I have this super weird feeling going on.
Let me try to (but unlikely will actually) explain.
It's something deep down and unsettling.
I'm likely to actually be getting ahead of myself and making no sense also.
So let's say I'm giving you a fair warning 'kay?
The thing is it has to do with Jacob.
And though I realize it could be all talk.
He says he is ending things with his pseudofiancee and moving forward with us because he knows we are "meant to be".
Here's my confession... I don't know this 100%.
Let's just "pretend" for a second that is happening.
If that is the case I start into a full fledged panick.
I'm going to be as honest as possible about everything.
Even though it might make me sound bad or not paint a favourable picture of me.
(And THAT is very hard for me to do).
Here's the thing.
I feel like I should make a choice.
And I'm not sure what to do.
Let me try and explain in a logical order.
Starting with the Real Me.
Trying to discover who I am.
The Real "Me"
Some of the things (I think I'm learning) is that I like nice things, and I grew up a certain way.
One of the ways I feel loved (not that I WANT to be like this) is to receive gifts.
That is what I learned from my parents.
I think there may even be a term for this type of person.
And I'm not thinking of SPOILED BRAT...I think there is actually a term for this.
Anywho...this is something I've learned.
Something I CRAVE is affection through touch and nicknames and mushiness (and I attribute this to the lack of this from my parents).
The sort of not funny joke with the girls is that I had to learn how to hug and not do an awkward half hug shrug away.
But I actually crave affection through touch (I'm still a sucker for holding hands in the mall etc at 29 years old! and I think that will never change).
Give me a nickname I melt because it's special and in cheerleading you "earned" a nickname.
I love love and affection and I'm a hopeless romantic.
So let's add a couple of more random things to the mix.
I have seen friends go through relationships.
And the thing is I think it is important for a guy to feel like a guy and a breadwinner (don't be mad readers!)
I think sometimes with what I do and what I've experienced and been fortunate enough to be from the family I'm from...is usually (well in every SINGLE case been more (financially)) then any boy I've ever been with.
So what do I do?
If I want to go on a trip (I pay).
If I want to get them an expensive gift (I do).
If I want to eat out at a nice restaurant or go to the latest concert (I buy tickets etc).
If I want something nice for myself (I save up and buy it for myself).
I think this is sort of wrong...but then what do you do...NOT do those things?
So my friend Taylor once wrote a list...so here is mine.
The List (aka Teagan's Ultimate Dream Man List)
- Man (starting off slow here people).
- Dark hair, dark eyes.
- Gym guy (I love the super meat head looking guys...sorry that is what I'm attracted too...no skinny lanky tall guys for this girl (tried it ONCE with Spencer...and well you sort of know how that worked out).
- Orphan (I'm sort of half joking about this...in the past I felt like guys picked their family first...and while a good relationship is important for a guy to have I want to be the #1)
- Being the #1 MOST important person in the ENTIRE world to this man.
- Someone that doesn't leave (I know I totally have an abandonment issue).
- Must love chihuahuamixes (duh).
- Likes to dance (and willing to take dance lessons with me.
- Someone who likes to give compliments (I need it).
- Someone who gives me a nickname...but something special.
- ?Someone that loves myself for myself.
- Someone who has the same beliefs (religious without necessarily going to church every Sunday)
- Someone who has the same habits with reguards to eating (mostly healthy), and working out (very necessary).
- Someone who likes my profession.
- Someone who is a manly man (I want a spider killer, lift heavy things, unscrew tight jars, provider (thought I would sneak that in...which should lead to).
- I want someone that does well financially (at least better then myself).
- I never wanted to be a stay at home mom (that IS a full time job...just not one I want).
- Someone who wants to live in a condo downtown (I don't ever want a yard and I love living in high rise condos in the middle of all the action).
- I want someone who is social and likes to do fun active things (I love socials and galas and art openings and restaurants and broadway shows and hockey games and dinner parties).
- Someone who has a travel bug like I do (culture and food and art and history and willing to go to museums and journey the world together...nothing sounds worse then visiting the same allinclusive in Cancun every year because it is a good "value").
Maybe I will add more later.
So here is why I have this totally weird nagging feeling.
Is Jacob settling?
I'm at a cross roads here.
I've done some good over the last few months I've moved to Toronto.
However I'm still more hermit than socialite.
I have tried to email my alumni night group here (with no response), I reached out to the All-Star Cheerleading club I used to coach at to try and coach again (with no response) and I feel sort of stuck.
I am bothered that I reached out and nothing.
Here's the ideal.
You take my FABULOUS bestie Taylor and pluck her in a new city and BLAM instant friends.
This amazing lady is social and everyone instantly loves her.
I'm not that...but I think it is a choice (even if it feels not so).
There are things I could do for sure to reach out more but I am choosing not to.
Therefore 100% my fault.
Val even suggested that one night I stay late when I work smack downtown and explore a bit...try and make some friends.
But I don't.
I'm nervous and afraid.
For no good reason at all.
So here comes The Choice (or what feels like "the choice").
Choose your own adventure Teagan.
"Decide to go down the stairs" turn to page 106
Jacob*( if you realized above Jacob has the blue qualities...and clearly not 100% is about half enough?), safe, easy, I know what it will be like.
Comfortable in my little world I've created.
But I will be content (maybe) and is that enough?
"Climb out the window, jump to the roof and then find your way down from there" turn to page 108
Force myself out of the bubble.
Take a yoga class downtown and FORCE myself to make friends.
Go to a happy hour by myself until I meet people (how to make it so I'm NOT picking up but actually there to meet friends I'm not sure...is this how you meet girl friends? How else do you make more friends?). And this thing ACTUALLY terrifies me!
Turn Jacob down (scary too) and wait for someone who meets the ultimate dream list (though I'm not sure this will exist).
Join a dating site and date multiple guys.
It was at basically at living this life when I was living in Singapore that I had all this ANDDDD then I meant Spencer and it all went to crap (months later...I think I still regret leaving Singapore). I had this in Dallas too right before I started dating Jacob (and I definitely regret leaving Dallas).
Will this make me happy? Only if it works.
So what do I choose page 106 or page 108.
Pic from here,