Seventeen and Eighteen

Some parts of this post will be rather brief.
As I'm trying to get to the "good" stuff.
So here we go...


Seventeen (I alluded to it here in my grumpiness).
MrKent came up here and we decided on a later movie time so we could grab dinner.
We had dinner at Milestones.


Then we headed to see Snow White and the Huntsman.
Overall I really enjoyed it.
Even though I was cranky that he seemed turned away the whole time.
Granted he was coughing and sneezing a ton.
This was one sick boy.


Eighteen was planned to be in wine country.
Our first out of town date.
A big deal as is mentioned in Bridget Jones' Diary.


It fell through.
We couldn't get a place to stay over night.
MrKent was still quite ill.
Therefore standing outside in the heat food and wine pairing to loud music wasn't the best.
And then it called for thunderstorms all day Saturday.
So instead of pouting I put my best no complaint here smile on and said we'll just catch the next event next month there.


Instead we went for dinner at Asia Legend (like on date nine).
Had a great dinner.
Then we headed to the grocery store to pick up popcorn and the ingredients to make Hot Toddy's (as he was still not 100%).
We watched Chronicle and Taken before heading to bed.


This morning we woke up leisurely.
Then headed to breakfast at O&B Cafe Grill (just like on date fifteen but the one in the North end of the city close to my place).
Afterwards we headed around the mall strolling blissfully through Restoration Hardware and Chapters.


We took a drive around before deciding to stop at the shops at Don Mills (an outdoor shopping centre).
Which was the perfect place to get ice cream.
Then we strolled around hand in hand the rest of the afternoon.


As he drove me back to my place he said I'll come up for a bit.
Which had me grinning from ear to ear (I really enjoy spending time with this man).
Then we watched X-Men First Class and looked through travel magazines together chatting and joking around.


Then he got this really serious face on.
And he said "ummm Teagan I think to be fair to you we need to have a conversation".
And my heart started pounding.
This could not be good.


And he let me know he isn't ready for a relationship.
He said he still has a lot of emotional wounds from his last relationship (that ended shortly before we began hanging out- something that I did NOT know about because initially we had conversations of how he WAS ready for a relationship).
He basically said you're wonderful and it isn't you at all!
Ummm thanks.


He said that this is the point where he should be officially talking about boyfriend/girlfriend titles.
But he just couldn't.
He was still heartbroken over his last relationship and he just wasn't ready.
And he thought he would be.
He said he thought the doubts would go away because he really did like me.  
But if we hung out for another month he felt like we would be having this conversation and it would be even jerkier.
And he was starting to stress out about it.


I sat there STUNNED.
I mean I guess I had an inkling (hence my freak out here).
But still it seemed to come from left field.
Especially given the last 24 hours.

In fact he said, "this is totally coming out of left field for you isn't it?"
I just nodded dumbfounded.
And I tried to be gracious and thought to myself...wow what a crap week.


Then as he got up to leave.
It was so awkward and I stood far from him.
As he put on his shoes and said, "and now I'm probably making another huge mistake".
I just whispered "don't".


And with that he walked out the door.
Not a goodbye was uttered by either of us.
And I shut the door.
And just slid down the door and sat down on the floor for a minute.
Just reminding myself.
To breathe.

The Sads

I'm sitting here on this lovely Saturday afternoon with the sads.
I'm bummed.
With a bajillion random ramblings in my head.


I just watched Being Elmo ...a happy documentary about the guy that is Elmo.
Well the guy that is the puppeteer of Elmo.
I figured I needed a little happy.

That didn't exactly work.
Don't get me wrong it is inspiring and joyous but I'm in a funk.
Ughh.


Yesterday I cried twice at work.
Don't worry in the privacy of my own office.
Because I kept panicking that I made too hasty of a decision giving my parents the okay to put Arlie down.
That is the first time I have ever used a real name in this blog.
He deserves to have his name for real remembered.


