Kitchen Nightmares

It's a week in Canada where we recognize Nurses and all the hard work that they do.
So I decided to do something I always swear I won't...bake.
I'm no Taylor or SoMidwestern
They are basically Martha Stewart but cooler, younger and prettier.

Every time I bake I usually always wonder why.
It always costs a ton by the time I pick up ingredients.
It always takes a ton of time where I'm generally frustrated or burn myself etc.
It always makes a huge mess.

Seriously look at this ridiculousness of a mess (also this is basically my entire counter space...because my condo is teeny!)

One of my nurses loves Nutella and I had come across this recipe here.
This is what I was trying to make.

Pic from here

4.5 hours later.
And I had exactly 5 out of 48 cookies that weren't completely atrocious.
Seriously all that work to make 5 cookies.

So annoyed.
I followed the recipe to the letter.
I even browned butter for the first time in my life!
And I didn't even get a chance to eat one.

Next time I'm buying a dessert from Nadege.
Like I did for January bookclub.

Nadege's Salted Caramel Tart...aka AMAZINGNESS

Sigh

PS the post was basically a forced distraction ...I haven't heard from MrAttorney since Monday and I can't help but think of the movie He's Just Not That Into You

Hail to the Victors!

I've had this gift from Will since he came to visit for St. Patrick's Day weekend.
Read here if you missed it!
And thought the perfect place for it would be one of my offices.

Isn't it awesome?
It's a banner that was made to commemorate the 500th football game at The Big House.
One I happened to be at with Will.


It was such an exciting game.
I loved every minute of it!
I cannot wait to go back for the first time in years this fall for another football weekend.


Go Blue!

my crazy last 48 hours

So Sunday I headed over to our sorority house for our annual general meeting AGM.
Was sworn into my new position (yay!)
Had a tour of the house.


I noticed one of the young sorority girl's hand/wrist/fingers was extremely swollen.
So I took her to the hospital at 5pm.
Which landed us there until 2am before she was finally admitted to a bed...
(the glorious Canadian "free" health care system at it's finest...actually there are a lot of things I could vent about it but I'm going to hold my tongue).
She's still there but making improvements.
It was nice to chat away and find out all the things we had in common (she also loves OTH (and has a tattoo that has to do with it!)/KimK/our sorority...I totally made her cry when I was talking about the amazing friendships I have with my sisters!)
So obviously my 6:30pm Sunday night date with MrInvester was postponed until tonight!


Then last night I had a meeting at One in Yorkville 
(the same restaurant I went to here with Will for dinner that Friday night).
For a meeting for that job opportunity that I think I'm going to decline.
Also the person I met with last night asked if MrDentist was my boyfriend 
(because that is the person who was with my work colleague who we ran into when we were there last time).


Got a text from Val re: party I wasn't invited to (read about THAT vent here).
Saying "MM was there...but the good news is he said he was just finishing reading the hunger games...due to your influence.  If you're going to leave a mark-that's a good one! lol"
Which truly shows how dorky I am...but at least I got him on trend.
And I bite my tongue again to keep from asking about him...NOT that I want to date him BUT because part of me wants to know (for some strange self pain inflicting reason haha) does he have a girlfriend? did he ask about me? etc.


So I'm just getting ready for work and the immediate dinner date with MrInvester who sort of looks like Clark Kent from his pics.
But maybe I just think a lot of boys look like Clark Kent if they have dark medium hair and glasses.
I'm kind of a nerd like that.

Pic from here.  I totally found Dean Cain super dreamy...huge total crush...who wouldn't want a nerdy guy that could also change into a muscle bound hero in a telephone booth?!

Weird

The past 24 hours has been weird.
Totally weird.


I heard back from that job offer.
The one involving the sketchy colleague.
I briefly had mentioned it and I'm not sure if it is the right move for me.
And I arranged a meeting for Monday (no harm in checking it out right?...maybe??? I don't know!)


Then today I had a big meeting in my head office.
When I walked into the meeting it was BigWig#1 BigWig#2 and BigWig#3 a rather intimidating bunch.
I really can't get into what they do but suffice to say they are true BIGWIGS.


