pick from here
 Running still blows.
I hate every pounding minute of it.
I did make it easier by downloading an App onto the iPhone
(can we say obsessed much with Apps?)
Anywho...this app traces your route on a map and times you, and tells you when to run/walk (it is an interval program) etc.
Here are screen shots from this website.
To show you what it does.

For the record...I have yet to select the Smiley face when I run.
Today was hard because it is cold and rainy.
And when I read what other people run...I want to hang my head in shame.
I think I must be the slowest runner in the entire world.
I won't tell you my run pace or walk pace or distance but think of a number in your head and add like 5 minutes and subtract like 2 annoying.

And I also thought running cleared your head!
Ummm...heck no.
I have an endless stream of thoughts. 

like...ughhh it's rainy...why did I start the run parts on this uphill?  My feet least I'm not as sweaty today as Monday...Okay this 90 seconds of running is okay and not as bad as I thought (being bumped up from 60 seconds)...I'm a total beginner...I wonder what you are supposed to do with your hands...I feel like I run sort of like Phoebe from friends...okay park time ...avoid all the goose poop...almost...turn onto another street and gosh the 60 seconds of walking is over again?!...maybe I should look at the ground less ...look can't be...oh my gosh that is total MM's car...yup it sure is...what is he doing in this neighbourhood he lives downtown...hmmm his parents do live in this general area...oh gosh he is backing out of that driveway...turn around turn around fast...increase running speed...oh my gosh...seriously?!  don't turn around and look over your shoulder ...don't turn around...dart down this street...what the heck???...thank goodness I'm supposed to walk again...I am always so happy when the dude says...walk...or workout complete...that was a close one...especially looking like this...not so awesome...I can't wait to get home...

So you can clearly see there is nothing about running that clears my head.
And how do I know that it is MM's car you may be thinking?
Without giving away what it is...
I have only ever seen this car twice.
His is gray and the only one I have seen ever in my life was Texas.
It is very distinct and instantly recognizable.
So much so that once we were out for dinner in Toronto and his friends played a joke on him and called him and told him his car was being he bolted out of the restaurant to check and they were all having a good laugh about it...because they had randomly walked by a street in Toronto (Canada's New York) and recognized it (by model because he has no like bumper stickers etc that would make it recognizable).
He was probably picking up his date.
I kind of have the feeling he is used to dating a lot.

I feel like a total lame nerdy person.
I want to be social again and go on a million dates.
And be this flirty vivacious person.
I have some friends that are SO SOOOO good at this.

I've never quite gotten it down.
MM was the first person I "dated" after Spencer.
Not the first person I kissed though...hello chef hottie...haha
Eva joked that her bachelorette and wedding were good times for me.
At the time...totally.

So anywho here are the things that I want to do in the next couple of weeks.
1. go on lots of dates (just have to figure out exactly how someone goes about getting dates).
2. make more girlfriends (I love my girls that are here but I think I need some of the single variety...and I need a much busier social calendar to be happy).
3. kick butt at work (I'm not at all right now).
4. stop thinking fattyfattyboombatty when I look in the mirror.
5. find a 5 K to run after this tortuous couch to 5 K program so that I do fully commit to it.

In the words of Drake...
I'm more than just an option...hey hey hey...refuse to be forgotten...hey hey hey
Don't know it...highly recommend it...the video is a little "rough" for my liking but its a way to hear the song which I love...

So moving running on...


  1. First of all, I think it's just awful of MM to not have the courtesy to sit down with you and break things off. What is up with men who just have no respect? It's not like you only went on or two dates. The amount of times you saw each other requires that he tell you if "he's just not that into you."

    I did the C25K last summer and loved it. I have never, ever liked running before. My tip to you though is to hang in there. The first 3 weeks were the hardest for me. Honestly though, once you get past a certain point, it actually becomes enjoyable and totally do-able! You can do it!

  2. I hope you are able to stick to it better than I was. I finally gave up because I just HATED it so much that I figured that wasn't exactly going to help my purpose for doing it (which was to reduce my stress levels and get in shape). So I've been trying to do things like Zumba (my favorite) and occasionally Piloxing, but have been really bad the last 2 weeks due to sickness and now being on vacation! I hope to get back to it soon but considering the fact that when I get back, my work is going to kick my @ss, I'm getting doubtful. Hopefully we can motivate each other to stick to something! I'm really sorry about what happened with MM - that is ridiculous. You will get it all together, you just need to give yourself a little more time. I think things will feel better when you are moved into your shiny new place in the city. :)

  3. @Liz- I thought so too :( Okay I'm glad I'm not the only one who dislikes it at this point. So I will stick it through though week three sure looks intimidating. Thanks for the encouragement.

    @AnEarly30- hmmmm that may be my story too because I generally HATE running. Zumba sounds like so much more fun...and I do need to look into taking once the income settles down. You are so busy it is totally understandable that it has lagged a little bit in that department (which happens to me too when things get busy)...that would be great to motivate each other to stick to it :) And yes I am baffled by MM. I'm holding on to hope that it will get better and you're right I probably do need to give it more time...I think in generally my first 3 monthsin a new city are always the hardest.

  4. I think that everyone hates running. Seriously. I hate running (and I do it a good deal). But you sort of get to this point where, once you've done it enough, to crave it. Even though you hate it. ...that's the case for me, anyway.

    Now, I know you were feeling guilty about your dinner but that picture honestly made me want to lick the screen.

  5. @A- I'm so glad you told me that because I thought I was so weird for hating it. But truth now that I was told I can't for the next 6-8 weeks I'm actually disappointed! The app also helped immensely...iPhone = genius.