Next Time

Pic from here

So on Tuesday I was all set to hang out for date four with MrTrader.
I was little a little worried given the previous date (read here if you missed it).
He suggested I come over and we just order in.
So I headed on over to his place (after getting his address from him because my memory was certainly a little hazy.

He is definitely very handsome.
And he had a bottle of red wine decanted when I arrived (LOVED that).
So we sort of giggled and catched up on our respective trips (mine Dallas, him Nantucket).

And he likes to tease me a little.
He said I barely ate and maybe we should just order in a personal size pizza....those who know me well know I can eat like a horse...unless I'm nervous...which I always am on initial dates lol.
So I told him that (look at me being all open and honest).

So we watched the hockey game on TV and chatted and drank red wine and ordered a pizza.
He made me make the selection.
So I ordered the Americana ...to which he teased me even more for because he likes to say I'm American.

After I was a little fidgety and nervous.
He pulled me onto his lap as he kissed me.
At some point I pulled away and called him a bad influence.
He thought if I was going to call him a bad influence he may as well be one.
And that is how one thing lead to another...

After we lay in bed sipping on glasses of wine.
I almost spit my wine all over his sheets when he asked me if the last serious relationship I was in was when I was married.  I definitely did NOT remember telling him that the last time.
And when I thought about it...it's been 3 years.
I can't believe I told him that.
We talk about many different things and I'm starting to really crush on him.

He invited me to stay over but I declined.
After all it was a school night.
Plus I didn't have a toothbrush or anything with me.
He said next time I should bring things and stay over.
Those may just have been my favourite two words he said that night...next time...

out of the woodwork

What is up with these guys lately?
So I never expected to hear from MrTenderfoot again.
Do you remember the last post about him? (here)
He like disappeared off the face of this earth.

And then this week...

Here it is zoomed in...

I have not responded because I don't know what to say because it was MONTHS ago 
(six to be exact).
So why on earth would he message me now?

Unless...he is in my cousin Bella's wedding next August.
Oh yeah haven't mentioned that on here yet.

She asked me to be her Maid of Honour.
Which is really great.
Minus the fact that I have to make a speech in the same venue I had booked with Spencer.
(Why of all the venues did she have to go with that one?!).
So that is probably why he messaged me...I assume he is also in the wedding party.

Just a weird situation.
Especially with all the boys coming out of the woodwork like they have lately.
I mean seriously wtf.

Pretending

Pic from here

Today is the day.
Wedding day in my home town.
Not mine (OBVIOUSLY).
But the person that I mentioned in this post back here...where I'd mention I'd like to punch her in the face...it's her wedding today.

Like I was already not filled with dread about having to go to this event.
But talking to my mother...who is aghast that I didn't have an appointment to get my nails and hair done.
(I will be doing my own)...also that I neglected to get a new dress.
Which has me second guessing that decision...but it's too late now at 9:53am sitting here sipping tea on my couch willing myself to get ready....maybe I should have made those appointments...ugh.

At least I'm bring B as my date.
He is so funny and goofy and nice and social.
Maybe on our 2.5 hour drive to my home town I will tell him all about Spencer.
Maybe then he will understand how messed up I am.

I thought at least I would have the deflection of my brother's new girlfriend.
Whom I was informed had fake breasts and a child.
But my mum and dad met her last week and love her.
I'm not saying that those who have fake breast and a child aren't really amazing at all...ughhh I don't know what I'm saying.
She is beautiful.
It's that horrendous anxiety creeping up.
They likely will get married and again I will be that person who "almost" got married to my entire large Portuguese family...the old spinster sister.

That's probably why I'm so stressed about tonight.
The dread and feeling of the stares.
The looks of pity that always fall my way.
This is the first family wedding I've attended since my engagement party.
And I'm just stressed.

I feel like I'm carrying around a bowling ball in the pit of my stomach.
Waiting for the smart ass acidic comments that tend to roll so easily out of my family's mouths.
The ones that range from dripping with sarcasm of "are you taking notes" (remember that at this event?)
To the ones of ...well MAYBE one day it will happen for you (emphasis on the maybe).

Part of it is my own insecurity.
The looks of wonder...like obviously there was something so wrong with me that is why Spencer left me the way that he did.
And I will forever be alone.