Anywho how awkward was it when I recognized BigWig#3...
He was the other guy of the "couple" at that dinner from this post.
As in a second colleague and I sat beside and chatted on and on with the person I thought was his wife.
And let me tell you...
It was NOT his wife.


So as we are sitting in this meeting where I'm supposed to be showing off my knowledge...
instead I'm thinking...oh GOSH...he is going to tell MrDentist he saw me today and the other work colleague....I should have dressed better...this is crazy...so weird that I know he has a mistress...this is so weird...I wonder if he even recognizes me (in my Clark Kent glasses nerdy button down and slacks versus straight hair/contacts/cocktaildress/heels from that dinner).


So just as things I think are going ok.
BigWig#2 points out a feature of a tool...and used the comparison of "well using these settings would be like using it on you (BigWig#3) versus her.  She has 4" of fat to go through" (now although NOT appropriate BigWig#2 was referring to a sales rep that had just presented).
BUT THEN BigWig#3 turns to me and says..."no offense Teagan".


I paused.
And swallowed hard.
He just basically called me out and basically stated I was obese.
Then BigWig#2 says "I wasn't referring to Teagan I was referring to the sales person!"
I felt the blood continue to pool in my face.
I was HUMILIATED.
Great he (BigWig#3) thought that reference was to me AND then pointed that out to BigWig#1 and BigWig#2!!!!!!!!


I tried to laugh it off like "wow guess I should get to the gym tonight" haha.
Only I was trying NOT to cry.
All these comments were just SO terribly mean!


So of course the whole day I keep thinking about him over beers with the work colleague and MrDentist..."...yea and then I called Teagan out for being fat!"
And I cringe inside.
Ughhhhhhhhhhh what.a.day!

Double Date*

Best double date picture hahaaha Pic from here

Tonight I went with a work colleague, her fiance and MrMarble on a double date.
I had a great time.
It was a filled with fun conversations and dessert.

We went to Dimitri's which I think I'm spelling completely wrong.
Sort of like a chain (which I usually loathe because in Toronto there are so many nonchain places) dessert and coffee place.
And we had lattes and waffles with delicious toppings.
Can you tell I'm avoiding getting down to business?

Me + MrMarble= 0 spark/0 chemistry
I liked the double date more because of my fun work colleague and her fiance.
MrMarble is a little too slow and quiet for my pace.

I need pop and sparkle and witty conversation.
Banter if you will.
A well placed compliment or a slight tease is nice too.
And well there isn't really any of that.

He is leaving for Cuba on Monday.
An all inclusive resort where he can just lay on the beach for a week.
Which is also the same vacation he does on a yearly basis.
My taste for adventure run a little more varied than that.

He made some mention of hanging out again.
I said it sounded like fun (because I can NEVER say no).
And because I totally think I will do the chicken thing and message him something along the lines of it would be great to be friends but I don't feel a romantic connection.

In reality when I'm with him I'm rather bored and find myself thinking if I should paint my nails or not for tomorrow's date...and what colour?... and what will I wear?...and all of a sudden I have to refocus on what he's talking about....right.... so hot sauce (seriously it totally happened tonight).
Safe to say MrMarble is eliminated from the competition.



*I just reread this and BOY do I sound bitchey...oopsie.

1 week 1 day notice

Dear people in my dad's office;

Please consider this my 1 week and 1 days notice of termination of employment from Daddy's office.
While it truly was impressive how I was was able to plaster a smile on my face for all the ridiculous requests I am moving on to bigger and better things...like my actual career!

Unfortunately, now you will have to find someone else to make sticker labels for the 100 clockcards and then change your mind about the order so that the person has to scrape them off and reapply them in the new order. 
Someone else will have to email your responses to the things you couldn't be bothered with doing.
Someone else will need to file and also stamp every page of more than 1000 pages of invoice each month with the date and hand write in the check number (because this system makes sense in today's day and age).
Weekly paystub stuffing, trash shredding and binder divider label making will also have to be taken over by someone else.

Though I am grateful to have had a job during these past few months of total and utter crappiest time ever in my life, it is a job that I didn't anticipate having to suck it up for this many months working.
I can't even begin to say how much of a weight is lifted off my shoulders that I no longer have to work here anymore, well after the 15th.
Not to mention I hopefully get to look forward to no one at my new place of employment refers to things by adding "ies" to the end like "hey this needs some stampies".

