Every song on the radio

You know when you're in that goofy phase of a crush or in the deepest depths of heartache and things sort of just speak to you???
Like every song on the radio makes you think of things...
Obviously my newest obsession TV show is Washington Heights (like I mentioned before).
And this last episode ughhhhhhhhh totally spoke to me.
I told you how the episode before two friends for years hooked up.

And the girl approached the boy about how she felt.
And it is EXACTLY how I feel about ummm a certain boy.
After crappy small talk and her trying to just spit it out she finally gets into it.

"its just like ...there's this ummm...what's the word?
for lack of  a better term... like vulnerability
and you ...not that you're not complete within yourself 
because you are and that's like what makes me want to pick your brain so much about stuff
there's like a little me shaped hole... 
somewhere in there
and I'd love to fill that space...
I feel like it would be a lot easier to do it as your friend 
but it would be a lot more fun to do it as more...
you know...you follow?"

And it just SPOKE to me.
I totally get that.
It's what I'm thinking about my classmate from New Years...
Except without actually saying or doing anything about it.
I'm cool just continuing to be his friend but it sure would be a heck of a lot more fun being more.

The couple from the show and clearly the classmate is just like him...super good looking, cool dresses well and I can't be the obvious grinning infatuated girl...sigh...pic from here

And I know what I should (and what I am) doing CLEARLY is trying to forget about the classmate.
But some things just make me think about him.
Darn it.

Forcing a shift

I'm bummed.
I haven't heard from my Miami classmate at all.
Whatever its been two days and I just need to move on.

The problem is when I like someone one I like someone like 100%...I don't know half way.
Which is an interesting lesson because with MrRealtor it wasn't there...even though I was trying.
Stuck in the is this good enough.

Being in my bummy mopey self this weekend I realize...it's not.
Cue the official get together for a breakup talk tonight...you know in person ugh! 
(I freaking hate those!!! Especially when you aren't even together!)

And while I alternate between smiling at the memories of less than a week ago.
I think I need to understand the reality of it.

For him it likely just was a usual night (he is super good looking and smart and fun and a great kisser...I cannot even begin to think of the caliber of women he dates/has been with...I mean he lives in MIAMI for gosh sakes and he lived in Sao Paulo Brazil...have you ever goggled Brazilian women...don't it almost destroyed my self esteem lol).
The only difference for him is that it was with the prettiest girl from his grad school class 
(his words not mine).
Nothing had ever transpired between him when we were in school...in fact I never hooked up fully with anyone in my class.
Probably a fun memory but not much more than that for him. 
In fact, it probably blends into quite a few memories...
Another notch in his bedpost or whatever.
Another chance to show his....umm...skills.

But for me it was bliss.
It was comfort in a familiar friendship.
That went from drunken playfulness to steamy making out...
That then went on to the morning...drinking in the sun.
The hand holding the giggling the sneaking glances with him pulling my hand to his lips.

It was how it rolled into the next day with the warm sun on my skin.
The requests for kisses.
Sitting at that bar.

Pic from here

Him telling me that I was really beautiful.
Sometimes leaning in whispering kiss me.
And I was too happy to oblige.
The little things that pop into my head like him returning from the rest room and crossing behind me kissing me on the top of my head...this totally made me melt...such a sweet pleasant surprise.

The beach walking hand in hand.
The suggestion to go swimming with a wink and a nudge.
I usually hate the ocean but with him I just went in giggling without a second thought.
Clinging to him as the waves crashed against us.
Kissing and giggling until we both were shivering.

Then warming up on the blanket...falling asleep in between kisses.
That is the issue really.  
That was pretty much my DREAM perfect 24 hours.

BUT I need to realize that was not his experience.
But it needs to be okay because I was reminded of that feeling.
The feeling I can't wait to have.
With whoever I'm meant to be with.
And I hold out hope that there is someone out there like that for me.
And quickly try to move on because in all reality it isn't with the person I JUST experienced that with (unfortunately).
So I just need to pull myself up by my boot straps and remind myself that.
And force myself to move on.

Wonderstuck

Pic from here

Y'all I think sometimes when something clicks for me it just clicks for me.
It never fully clicked for me with MrRealtor he kind of grew on me and he just got more and more annoying.
I sent Taylor an email that went back and forth with him and even she was like...oh my goodness he is EXHAUSTING!
And here's how I know he isn't for me...

I have a full blown crush.
Here's how I know...well beside the amazingness that was New Year's Eve
After thinking about it and speaking to a friend or too...they were like you should pursue him.
You have nothing left to lose...at least be open to the idea and let him know you're open to the idea.

