I am for some reason SUPREMELY bothered by MM and his "abrupt disapperence".
(see previous post)
I don't get it.
How do you go from asking for someone to move in with you (albeit only for 6 weeks...and this totally had me FREAKED out...and that is why I declined in the nicest way possible 4 times! Well and I was way more comfortable moving in with Eva and her husband...but really that is really here nor there).
How do you go from that...to straight up ignoring ...to a gmail chat rejection?!?!?!
I am so annoyed.
I am so annoyed because I don't understand people.
Maybe I do wear my heart on my sleeve.
But in general I say what I mean and I mean what I say.
And I hold probably too fiercely to it.
I have since I was little.
Call it fear of abadonement etc.
But I remember being 6 and asking my dad repeatadly if he said something...if he PROMISED something.
And I would hold him to it because I remembered everytime.
I understand people are entitled to change and grow but seriously have some compassion for me (someone who doesn't flip flop or change their mind about many things).
It has just seemed to happen a lot for me...abadonment.
And really the common denominator...me.
It is so darn frustrating.
I am so perturbed.
And you know what...running does not help.
I just started running again.
I was keeping it a secret in case I failed at that too...grrr.
It has been a long time since I've run.
Watching Eva's wedding video and I think I look massive.
I don't think I've ever been this big.
I know what it is lack of activity and being a big stressball.
I hate the way I looked there and in pictures lately I find myself trying to find the right angle and sucking in with all my might.
My own issues.
But I also do bad mentally without exercise.
It all adds up to one big negative experience.
So run I must.
I thought I needed a new strategy.
Because I detest running.
It is not fun and maybe it is because I find it hard.
And really do you want to know when something is fun?
When you are good at it.
So I'm going to try and become good at running because it has always been a struggle for me.
So I did some searching and have read on other people's blogs about the Couch to 5K.
I started and today was Week 2 Day 2.
|Pick from here|
I hate every pounding minute of it.
I did make it easier by downloading an App onto the iPhone
(can we say obsessed much with Apps?)
Anywho...this app traces your route on a map and times you, and tells you when to run/walk (it is an interval program) etc.
Here are screen shots from this website.
To show you what it does.
For the record...I have yet to select the Smiley face when I run.
Today was hard because it is cold and rainy.
And when I read what other people run...I want to hang my head in shame.
I think I must be the slowest runner in the entire world.
I won't tell you my run pace or walk pace or distance but think of a number in your head and add like 5 minutes and subtract like 2 miles...so annoying.
And I also thought running cleared your head!
I have an endless stream of thoughts.
like...ughhh it's rainy...why did I start the run parts on this uphill? My feet hurt...at least I'm not as sweaty today as Monday...Okay this 90 seconds of running is okay and not as bad as I thought (being bumped up from 60 seconds)...I'm a total beginner...I wonder what you are supposed to do with your hands...I feel like I run sort of like Phoebe from friends...okay park time ...avoid all the goose poop...almost...turn onto another street and gosh the 60 seconds of walking is over again?!...maybe I should look at the ground less ...look ahead...is that...no...it can't be...oh my gosh that is total MM's car...yup it sure is...what is he doing in this neighbourhood he lives downtown...hmmm his parents do live in this general area...oh gosh he is backing out of that driveway...turn around turn around fast...increase running speed...oh my gosh...seriously?! don't turn around and look over your shoulder ...don't turn around...dart down this street...what the heck???...thank goodness I'm supposed to walk again...I am always so happy when the dude says...walk...or workout complete...that was a close one...especially looking like this...not so awesome...I can't wait to get home...
So you can clearly see there is nothing about running that clears my head.
And how do I know that it is MM's car you may be thinking?
Without giving away what it is...
I have only ever seen this car twice.
His is gray and the only one I have seen ever in my life was blue...in Texas.
It is very distinct and instantly recognizable.
So much so that once we were out for dinner in Toronto and his friends played a joke on him and called him and told him his car was being towed...so he bolted out of the restaurant to check and they were all having a good laugh about it...because they had randomly walked by a street in Toronto (Canada's New York) and recognized it (by model because he has no like bumper stickers etc that would make it recognizable).
He was probably picking up his date.
I kind of have the feeling he is used to dating a lot.
I feel like a total lame nerdy person.
I want to be social again and go on a million dates.
And be this flirty vivacious person.
I have some friends that are SO SOOOO good at this.
I've never quite gotten it down.
MM was the first person I "dated" after Spencer.
Not the first person I kissed though...hello chef hottie...haha
Eva joked that her bachelorette and wedding were good times for me.
At the time...totally.
So anywho here are the things that I want to do in the next couple of weeks.
1. go on lots of dates (just have to figure out exactly how someone goes about getting dates).
2. make more girlfriends (I love my girls that are here but I think I need some of the single variety...and I need a much busier social calendar to be happy).
3. kick butt at work (I'm not at all right now).
4. stop thinking fattyfattyboombatty when I look in the mirror.
5. find a 5 K to run after this tortuous couch to 5 K program so that I do fully commit to it.
In the words of Drake...
I'm more than just an option...hey hey hey...refuse to be forgotten...hey hey hey
Don't know it...highly recommend it...the video is a little "rough" for my liking but its a way to hear the song which I love...