Oh my heart hurts.
And I was so looking forward to a weekend in wine country forgetting this past week.
But it didn't happen.


I left it up to MrKent to organize.
He couldn't get us a B&B in the area 
(granted this particular part of wine country is tiny doesn't have a ton of options).
Then we were just going to go for the day.
But it called for thunderstorms today.
And I was really getting irritated because we couldn't nail down concrete plans.


Last evening we finally decided to touch base in the morning.
He touched base at like 10:30.
And I was already cranky.
And finally after a lot of passiveness I just called him to be like ...
"ummm what are the plans".


I know I was snippy.
Finally I suggested if he wanted to go to this event we go tomorrow.
And then I mumbled something about "so I don't know what the rest of your weekend looks like or if you have things to do or what should be the alternative plan".


So he thought about it (ie. a lot of awkward silence on the phone).
Then I (in my full insecurity irritableness) said 
"ummm I feel like I'm putting you on the spot and it's making me feel bad".
He suggested he get some things done for work etc this afternoon and he would think about evening plans.
I just said "sure sound good talk to you later".
Even though I'm so thoroughly cranky and irritated.
And still kind of think maybe I'm sabotaging us.
If there is an us.


And now I'm proceeding to huff and pout in my current couch position.
Still in a robe but with my hair styled and dried.
Still without makeup or an outfit laid out 
(because I don't know what or if we are doing something tonight).
And I realize I'm just in a crazy funk.
This week has put me into a tailspin.


And then I sit here and my heart just aches for Arlie.
I don't know if someone held him during his last breathe.
Or if they handed him over to a vet tech.
And this fills me with grief.
I didn't want him to suffer but I just worry I made too hasty a decision.


I just miss him so much.
I miss him beside me.
And as the tears (currently) roll down my face.
I remember his too short life with me...

I remember driving two and a half hours to Brownsville Texas.
To a kill shelter.
And seeing his tiny face behind a chainlink fence.
His name there was Walter and that seemed like such an old man name for such a sweet little dog.


Learning about him and the sad news of his past.
He was abused and still had broken ribs when I got him.
Barely 5 pounds and fully grown he was 2 years old when I got him.
I remember going through his treatment of heartworm and how tough and long that seemed.


The first reason I got him was because I was lonely in Dallas.
I had only been living in Dallas for two and a half weeks when I brought Arlie home.
He made my one bedroom apartment feel much less lonely.
When I moved to Dallas I had always either lived with my family or the Waterloo Girls.
It was much too quiet there (much like it is today).
We learned to trust each other.
He learned not to take a single piece of kibble from the bowl and hide with it to eat it before retrieving another piece.
He also learned to play fetch.
It only took him about 6 months not to run and hide in the opposite direction of the stuffed toy I threw.


My parents who thought it was such a bad idea to get a dog.
Feel in love with him too.
No one could meet Arlie and not love him.
SO many people would tell me "usually I don't like little dogs but he's different".  
And they were right ...he was.

I remember for every single test him studying with me.
He insisting on curling up on my lap each time.
He was just the best dog ever.


He flew with me to Dallas, to Florida, to Canada and a few other places.
He was with me each time I found out I passed an exam.
We moved to Philadelphia to be with Jacob together.


He used to love Rittenhouse Square park and would strut like he owned it.
Arlie (not Jacob).
He loved going to the beach just not the water.
He hated swimming and tried to escape each time.
He knew how to pray...(I wish I had a pic to show you).


He would curl up in a little tiny ball.
It earned him the nickname Coyote.
Though I have no idea if Coyote's actually curl up in a ball.

He sat with me as I bawled my eyes out the day Jacob left me in Philadelphia.
He was as angry as I was when we briefly moved back to Canada.
We both hated the cold.
When I moved to Singapore I cried my eyes out leaving him...
he was the only thing that made me cry when I left Canada (sad but true).
He let me have it when I moved back to Canada 
(almost biting my hand off when I first came back with Spencer).


