Valentine's Day Rant

Y'all I was (am?) the type of person who LOVED Valentine's Day.
I loved all the pink and red and mushiness.
The flowers, the candy, the cards and all that love.


Well...
Today I'm in a mood.
I feel like saying F*@% You Facebook pictures/status update.
Ohhhhhh look at me!!!! My boyfriend/fiance/husband is SOOOOOOOOOOO amazing and thinks I'm SOOOOOOOOO amazing.*
BLEH!


I also may just be a little cranky from feeling bloaty and gross.
DOUBLE BLEH!
Actually you know why I'm actually cranky?
Because I'm a hopeless romantic.
Walking out this morning I was secretly hoping...


I totally live in a dream world where I hope and dream and wish that maybe someone** 
...will surprise me with flowers.
Or really a text message.
Heck I'm so so mad at myself to be willing to accept such a 0 effort gesture.
Which is so not even close to being good enough!
And just in case you're wondering not even THAT was made.


This morning I was full of hope.
I even had a Valentine's Day outfit for work.
Please ignore the bloat.
Instead pay attention to my new favourite combo of baby pink and red.

Here are the shoes.
I'm so cranky right now I feel like even my feet are bloaty...gross.

And at the end of the day...reality sets in.
I'm eating leftovers from last evening dinner (more about that later).

Watching the Bachelor.

Alone.


So it actually makes me a little panicky.
I know if I continued to date MrAccountant he would have planned something.
I know if I continued to date MrEngineer/MrDoctor he would have taken me out for dinner (now I may very well have had to pick up the tab but at least I would be out tonight).
I know if I continued to date MrRussian he would have for sure sent flowers, and complimented me and planned something wonderful.
So did I make a mistake?!
Should I not have cleared all those dates I had lined up?
When I felt something there with him**


I get a little panicky when instead of a message from the person I want to get a message from...**
I get a message from Jacob.
Which of course you know I had to have a little fun with paint.
Today's message is at the bottom...seriously.

So it makes me panic a bit.
Is something better than nothing?
Is a little better than nothing at all?
And this is where I begin to slightly panic.


Especially because of things that still float in and out of my dreams...
comments like here (less than two weeks ago)***
or things like
'I never thought I would find even how smart you are to be such an attractive quality...'
I may have even heard at dinner last evening that he is 'trying not to fall for me'
Seriously are you also shaking your head.
Because I am.
I mean really WTF.


And I'm cranky and irritated.
So when I'm especially like this I head on down to the treadmill to pound out some kilometres (miles if you're American) I'm about to go do that.


I also play this little comparison game.
Where I wish I was in the next year ahead (hoping to maybe be in love and everything that comes with).
I look at a year back (where I was in Winterpeg barely noticing that it was Valentine's Day).
Looking two years back (where I was madly in love and at the time traveling in Thailand with my bestie, my brother and my fiance).
Looking three years back (where I was just freshly moved to Canada temporarily and had a fresh new romance that was kind of fun but mainly a distraction).
And then it becomes too annoying to continue to look back and I simply don't want to look back any further...


So I'm cranky.
A little bored.
And maybe just slightly contemplating sending in my application for the Bachelor Canada haha (seriously they are casting for the first season here).
Except can you imagine the scandalous US Weekly covers possible with my drama?!
So let's not even go there.
So don't mind me if I kind of want to flip off Valentine's Day just a little.

*Disclaimer- to my lovely friends who have posts/facebook pics etc.  Love ya and the fact that you have this in your lives...I'm just a little emerald-eyed at the moment!
**MrDentist
***So I'm probably totally overreacting like HUGE


Pics from here here when they aren't my own

Breathe

"Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable" (The Wizard of Oz).

I feel behind.
Like I need to somehow catch up to everything even though I did post less than a week ago.
Maybe I'm just being overdramatic (sort of my style right?!)

I want to write about (but will instead bullet point it and give myself only the option to expand if I feel like it):

• my Sunday day date with MrAccountant
• my Thursday night date with MrAccountant
• how I then left the date for another "business" evening aka club opening with bottle service with the boys at the new hottest club downtown (that I dodged advances and watched inappropriate things go down)
• how I came home to see my wedding dress hanging in my parent's office...just when I was able to forget it was hanging there
• my intent to document our family traditional Christmas to try and appreciate it more (I'll save you the guess I didn't because...)
• The Christmas Eve dinner turned into an ever escalating argument.
• The Christmas Eve tradition of opening all our presents at midnight turning into a huge family blow out where words like this were tossed out...that I can't even bring myself to write down...that I'm struggling with that ..it took the breath and words from me...that all I could do was blink and stare...that led to even my brother calling a cab and leaving...and the heartbreaking awkwardness that followed.
• The uncertainty I have felt in my heart about the future of my family that brings back a scary heavy  dull ache that I haven't felt in a year creeping back in.
• the need to write it down because it is the first sign of a crack...one that might turn into a life changing crack...the feeling of something maybe happening and having no ability to change it...it's not mine to change.
• mistakenly coming across pictures of the last weekend with Spencer...and it's not that I miss him...I don't at all...but why do I just see pure joy and happiness on my face and in my eyes that is mysteriously absent in all pictures since.
• having a discussion yesterday with my mum about Spencer...and the pure foolishness of all my decisions...and the feeling of regret and wistfully wishing I could change the past...that I could somehow unravel this mistake...
• the uncertainty about my career that just keeps popping up in my head like an unrelenting song and I quickly trying to submerse these feelings...of wanting something different of pursuing something entirely different.
• pangs of wanting love ...real love...but also the kind you see on CW drama shows..and the hope that it does exist and it is out there for me.
• I was supposed to drive back to the TDot tonight...instead I stayed at my parents place (they've left for Florida) so I can get an early start tomorrow instead of driving in the dark tonight.
• because of this the quiet stillness of a big house...a house that feels like home that may or may not be around for all that much longer...
• selfish because I still have dreams of bridal showers, and getting ready photos in THIS house and it being so not likely as in not likely to happen at all and if it does then it being so far away that it is completely laughable so why am I thinking about it???
• hate to be cliche but is this what everyone talks about when they say the holiday season is the worst for suicides???  Maybe because it is such a reflective time of the year...like how sometimes things change but stay the exact same.
• this may officially be the most random post of all time...but strangely enough I think I feel better than last year...I think...
• sometimes I have to just remind myself to breathe...

  

Date Update

Well since I didn't really have any plans tonight.
I made plans for a dinner date.
Let's call him MrAccountant.

I will give you a quick background he is another EH match.
And initially when we first started talking he sent me an email letting me know he has been married before so if this was important to me then he wanted me to know so he was respectful of my time.
I think that was pretty cool of him to say that upfront.

And honestly...it sort of makes me feel better about my awful past situation.
Someone like this is more likely to understand.
I honestly think it is a bit different here in Canada.
I don't have any divorced friends here.
All my friend (and their significant others's) parents are all married...except in one singular case.
Divorce seems somehow less tolerated here.
So this somehow makes me feel a little bit better about MrAccountant.
Is that weird?