Have fun b*tches and in the words of the latest Britney video (well actually from HalfBaked).
"F*ck you, F*ck you, F*ck you, You're Cool and I'm Out"

Sign on the dotted line

I may have JUST signed a contract.
My new career begins July 25th.
Just saying.
Obviously details to follow...

Simmering

So today I had the offer meeting with the one job I was hopeful for (read here).
And seriously my blood was boiling afterwards.
I'm sure my chest and face was scarlet as I left the building.

So I already had to decline the DreamJob.
I was excited because I thought I would be a great fit at this job too.
And I also received two other offers last night via email
(well offers that are again a percentage no guaranteed income, etc. therefore I don't want to take them).
So I was excited to see what this person had to say.

The offer...
30K no vacation, and no benefits.
She told me to consider it an investment (I would be eligable after a year for a straight percentage...again still no guarantee).
In my head I was yelling...my 8 years and 6 figures worth of education was my investment.
Instead I said that "the barrier for me to accept this job is strickly financial" and I thanked her for her time.
And cursed the whole way back to the car (in my head).

What a waste of a 4 hour round trip.
What a waste of gas money.
But mostly I'm secretly terrified at this being what is the "standard".
I can't wrap my head around it.
It makes NO sense to me.

Granted I suppose I am to blame.
When I was 16 and I made the decision to do what I did.
I didn't look at the actual numbers.
I mean I looked at the average income statistics (which was more than double what I've been offered thus far) but didn't see how it actually fully worked.
I'm really just baffled at the whole situation.

I'm back at my dad's office "working" trying to work from a boil to just a simmer.
My dad said "well it looks like you ARE staying here in (insert my hometown)"...which made me want to scream.
Trying to stay positive that maybe there will be better in the next 3 interviews I have scheduled before Monday.
Trying to just breathe.
Trying to let go of the anger and frustration I'm feeling.




Pic from here

Stalled...Apologies and Exhaustion

Sooooo I know I wrote about my new blogernization (read here).
But I'm prolonging it until this weekend because I'm busy and exhausted.
I've been driving back and forth between the TDot 4 times + every week for interviews.

On a sad note...I'm officially declining the position at the DreamJob.
It makes me sad.
It is purely a financial decision.
I literally make more money working as a receptionist then what their employees in my position make.
As in the employees that are there that have been there for 3+ years and are established make less then what I make as a receptionist.
As in there is NO way I could survive in Toronto on that.

It is also too difficult to maintain that job and another one at the same time to try and work with the scheduling that they have because of other employees (i.e. it is not flexible whatsoever).
So I need to cancel the meeting I have scheduled on Thursday with them.
And let them know that I just can't do it.
Which makes me incredibly sad.
Although it is better then working for 6 months and then feeling like I'm forced to quit because it just doesn't make sense financially.

On the other front I have 3 more interviews in the next 2 days.
One seems like a possible good fit which I'm excited about.
I have declined 3 other jobs so far (not including the DreamJob) because I want to find a good and more long term fit.
Even though I'm DYING to move to the TDot.
Which I think is kind of grownup/responsible.

So I'm exhausted and have officially been neglecting the blog.
I'm trying to get back into it.
I mean I do have things to update seeing as I have now been on 4 dates with the MysteryMan (who STILL desperately needs a new moniker).

So that is where I am...stalled...and not nearly moving fast enough for my liking.

Pic from here

First Dates and Second Interviews

Really this should have been posted Monday May 30th.
But pretend I have a time machine to erase my laziness busyness. 
So I first had an interview at another place.

Then I had a second interview at the DreamJob the one I wrote about here, here,  here, and here.
One of the key loves of this place was the fact that it was downtown.
On the way there I actually had hit some traffic.
So I hurriedly parked my car on a main street and rushed right in.
It went really well I thought but I still hadn't made up my mind.

So I was walking out of the building and the sun was shining and it was easy to fall into a simple daydream of living downtown, doing what I love and just starting anew.
And I walked to where I had parked my car...

Hmmmm where was my car???
Then I saw the sign...the one that said no parking between 4-6pm.

It was 4:08pm.
Uh-oh.

