Epiphany

It's funny how you can find inspiration in such interesting ways.
By simple luck or chance I found myself being able to finally meet one of Taylor's good friends from Dallas.
And holy moly inspiration.

Smart, successful, beautiful and inspirational.
We have a few things in common.
And then something of an epiphany came over me.

She chose and barreled down a path of picking what she loves to do and doing it.
She is attaining her dreams and goals.
And just...wow.

And then it hit me.
Today.
Right now.
At 11:12pm on a Friday sitting here.
The disappointment in myself.

My choices.
I've accepted what I think I deserve.
I've accepted settling.
I've picked this life and accepted it like a punishment I think I deserve.
Now I realize that I'm complaining about a life that many may envy.
But I think I need to re-evaluate.
I need to take a look at my bucket list and start moving in steps to fulfill it.
I think I need to do that right now.


PS If you want to check out my newest amazing travel friend's blog it's here and is amazing!

Blur

I'm sinking into a happy blur as days whip by.
I need to write about all the fun things I've been doing.

Like lunch and pedis with the girls.

A concert with the Canada Crew to see the British Indie Band The Foals.

Medieval Times with the CanadaCrew which was so fun.

Heading down to Maple Leaf Square with 15 000 others to watch the Leafs bite it in game seven

A weekend in Kingston to visit Jane, Quinn, Val, Eva and their families.

Watching Les Mis with the girls.

Heading to Taste of the Food Terminal with the Canada Crew.

And falling pretty hard for MrAttorney.
I cannot get enough of spending time with this man.
He makes me laugh and he's smart and sexy and just amazing.
I'm in big time trouble!

Kitchen Nightmares

It's a week in Canada where we recognize Nurses and all the hard work that they do.
So I decided to do something I always swear I won't...bake.
I'm no Taylor or SoMidwestern
They are basically Martha Stewart but cooler, younger and prettier.

Every time I bake I usually always wonder why.
It always costs a ton by the time I pick up ingredients.
It always takes a ton of time where I'm generally frustrated or burn myself etc.
It always makes a huge mess.

Seriously look at this ridiculousness of a mess (also this is basically my entire counter space...because my condo is teeny!)

One of my nurses loves Nutella and I had come across this recipe here.
This is what I was trying to make.

Pic from here

4.5 hours later.
And I had exactly 5 out of 48 cookies that weren't completely atrocious.
Seriously all that work to make 5 cookies.

So annoyed.
I followed the recipe to the letter.
I even browned butter for the first time in my life!
And I didn't even get a chance to eat one.

Next time I'm buying a dessert from Nadege.
Like I did for January bookclub.

Nadege's Salted Caramel Tart...aka AMAZINGNESS

Sigh

PS the post was basically a forced distraction ...I haven't heard from MrAttorney since Monday and I can't help but think of the movie He's Just Not That Into You

the seventh

Pic from here

So after a super long week I kind of bailed on my Friday night plans with MrAttorney
Well we didn't actually have plans...
But when he found out I didn't he invited me to join him and his friends downtown
Only I wasn't feeling it

On Saturday I had to meet my parents in Waterloo to pick up my ($200 repair) on my car
We couldn't really come up with plans.
Which sort of made me cranky.

The though spot where you don't want to be high maintenance but when things don't really seem to be working out.
He headed up to my area of town and we tried to go eat at one place but they gave us only 15 minutes until the kitchen closing.
So we ended up heading to the Shops at Don Mills to go to the Bier Market.

Where we proceeded to have a great time.
I felt bad for sort of being difficult with finding a place to go eat.
Which is annoying because I have so much fun with him.

He is very kind to me even if he does like to tease me a little.
He often does sweet things.
Like the next morning when I was feeling a little hung over he went to go pick me up some Gatorade while I continued to sleep.

I took him to my favourite breakfast place in the city Hammersmiths.
Before we headed back to my place for a short nap while we watched episodes of Breaking Bad.
I had Cinco de Mayo plans with the CanadaCrew so MrAttorney suggested I plan on staying at his place so I could partake in margaritas with my lunch.

He even dropped me off the Drake where I was meeting up with everyone.
After I had a great afternoon eating tacos and drinking one too many margaritas on a patio he even came to pick me up.
We ordered take out from Pizzeria Libretto and just had a relaxing early night to sleep.

This morning it was only a little awkward when we ran into one of his neighbours at 7am in the hallway.
Him CLEARLY carrying my sorority print overnight bag and me carrying cowboy boots in one hand.
I'm starting to like him too much for my own good.

Oh yeah and just to up his amazing-ness factor.
He speaks French fluently.
I mean... seriously!

the sixth

Tuesday night after a stressful day at work 
I had to pick up a package at our Brampton office location
Which is a HUGE pain in the butt seeing as I was in the downtown location.

This meant fighting horrific traffic during peak times
And as I texted over lunch this to MrAttorney 
He actually offered to keep me company

So instead of battling it on my own cursing the overcrowed Toronto roads.
We had some laughs
And got to chat

After we headed back to his place (downtown where all the cool people ie. my friends also live).
Decided to head to Gusto101 for dinner.
One of my favs since they also on Trattoria Nervosa (which you may remember as the last food stop from when Taylor last visited Toronto).

Pic from here

And we had wine and shared food and just laughed.
From there we headed to SpiritHouse Toronto.
Which I've always wanted to go to but haven't had a chance.

Pic from here

A very cool vibe.
Actually the more I think about it the more I liked it.
For a drink 
(me a Kir Royale (my fav) and a Bramble for him (he teased me that I ordered him a girly drink but had no problem with how good it tasted)

Pic from here

We were having so much fun that we walked to BarChef to share a molecular cocktail.

