Good for Me

Pic from here

On Thursday I had a first date with another guy.
A Lawyer that runs marathons.
At first I was a little perplexed.
Maybe he was nervous...I definitely couldn't quite gauge how I felt.

We had dinner at this really cute French restaurant.
Only a few minor pauses in conversation.
And he seems actually quite nice.

Here's the thing.
There wasn't that zing of chemistry.
Or that instant "click".
But I'm wondering if perhaps all that "click" and "chemistry" I have with certain people doesn't really matter in the end.

Maybe I just need nice and kind.
Maybe I should just be paying better attention to only how someone treats me.
Attraction can grow right?
Is there really someone that has it "all"...will there ever really be that relationship where there is click and chemistry and laughter and kindness and someone that would like to be with me as much as I would like to be with them?
I pretty much thought (a few times during the date) that it probably wasn't "there".
But maybe I should give it a chance.
He just might be good for me.

getting back out there

Pic from here

So last night I had a first date.
And boy was I nervous.
I went shopping with K before hand.
I had to pick up some goodies for my little nugget I'm visiting in Dallas in just over two weeks!

I started getting really really quite.
K could sense my nervousness and totally tried to pump me up.
I headed over to Joey's to meet him for a drink.

He was 20 minutes late!  
I almost went into panic mode like oh my goodness I'm about to be stood up!
But he arrived.
Tall, dark and handsome.

I was just a nervous chatterbug.
The wine was good and before I knew it two hours flew by.
It was good.
And most importantly it made me feel better.
Especially since he made mention that he was surprised I was on a dating website because "you don't seem shy and I'm sure you get set up frequently".
I just giggled.

At the end we walked out together.
Myself to the subway stop (I've started taking TTC (Toronto's public transit) downtown when I work downtown).
He mentioned for the second time that he had fun and we should do it again soon.
I agreed but we didn't make actual plans.
He hugged me and I kissed him on the cheek but was so nervous I'm not sure if I turned away from him kissing me.
Ack!

But all in all last night was just what I needed.
Starting to get my groove back just a little I think!

may as well

Pic from here

Some stellar advice on the last post.
I can't believe how much better I feel when I read y'all great supportive advice.
So what have I decided to do.
Make it two first dates this week.
One on Tuesday AND the one on Thursday.
May as well right?!
Here's to moving on full force.

sucker

Pic from here

So I'm just getting ready to go out tonight for Laurel's birthday.
Unfortunately the food truck festival we were going to is rained out!
So we have a back plan (that may be MrAttorneys latest recommendation to me...well latest as before we stopped hanging out)...fingers crossed that I don't see him.

Especially since he texted me this afternoon.
To say "found these".
And by these he meant a bottle of Vitamin C and Zinc I had brought him 3 months ago when he was sick.
Then when I got sick a month later he couldn't find them among his packed boxes from moving.
I teased him that he always lost things.
Well I guess he eventually found them.
And texted me a pic.
Seriously what the heck am I supposed to do with that?
(I didn't respond in case you're wondering).

And in other whattheheck news today.
Remember MrDentalSurgeon from last year.
It totally fizzled out at the end of last summer.
He texted me today, "Que pasa Miss Teagan.  How have you been ? :)"
What the heck is going on with my life?

Oh and I have a date Thursday.
My life is total chaos!

the messages

Pic from here

So yesterday I was minding my own business.
Got a chance to catch up with Taylor and her beautiful daughter on FaceTime.
Then schlepped through some dating website communication.

And at 11:49 PING.
Oh I think to myself ...it must K or Will or Taylor.
And when I glanced down.
It was MrAttorney.

He wrote...
"hey sorry I know I'm not supposed to be messaging you but I still have your pillow cases.  Do you want them?"

First, the explanation of him apologizing about not supposed to be messaging me.
I made that rule after last Sunday's conversation (read here if you missed it) because I get sucked back in.  So it's better that we simply do not talk.
As far as I'm concerned he has essentially told me he isn't interested in a relationship so I'm trying my best to move on and things like this do NOT help.

Second, he actually has a full sheet set of mine (not just pillowcases) because when his brother came to visit a few weeks back I lent him my air mattress and a sheet set because I knew he wouldn't be that organized.
So no, I don't want it back because I cannot seem him.  I know I will get butterflies and want to spend time with him and one thing will lead to another and before you know it will turn into a sleepover like a few Sundays ago.

Then he has to go and follow it up a few minutes later PING!
With a "I hope you had fun at the Michigan game and I hope you are doing well".
Seriously?!?!??!
These messages are killing me.