So I called Eva and she was able to give me a number to call and find where they had towed my car.
I hailed a cab and headed to the tow lot.
And after a $158 tow charge and receiving a $60 ticket I was off again.

I was headed to Val's place with a very light wallet.
Lesson learned... read the parking signs VERY carefully downtown.

So Val and I had a quick chat while I waited for MM (Mystery Man but he needs a way better reference name) to come pick me up.
I was nervous even Val could tell...but she gave me good advice..."Teagan just be yourself and have fun."
What did I wear?
The same thing I had worn to my interviews.
Black dress pants, flats, my blue-ish silk new Banana Top and cardigan (see here).
I wore my glasses and didn't even add more makeup.
This was definitely a first for me.

So he picked me up in his fun car.
And we headed to a place called Panorama.
It is at the top of this building in Toronto.

It is described as "set atop the 51st floor of the Manulife Centre at Bay and Bloor, Panorama offers guests a stunning view of both uptown and downtown Toronto as well as two of the country's highest patios. The award winning cocktail menu and full dinner menu, created by Executive Chef Scott Doust, are matched with fantastic service for a truly outstanding experience.  The décor is almost as spectacular as the view. The interior features "bauhaus" leather couches, contemporary Italian seating and sleek dark wood and steel accents. The patio is done "South Beach" cabana style. Image enjoying drinks or a romantic dinner looking over the City at night".

We had a gorgeous city view to watch and awesome drinks.

I actually had so much fun with him just talking.
We covered a range of topics.
He makes me laugh and he opens the car door for me.

Before I knew it I realized it was pretty dark out and we had spent 4 hours together.
I suggested he take me back to Val's place because it was pretty late (oopsie).
By the time I got there it was after 11pm so Val had laid out a bed for me (seriously do I have the best friends or what?)

And that is how I went on my first date in more than 9 months.
And I had fun.
And that is as far as I let myself think about it for now.

 
Pics from here, here, here, here,   

Job Interview(s)

So I woke up bright and early Thursday morning to head to the TDot
for my first career job interview in Canada.
I dressed up all snazzy and professional and started driving.


About 20 minutes into my drive on the high way I notice a missed call.
It must have been the blaring Britney CD I had going to pump myself up.
And it was a second job interview for a different job in Toronto.
So I called back to schedule an interview for later that afternoon.


An hour or so into the drive I was sweating.
Okay obviously it was way too much hype from Britney and bobbing around in the car.
So I turned the AC on blast and held my elbows out
(I was totally sweating through my blue striped Banana button up dress shirt ~the new one I talked about here).


So I arrive at this job and it is totally in my dream location.
As I pulled up to the GORGEOUS building right smack downtown in the TDot.
I found myself quickly daydreaming of how cool it would be to take the subway to work.
Catch lunch downtown and live right near the dreamjob.
Then I forced myself to focus because I didn't land the job yet.


So as I walked into the lobby of the dreamjob... I fell in LOVE.
It was beautiful and modern and loft like and open and full of light.
I could totally see myself here.

I find it so surreal being on job interviews.
It is weird and awkward and uncomfortable.
The whole experience is weird to me.
The whole time trying to prove your awesomeness.

 I met with the two owners.

Is it weird that I sometimes still feel like I'm playing dress up?
Anywho...
And had a great vibe.
I kept telling myself to take a deep breath and calm down because the more I talked to them the more I realized I really wanted to work there.
And the more excited I got and I didn't want this to translate into desperation or immaturity.


So it was all going great.
Really the only crazy part is when the financial aspect came up.
It is super hard to explain but in my field sometimes they pay straight up commission...
as in commission only no guaranteed money at all.
Zip Zero Zilch.
At least waitresses get some sort of guaranteed money.
This is very VERY stressful.
Especially because I want to live in a very VERY expensive city.
The other option is basically to rent space (but I don't have any way to really do that).
It is definitely a conundrum because some people view it as amazing potential...whereas worryworts like me don't understand how you are supposed to live with 0 guaranteed income.
And if you are asking NO I didn't know this before pursuing my profession because it didn't used to be like this at all.  It used to be you had some sort of base to at least get you by.  This is a more recent thing (the last 3 year+ in Canada).
So ummmm how do you budget that??? In a very expensive city.
Stressed!