Part of it is just good old fashioned dread.
I'm so not looking forward to tonight...in fact I feel kind of terrified.
But I'll slap on a smile and pretend like everything is great.
That's how I roll.
Fake it 'till you make it.
Reminding myself to breathe and not cry.
That is pretty much the two thoughts that will be going through my head tonight.
Breathe...don't cry...smile...breathe...don't cry...smile...

Breathe

"Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable" (The Wizard of Oz).

I feel behind.
Like I need to somehow catch up to everything even though I did post less than a week ago.
Maybe I'm just being overdramatic (sort of my style right?!)

I want to write about (but will instead bullet point it and give myself only the option to expand if I feel like it):

• my Sunday day date with MrAccountant
• my Thursday night date with MrAccountant
• how I then left the date for another "business" evening aka club opening with bottle service with the boys at the new hottest club downtown (that I dodged advances and watched inappropriate things go down)
• how I came home to see my wedding dress hanging in my parent's office...just when I was able to forget it was hanging there
• my intent to document our family traditional Christmas to try and appreciate it more (I'll save you the guess I didn't because...)
• The Christmas Eve dinner turned into an ever escalating argument.
• The Christmas Eve tradition of opening all our presents at midnight turning into a huge family blow out where words like this were tossed out...that I can't even bring myself to write down...that I'm struggling with that ..it took the breath and words from me...that all I could do was blink and stare...that led to even my brother calling a cab and leaving...and the heartbreaking awkwardness that followed.
• The uncertainty I have felt in my heart about the future of my family that brings back a scary heavy  dull ache that I haven't felt in a year creeping back in.
• the need to write it down because it is the first sign of a crack...one that might turn into a life changing crack...the feeling of something maybe happening and having no ability to change it...it's not mine to change.
• mistakenly coming across pictures of the last weekend with Spencer...and it's not that I miss him...I don't at all...but why do I just see pure joy and happiness on my face and in my eyes that is mysteriously absent in all pictures since.
• having a discussion yesterday with my mum about Spencer...and the pure foolishness of all my decisions...and the feeling of regret and wistfully wishing I could change the past...that I could somehow unravel this mistake...
• the uncertainty about my career that just keeps popping up in my head like an unrelenting song and I quickly trying to submerse these feelings...of wanting something different of pursuing something entirely different.
• pangs of wanting love ...real love...but also the kind you see on CW drama shows..and the hope that it does exist and it is out there for me.
• I was supposed to drive back to the TDot tonight...instead I stayed at my parents place (they've left for Florida) so I can get an early start tomorrow instead of driving in the dark tonight.
• because of this the quiet stillness of a big house...a house that feels like home that may or may not be around for all that much longer...
• selfish because I still have dreams of bridal showers, and getting ready photos in THIS house and it being so not likely as in not likely to happen at all and if it does then it being so far away that it is completely laughable so why am I thinking about it???
• hate to be cliche but is this what everyone talks about when they say the holiday season is the worst for suicides???  Maybe because it is such a reflective time of the year...like how sometimes things change but stay the exact same.
• this may officially be the most random post of all time...but strangely enough I think I feel better than last year...I think...
• sometimes I have to just remind myself to breathe...

  

My Wedding Day...just kidding

I tried to ignore the fact that today was to be my wedding day.
Only life was like, "Just kidding".
Life can be funny like that.

At least I got to focus on the fun weekend for Jane's 30th birthday bash!
Brooke drove from Ottawa to Kingston to meet up with Jane and they actually drove into Toronto Friday night.
We had a fabulous night of wine, cheese, and more wine.
Val met us at my new place and we broke it in with it's first little party.

We stayed up late watching Something Borrowed (my new favourite movie).
Saturday we got up and made breakfast before heading to ...West Elm.
Thank goodness for my ladies because that desk comes in a huge heavy box!

The store is gorgeous and stunning and I can't wait to go back again.
It is the first and only West Elm in Canada.
So that new white desk was coming home with me :)
After we battled downtown traffic to pick it up we hurried back to my place to meet Val and Eva for birthday pedicures.

My toes now have on "I"m not really a waitress" perfect for this cooling fall weather and a classic OPI colour.

Then we headed to a wonderful restaurant in Burlington so that Quinn could join us.
Her being preggo and oncall for work made it better for us to head there.
It's called Spencer's and it's right on the water.