So with that I left a little text last night along the lines of "missing the Miami heat..."
(And I definitely wasn't referring to the weather lol)
And nothing.
And I was disappointed but figured what the heck.

Today I was rushing about work when...
A facebook message from him and with a slightly shaky hand I clicked on it.
A cute email about how it was great seeing me and hoping I was staying warm in Canada and catching up on rest...he ended it with Big Hug and "PS KEEP IN TOUCH!!!"

That's a good sign right?
Ack I'm useless when I have a big crush.
So of course I reply almost immediately back (I know I know you're supposed to wait but I couldn't).
So I replied much the same hoping he wasn't so tired and his day was going well only I signed off with an "xo Teagan and PS Keep in touch ...I had a really great time".

So I guess we'll see where it goes.
I was already daydreaming of making out in the ocean and the feel of his hand on my skin.
Lordy I guess when it clicks for me it just clicks.
Fingers crossed maybe this may be a little more than just a long distance crush.
Guess we'll see.

It wouldn't work out and I think I just need to be realistic about the situation.
Except I'm horrible at being realistic about the situation.
I will probably just continue to daydream of the amazing 24 hours we had.



Of course I'm listening to girly music while posting this...and this song seems rather appropriate right about now...

A fantastic New Year's Eve

This New Year's Eve was epic y'all.
Oh my goodness when I think about it I turn into a puddle of giddiness.
Seriously amazing!
I'm getting way ahead of myself.

For starters it almost didn't happen.
The car rental I had set up through carrentals.com when I arrived to pick up my car at 3pm I pulled up to an closed rental agency...they closed at 1pm.
I almost began hyperventilating at the perspective of not getting to go.
I needed the escape.

Luckily there was a Hertz a few doors down that had an available option.
So before I knew I was cruising on down I-95 to Miami.
With the sound out and the music playing I already felt a ton better.

So it was great because I got to go see one of my classmates from graduate school.
I hadn't seen him since we graduated five years ago.
And it was just like old times.
We had always got along great at school often studying and hanging out together.

I arrived at his brother's place and got to meet his brother's lovely wife and their adorable little girl.
We were hanging out and chatting because he had just hopped in the shower.
When he came out he was so sweet he was like you look JUST like you did in school...these years have been great to you.
And they had certainly been great to him...he was tanned and toned and making me crack up as usual.

We first headed out to grab a quick sub and catch up on each other's lives.
Then we headed over to one of his good friends homes.
It was a beautiful backyard party.
With a fire pit, blankets and pillows, and 6 large wrought iron candelabras on which they placed candles in mason jars.
It was beautiful and perfect.

So we settled into a night of a great time.
Drinking, eating and doing crazy things like walking around the block with suitcases as this is supposed to bring travels in the new year.

Staying up all night until it was time to head back to his brother's place to crash.
I'm not even sure how it happened.
Maybe it was my sexy pajamas of yoga pants and a t-shirt (obviously I'm being sarcastic).
But the next thing I knew we were kissing.
Kissing a lot.
Kissing until 9:30am.

Then we headed out to the porch to hang out and chat and not wake up anyone.
And the hangover started creeping in.
And I started getting nervous.
Not only was my hair was a mess and my makeup no longer existent...but would this be weird?
We never had been in this position before...nothing like this had ever happened in graduate school.
Was I destined to have the same let's not make this awkward conversation with him like Will?!

We decided to change into some beach ware and head to the beach.
And I tried not to look like such an awful mess.
And as he drove he reached across and grabbed my hand.
And my stomach did butterflies.

And the little things...giggling as he brought my hand up to kiss it.
We pulled up to the beach and decided it would be a good thing to grab more drinks.
And joined people at the bar that clearly never left the bar.

Girls in shiny mini dresses or belly baring crop tops and long flowey skirts.
And we ordered drinks and chatted about things.
He told me no one paid any attention to him in graduate school whereas I was the prettiest girl in the class...and my face flushed.
I told him he was always this good looking and girls would have gone after him more but he seemed to be not serious and just enjoying his single self at the time.

And he would do things like lean over and tell me to kiss him.
And I was only too happy to oblige.
Leaning back into the sun thinking...oh my goodness this is my life.
I swear I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.
Especially when he would lean over and say things like, "you're really beautiful Teagan".

After a few cocktails we headed to the beach hand in hand.
He spread out a beach blanket and we hung out for a bit.
He convinced me to take a dip in the ocean.
Winking at me as he said, you'll have to take that green dress off though.
And I cringed a little as I did and hoped he didn't notice my cellulite.
As he took off his shirt and I stared...damn he's handsome.