The good news they have already called and I have a second interview scheduled for Monday.
This is great great news.
I'm nervous and definitely have to get prepared for it.
I'm trying NOT to focus on the financial aspect of it though it has me very very very stressed.
And I could totally tangent into the fact that I spent 6 figures on my education to come out to a job that is all commission...wtf!

Moving on...
So the great thing was I was able to meet Eva for lunch at Yorkdale
(the mall I went to with Taylor read here).
We had a wonderful lunch and got to shop around for a bit.
Eva was doing great with less than 10 days until her wedding.
She didn't seem very stressed at all!
I walked her to her car and gave her a big hug and told her this would be so great to be able to do on a regular basis.

Then I headed out to my second interview.
Which was a really cool and different focus job.
Nothing that I have ever seen before.
The president of the company loved me.
The head of what would be my department ...not so much.
Thought it is technically the same overall field ...he is not the same profession.
Honestly he had this kind of skeptical pursed lips/smirk across his face the entire time.
Kind of like this...

Annoying right???  And he wasn't as cute as the guy above.
So I just did my best.
I found out in the last year they have been through 8 of my profession!
Which is likely more of a testament to this guys ability to work with others.
He also asked me, "do you have any references that aren't from Asia."
Which I found rude actually.
But yet humorous because the guy was Asian in ethnicity!
I totally got a weird vibe from him the whole time.

Here is my super weirdo personality though.
I can totally work with jerks and egomaniacs...I'm so good at putting a smile on my face at the most ridiculous tasks and smoothing things over.
And am totally open to working with other professions in my field.
I actually do so quite well.
In fact I don't think there are many people (in my profession) who can suck back their ego for the good of the person you are providing services for.
In a sense I felt like "hey buddy I'm so your ideal candidate!"
Heck I've sucked up any professional ego I could have had and have been working as a receptionist for 6+months. (Obviously didn't tell him THAT).

However, after talking to theGirls about it they were like...yes Teagan you are great with working with people like that but it would totally SUCK...and would be draining on you and you don't need to constantly prove your profession to someone else.
So I tried not to be so bummed when yesterday I got the "we selected another candidate" email.

Plus the dreamjob (minus financial issues) second interview is Monday.
Now I have to just knock their socks off and figure out how I can swing it financially.
Because I need to move to Toronto and I need to do it soon.

Also random follow up my cousin Bella ...
(remember who was supposed to move with me to the TDot.)
MIGHT get a promotion in my hometown so she says she wants to "move in September" to the TDot now.  Ummm rightttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt (totally don't believe it).
Which just makes it a lot more difficult to figure out how to move without a roommate.

But maybe I should take a positive outlook.
Maybe having flatmates again can be fun.
It was great for me when I was in Singapore.

I'm trying not to let these hurdles get in the way of doing what I need to do.
The alternative is just too depressing.
I just have to stay focused and believe that things will work out.
They have to.




Images from here, here,

Loose Ends and Tight Beginnings

Hmmm my title sounds kind of dirty but I'm going to roll with it.

Sometimes I don't want to devote things to long drawn out posts  (I said SOMETIMES).

Who know I could always change my mind.

So here goes the tying up loose ends...