Pic from here

I always like going to barchef because it is dark and romantic.
And let's be real the molecular cocktails blow my mind!

Pic from here

Just one of those nights where time flies by much too quickly.
I'm just waiting for him to get sick of me lol

the fifth

so MrAttorney was between firms for about a week 
so he spent it in Miami where his younger brother lives.
Now we just started hanging out so I didn't expect to hear from him much

To my surprise he did message me on a few occasions and even took up my suggestion to go see the parking garage at 1111 Lincoln Road which I'm currently obsessed with
Parking garage by day...

Pic from here

Cool venue space by night...

Pic from here

I must see this the next time I'm in Miami!
So after my sorority meeting downtown this past Monday night he asked for me to stop by
because he had a gift for me 

He brought me back macarons from Miami.
Which I thought was so sweet and kind.
After all anyone who knows me at all know my obsession with these perfect little desserts

Pic from here

I was impressed that he would cart these delicate little desserts back just for me.
I'll keep you posted on how things go
I have to admit I don't want to jinx it
because we all know it only takes 17 dates before things tend to crumble apart
guess I'll just have to enjoy the next possible 12

last email...I hope

Pic from here

So on Tuesday night I got this follow up email...
Oh and I'll include my thoughts/responses as I read this...

MrRealtor

	Apr 30 (1 day ago)
to Teagan

Teagan,

Don’t worry, this is the last you will hear from me, but before I say goodbye I have some final words for you.

(Gosh I kind of hope so because this is becoming simply ridiculous).

In receiving my package back the other day, I am left feeling disappointed, hurt, and confused.  I delivered that package over a month and a half ago and received it back from you a few days ago. Why after 4 months of saying nothing did you decide to mail back my letter and gift without any words from you? If you’ve chosen to be silent for so long, why even bother sending the package back?

(Ummm well to be honest it sat in my front hall closet...and by the time I got around the post office it had sat there for about 2.5 weeks...because really who goes to a post office AND because I couldn't just mark RETURN TO SENDER because you had delivered it to my condo you PSYCHO!)  We haven't spoken since January! (here)  So why 2.5 months later would you MAIL me a package (here) after sending me flowers (here)

In my several attempts to communicate with you over the past few months, I have finally come to realize my efforts are futile.  It saddens me that you can be so ruthless and not even give me the courtesy of an explanation as to why you wanted to end things between us.  Ummm not sure how I"m ruthless (then I goggled ruthless just to check and according to Merriam-Webster  ": having no pity : merciless, cruel <a ruthless tyrant>"  And ummm hello we met up TWICE in person to discuss why it wasn't working and ONCE after that we had a phone discussion where I explained why it wasn't working but apparently this was not giving him the courtesy of an explanation...

I feel foolish for opening up and sharing my thoughts and feelings with you this whole time, all the while being ignored like I never meant anything to you. I feel foolish for even sending this email, but realize that this is who I am and what I need to do, and that is to let you know how I feel. That is and was the difference between you and I all along. I opened up, you never did.  It’s funny how in the end the one who opens up gets the short end of the stick, looks the fool, and gets hurt.

You are not the person I believed you to be. You have no compassion for other’s feelings. This line really irks me because I don't believe that I'm not compassionate. I have been nothing but a good, decent man who respected you and cared deeply for you.  Ummm I beg to differ ie. leaving me stranded at an airport at 1:30am when you said you were to pick me up....thats not really respectful nor caring. I never deserved the way you cut me off like that. But, maybe I should have expected it as you made me aware of your past relationships and how they too were cut off abruptly.  He didn't really know a lot about my past...he is reaching here.  It’s obvious you have issues with trust and opening up, and in the end this is your demise. Wow that a jerky comment... really my demise?!  WTF.  I just never thought you would have done the same thing to me. Yet another foolish thought of mine.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness in life. I hope you find what you’re looking for.  But just know that you have thrown away something very special. I am not perfect and never claimed to be when we dated. I made mistakes and bad judgement calls and admitted to them. However, despite my faults, I know I am a man with a big heart and a lot of love to give, none of which you deserve after the way you cut me off.  I'm kind of glad you think I don't "deserve you".

Regards,

MrRealtor

And that my friends is a nutso email.

when you return a package...

Pic from here

This is totally ironic.
Especially given my post yesterday about being lonely.
So I finally got my butt to the post office and returned that package that I told you about here.
And on Monday the following email popped into my inbox.

MrRealtor

	Apr 29 (2 days ago)
to Teagan

Hi,

I received my returned package from you with mixed emotions the other day.

I would have hoped to get some sort of a response but alas just my gift and letter returned with no explanation from you. Doesn’t even look like you opened it.

I just want to know why Teagan…why the cut off with no explanation...please if anything just give me that closure.

Missing you,

MrRealtor

So of course I didn't respond...because I mean ...really?!

And this wasn't the final email...I got another one last night...and it's a doozy (I will share in my next post of course).

Can I also mention that for work I'm at the largest tradeshow of Toronto area Realtors?!  I didn't see him today but I'm totally panicked that I'm going to see him tomorrow....I'll keep you posted.

Lonely

Pic from here

Things are coming along.
I'm finding my groove here because well it's the only option.
But there are times when I feel inexplicably lonely.

Like when I come home from a trip.
Or on a random Wednesday night.
And it made me remember this quote I love...

“When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone." Tennessee Williams, Camino Real

And that is my one hope in life ...to at some point not feel lonely...