For some reason he seemed to love Spencer.
Weird because he never liked any male at first.
He was with me when I would just lie on the couch in the fall of 2010 when Spencer left me.

I was in a completely depressed state.
I would literally lie on the couch for 10 hours.
He wouldn't move either.


When I moved to Toronto he came with me.
But when he got sick I made the decision here to have him move back to my hometown 
because my parents don't leave the house for 10 hours a day.
That was one of the most difficult decisions I had to make up until this last one.


I loved Arlie so much.
And I miss him so much.
And he has been through so much with me.
He has been a constant.
And now he's gone.
I'm sorry for such a crappy bummy post but boy do I ever feel crappy and bummy.

Rest in Peace.

Arlie Walter.

February 1, 2002-June 7, 2012.

Bad News

I've had a rough week.
Things I haven't even told y'all about...


My crappy post this morning didn't even touch on it all.
Since Monday...
My car broke down 
Had to get a rental because of work
I got ripped off by said rental that had an Enterprise desk at the car dealership
Had to arrange the car to be towed to my hometown
My dad drove up one of his work vehicles for me to use for 2 weeks.
Today I scratched the CRAP out of on entire side of the truck in my parking garage 
(that I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell him that).
I woke up congested and coughy and sick 
(and all that without even making out with MrKent!)
I felt awful all day at work.
This work week was just awful.


I came home tonight and just went straight to bed.
Only to be woken up by my dad calling.
My parents decided to put down my dog tomorrow.
And my heart just broke.
I'm so so so sad.
He was the best dog we ever had.
Was what my dad just said.
And right now I just can't stop crying.

I took this picture when I was home over Mother's Day weekend.

Doubt

Pic from here

I was just going to save this post in my drafts.
Because I get worried about what people will think a lot.
I want everyone to like me and think I'm great 
(total flaw that I'm slowly trying to work on)...
hence I thought I would at least post it for a little while.
My biggest fears include me not being able to sustain a relationship because of my feelings...the feeling that maybe I am a little "crazy" as Spencer said near the end.
I know I over think and analyze things...I'm hoping that is not impossible for someone to deal with.
So deep breath...here it goes...


I need to write about Seventeen.
But there was a dreaded feeling on seventeen.
Doubt.


Is there any worse a feeling?
Also let me preface this with an it's my fault/I'm probably exaggerating 
(I mean helLO this is me we are talking about).


Last night the first bits of doubt.
Him arriving late.
Not one compliment the whole night.
Which leads me to the conclusion that OBVIOUSLY he doesn't find me attractive.
And makes me mad at myself for wearing jeans and a t-shirt.


Sitting in a dark movie theatre...
hoping for a hand on the knee... 
arm over the shoulder...
any kind of touch really.


Myself anxiety ridden about this weekend that we are supposed to go to wine country.
Only the plans aren't finalized at all 
(ie. we don't exactly have confirmation of a place to stay).
No confirmed plans seems like not a big deal to him. 
He's pretty easy breezy that way.
But the lack of plans has me practically hyperventilating on the inside.


No walking me up to my apartment just a quick drop off in front.
No post date text message for the first time.
And I was full on freaking out.
And feeling awkward and uncomfortable.


I can't help but feel like he isn't interested.
Or perhaps for the first time a little bit of doubt.
Can he give me enough attention?
Should he have to?
Or is it my own insecurities I need to sort out to not need that kind of attention?


I hate to use the word fault because it isn't what I really mean.
But I think the above is sort of getting to...
Is it his fault?
Or
Is it my fault?
(Let's be clear and please know I usually come to the conclusion that it is my fault).


Now before we actually jump to these fast moving conclusions.
I should give you a few final details.


MrKent and I have had this conversation before.
He is hard to read...which I'm interpreting as his relationships usually end because women do not think he is interested.
Sort of like how I'm starting to feel.