• Finishing up the packing/organization/spring cleaning slotted for this weekend (doing a little bit every day but anticipate that this weekend I will finish it all...maybe a post for that).
• Mother's Day Dinner our on Monday (because my mum went away for the weekend with my dad)...and it went okay even though there was complaints about it.  Though I'm not sure how you can complain when my brother and I dropped $432 +15% tip on dinner...guess there will be complaints either way.
•  
• I will be attending Eva's wedding solo at the end of the month...my buddy Will can't come partly because of Memorial Day but I also think majorly because of his gf ~fair enough.
•  
• Eva wanted to introduce me to a friend of her fiance's at the wedding so she was happy that Will wasn't coming with me UNTIL this friend of her fiance's RSVP'ed with a wedding date...bummer!
•  
• Eva thinks there are 4 people going solo to this wedding our age...4 (me, Val, Shelby, and Brooke) therefore this girl won't be participating in any wedding make-out debauchery...double bummer!
•  
• 40 days of yoga pass ran out...I learned mommy and me activities are best left for others.  I only hit 18/40 days which is rather discouraging.  But I guess I could look at it that each hot yoga class only cost $2.22/class which is AMAZING and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself for not doing all 40 days.
•  
• To make things easier I have made a box for Spencer's stuff so I don't have to linger or keep bumping into it and it will be easy to burn return to him later.
•  
• I still haven't heard from Spencer but am stuck on what to do.  I still want him to do the divorce on his end just because it is cheaper and really he should do SOMETHING because he wanted to end it all.  Will thinks I should call him daily until I talk to him...I'm not so sure.
• Last night I spent two hours trying to help my mum put ads on kijiji and check her email...it was frustrating because my parents sometimes feign lack of understanding when they don't want to do things themselves...annoying.
• I am so ready to be done working at my dad's place...it is just boring and stagnant and not my passion BUT has enabled me to save some money (and be able to blog and basically do what I want) so I really can't complain I'm just ready to move on with my life.

Tight (tight=awesome and new) beginnings

• Applied for 5 jobs in the TDot today (including a DREAM job)...fingers crossed.
• My mum called and LITERALLY wanted to read me changes so that I could change things on kijiji ad for her...I told my mum she needs to learn how to do kijiji ads and check her email (I have provided her HAND WRITTEN instructions)...she is pissed but this needs to happen.
• Talked to Will today on the phone for an hour and it was great to catch up with my best friend from graduate school.  He is planning on coming to visit (it is only about 2.5 hours from his city to mine though it does involve a border crossing).  However, he wants to bring the gf (and how could I say no right?)  Despite the fact he is ONLY a friend and there has never been anything between us I'm a little bummed that he is bringing her (can't pinpoint why I just am).
• Will almost kicked my butt for (still...well only until the 24th-read here about that) talking to Jacob...he said "Teagan you HAVE to stop talking to him he has been nothing but a liar and a scumbag with a FIANCEE and has never done anything right by you...go make-out with random chefs or something but really you are wasting your time and heart with this douchbag."  Now you know why Will was my best friend in school haha.
• I have phone interview tomorrow for some temp work (not having anything to do with the 5 jobs I applied for today) in my career...kind of nervous for it but excited.
• Hair highlighting Friday :)
• My brother is going to Vegas for 5 days on Friday...which means I will have the whole place to myself all weekend!  He isn't worried about me having a party or anything he was teasing me that maybe I would have a bookclub meeting or something haha.
• Might return to the library again this weekend and get some good books.
• I'm trying to figure out a better way to organize MyExBoyfriend Project.  Also am trying to figure out if I just pick a day a week to contribute because sometimes writing is sad and draining (obviously the Spencer chapters especially right now when they all the good times and the falling in love and it is still kind of recent)...maybe I will alternate Spencer chapters and older chapters...any suggestions are welcome.

Do you ever feel like you are teetering on the brink of change?...I'm right there I feel like these next couple of weeks are going to have some big huge changes...there is a charge or anticipation in the air...I'm ready to bust through the inertia of suckholeness and move on to getting back to myself.

Pic from here and here

Possibly a window...

So you know the whole when one door closes a window is open or maybe it's another door opens or when God closes doors he opens windows or something like that.

Well I wasn't going to post about this BUT I'm so excited I'm practically jumping out of my chair and arm flapping around.

I wasn't going to but I am just way way too excited to not write this down.

There is a job posting that JUST came up
coincidentally as I posted my Master Plan post (see here).
Anywho without getting into too many specifics.

It is SMACK downtown TDot aka Toronto.
It is focusing on my specialty.
There one line posting says that my specialty is an asset :)
I've been told recently by a lot of people that I'm good at what I do (GREAT ego boost).
This opportunity could be really really great.
So I hunkered down fixed my resume and wrote an email and just hit send.
And I'm so excited at this possible amazingly perfect window of opportunity.
It is almost too good to be true.
I will keep you posted.

It is definitely a step in the direction against the inertia of suckholeness.
I could not be more excited though I keep TRYING not to get too excited.
Way totally too late for that.