Now to make matters even more confusing I keep getting different pieces of advice.
Will says, simply don't respond because he is not ready (to change/be in a relationship) based on those texts.
My guy friend from high school says I should respond with "I did.  Keep the pillow cases".
Then a work colleague says maybe he is trying to keep the window of communication open because he is actually interested in me and I shouldn't close down that opportunity if I care about him (which I do).

So could someone please tell me which the bloody hell is it?

Climbing

Just to keep this updated...
I feel like I"m in a slump.
Well I suppose that is what a break up feels like.

So I try and busy myself.
My condo has never been so clean.
And I just resigned up on that dating website.
And so it begins again...
At least maybe I will come out of it with some interesting stories for y'all...

Hail

Pic from here

I've been so busy moping around that I've almost forgot about this upcoming weekend.
Which is my annual trip to Ann Arbor to watch my (adopted) alma mater!
Do any of you remember last years fiasco of a time?!
Well if you don't you can read here for the refresher.

Haven't seen Will since that weekend a year ago.
I talked to him last week as we usually do.
He was about to go on date five with a girl he really liked and would probably make things officially.
(Seriously 5 dates...5 months and MrAttorney doesn't know what he wants...F...by the way haven't talked to him since this past Sunday's conversation).

So what I'm saying is that things are back to normal with Will.
We are friends and I'm totally good with that.
I'm just going to sit back and enjoy the game Saturday :)

first and last

I wish time would go by...
so that MrAttorney wasn't the first thing on my mind when I wake up.
I would much prefer to wake up and wonder what I should have for breakfast...

I wish he was not the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep.
From now on I'm going to try and think of something better like Ryan Gosling.
Whom I probably have as much of a chance of having a serious relationship with lol.

Pic from here

the call

Pic from here

So MrAttorney called back last night.
Because he missed the sound of my voice.
And he missed me.

First he filled the conversation about something that was bothering him about his life.
Then the focus returned to what was at hand.
The giant pink elephant in the room.

I told him I couldn't do this.
Simply put...I like him and I want to be in a relationship.
Only I cannot make that decision for him.
And he still doesn't know.

I told him I missed him a ton.
This past week was quite difficult.
He said he felt the same.
I said maybe that means something.

So after talking for about an hour or so.
I told him he needs to make up his mind.
And at the end of the conversation I said, "Goodbye MrAttorney." 
And he goes, "I'll talk to you soon".
I said "Bye" and hung up the phone...

waiting.

So this morning the first random thing was this auto generated email about an e-money transfer that was from a few weeks back from MrAttorney.
Long story short I don't pay the extra bank fees to be able to accept email money transfers.
So he had sent me one and then ended up giving me a cheque instead.

Of course this morning when I woke up I saw an email in my inbox from MrAttorney and my heart started beating faster...only it was the auto generated e-transfer announcement thing.
Last night I went over to Kai's house (one of my girl friends who was also a bridesmaid in Laurel's wedding) and we went out but both of us weren't feeling it.

She had her heart broken weeks before I did.
So she sympathized with the email this morning.
Then we headed out to brunch and at 10:34am my phone rang.
Only I missed the call.
Then MrAttorney texted, "can you please gimme a shout when you can".

Easy Restaurant...for an easy brunch :)

After consulting with Kai I went with a "just out for brunch...what's up?
And nothing.
So a few hours later I called him....he answered and let me know he was out to brunch with his family.

So now I'm just waiting for him to call back.
Only he is randomly texting me about this brunch place.
And I'm just sitting here waiting...

Control+Z

Pic from here

I hate those moments of gut checking panic.
The one where if my life was a word document I would frantically hit control+Z.
I hate that feeling.
That I made a huge mistake and maybe should go back to what was.
Only because right about now I feel so awful!

One and a half

Pic from here

When you do the things you do not want to do.
For the long term benefit...
Boy oh boy does the short term suck.

Monday night I was just so wiped I went to bed at 9:30 only to awaken at 2am in a cold sweat.
Nothing that 2 chapters in my current book wouldn't fix.
Though I woke up tired I still slept.

Last night I went to bed well intentioned and at a more reasonable time of 11pm.
Only I woke up at 3:30 and at 4:54 (now) I realize it is futile and may as well drag myself out of bed.
I had the STRANGEST dream about tiger sharks.
I was explaining to a stranger (who happened to look exactly like one of my great friends from Austin) that I was afraid of tiger sharks.
Only we were in Thailand and then taking helicopters overs the ocean to see/prove that there were hundreds of tiger sharks swimming there.