Stunning...as was the wedding reception being held there too.
So much for trying to block weddings from my mind that day.

I had the lobster which was delicious.
I have never thought of putting french fries with lobster.
But it came in a paper cone and every time I've had french fries in a paper cone they do NOT disappoint.

Eva made Jane's cake from our new skill of cake decorating in Week One - Stars (more about that later).
Isn't it amazing?!
Purple is Jane's favourite colour.

She CUT the cakes from rectangular ones she didn't use a "3" pan or anything.
Eva is definitely our talented Martha Stewart friend (much like Taylor-the totally remind me of each other).
Maybe that's why they are my besties!

So they all at one point had consequtively stepped into the bathroom after I started the trend.
But then Brooke came back carrying a plant.
I thought she had taken it maybe from the fancy bathroom (but wait we weren't that tipsy yet!)

So they gave it to me (the plant).

Plus a box of my favourite dessert treat (macarons).
These ones are from Bobette and Belle in Toronto.

And a card.
Confused?
So was I.
Until I read the front of the card.

And it was because they remembered.
They remembered what today could have been.
And this year.
And I quickly blinked back tears.
And they all just said to read it later.

And I thanked them.
As I tried to keep the tears back.
Even though it was Jane's 30th birthday and I didn't really mention it to them.
They remembered.
Because that is what best friends do.
And I felt hope and I felt loved and I felt incredibly lucky.

Moving on because I'm tearing up again.
We then headed to Second City.
Don't know what that is...

Side note:

The Second City opened its doors on

a snowy Chicago night in December of 1959.

No one could have guessed that this small cabaret

theatre would become the most influential

and prolific comedy theatre in the world.

Soon, Second City's sister-theatre in Canada

developed its own sketch comedy series, SCTV,

hailed as one of the greatest comedy series of all time

and featuring an all-star cast that included

Martin Short, Andrea Martin, Catherine O'Hara,

John Candy, Eugene Levy, Dave Thomas,

Joe Flaherty and Rick Moranis.

Today, The Second City continues to produce

the premiere comic talent in the industry.

From Mike Myers to Steve Carell,

Stephen Colbert to Tina Fey

– The Second City imprint is felt across every

entertainment medium.

It is pretty much a Saturday Night Live type sketch comedy.
It was hilarious and we were rolling with laughter.
I definitely recommend.
And who knows maybe you will see the next Tina Fey out there.
Before we knew it it was 1am so we all headed back to Eva's for a sleepover.

The next morning she made us a big breakfast before we all headed our seperate ways.
Jane, Brooke and I went to a few shops.
Then we came back to my place for them to help me set up the desk!

We opened the box to discover.
A chip on one of the front drawers!

Which is really noticible on the front of the desk especially because the finish is a gorgeous white shiny lacquer.
So I called West Elm and there FABULOUS customer service arranged to deliver a new desk and exchange the old one. (Which thank goodness because it is heavy and too big of a box for me to manuever all alone).  So I had to be patient before I could get it all set up.

Then we went to sort of this less then nice area in Toronto so I could find a 5 drawer dresser.
Everywhere basically they were $800 +.
Even places like West Elm and Restoration Hardware (that is more like $1200) and other stores like The Brick.
I guess it is because that is where those places make money.  Often their bedroom sets will not include the 5 drawer dressers (usually they are like a bed frame, longer dresser with mirror and night stands).
So we went to this area and the first couple of stores had the same kind of pricing.
Then we were in this one place.
And used our negotiating skills.
And offered to take the floor model (which was missing some drawer pulls).
And were able to score this bad boy for $200 (including taxes!!!).
It was the display and we offered to get it off his hands right then and there.
So we hauled it back to my place (thank goodness for Brooke and Jane).

Then they left for home.
So I sat down with a cup of coffee and my macarons and my card.
And read it and bawled my eyes out (in a totally good way).
Go ahead read it.
I challenge you not to cry.

Pics from here, here, here, here, here, here, here,  

Like pushing on a bruise to see if it still hurts...yup it does

Today I got an email with this Subject Line
Subject: Confirmation for your September 17th Wedding!!!
And I felt the now less familiar knot in my stomach.
As I opened the email my hands were shaking...

Hi Teagan,

My name is Lindsay and I have since taken over for Candice since she is away on maternity leave.  Your wedding is fast approaching us and I would like to confirm a few details with you.