Pic from here

The Master Plan...breaking out of the vortex of suckholeness

Okay I've been totally dragging ass my feet at making decisions
and actually DOING something.
I passed all the tests I was fretting about.
And instead of being all proactive and having everything organized so I could take a sprinting start... I dwelled...and I dawdled...and I've done NOTHING.

I mean I went to yoga and my temp work and continued with life but I put everything on hold.
I unpacked a bunch of boxes a few weekends ago and just left them.
Organized into groups but untouched and unpacked none the less.
Which is exactly how my life is was...a bunch of things sorted into piles but laying there unpacked...uncommited to a box if you will.

I few of my friend dropped hints lately like...soooo Teagan what's up now that you passed?
And I kind of brushed it off in that I was getting organized etc except really I wasn't.
You see I am was still stuck on how much my #1 goal was to be in my dream place (Florida) working (well frankly married but that is not happening obviously)
and it is impossible and I just need to admit defeat (for now).
I need to stop being sad over Spencer and being a (still cringe when I say it) divorcee
and I just need to do something really anything to break free of this suckhole that is my life.

I am currently stuck.
And someone told me that I just have to figure out a way to go against the inertia and just do SOMEthing.
So I am.
Val and I went to Tim Horton's to come up with the Master Plan...
and with minimal tears shed we came up with one.

First...where to go.
Since I had been looking at jobs basically overseas...and because I think I might be allergic to the cold (well I shouldn't joke around about that because Eva actually is allergic to the cold
but that is a story for another day.)
I love working overseas or being a foreigner (hence the last 8 + years of my life).

So Val tried to pinpoint why I love this and why I want to go away (again).
Here is what I came up with:

• It's fun discovering new food/culture/life/setting up.
• You tend to put yourself out there more and it seems like there are more activities to do.
• You automatically have a cute accent. (I don't care if this is shallow).
• You are different (therefore more attention..again I know this sounds horrid).
• I like the weather.
• Travel opportunities.
• I don't have the stress of my family.
• It's not the suckhole that is my home town.
• The taxes aren't outrageous (thank you Canada).
• I have more opportunities with work (in terms of what I can do outside of Canada~kind of complicated to explain this fully).

So Val and I talked it out...because in all reality my end goal is still to end up in the South
(what can I say I fell in love with the Southern USA years ago).
Val pointed out that I could still try to pursue this goal while working here and it is easier here with my support system.

Also, in reality when you go away it is very difficult to make a ton of money.
Well let me clarify...a lot of places that are ethical you are working in a foreign country for the "experience" (which actually translates to you won't make near the amount of money you would in North America).  There is an exception to that rule but it involves being unethical and really scamming people in a sense and all kinds of things that I refused to do during my time in Asia.  I will explain it all later but in essence you can make X and do this in North America...or you can earn 3X (literally TRIPLE salary) and you work things "our way"...which so would NOT fly in North America.  So it isn't like some careers where you are lured to a foreign country with house allowance, car allowance and all other kinds of perks (at least not in my field).

If I was to go away the likelihood of me being in this same EXACT position
(ie. finished with another foreign experience with not a bunch of money saved  and searching for some kind of root system) in 2-5 years is very very high.
And lets face it as much as I have fun memories and traveled places I'm whistfully lustful of what my friends have (love and family... which ultimately doesn't come from country hopping).
So it was time to maybe decide to stay here...or at least give it a fair try in my career for a year...if I hated it then I can up and move somewhere foreign.
As a very close friend of mine once said... "nothing's permanent." 

First plan of action:  Move to Toronto for a minimum of 1 year.
Timeframe: by the end of June.
Things essential for this: find a job in Toronto.

Second, part was to deal with Jacob.
As in I need to stop talking to him because it is wrong to talk to him.
So these daily conversations need to stop.

Even if he says things like...

you are the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep (hmmmmmm I wonder if you do that while in bed with your fiancee?!?!?! but of course I don't have the guts to say that)...he says things like ...

"I love you ...you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with...I want us to be a family...I miss (fill in the blank with examples of our history together)...I can't wait to see you (because yes at this point we are still talking about meeting up though in my defense I don't think it would ever happen) and be able to hold you and kiss you...
I think about you EVERY SINGLE DAY...