Pic from here

If any one is a dream decoder please let me know what the heck that means because that is seriously so random.
The worst part is the first thing that I think when I wake up is to tell MrAttorney about this ridiculous dream...mainly because it would make him laugh.

I'm exhausted.
And sad.
And drained.
One and a half nights down...how many more to go until it just doesn't hurt as much?
F*cking Tiger Sharks!

Pic from here

Maybe I'm a Masochist

So y'all despite all your reservations...
I went to the CNE with MrAttorney.
(Recall this is like the Texas State Fair only in Toronto).
We both had never been.

Pic from here 

It had been a week since I'd seen him.
Where dinner turned into a sleepover which turned into me cracking a joke about how it was the longest most drawn out breakup in history.
Only we immediately fell back into the pattern of 20-30 emails/text/etc.

So we head to the CNE.
Where there are such great things as fried butter (I believe the Texas State Fair originated this).

Pic from here

To the Epic Burger stand that got shut down due a whole lot of food poisoning from the Canadian rip off of  the Cronut Burger.

Pic from here

I wore a white dress.
Heck it was Labour Day!
Last chance to sport white.
He commented that I was the classiest looking woman at the CNE.

Pic from here

We wandered around first sampling such things as Korean Tacos, Curly Fries, Fresh Squeezed Lemonade and Funnel Cakes (I know not very adventurous but all the deep fried weird stuff didn't sound that appealing.
We headed to watch my favourite part Superdogs (basically a dog show with racing, Frisbee catching)...the type of things that draws the families.

Pic from here

My favourite part was the wine pavillion that had a three piece string band...triplet??? Is there a name for that?
And we sat there and legit made a PRO CON list.
I'll spare you the details but PRO list was 12 items long.
The CON list was one item "the fact that he was unsure/not ready".

And we walked around and as our conversation went round and round as it usually does.
And finally I said, "I can't anymore MrAttorney.  It's been five months and in my experience I don't know usually means no".
His response was "you've never "not known" ever before?"
And I replied, "yup but when I didn't know it was because I didn't really like the person for whatever reason."

And as we walked out of the CNE earlier than expected...no fireworks for this girl...in many aspects.
He kept trying to put his arm around me and pull me into him and grab my hand.
And each time I would pull away and say "you're making this really difficult".

We finally arrived at my car (I parked at his condo which is only a short walk from the CNE).
And he kept saying "I want you to know how much I like you and how much I care about you.
My reply, "MrAttorney it does not matter."
I started to cry (and pulled my sunglasses on to make it not so obvious).
He tried to hug and kiss me on the check and I said "no you do not get to make me cry and then try to comfort me".

He asked me to text him when I got home.
I said "no...this is it...no calls/no texts/ no emails...it's too hard for me".
And with that I hopped into my car and drove off with a sad little wave in response to his wave goodbye.
And promptly sobbed the entire drive home.
And that is how MrAttorney and I broke up.

And then he sent me 10 text message pictures of our afternoon at the state fair.

it's been a long weekend

So I've been trying to keep myself distracted.
Friday night I headed out to see B's new place with the rest of the Canada Crew.
We headed over to a pub for some drinks and food.
I'm going to pretend I wasn't totally distracted and thinking about MrAttorney especially when he texted and called.
I may have texted him back that night.

Then Saturday I woke up early to help my friend Kay move downtown.
What a bitter pill jealousy is to swallow.
I wish I was moving downtown.
And again the volley of texts back and forth between MrAttorney and myself is almost comical.

Moving is never this fun!

It is the second time I helped someone move in the last two months.
The first time was MrAttorney.
It always blows my mind because the last 15% of stuff out of a place is the WORST to move.
And both MrAttorney and Kay kind of aren't the most organized people.

Anywho I ended up calling B in for re-enforcement due to Kay's miscalculation of only 3 boxes and a rack of clothes became my SUV filled to the max.
After we moved her in she took us for DimSum.

One of my fav places in the city for dim sum...totally ornate and so fun!  Also going to ignore that I found out about this place from going with MrAttorney.  But it literally is across the street from Kay's new apartment.

And then made to order cookies...at The Red Bench.
Kind of like the Marble Slab Ice cream place where you pick the base and then the mix ins.
Only they make hot yummy mini cookies!!!
My new fav place for dessert.



And I'm trying to be upbeat and my usual self but I know I'm just kind of sad.
And my friends see it.
Kay told me "you need to go no contact on his ass!" 
I know this is the right thing to do but boy am I struggling.

Here I go to trying to make the second half of this long weekend a bit better than the first half.
Or at least try to distract myself...