We ran into the water giggling like teenagers.
Jumping in the waves before he pulled me against him.
Making out as the waves hit us and just laughing.
Headed out to dry in the sun and making out on the beach blanket like a couple of 16 year olds.
Him telling me he'd like to do a whole lot more of what we did a few hours before.
And the rest of the afternoon flew by.

Pic from here

I was disappointed when the day flew by and all of a sudden it came to the end.
As we headed to his brother's house.
We hung out on the porch a little...kissed a little more.
And as he walked me to my car he pulled me in for just one more.

I drove back to my parent's place just over the moon happy.
Best new year's eve in a very long time.
Could he turn into a MrGradschool?
I try not to let myself hope too much...because it's impossible really.

He did text me last night with a "hey Teagan-have a safe trip back to Canada.  Let's keep in touch!  It was great to see you! :)"
I replied as casually as I could with a "Sounds great.  I had a great time :)"
Nothing will probably happen...but is it bad that the littlest part of me is hoping it does?

Safe Haven

My escape here in Florida has been two fold...
One of these has been heading to the gym.
The walk there to just simmer down.

The actual gym which more often than not is empty.

My other safe haven is my room.
Which I made bright and sunny for Florida.
I wanted my room to feel like a happy vacation spot.
What's more happy than pink and green?

I picked the smaller between the two bedrooms (not including the master of course).  
I like how it makes it cozy :)

 I love the thick crown molding!

I love my clear lamp...and the random shiny pink parrot that I found.
I need to fill that green vase with some white hydrangeas I think!

I enjoy small details like how I can find a curtain rod that echos the lamp without it being from the same store.

It's definitely my escape.
Maybe I'll do a whole house tour for y'all.
It's just a small vacation home but I really like it.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Pic from here

It's not okay

I arrived in Florida on Saturday.
The flight was AWFUL because I had a bad sinus infection.
The pain was miserable for the entire 2 hours and 47 minutes.

A quick drive to our Florida house.
And a yummy barbeque lunch of burgers stuffed with cheese, bacon and jalapenos.
Before I passed out in a sinus cold and flu medication haze.

My family dined on lobster and steak while I had soup for dinner.
I basically didn't move the rest of the day and night finally heading to bed at 9.
My vacation was off to a pretty crappy start.

Sunday was much the same.
Lots of soup.
Lots of congestion.
Lots of quiet observation how some things stay the exact same.

Before I knew it it was today...Christmas Eve.
And I could feel the disappointment bubble up.
Because of how everyone is with the fam.
And as the days of constant contact turned into everyone getting a little snippier with each other.

There were conversations among my brother and parents about how "stupid" I was doing what I do (as a profession) and making so little money...because they all make double or more of what I do...I was like okay guys I'm right here!
I live paycheck to paycheck and they all laughed at me for it.
And just the MEANness of it all was heart breaking.

And I was bothered.
Bothered because everyone laughs because my brother is lazy and irresponsible and drinks all day.
And its okay because its just him being him.

Bothered because my mother's response to everything comes back as in yells and screams.
It's her way or the highway and we are "stupid" or "retarded" if we don't immediately respond.
Bothered that she yells at us for everything.
And its okay because its just her being her.
She bullies everyone.

When I asked if it would make sense to buy a hamper at Target so that I had a place for my dirty clothes in my room.
It was met with "you so bloody retarded.  NO!  There is a fucking hamper in the laundry room".
I had it.
I could not longer take it.
So I screamed back at the top of my lungs, "STOP IT.  NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE SCREAMED BACK AT.  IT WAS A QUESTION!  YOU ARE A PSYCHOPATH!  STOP YELLING AT EVERYONE!  IT'S NOT NORMAL"

Of course she screamed back at me that it was her normal voice.
But she was pissed!
And every since yesterday she has been quiet and not really responsive.
And she cancelled us going to Disney ...again.
As punishment.

But I'm tired of the behaviour.
The behaviour that I'm NOT okay with.
It's like it is okay to be a jerk and rude because that is someone's personality.
I'm sorry I don't think it is.
It simply is rude and jerky.
And I am not okay with that.

I get it that I don't fit with my family.
I'm just exhausted with the rude behaviour.
In all reality it is just something I can only tolerate in small small doses.
Please remind me the next time I think of doing something like this that the max time with the fam is 4 days tops.
It's going to be a long 9 more days.

On a jet plane...

If you're reading this then I'm on a plane headed from the TDot to Florida.

Pic from here

Which is exciting but yet I find myself wondering...will I survive the 10 days?
Guess we'll see!