This is all bad bad bad...even though in my vortex of suckholeness I am eating it up.
Just got to stop...cold turkey.

Second Plan of Action: No more talking to Jacob (who is engaged...bad stupid Teagan!!! and yes I totally just refered to myself in third person GROSS!)
Time Frame:  May 24th (Val made me pick a day but I guess that is a good idea).

So really I think I built this up a lot more then what it actually is.
Oops sorry.
So there it is ...I am implementing it already.
I packed and reorganized 20 boxes this weekend (post to come on that!).
I also revamped my CV/resume/work experience.
But I continuously talked to Jacob because I have until the 24th right?
(Val would totally KILL me for saying that haha).

So I apologize for the buildup for a master plan that is kind of lack luster at best.
But here it is anyway.
So I will keep you posted on the progress which has a much better focus now :)
Thanks to a kick in the butt (that I didn't want but desparately needed) from various friends this last week.

PS in case you are wondering I haven't talked/heard from/received Divorce papers from Spencer.  I'm going to have to reach out to him again (I'm just trying to avoid having to fork over the $3400+ that is would cost in this country to get a divorce).  I don't want to reach out to him but I think I will have to...what  a pain in the butt.  I wish I never met him.  I don't care about everything happening for a reason etc. and trusting in God's plan for you life etc.  Woah need to stop doing down that negatory path...  However, Val (who is the FOURTH person to tell me this kind of very specific thing) is glad things ended like this because she didn't want me chopped up and decomposing in a river because Spencer lost it...other friends have said that I don't need a Wikipedia page like Laci Peterson...I apparently didn't see this in him but I guess he really is a sociopath.  Probably will make more sense after I finish my whole exboygriend project.  One day I will never have to ever ever deal with him again.  Thank goodness.  I just wish that since he wanted it to be over he would take some action to finally finish things.  Because I am so ready to move on with my life as evident by my new master plan.

PPS totally using work to blog and job search...what?!?!?! I'm allowed!




Pics from here and here.

Excuse me while I bite your head off...

Ughhh I'm a b*tch.
Today Lindsay came in (of Lindsay and Jack).
Don't know who they are?
The LAST people in the world I should be a b*tch to.

They are my parent's best friends.
They have always been super generous and super supportive of me.
Some examples???

• They flew to Texas to celebrate my graduation with my family.
• They made tons of appetizers all from scratch for the Engagment Party that was practically a wedding in itself. (They basically co-hosted the event with my parents.)
• They came to visit Jacob and I twice in Philadelphia as vacation weekends...staying in a hotel and taking us everywhere in the city and insisting on paying for way too much!
• They kept my stuff in suitcases in Florida in their vacation home and helped bring them back for me.
• They hired me in September to be a temp while they were away in Italy so I could earn some money.

In short the nicest people ever.

Well they, (like the rest of my family relatives), have been to Florida 4 times since the New Year.
What can I say my entire family LOVES Florida.
Lindsay and Jack just got back last night.
So she frequently comes into work because they do business with this business.

Well Lindsay comes in all bubbly and tanned and says..."I came here to show off my tan".
I just (I'm sure I rolled my eyes) and sighed and mumbled "let me guess you just got from Florida and you LOVE it."
And she says "pardon?"
And I say "It's really nice hearing about Florida every SINGLE day because everyone goes there...don't worry it's a nice little daily reminder to me." my voice dripping with sarcasm.
And then I just felt the tears spring to my eyes and the blood rush to my face and I couldn't even look her in the eye.
And she said "don't worry things will work out for you"
And all I could do was nod.
I'm guessing she was thinking "no wonder he left her...she is such a b*tch"...
But now I feel totally guilty and bad about being so rude.
I just am so over hearing about Florida right now...seriously it is multiple times a day.
I think I might just start a daily counter to prove my point.

You know why it sucks to hear about Florida on a daily basis?
Because it was my dream DREAM place to live.
It makes me instantly think of Spencer.
And that is where I was going to live my life as a wife and start my own family.
And now I'm not. 
So instead of being cool about it (some argue Florida isn't that GREAT...but I insist on all it's amazing qualities) I'm a bitter rude girl.



Pic from: http://www.fanpop.com/spots/vampires/images/6758081/title/vampire-girl-photo