But where is the line...where is disinterested?
Should every man when he meets the woman of his dreams instantly be infatuated and perfect and verbalizing so?
Are some men different?
Or does it just take the RIGHT woman to bring that infatuated side out?


This was part of the reason I fell so hard for Spencer.
I thought THIS is what is is like when you meet TheOne.
This is how he is supposed to treat you.
Tons of compliments, and wanting to spend every second with each other, and have you hands all over each other...makes moving across the world less scary 
(or at least seem so at the time).
BUT that turned out to not be the case ...so I'm left confused.


So something else that I didn't really mention...


MrKent was pretty sick yesterday.
He didn't go to work on Tuesday and pretty much slept the entire day.
When he picked me up for our date in my northeast end of the city I went in to kiss him.
He was like...I'm really gross and I don't want to get you sick.
And he was all coughey and congested and didn't sound great at all.


We went for dinner and then headed to the movies 
(you know the good stuff that I will write about in Seventeen).
I noticed he needed a ton of boy Kleenex (ie. napkins from concession).
In the movie he had a coughing/sneezing attack.
He sounded miserable.


When he dropped me off he said...yea I just don't like to get people sick.
When I joked about having a strong immune system.
He laughed and said...still I don't want to get you sick.


So maybe sometimes I need to stop thinking about ...ME.
And be a little bit more considerate.
Oh yea and also not go all crazygirl.

Saturday Night Fever

After getting dropped off by MrKent.
I quickly got ready (ie. reapplied deodorant).
I headed to Laurel's place so we could head downtown.


We went to Czehoski's.
It is in the trendy Queen West/Ossington area.

Pic from here

I had the Palmerston Burger.
Laurel got the Blue Crab Mac and Cheese.
The boys got Perogies.
The service was terribly slow (not even close to a full restaurant either) 
and we all agreed it was just so so.
Which was super surprising for a diner's choice award winner on OpenTable.


After we headed to Sweaty Betty's.
Here's what Toronto Life says about it:


Absinthe is the beverage of choice for Trinity Bellwoods’ tortured literati, who rendezvous nightly at this small, bordello-inspired den. Flickering candles illuminate the deep crimson walls, marked with early-20th-century tattoo flash. Thick roped curtains, a faux crystal chandelier and shabby-chic (OK, more shabby than chic) second-hand furnishings contrast with the contemporary jukebox, which spews boisterous beats by Nick Cave, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Bloc Party and Ray Charles.

Pic from here of Sweaty Betty's

Pic from here

Ugh I absolutely detest a name like that for a bar.
It was the appropriate dark and coolness factor for a bar.
Had a great time chatting with the group.
Though my stomach was starting to feel a little queasy.


After a drink we decided to hop places to TheOssington. 
It was just up the block a little bit.
It was INCREDIBLY loud when we walked in.
We weren't quite ready for aloud bar and I think we all wanted to chat a bit more.

Pic from here

So much so that we quickly decided to keep walking up to Levack Block.

Pretty cool bar on the corner.  Pic from here.

And it was actually super cool inside.

Pic from here.

And then I started feeling really queasy.
Mixed with the warmth of a bar and the spring night.
Laurel asked if I wanted to step outside.
And as I sucked in some cooler air outside...I knew I had to head home.
I felt so incredibly nauseous.
And it wasn't just because a limo bus pulled up with what was the THIRD bachelorette party headed into the place haha.


It was so disappointing.
I was totally craving a night out like this.
With some cool new friends cutting loose and enjoying the night.


Instead with my stomach doing loop de loops I was headed home.
Made it just inside my door before completely upchucking (sorry folks for the TMI).
But afterwards I actually did feel better.
Except for the feeling of disappointment at what fun that night could have been.


Later on Laurel and everyone even went to HawkerBar (I wrote about it here before).
What a bummer of a night it turned out to be.
BUT I'm so excited though because I was invited to a summer BBQ Laurel and her fiance are hosting in two weeks!
Yea for making friends.

