Super sucky blogger here...
And yup still alive.
Wish my absense was to regale y'all with stories of an all consuming love.
Yea it's not.
Simply put treading water.
Big time.
Putting through the motions.
Negotiating dating with ...
MrRealtor...knowing I should just break it off but finding a comfort in the just spending enough time with someone comfort kind of way
B...though its one of those weird I'm not quite sure I'm the girl for you but will invite you to a family wedding in two Saturdays from now but only as a friend and really as family buffer which will only end up being super awkward.
Maybe talked to Jacob...a little because that's what I do when I'm just lost.
Oh yea and all of the above are kind of pissed at me for being indecisive and stalling.
But not pissed off enough to stop hanging out/messaging.
So weird.
And I'm contemplating the usual.
Moving
Career change
Dumping aforementioned lineup and starting over...again.
AKA I'm back...I think
Totally feel like I'm on autopilot.
As per usual a feeling of unrest.
Ever feel a half beat behind?
It reminds me of being able to spot cheerleaders (my sport of choice) if they were "cheating" and following teammates choreography...super easy to pick up on because they were always about half a beat behind.
Only it sort of feels like that is happening to me in real life.
As I'm slugging through this job.
Dating/not dating/sort of dating.
Seeing old friendships melt away/new ones develop/finding my groove but not finding my groove...
Watching everyone else's lives HAPPEN.
The countless foray of birthdays/baby showers/engagements/weddings/etc.
(I'm pretty sure I'm using foray incorrectly but it sounds right at this moment).
The things that seem to be happening for everyone else (but me).
Doesn't help this morning that one of my old flatmates from Singapore facebooked me to invite me to his wedding...in 19 days.
With the lovely reminder "you promised you would come to my wedding".
I also figured I would have more than 19 days notice to get to the other side of the world!
Nevermind the last minute flight cost is hovering around the $3000 mark and would involve me flying out 8amish on a Thursday arrive at 6:20pm on a Friday...wedding Saturday and having to leave Sunday at 11:30pm and arrive back Monday at 12:10pm...I would officially spend more time in the air then on the ground!
I honestly wouldn't think twice if I had the money but between my Kate Spade splurge's in Dallas and being a little social butterfly...I'm stretched super thin financially...them's the breaks when you are flying solo.
But the guilt I feel...sucks.
Along with the slight emerald eyed twinge of when the F*CK will it ever be my turn.
I'm in a totally pissy mood.
Which is NOT very becoming.
Something's got to change...