Based on my information here, I see you are hosting the cigars ($15.00 each) and would like the roller to start at 5:30pm.  Correct?

I also need you to confirm
1. Number of Guests
2. You current billing address
3.  Is it still the same location as initially discussed?

Also, the credit card used for the deposit is no longer here can you please provide with one for your remaining balance?

Thanks
Lindsay

I responded to let her know that there is no longer a wedding.
I has cancelled with Candice in December
(which is why there is no longer a credit card on file).
And I was actually surprized at how much it bothered me.
I think it was because I was so caught off guard.

Maybe because this was one of the surprizes I had booked for Spencer.
Him and all the guys in his family love cigars.
What better then cigars all night and someone rolling them by hand?!
Well if the hypothetical wedding was still on that is.
It's not.

And it still hurts.
I wish that date didn't practically leap off the calendar at me.
It still does.


Pic from here

Baby Shower Sunday

Happy Sunday!
So I was in my hometown for my cousin's baby's Baptism.
This morning started off a little rocky.

I didn't know what time it started at.
I had assumed that it would be around 1:30 because Sunday Mass is usually around 12 so I figured it would be after mass.
So my mum called my brother and I at 12:23 to let us know the Baptism began at 12:30.
Awesome.

So instead I had more time to take outfit pics in the giant mirror at my parents place.
(Which is part of the Great Mirror Story that I need to tell).
Like this.

And this one. (I had the cardigan to be conservative in Church ...that I ended up missing.

I apologize about scary blurry face but you know...internet "privacy" and all that.
Did you notice I got more bangs...felt like a change was needed.
Here is a closeup to better see the bangs and my fun necklace.

So I was a little perturbed that we didn't go to the Church part.
Especially because I drove the two and a half hours home yesterday to attend.
So instead we met everyone at the restaurant for the lunch afterwards.

The restaurant looks outdoors but is actually indoors.

And as in tradition with my big European family.
There was a lot of people, tons of food and an open bar.
And because there are not a lot of places in my hometown to run events such as this...
Does this look familiar?
I attended a Bridal Shower here (read here).

Which I will pretend being there didn't send me into a brief contemplation of timing and circumstances...and just life.
I tried to push the emerald eyed girl down and keep her from resurfacing but I couldn't help but think about how things could be different.
That if things had worked out differently this could have very easily been my bridal shower.
The questions my family asked would be about if we were all ready for the upcoming wedding and honeymoon...but it wasn't.

Instead it is just this...and I busied myself trying to think of other things like how I really liked the blue hydrangea centre pieces.
The linens were chocolate brown and blue.
It was the same linen (square picqued I think it's called) as my engagement party linens (they were the new style of last year from the 2 different linen companies in my hometown).
I was trying to force myself think of something...anything different.

But you know what?  It was okay.
I survived...through the games of "how can I one up you" etc. that I mentioned yesterday (see here).
Here is the little man of the hour.

After surviving the afternoon.
I left and headed back to the Tdot.
But not without my baby shower favour.
Cute right?

It did make it back to the Tdot though not in it's correct upright position.

I very much dislike the long drive...too much thinking time.
Thinking of how I need to get ready for the week ahead.

When I got in I bumped into Eva and her husband on the way out on a date night.
And despite being able to keep the Emerald Eyed Girl from coming out for such a very long time.  I currently am feeling very very Emerald Eyed.

Pretending like it ain't no thing...

So I'm going to pretend that I don't notice that every day on my drive home I drive past one of the three bridal stores (one of two in Toronto) where I went to try on dresses.
Every day.
There is no real route around it.
Unfortunately.

I know it doesn't look like much from the outside but it had super high priced wedding gowns.
This store was where I tried on this dress.

You know the one that immediately grabs your eye in a magazine.
It was the first one that I tore out and put in my wedding binder.
It was perfect becuase it had all my requirements no lace/beading and pockets/huge big ballgown.
It made me happy to actually realize I didn't like it on (thought the fabric was luxurious!) because it was $6000 versus my $900 still totally useless wedding dress.
But it sure was beautiful...on the model.
In real life if you didn't pose exactly like this model (which made me think of chicken wings for some reason) it gapped all weird away from the body.

So me, I'm going to pretend that it ain't no thing...
Happy Monday...

Pic from here