Tragedy

Saturday afternoon MrKent and I had been at the Eaton Centre.
Mainly we used their parking garage so that we could go to Homesense 
but then decided to stop in a few other places in the mall.
I've been to the Eaton Centre multiple times.


To me the Eaton Centre was the big extravagant downtown mall I remember visiting as a child.
With fancy stores and it just seemed so cool.
I could hardly believe that this was people's local mall.
(Especially compared to the little malls in my home town).


It's generally always busy.
It has a good atmosphere.
I never had a concern.
I never thought twice about going there.
But now I will.


Saturday someone decided to go on a shooting rampage in the food court.
1 person is dead.  
7 are injured.
There was a mad rush of people sprinting out onto the street.


I'm not going to post pictures that are splattered across the internet.
You can google it if you're so inclined.
But it bothers me immensely.


I can't wrap my head around it.
Will I ever head into the Eaton Centre without thinking about it?
Likely not.


Such a tragic thing to happen.
On a busy Saturday.
When families were just enjoying the evening at the mall.
I'm so so bothered by this.


My thoughts and prayers to all families involved.
What a sad day for Toronto.

Sixteen

Date Sixteen could not come fast enough.
With my self induced panic about nothing.
I was counting it down until I got to see MrKent.
It felt like a VERY long week.


He was so sweet and so nice.
I had mentioned wanting to go to Jump a bit ago.
The sole reason??? Taylor, my cousin and I shared a bottle of house Chardonnay (during this 2011 trip). 
that was so incredibly delicious.
And the fact that it is an O&B (Oliver and Bonacini restaurant)...I have NEVER had bad food or bad service at ANY of their places ever!


So I totally had that to look forward to.
And then I just about ruined it all (more of THAT to come).
MrKent was so sweet he messaged me the plan without me even having to ask.
Which is great because he knows that gives me comfort.
He really is amazing...now if I could not freak out for a minute that would be good.


So he picked me up in like the worst weather ever.
It was pouring rain and so incredibly windy.
I hopped into his car and settled in.


So we headed downtown (obviously).
He even offered to drop me off at the restaurant first 
(before parking his car the 15 minute walk or so from his place).
By the time we reached downtown the weather was milder so I said I'd rather walk with him.Even if we did get caught in the rain I had visions of romantic movies where the guy pulls in the girl for an amazing kiss...a la Dear John.

So we headed to Jump.
Hand in hand.
Me totally just  blissed out.

Pic from here

So we sat down.
And when I looked at the cocktail list...I kid you NOT...a cocktail called ClarkKent.
Which I told him..."okay OBVIOUSLY I have to order this" giggling.
And he agreed (he also notes this comparison that he gets often).


And it was great.
Here is the inside.

Pic from Jump's website

Pic from Jump's website.  Loved the oversized lighting fixtures...so fun.

Now picture it dark with twinkly city lights shining through the glass ceiling.
Super romantic.
I love the little details.
This is one of O&B's more casual places.
I loved the clever coasters.

Pic from here.

They brought some bread to the table with a roasted red pepper/marinara type sauce.

Pic from here.

We both started off with the Wild & Tame Mushroom soup.

Pic from here.

For our mains we decided on.
The pappardelle...which is pretty much my favourite.
MrKent guessed that is what I was going to order.
Again how amazing is he.
We went with the large since we knew we would share.

For his main he picked the Roasted Filet of Sea Bass.

Our food was amazing.
And we laughed and chatted and I got a little tipsy.
And I was just grinning from ear to ear.


Afterwards we walked home and watched Abduction.
Which I actually really like.
Chatting and snuggling and talking the whole time.
(It's a good thing it isn't a super complicated movie haha).


Then we got into sort of an intense conversation.
And by sort of intense I mean I pestered him about this one little detail that I misinterpreted.
Which he denied but I think I was rather insistent on.
Not to "blame it on the alcohol" but this girl was rather tipsy.
And now I'm annoyed at myself for that.
And all because I think deep down I wanted to have "that conversation".
The one where you determine that you are officially "boyfriend and girlfriend".
Only I KNOW there isn't really a need for that.
It just apparently is bothering me since as soon as my inhibitions were lowered and I then chose to pounce on that.
Picture me shaking my head into my hands now!
I know I was a complete pest about it.
And MrKent ever the calm cool and collected stayed that way.
Even though it also may have been the second time we had this convo...after I was tipsy.
So so so so super duper annoyed at myself.


So Saturday I woke up determined to be more bendy.
And not so pesty.
We got all set and decided to head to a place he was thinking of for breakfast.
We went to The Bellevue in the Kensington Market area.
Think super urban/hipster area.
Which is funny because MrKent and I are super preppy and nowhere near hipster.
I remember leaning over to MrKent and whispering..."I don't think I'm "cool" enough to eat here".  Which made him laugh, nod in agreement and say back "me too!".
But that didn't stop us!

We sat on their patio pic from here.

The patio is actually built on a little elevated area now...versus this picture that didn't have it.

Pic from here

I think I was a little quiet and awkward.
I was so super annoyed at myself.
I'm worried I sabotaged how good we are due to my own insecurities.


Anyway we quickly were excited by the fun menu.

Pic from here

The well worn wooden tables.
The great music.
And it helped to have such a handsome man to look at :)


And their espresso drinks...oh my goodness amazing!!!

Pic from here

After enjoying breakfast we were on the hunt for blackout curtains for my room.
So we headed to West Elm in Liberty Village.

Pic from here

And as we strolled along.
He kept chatting about all kinds of things.
And I kept worrying about how I maybe ruined things last night.
When I probably should have just enjoyed the time and not been freaking out.
After all we were shopping for curtains on a Saturday afternoon...do I need more boyfriend/girlfriend confirmation than that?!  Duh.  So mad at myself.


The we took a break and clearly needed another espresso drink so we headed to Balzac's in Liberty Village...they also have one in the Distillery District.

The trendy coffee shop on the corner.  Pic from here.  Love seeing the CN tower in the back right too!

So cute on the inside.

Pic from here

I loved the fun patterned floors!  Pics from here.

So we got out coffee to go and went for a walk around Liberty Village.
Before deciding to head downtown to a Homesense where MrKent had noticed some curtains last weekend.
We headed there and they didn't have EXACTLY what I was looking for.
So I passed.
But we did find a beautiful teak bench that could work for his friends (the couple we had dinner with last week who are just finishing their new deck/patio).
So he put it on a paid hold for them.
(Seriously...how amazing is this man?!)


Then we walked in the Eaton Centre.
We joked about the white and brightly coloured VERY tight men's capris that MrKent is clearly (not) missing from his wardrobe in the window of Zara.
Before heading into the parking lot and driving away from the Eaton Centre downtown.
(Not a moment too soon...I'll talk about that in a later post unfortunately.


Then before I knew it we had to head back to his place to grab my things so I could make it in time for my Saturday evening plans.
I was still a little quiet.
And as we got into his car for him to take me home.
I whispered, "I'm really sorry for that ridiculous intense conversation last night".
MrKent sort of brushed it off...but I'm still a little worried.


We drove home.
And we do this little dorky thing.
Where there is a strip of grass on the Don Valley Parkway aka the DVP 
(main highway between my place and downtown).
Where we look for the groundhog.


There is an article here about it.
You see the weird thing is this strip of grass is between the south and north bound lanes.

Pic from the article.

The last 3 weeks or so we haven't seen our usual one.
But we did see a roadkill one two weeks ago :(
And I've been looking and looking.
And on our way home as the sun was shining down we saw 5 groundhogs!
And we both got silly excited about it.


When we got to my place he walked me up to my apartment.
Before kissing me goodbye.
And I can only hope I didn't ruin it.